PARODY TIME-TODAY'S SPECIAL

TXL: Today’s special is Black Friday.

 

Open on the entrance to the store. Sam, Jodie, Muffy, and Jeff are standing near the entrance. A horde of shoppers are trying to get in.

Jodie: Those crowds seem really anxious and hostile. Are you sure you’re going to be able to hold them off, Sam?

Sam: Ah, don’t worry, Jodie. Holdin this badge in my arthritic hands, that’ll stop ‘em dead in their tracks.

Crowd: (From outside) Let us in. Let us in.

Jeff: Why do they want in so badly. I’ve never seen this many people, and this store’s usually really busy.

Sam: Well, it’s cause of Black Friday, Jeff.

Jeff: What’s Black Friday?

Muffy: Black Friday when the fat and lazy over deals get really crazy.

Jeff: What?

Jodie: See Jeff, down in the United States, all the stores have big sales on the day after American Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving is on Thursday, so they have the sales on Friday. The stores get into the black and make enough money to make a profit for that year on that day.

Jeff: But that sounds stupid, to depend so much on one day of the year to make enough money to cover your expenses.

Muffy: Don’t ask me how the system works. Right now I’m afraid of all these jerks.

Jeff: If it’s something the Americans do, why are we doing it? We’re in Canada.

Jodie: Because Canadians are going down to the States to take advantage of Black Friday prices.

Jeff: But the Canadian dollar has fallen so drastically. Why are Canadian stores still having Black Friday anyway?

Sam: That’s because the globalists are trying to make us more like Americans, ya see, Jeff.

(The crowd grows louder)

Muffy: Before we start this scam, I think it’s best I scram.

(The crowd breaks down the doors)

Sam: Hey there, you can’t come in. Black Friday won’t officially start for another 13 hours.

Shopper 1: Screw you, old man. You ain’t gonna stop me from getting no deals.

(The crowd surges forward. Sam is pushed to the floor. A woman screams.)

Screaming Woman: Aaahhh, a mouse! A mouse!

Shopper 3: I’ll get it with my umbrella.

(The shopper whacks Muffy hard with their umbrella.)

Muffy: I’m dying. … Can’t make the words rhyme anymore. … Love you all. … Sam, give TXL my cheese collection.

(Muffy dies)

Shopper 4: I’m gonna tell the health department about that, lady. Get you guys shut down. But not before I take advantage of these deals. I’ll take three dozen of these unlabeled computer games.

Jodie: All right. Three dozen unlabeled computer games at 30 percent off—

Shopper 4: It says 40 percent off in your flyer. You trying to screw us over or something?

Jodie: No, I’m—

(The crowd surges toward the cash register, shoving items to be rung up in no particular order. People drop things and start fighting. Other members of the crowd continue to surge forward, pulling things off shelves. The chaos continues, during which Jeff’s hat gets knocked off several times. Jodie keeps putting it back on.)

Sam: Help me. Help me.

Jodie: I’ll call the ambulance as soon as I’ve finished with all these customers, Sam.

Screaming Woman: Hey, cool, a lime green evening dress with purple stripes. This’ll be perfect to wear at the country club.

Later…

(The store is now empty and in a shambles.)

Jodie: Oh, thank goodness that’s over.

Sam: (Still from the floor) Jodie, Jodie, can you cash my pension cheque for me, pretty please.

Jodie: Yes, yes, in a minute, Sam.

Enter Waldo the Magnificent.

Waldo: Oh my gosh, what happened here? Did a hurricane strike the store?

Jodie: I wish, Waldo. No, something worse than that.

Jeff: Waldo, I have a favour to ask you.

Waldo: What is it, my boy?

Jeff: It’s a big favour.

Waldo: You’re my friend, Jeff. No favour is too big if it comes from you.

Jeff: Gee, thanks. See, I’d like you to take my hat and bury it at the bottom of the deepest place you know of.

Waldo: Why on earth would you want that, my boy? Then you could never talk and learn about the world from your friends, and there’d be no way you’d ever be able to become fully human without the magic hat.

Jeff: That’s the thing. After witnessing the wonders of Black Friday I’m not sure I want to be human anymore.

Waldo: Looking around this store, I’m not sure I want to be, either.

(Waldo takes the hat off Jeff’s head, pulls out a lighter and sets the hat on fire.)