Friday, April 21, 2017

PARODY TIME-DEGRASSI TALKS: SEX

DEGRASSI TALKS: SEX

Hello. I’m from the government, and I’m here to help. FMBC, the Federal Monolyth Broadcasting Corporation, in association with a whole bunch of other agencies (because this country’s so pathetic one agency doesn’t have the money to produce something on its own,) have produced this documentary for the purpose of talking frankly and openly about sex.

This documentary will take a responsible and ethical view of this topic, and I would say this even if I wasn’t sure your parents were in the room with you watching this.

Amanda Steptoe played a character on TV who got pregnant so she’s qualified to talk about this subject.

“Actually, I was still a virgin while I was on the show. However, when I did have sex for the first time, I was in a committed relationship. Mind you, we eventually broke up and I felt crushed because I had given myself to someone who later broke my heart, but hey.

“Also, from before the first time I had sex onward, I was on the birth control pill. The birth control pill is 96 to 99 percent effective if it’s taken properly, which most girls don’t do. There’s also been some recent press about horrible side effects, but at least you won’t have a baby. Besides, the brands of birth control pills on the market today are approved by the government, the same people who made this film, so you know they’re safe and reliable.”

(Shift to a street where the narrator is talking to a teenager.))
“When is  the best time to have sex?”
“7:00 in the morning.”
“Why do teens have sex?”
“Because they’re aroused.”
“Why do guys run?”
“For exercise.”

Nicky is a fourteen year old girl. What is unique about Nicky, though, is that she got pregnant.

“I told him “That baby has to be yours because you’re the only guy I’ve been with.” Well, that wasn’t strictly true because I’d kissed guys before but I took a pregnancy test after I kissed each guy and I didn’t end up pregnant except for the time I had sex.”

“Me and Sam had been going out for a long time, like five or six months. One night we were at a party and he was like, “Let’s go upstairs” and once we got upstairs he was like “Let’s have sex.” I said I didn’t know if I was ready and he was all “Come on, babe, of course you’re ready, you just saw your first PG movie by yourself last week, I mean your thirteen, a teenager cause it has teen in the number and everything.” So we did it.

“I did it because I thought it would make me more popular among my friends but I just ended up being known as the school slut instead.

“I found out I was pregnant when I came home from that party that night and my mom was like “Oh gosh, you’re pregnant” and I thought, well, if my Mom says I’m pregnant then I must be.

“My mom was kind of ticked off when I admitted I had had sex. She was all like why didn’t you start taking the pill or use condoms or even better how ‘bout you don’t have bloody sex seeing as how you’re thirteen bloody years old.

“I don’t remember actually having the baby because I was so full of drugs: illegal ones. One of the girls who was living with us at the time made sure I got hooked up good.

“Life after Geoffrey was born was tough. I mean, I have to spend upwards of fifteen minutes a night caring for the little blighter. I mean, I go to school and I’m free to go out with my friends any time because my parents take care of him most of the time, but I’m still expected to have responsibilities just because he’s my child if you can believe it.

“Sam, Geoffrey’s father, has no interest in him. He says, “Sure, I’ve got a baby and everything, babe, but is that really more important than mastering all the levels of the series of video games I’m playing right now? I don’t think so.” And I’m just like fine, be that way.

“If something were to happen to me then Geoffrey would go to my parents. They’d be his legal guardians. My mom’s totally OK with it, too. She said one night, “Well, you seem to take no interest in your own son so we might as well be the ones to look after him.”

“I haven’t told Geoffrey that Sam is his dad. Like I said, Sam takes no interest in Geoffrey, not for the two and a half years Geoffrey has been alive. He did bring Geoffrey a pen and pencil set once, though, which I thought was nice. Hmmm, maybe Sam is qualified to be Geoffrey’s legal guardian after all.”

In a recent study, a huge percentage of a group of grade 7 boys surveyed said they had had sex. Two years later, an even greater percentage of this group said they had had sex, adding, “Come on, man, don’t you believe me?”

The same study also found out the majority of teens say they are very knowledgeable about birth control, as well as everything else.

According to Planned Parenthood, one quarter of teens who have sex don’t use a condom. Also according to Planned Parenthood, if you are black and you want to abort your baby, you should totally come into one of their clinics and do it right away.

(Shift back to narrator talking to teenager on street.)
“Why don’t some teens use birth control?”
“Because they’re not having sex.”

Now for a different perspective on the issue of teens and sex, we are going to do something unique and daring. We are going to speak to Chanty, who is black, meaning she is a member of an ethnic minority.

“I got pregnant at seventeen. I was surprised because the guy I was with swore to me he couldn’t get a girl pregnant because he had had so much sex already in his lifetime he’d used up all his sperm.

“Well, I thought about keeping it, but I realized I wasn’t going to get any support from the baby’s father. He said he had an allergy to paper so he would go into a coma if he handed me money for the baby’s support so I decided to put the child up for adoption.

“I gave birth to my son and then the doctors said in order to complete the adoption process I would have to go to sleep, so they gave me some drug of some sort and when I woke up my son was with another family and I didn’t have a uterus anymore for some reason.”

(Shift back to the street and the narrator interviewing teens.)
“Do you guys know what STDs are?”
“Isn’t that a new cable sports channel?”
“Some bank thing, I don’t know.”
“You don’t know at your age, sir?”

We will now hear from Angie.

“I first had sex when I was less than ten years old.”
“And you got a sexually transmitted disease.”
“Well, see, the reason why I had sex at such a young age was---“
“Oh, I don’t care about that. So how did you find out you had an STD.”
“Well, I went to the doctor for a blood test and I went back to get my results and the doctor opened the envelope and just said, “Whoa.” When I could finally get him to stop laughing he said, still giggling a little, “You have every sexually transmitted disease known to man.” I thought he was playing a cruel joke on me so I asked to see the report and he handed it to me and what that doctor said was true. As my dad and I were leaving the office, my dog got run over by a passing car. Then a terrorist jumped out of an alley and shot my father in cold blood.”
“So, what is your life like now with all these infections?”
(As Angie is speaking, parts of her are dropping off.)
“Well, not bad really. I mean, I can’t have children, which I really wanted someday, but I’m gradually coming to terms with that. I’ve lost the function of most of my vital organs: my kidneys, my liver, most of my lung capacity, but life goes on. I frequently come down with new diseases and old ones that were supposed to have been wiped out by now.”

Use of a condom is an effective way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Well, actually condoms are made out of laytex which contains little holes the germs and viruses that cause stds can easily fit through but aside from that really...

(Shift back to the narrator on the street talking to teenagers.)
“What about AIDS?”
“Oh I always send a couple cans of powdered milk over to Africa whenever people come to the door asking me to, and I like that magazine Amnesty International puts out. Keeps me really aware, you know.”

We are now going to speak with a teenager who got AIDS. The particular person we are going to speak to also happens to be homosexual.

“Now are you sure you don’t want me to use a pseudonym when we make this film?”
“No thanks, sir.”
“All right, then. So, Bentley, when did you first suspect you had this disease?”
“Well, one morning I was complaining to my partner at the time about this bad cold I had and he said, “Oh, you probably have AIDS” so right away I ran down to the free clinic and got a test. Later, my partner said he was joking.

“The test came back positive, of course. It was humiliating enough to have to get that news, but the clinic didn’t have to deliver it via singing telegram, in my opinion.

“My partner and I touched each other on the shoulder and said we’d be together forever. Then he called up the alternative high school where I was completing my diploma and Toronto city council and told them I had AIDS. That got me banned from school, all stores, restaurants, and highways and roads.”
“My, what an experience. Do you see any positive side to the AIDS epidemic?”
“I do, actually. Among gay men, temporarily at least, death by AIDS has surpassed death by lynching.”

When it comes to teens and sex (a knock is heard at the door) Come in.
(Billy enters.)
Billy: Hello, there. I decided to knock on a door and ask a random stranger what the best way to prevent AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases was.
Narrator: How appropriate that you should choose me, then. AIDS can be prevented by using a condom.
Billy: But didn’t you say earlier that condoms have holes viruses can get through?
Narrator: You didn’t hear that. Also, condoms should be stored in safe places. They should never be exposed to heat. You should always check the expiry date and you should also use a spermicide with a condom, preferably even if the condom already comes with spermicide.
Billy: Screw it, I think I’ll just hope there’s a cure for AIDS by the time my girlfriend and I get around to doing it.
Narrator: Sounds like a plan. Besides, you’re probably not going to stop to put one on when you’re in the mood anyway, and if you want to do it a second time you have to get another one.

What about father’s who choose to stick around when their partner gets pregnant? And yes, I realize this would have fit better in an earlier part of this documentary. I spoke to a couple to find out about fathers who are there for their little ones.

I spoke to Barry and Mary Smith. Their six month old daughter is named Barry Mary.

Narrator: So, how shocking was it when you found out you were pregnant?
Mary: Well, it was kind of a big shock, you could say, but a pleasant one.
Narrator: Pleasant?
Barry: Well, yes. I mean, we’d been trying for at least a year and a half.
Narrator: I see. So, Mary, did Barry offer to marry you when he found out or what?
Mary: Marry me?
Narrator: You know, “Honey, you’re pregnant and I really want to make this baby legit so I guess we should---“
Barry: We were already married. In fact we’d been married for nearly five years at that point.
Narrator: Oh, how old are you two?
Mary: He’s 29 and I’m 27.
Narrator: Well, I guess I’ll be off now.
Barry: What about the payment for appearing in this you mentioned earlier?
(The door slams.)

(Shift back to narrator talking to teens on the street.)
“What’s the best form of birth control?”
“A well-placed knee.”
“Your face should just about do it.”

We are now going to talk to Elissa. She made a decision many may find very controversial.

“How did you find yourself pregnant?”
“Well, I would walk into a room that had a mirror in it and see my belly and think, “Whoa, something’s going on here.”

“I didn’t want to keep the baby so I phoned up a community clinic for counselling and I asked about adoption. I also asked about abortion. Here, I have a tape.”
(Elissa puts the tape in a cassette player and presses play.)
(On the tape)
Elissa: Well, I really like the idea of giving a couple who can’t have children a child.
Councillor: Well, it might be better if you had an abortion. Listen, what’s the colour of your skin?
Elissa: I’m black.
Councillor: (Excitedly) Oooh, come down right away. You got any pregnant sistas?
Elissa: Any what?
Councillor: (Speaking slowly) Any of your homegirlsout to be a babymama?
Elissa: No, I’m the only---
Councillor: Well, come down anyway.
(Shuts tape player off.)

“I went to the Morgantaller clinic to have it done. It went OK although it was a bit disconcerting having the operation done by an old German man in lederhosen. Well, I guess that part of it was all right but did he have to blast his polka music and shout “vunderbar” throughout the whole thing? I don’t think so.

“Why did I not ultimately choose adoption? Well, I figured maybe someone might not want the child after all. There are a lot of unwanted children out there leading crummy lives and I didn’t want to contribute to it. I thought it would be much more humane to have the baby ripped apart in my womb.

“The time at the clinic waiting for the abortion was all right. I brought along four of my friends for support. The receptionist seemed quite put out that they weren’t also pregnant, for some reason. I was kind of incensed when she suggested they have one just in case. We played cards before the appointment, which was cool because it’s something I rarely get to do.

“Yeah, I let the father know. I phoned up a week later and said, “Hey, I aborted our baby.” He was like, “Oh, it’s so great you didn’t consult me or anything.” And I was like, “Well, you weren’t going to be home for another week.” And he was like “Ohyeah, that makes a lot of sense.” I was just like, “Whatever.”

“Symptoms? No, other than a few horrible nightmares I haven’t had any symptoms. Oh, alsoI can’t see a baby in a stroller without going into hysterics, and last week at my dentist’s office when he turned on the drill I nearly destroyed the place.”

Helen, a second year university student was so upset about the protesters outside the clinic where she had her abortion that she did something about it.

“I started my own clinic. It’s in a secluded location so no prolife protesters. My last name is Waite, so if any girls out there want to get an abortion hassle free they can go to Helen Waite.”

Kurt and Lucy waited a year till they started having sex.

Kurt: We waited till we were ready. I didn’t want to pressure her into anything.
Lucy: I feel so special.
Kurt: And I’m glad she feels special, like I really think of her as somebody and not just a sex object. I’m going to break up with her soon and move on to her sister, but in the meantime, hey.
Narrator: What’s your advice to teens who are thinking of having sex.
Kurt: Wait till you’re ready, like, you know, aroused. Before then sex is definitely wrong. Have it as soon as you possibly can.
Lucy: Yeah, don’t worry about how bad you’re going to feel afterwords.

This has been a documentary in your interest from your government.

Closing credits.


Based on “Degrassi Talks: Sex” companion book to the “Degrassi Talks” television series episode.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

91.1 CJRT-FM Toronto July 29, 1984 "Big Band Program" hosted by Glen Woodcock. Benny Goodman Orchestra was the featured artist. 60 minute tape recorded from 10:40 p.m. to 12:13 a.m. Staff anncr was K.M. Finley.

101.5 CFMP-FM Peterborough circa 1991 "Saturday Night Dance Party" hosted by unidentified female anncr. Apparently did news summaries during dance party. 60 minute tape recorded between 11:27 p.m. and  2:00 a.m. Spot at 11:30 for two-tape Glen Miller compilation listeners could obtain by calling whichever station they heard the ad on. Brian Ellis did CFMP's office number at end of ad.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Glad "Angler and Hunter Radio" is back on CJBQ.

Farewell, Bob Robertson. Not a day goes by I don't think of at least one line from "Double Xposure."

Farewell, too, Guy O'Sullivan. "Canada's Worst Drivers' was one of the funniest shows on television.

Friday, April 14, 2017

PARODY TIME-DEGRASSI TALKS: ABUSE

DEGRASSI TALKS: ABUSE

Hello. I’m from the government and I’m hear to help.

Rebecca Haynes, who played Kathleen on Degrassi Junior High has an interesting story regarding this subject. It’s definitely more interesting than what happened to her after she left the show. We’re not going to tell you Rebecca’s story; we just wanted you to know she had one.

We are, however, going to let Debbie tell her story. Debbie was date raped.

Debbie: Now you are going to change my name in your documentary, right? I don’t want that guy coming after me.
Narrator: Sure thing, Debbie.
Debbie: So, I was fifteen and I had this boyfriend. One day I asked my mom if he could come over while she and Dad were out so we could be all alone together. She said yes because they had to go to my aunt’s funeral anyway. So, we were sitting on the couch watching TV and we started kissing and before I knew it he was trying to go too far. I kept saying no and trying to push him off but he forced himself on me and raped me. When my parents got home I told them about it and my Dad’s only comment was, “Well, why did you only say no three times? Why didn’t you say no more firmly. Goodness knows you were good at saying no as a baby.” … Well, the rape really hit me, being the day after my aunt got murdered and everything. We were really close. She was the first person in my family who had died, well I guess except for my ancestors.
Narrator: Did you and this guy meet again?
Debbie: Oh yes. He came over the next day and said he wanted to talk privately about what had happened. He asked me if the backseat of his car would be a suitable place where we could have a conversation and I said sure. He took me to the backseat of his car and raped me again. Then he kept coming over and wanting to talk. Well, after the fifth time he raped me I went to the police.
Narrator: Do you have any lingering effects from what happened?
Debbie: Oh yeah. For the longest time every time I looked at the couch where that boy raped me the first time I just wanted to scream. I think I would have eventually burned it or something. Fortunately the furniture store came and repossessed the couch anyway.

Now, let’s look at some facts about abuse:

-          One out of five girls admits to having been physically, sexually or emotionally abused while on a date. Considering human nature, man’s inhumanity to man, this is not surprising.
-          - Rape is never right, even if the woman was dressed like a total whore.
Now let’s consider a fact about men:

-          Men are linear. They see a hot-looking woman and they think, “How can I get into that chick’s pants in as quick and socially acceptible a way as possible.”
-          - When it comes to sex and other things, most teenage boys don’t think in the long term. They think, “I’m ready because I’m aroused. Let’s do it.”
Remember, you should wait till you’re ready to have sex, like when your parents are out, you’ve broken into the liquor cabinet and everything’s kind of groovy.

We are now going to hear from Matthew, who was sexually abused by his father.

Matthew: It happened for five years, from the time I was nine until the time I was fifteen. We ran a foster home and my dad was abusing me and this one other foster kid. I finally went to the police about what was happening and they asked me if I wanted to go to a foster home. I said sure because I wanted to go someplace safe. After that I was placed in a series of foster homes. I was sexually abused at every one of them.
Narrator: Did your father get any kind of help for his problem?
Matthew: Well, one day I asked Dad’s cellmate if my father was going to receive any kind of therapy in prison and he said, “Sure, kid, your dad’ll get “therapy” all right.”
Narrator: Do you have any contact with your father at this time?
Matthew: Not really. I just talk to him when I need to borrow money or something like that.

Now let’s hear from Kimberley, who was sexually abused as a child by a boy up the street.

Kimberley: Well, I guess as a child I was a naive Christian girl from a naive Christian family.
Narrator: That’s exactly what the producers were looking for.
Kimberley: This boy abused me from the time I was seven until the time I was twelve. I finally told my mom about it. We had an emergency meeting at our church where we prayed for the salvation of the abuser.
Narrator: I suppose, being Christians and everything, your family was too stupid to go to the police.
Kimberley: No, we went to the police. They took my story. I was at the station for hours and hours. After I was finished telling the whole thing the cop said there were too many incidents for them to bother sorting the whole mess out and pressing charges so they said have a nice life and escorted me out to the street.

We move now from sexual abuse to physical abuse. Let’s hear Matt’s story.

Matt: My stepfather hit me and I ran away from home.
Narrator: And these were prolonged beatings over a significant period of time?
Matt: No, he just sort of lightly slapped me one time.
Narrator: What did you do after that?
Matt: I ran away from home.
Narrator: What happened to you after you ran away from home?
Matt: I started drinking and doing drugs.
Narrator: As a result of the trauma the abuse had caused?
Matt: Yeah, sure, that sounds like a good reason.

Parents don’t have the right to hit children whatsoever. Sure, the Bible says it’s all right to spank but who are you going to believe: a book that has touched countless lives and has withstood the test of time, or this tear jerking documentary produced by a government organization in association with three other government organizations and a private company?

Next, we’ll hear from a victim of physical and emotional abuse. She is also disabled, just for that extra tug at the heartstrings.

Narrator: What’s your name?
Lakida: Lakida.
Narrator: Say again.
Lakida: Lakida.
Narrator: Pardon?
Lakida: Lakida.
Narrator: Oh bug off, cripple, we can get along without your story anyway.

A disabled child should never be abused. Instead, if you find out your baby is going to be born disabled, you should abort it.

Let’s take a look at abuse from the other side. Jim is an abuser.

Jim: There was this eight year old girl. I was doing sexual things to her, you know.
Narrator: Why did you abuse this girl?
Jim: Well, I was abused as a child myself.
Narrator: Well that’s all right, then.
Jim: Yeah, I know, eh. I don’t feel down on myself for abusing that girl because I’m getting help. I go to group therapy and me and other abusers reminisce.
Narrator: You do what?
Jim: We talk about ways we can help each other. Also, I’ll ask the parents of the victim about how I was during the abuse so they get to relive it and everything, which is cool.

If you’ve been abused, the best way to deal with it is through drugs and alcohol. Sure, it’s harmful to your body and mind and will probably kill you, but at least when you wake up in the morning you have the afternoon to look forward to.

This has been a documentary in your interest from your government.

Closing credits.


Based on “Degrassi Talks: Abuse” companion book to the “Degrassi Talks” television series episode.

Monday, April 10, 2017

PARODY TIME-ANN S1 E2-I HAVE THE BRAINS OF A BIRD, NOW, AND I'M A CAT YOU CAN NOT TAME

(Open on the inside of a train station waiting room. )
Newsie: Extra, extra, read all about it. Scientists predict global warming will become biggest money-spending, overreaching piece of government propaganda ever. Extra, extra, read all about it.
(Anne walks up to a seedy-looking man.)
Anne: Excuse me, sir. Would you like to have your ears delighted by a sintilating piece of literature spoken in an unbelievingly enthralling manner?
Seedy Man: Sure, why not, little goil. All I got’s two bits, though.
Anne: Twenty-five cents will be perfectly acceptable as it is currently 25 cents more than the state of destitution in which I have lately and unfortunately come to find myself.
(Anne begins to recite “Hamlet” from the beginning using silly voices and making her fingers into puppets. Matthew can be seen approaching. The seedy man hands Anne a quarter.)
Matthew: Anne, Anne, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. Marilla’s worried sick about you.
Anne: Get away from me!
(A policeman approaches.)
Police Officer: Is there a problem here, sir.
Anne: This man (points to Matthew), he is the problem, officer.
Matthew: Anne, just listen to me---
Anne: Why? So you can draw me back into your web of deception that you want to raise me, a girl, when all you originally wanted was a boy to help on your farm?
Matthew: We love you, Anne. Please come back to us.
Seedy Man: Look, mack, looks like you better push off where this little goil’s concerned, if ya follow me.
Matthew: Mister, this little girl is my daughter, if not by flesh and blood, than by my very spirit.
Police Officer: Sir, there is no need to defend yourself using flowery poetry.
Matthew: Sorry, officer. I just didn’t want to get sued for copyright infringement.
Seedy Man: Fair enough, Mack.
Anne: Fine. I shall accompany you and Marilla back to Green Gables.
(Anne and Matthew walk out of the train station and step inside the carriage. Marilla is in the carriage waiting for them. Matthew picks up a set of keys, sticks them in the horse’s ear, gives a command, and the carriage starts moving.)
Marilla: Anne, you really must stop doing this.
Anne: Oh, doing what, praytell?
Matthew: Running away whenever there’s the slightest bit of trouble between you, on the one hand, and Marilla, I or someone else in Avonlea on the other.
Marilla: Really, Anne, this is the thirtieth time you’ve done this. Have you any grasp of the lengths to which Matthew and myself have gone to prove we love you and want you for our very own?
Matthew: I’ve been in five carriage wrecks, permanently injured in three of them, quite seriously.
Marilla: He’s been lost in the jungles of South America.
Matthew: I’ve been shipwrecked off the Gold Coast of Africa.
Marilla: He’s been kidnapped and held prisoner by nomadic terrorists in both the Sahara and Gobi Deserts.
Matthew: And every time you’ve run away Marilla’s gotten worried sick about you.
Marilla: It’s true. The doctor has diagnosed me with some pretty serious diseases known to man and a few medicine hasn’t any idea about yet.
Matthew: And yet you keep running away from us, Anne.
Marilla: So we have an idea. (She reaches under the seat and produces an electronic family Bible with a stylus attached to the side) We’d like you to take our name, become Anne Cuthbert. If the idea is too your liking, you can write “Anne Cuthbert” right here in our family Bible.

Anne: Oh, Marilla, this day is truly an epoch in my life. Giving up my surname, the one thing I have from my late parents whom I never knew, owing to their deaths when I was but three months old, is the thing I have dreamed about for so long I was beginning to loose all hope it would ever become an actual occurrence.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

MIKE SHREVE-THE TREE OF LIFE

This is one of the best, meatiest, most informative sermons I have ever heard, ranking a gosamer breadth beneath all Pastor Peters' sermons and maybe sharing first place with the aforementioned.

Shreve not only sheds light on the mystery of the tree of life but, as part of this topic, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

This is topical preaching the way it should be done.

The only major disagreement I would have is that man's ultimate xhope is not to become God, for this is the sinful desire Eve had that led her to eat the fruit in the first place. Rather, our hope is to get into that perfect, and ironically more God-like (if I may use the word here) state we were in before the fall. (Granted, I heard this sermon on an old tape from Mount Zion Family Bible Camp that Mom brought me one day so I don't exactly know what specifically Shreve says in the link below.)

Speaking of which, here is Part One.


MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

98.3 CFLY-FM with Don Neil, mentioning solar eclipse taking place that day.

102.1 CFNY with morning show anncr announcing "WW3" contest would be played again after 9:00.

unid. special syndicated program "The Pop Forty Countdown" counting down a top 100 list of pop songs from the forties to the eighties.

JANET PARSHALL, WOULD YOU GO TO THE SHACK WITH ME

Heard "In the Market with Janet Parshall" a few weeks ago talking with James Deyoung about the film "The Shack."

First of all, I have downloaded the podcast done by two of the guys instrumental in both the book and the movie. They are Scripturally sound and I believe this film is Scripturally sound.

Those who are big in Christian media, and in the institutional church in general, are so afraid of loosing control over their audience and apparently think their audience is so dumb that that the Christian media feel it's their job to keep their precious audie nce away from everything containing any hint of false doctrine, or to put it more accurately, anything with which these hosts don't agree.

Janet brought up the point that Brad Cummings had said this film has helped people think outside the box, to which DeYoung responded that, since Cummings thought outside the box, he was willing to accept everything that fell outside that box.

A caller from Montana brought up the fact the movie advances the idea God wants a relationship with His people, which is Scriptural. In fact, the caller brought up Biblical passages that support this truth, to which Janet responded, "So you're saying it's just a novel. Well, "The Da Vincy Code" was just a novel. Would some scientists study these people's inner ears. The hear only what they want to hear and can turn any valid opposing argument into a totally different, weaker argument.

Friday, April 7, 2017

PARODY TIME-CRACKED UP TO BE

CRACKED UP TO BE

Scene 1
Mr. Lerner’s class. The students enter and sit down at their desks.
Becky Halperen: Hey Parker, did you get that essay for Lerner done yet?
Parker Fadley: What essay?
Becky: You had the whole weekend.
Parker: Oh.
Becky: I bet you fifty bucks you’re screwed.
Parker: Deal. I could use an extra fifty bucks.
(Mr. Lerner enters.)
Mr. Lerner: I hope you’ve all finished your essays on Patriarchy In Beyowolf. (He comes around to Parker’s desk. She pulls out her paper, which just has a bunch of scratches on it) You’ve actually done your essay, Parker Fadley?
Parker: Yes, and I wrote it in the original English.
Mr. Lerner: Fabulous.
Becky: When the heck did you do that essay?
Parker: History, lunch. Can I have my fifty bucks now?
Becky: It was a joke, Parker. The bet was a joke.
Parker: But I won’t let it be a joke. Pay up.
(Becky pulls a few crisp bills out of her wallet.)
Becky: Here you go.
Parker: Mr. Lerner?
Mr. Lerner: What is it, Fadley?
Parker: May I be excused? I have to go to my weekly counselling session at the guidance office.
Mr. Lerner: You’re excused, Miss Fadly.
Parker: It sure sucks to be me.
(Parker exits.)

Scene 2
The hallway. Parker is leaving the guidance office. Becky approaches her, holding a piece of paper.
Becky: Here’s your homework for Lerner’s class.
Parker: (Takes piece of paper) Thanks.
Becky: Lerner had a headache so he told us to read the yellow wallpaper and write a thousand word essay about how it affected us.
Parker: We read that in Grade 9.
Becky: Yeah, but Lerner had a headache so he just told us to read the yellow wallpaper.
Parker: Isn’t that that one where the chick goes insane?
Becky: No, he didn’t mean the story, “The Yellow Wallpaper.” He meant we should stare at our wallpaper tonight and write a thousand word essay about our impressions. Then he lit up a tiny cigarette and left the classroom.

Scene 3
The guidance office. Parker enters. She is hung over.
Miss Gray: And how are we feeling today, Parker?
Parker: I have a killer hangover.
Miss Gray: Hmmm.
Parker: I knew I shouldn’t have finished off that bottle of vodka last night.
Miss Gray: Well, as you know there is only one possible way we can deal with this problem.
Parker: Oh gosh, I don’t even want to ask.
Miss Gray: Hair of the dog. (She pulls a bottle of vodka out of her desk drawer and pours some into a coffee cup) Drink up.
Parker: Um, thanks, I think.
Miss Gray: I suppose the only correct thing to do is to participate in the therapy with you.
(She pours herself a shot, drinks it down and hits the floor.)
Parker: I guess our session’s over with early for today?

Scene 4
The guidance office. Parker enters.
Miss Gray: So, I hear you started crying uncontrollably in Mr. Lerner’s class. What was that about?
Parker: Well, you see, I’d taken some drugs earlier, and while I was sitting in Mr. Lerner’s English class, I thought I was driving down the road. When he came up to me, I thought Mr. Lerner was a police officer. I’d managed to cry my way out of speeding tickets before, so I thought it would work again.
Miss Gray: (A big smile comes over her face) I think that shows marked improvement.

Scene 5
The woods. Parker and Jake are walking through the woods together.
Jake Gardner: So, we have to take a picture of a landscape, then we each have to imagine one side of it differently and yet have the two sides harmonize together or something. I don’t get it.
Parker: Gosh, didn’t you take art at your previous school?
Jake: I did, but the teacher was spacy so whatever we did I just drew dogs playing poker and he always gave me a hundred.
Parker: Well, give me your camera. I’ve got a really awesome shot in mind.
(She grabs Jake’s camera and runs toward the ravine.)
Jake: Hey, Parker, wait, jeez. Be careful with my camera.
Parker: Oh, I will.
(She climbs a tree, grabs onto a branch and crawls to the edge, thirty feet directly above the ravine. She hangs upside down, sites into the lens and takes the picture.)
Jake: Oh my gosh.
Parker: Catch.
(She throws the camera in Jake’s direction. He catches it. She swings around to the other side of the tree and crawls out to the edge of the branch opposite the one she took the picture on. The branch breaks. Parker falls to the ground, landing on her back.)
Jake: Oh man, that’s like something that would happen on some British sitcom or something. I gotta think about this.
(He runs away laughing.)

Scene 6
The house. Parker’s parents enter, carrying a box. Parker is standing at the kitchen counter.
Mom: Honey, you know how you’ve been bugging us for a dog for what seems like years and years?
Parker: Uh huh.
Mom: Well, we finally decided to get you a dog.
Parker: Really!
Dad: Yes. It would be a great way for you to start being responsible again.
Mom: Yes, but with your little problem, we decided not to get you a real dog.
Parker: What?
Dad: (Opens box) Meet your pet robot dog. Her name is Bailey. (Parker gets a dismayed look on her face) Oh, don’t worry, honey. I already put batteries in her.
(He presses a button on a remote control and the dog begins to move woodenly and mechanically.)

Scene 7
The gym. Principal Henley is standing on the stage. The students enter and sit in chairs.
Principal Henley: We are holding this assembly today in memory of Jessica Wellington. We are all going to pray to Jesus for her safe return. Be confident, students, that He will answer our prayers. I know the longer it is, the more hopeless it seems, but I am confident Jesus will hear and answer. I know you students swear like sailors, get drunk every weekend and buy and sell drugs in the washrooms, but you pay lip service to the Catholic church so God’s bound to hear and answer.
Parker: I can’t breathe.
Jake: What’s wrong.
Parker: I’m having trouble breathing. I have to leave the room. Excuse me.
(She begins making her way out of the gym.)
Jake: Whenever I have trouble breathing, I inhale and exhale. I find that helps.

Scene 8
The house. Parker runs in. Her father is sitting on the floor, playing with Bailey.
Dad: Look what I taught Bailey to do. Go fetch my slippers, girl.
(Bailey moves slowly down the hall. A while later, she returns with Parker’s father’s slippers. Parker’s father pushes a button on the remote control about eight times and Bailey finally let’s go. Parker’s father smiles broadly.)

Scene 9
The nurse’s office. Parker is lying on a cot. A male nurse is standing beside her.
Nurse: So Parker, you fainted in class, did you?
Parker: Well. Mr. Norton was having us use this weird-smelling paint. We kept asking him to open the window, but he kept saying, “No way, man, I’m on my way.” Next thing I know, I’ve fainted, taking a jar of yellow paint with me.
Nurse: Oh, well you’re probably all right now. Just stay here a few more minutes in accordance with the school’s policies and then you’re free to go.

Scene 10
The chapel. Parker enters and lies down on one of the pews. Becky enters.
Becky: Parker? Parker, I know you’re there. I can see your feet.
Parker: (Sighs) This is unexpected, Becky. What do you want?
Becky: I really wanted to start over with you after everything that happened. I thought it was possible. For about five minutes it almost felt like there was this mutual respect thing going on. You’ve made a choice and it’s so obvious. You want to rot and I want to let you. Consider this my contribution.
(She hands Parker a brown paper bag with a bottle of whisky inside.)
Parker: Becky, no. If I’m drunk in school again, I’m expelled for sure. I still want to graduate. (Becky exits) Hmmm, maybe I’ll just leave this here.
(Parker puts the bottle of whisky on the floor. A horde of mice come and carry it away.)

Scene 11
The house. Parker enters. Her mom and dad are sitting in chairs in the living room, watching the news on TV.
Mom: Parker, we have some sad news.
Dad: Bailey’s dead. His microchips stopped functioning.
(Parker starts to cry.)
Mom: Well, he was completely incompatible with today’s technology.
Anncr: And this just in, missing high school student Jessica Wellington has been found. We’re out of time now, but we’ll have further details on this story tomorrow night. Then again, we’ll probably forget about it, so don’t anyone hold their breath.

Scene 12
Flashback.
Chris’s house. There is a party taking place. Kids are drinking, smoking and dancing. Jessica Wellington is heading off to the woods with an older guy. Parker is following her.
Older Guy: I’m a musician.
Jessica Wellington: Really! That’s so cool.
Older Guy: Yup. I play the saw.
Jessica: Oooh.
Older Guy: I got a two-handed crosscut in my truck. Wanna make music together?
Jessica: Sure.

Jessica and the older guy can be seen playing the saw over the closing credits.


Based on “Cracked Up To Be” by Courtney Summers.