DEAR GEORGE CLOONEY, PLEASE MARRY MY MOM
Santa Anita. Violet, Rosie, Jennika, Lola, and Lucy are sitting in their seats. Violet and Rosie’s dad is at the rail.
Dad: Ah, this is the way to spend Christmas, going gambling. Come on, you **** horse. Oh, son of a gun, I knew you weren’t going to place, you worthless animal.
Violet: Can we go home now?
Dad: Come on, faster, faster, faster!
The daycare. Violet enters. Rosie is sitting in the corner, sucking her thumb.
Violet: (To daycare worker) Why is she sitting in the corner?
Daycare Worker: She bit another girl.
Rosie: She shot me with a bibi gun.
Violet: That other girl shot her with a bibi gun?
Daycare Worker: I’m just the person in charge here. I don’t actually know anything about what goes on.
The hair salon. Violet and Rosie enter. Mom is at one of the work stations, cutting Amanda’s hair. Karen is standing at one of the other work stations, not doing anything.
Ingrid: Girls! Hi! How was school?
Violet and Rosie: All right.
Ingrid: Before I forget, you girls are going to be on your own for dinner tonight.
Violet: Why would that be?
Ingrid: I have a date!
Violet: Not another guy on Lavapit, please tell me that at least.
Ingrid: No, that sight has the hugest loosers on it. No, I met him in person. He came in for a haircut last week.
Violet: He gets his hair cut at a hair dressing school. How together can he possibly be?
Ingrid: Well, he’s probably OK.
Violet’s room. Violet and Rosie are watching through the window with binoculars.
Violet: Oh my gosh, he drives a banana yellow Toyoda Carolla … from 1970!
Rosie: Is that bad?
Violet: Very bad.
(Footsteps can be heard coming up the stairs.)
Ingrid: (From her bedroom) Violet, honey, could you answer the door, please. I’m trying to put on my face. I was sure I left it in the old hat box under the bed.
(Violet goes to the door.)
Violet: I hope he’s not ringing the doorbell. That thing’s broken.
(Violet answers the door. Dudley Weener is a fat, ugly man in a loud sweater.)
Dudley Weener: You must be Violet. Nice to meet you. I’m Dudley Weener.
(A loud ringing noise commences.)
Violet: You really shouldn’t have rung the doorbell.
Amanda’s shop. Violet and Phoebe are standing at the counter.
Violet: Come on, Amanda, you must know some good men.
Amanda: Well, I do know this one guy whose really into poetry, very intellectual, though.
Phoebe: Any others?
Amanda: Hmmm, let’s see. Oh, I do know an available guy who isn’t homeless. He lives in a shed on the other side of town. The distance would be quite a diminishing factor, though.
Violet: Well, if you do happen to think of any good single men that you know of could you please let me know soon? Mom is having Dudley Weener over tonight.
The apartment. A knock is heard at the door. Violet and Rosie answer it. Dudley Weener is standing at the door, a box in his hand.
Dudley: Hi, Violet. Hi, Rosie. I brought a present for the house.
Rosie: What is it? What is it?
Dudley: Well, open it and see. (Violet and Rosie open the box.) It’s some twisted pieces of metal I found on the side of the road. Do you like it?
The apartment. Ingrid, Violet, Rosie, and Dudley have finished dinner. Dudley picks up his plate and licks it.
Dudley: (With mouth full) That lemon chicken was fingersnappin’ goooood!
Violet: Well, you certainly ate every little scrap of it, two helpings worth, too.
(Violet’s mother shoots her a warning look.)
Dudley: Oh, absoflippinlutely. If I’m offered free food I always try to take as much advantage of the opportunity as possible.
Violet: Well, you do seem pretty cheap.
(Her mother shoots her another warning look.)
Dudley: You better believe it. I scrounge everything from garbage dumps and scrap heaps. My motto is if it’s worth paying for, I don’t want anything to do with it.
Ingrid: Why don’t you help me clear the table, Violet.
Violet: Rosie volunteered to clear the table.
Rosie: I sure did!
Violet: I’ll go into the living room and keep Dudley company.
(Violet and Dudley head into the living room. Dudley turns on the TV, flips it to the hockey game and turns the volume up as loud as it will go.)
Dudley: Go, skate, go.
Violet: So, Dudley, how---
(Dudley pushes Violet off the couch.)
Dudley: If I’m gonna keep datin your mother you better learn the rules. (To the TV) Go, skate, go.
(He repeats the preceeding phrase incessantly.)
Phoebe’s bedroom. The room is a complete mess. Violet and Phoebe are sitting on Phoebe’s bed.
Phoebe: So in other words we have to fix your mom up with another guy and fast.
Violet: That’s for sure. Who could we set Mom up with.
Phoebe: What men do we know?
Violet: Not very many. Besides, all the ones we do know who are single are all kind of teacher-like or weird.
Phoebe: Hmmm, maybe we should just set your mom up with a movie star or something.
Violet: Phoebe that’s it! I know just the perfect actor to set Mom up with: George Clooney.
Phoebe: That’s a great idea. I think he was married once before, but that was a long time ago. He’s into the environment and lots of other great causes and he’s really hot.
Violet: Well, on second thought maybe we should aim for a movie star Mom could actually get. George Clooney’s really busy, and the only way setting him up with my mom would actually work is if this were a book or movie or something.
Phoebe: Yeah, true. Well, your mom must know a fair number of actors from the days when she did hairstyling for films. Did she ever tell you about anybody we could possibly fix her up with?
Violet: Let me think. Hmmm … I know! David Benson!
Phoebe: Who’s David Benson?
Phoebe: One of the actors Mom used to do hairstyling for. She did his hair quite regularly, in fact. He used to do bit parts on local shows around here. There was a high school quiz show on TV here back in the nineties and he would model the prizes. He would do little skits on local telathons different stations would have for various causes. Then he started to really branch out, doing bit parts on local TV in Victoria and even some stuff for a station in Ottawa.
Phoebe: Wow, the nation’s capital!
Violet: Yeah, I know, eh!
Phoebe: What’s he doing now?
Violet: That’s the exciting part. I just saw him in a Nappa Autoparts commercial, on one of the American channels.
Violet: And I even think he was in some Hollywood movie recently.
Phoebe: Well, this is good. He’s on the up and up, he cares about his career, he’s going places.
Violet: Exactly. And, he’s gotten work in the States so we know he has a bit of money.
Phoebe: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s find his home address or his management company address or something online and write to him.
Violet: Let’s find his phone number!
Phoebe: No, we should write him a letter, in the mail, the old-fashioned way. (Phoebe pulls her laptop from under a pile of clothes and turns it on) Let’s get to work on it right away.
The school gym. Mrs. Badelli is standing against one wall. The students are all assembled in the middle.
Mrs. Badelli: Today we are going to start our unit on line dancing.
John Paul Bouchard: Oh, is it 1994 already?
Mrs. Badelli: Now, I forgot my cd player---
John Paul Bouchard: Again I ask, is it 1994 already?
Mrs. Badelli: So just imagine music in your head and start dancing … now!
The apartment. Violet is sitting in the kitchen. The phone rings. She answers it.
Karen: (Drunk) Hi Violet, it’s your mom’s friend, Karen.
Violet: Mom’s not here right now. Should I take a message?
Karen: No no no no no no no. I’m just calling to say thanks for friending me on Facebook. You’re awesome.
Violet: Are you hammered?
Karen: You better believe it, baby!
Violet: It’s only quarter to four in the afternoon.
(A click is heard.)
Violet: Hello? Hello? (She hangs up the phone. It rings again.) Hello.
Jennika: Violet, hi, it’s Jenny. How are you?
Violet: I’m fine.
Jennika: Good. Listen, I’m calling about you girls coming down for March break.
Violet: Yes, Rosie’s really been looking forward to it. It’s practically all she talks about.
Jennika: Oh, well, here’s the thing. March break is also the week when the season really gets underway at Santa Anita.
Violet: Dad’s putting horseracing before his daughters again?!
Jennika: No, no dear. Your father’s given up trying to make a living betting on horses.
Violet: Then why does he care that March break falls during a busy week at the racetrack?
Jennika: Well, Ian figures his next big thing is going to be making money playing slot machines and he really wants to start into it the week of March break. I’m sure you can understand.
(A click is heard on the phone.)
The apartment. Ingrid, Violet, Rosie, Amanda, Karen, and Dudley are all sitting around the table eating dinner. Dudley is shoveling in his food.
Ingrid: (Tapping her water glass) Everyone, I have a big announcement. Dudley and I are getting married.
Violet: But Mom, how could you do this?
Ingrid: Honey, what are you talking about?
Violet: Mom, he’s a slob. As you are making this important announcement, he’s scarfing down his food like a pig. When we had him over for what was supposed to be Gustavsen girls night, he kept exclaiming, “This sucks” loudly all throughout the movie. He shows up at all hours, turns the TV up real loud and is downright mean to Rosie and me.
Ingrid: Violet, I know all those things are true but he fixed the doorbell and the washing machine and frankly in the state we’re presently in that’s all that matters.
Violet: I can’t believe this.
(She runs into the kitchen and picks up the phone.) Hello, is this North Star Management?
Male Receptionist: That’s what I just said, toots.
Violet: Good. My name is Violet Gustavsen. I wrote a letter to David Benson two months ago. Do you happen to know if he ever got it?
Male Receptionist: Well, if he ever did get it there’s no way he’ll be able to answer it.
Violet: Why not?
Male Receptionist: He’s been hit by a bus.
Violet: Why haven’t I heard about it, then?
Male Receptionist: Probably, kid, ‘cause there’s a lot more important things happening in the world every day. Turn on the news and see for yourself sometime.
(A click is heard.)
Violet: (Hangs up the phone) Someone must be talking about it somewhere. Maybe on the entertainment channel.
(Violet goes into the living room and turns on the TV.)
Anncr: … which leaves the country of Syria obliterated from the map. And finally this late breaking story. Hollywood famous person Jennika Gustavsen was found dead in the backyard swimming pool of her Los Angeles home tonight. Gustavsen had done bit parts in a few movies and TV shows, but she was mostly known as a reply girl on the popular online video sharing site Stuff Tube as well as being famous for being famous. Police found a note signed by the celebrity taped to the fence of the backyard. It said, “It’s all hopeless.” Gustavsen’s widower, Ian Gustavsen, had moved to Hollywood in hopes of achieving his dream of getting rich through gambling or else some get rich quick scheme.
Based on "Dear George Clooney, Please Marry My Mom" by Susin Nielsen.