Friday, October 28, 2016

PARODY TIME-SOMEWHERE IN BLUE


SOMEWHERE IN BLUE

 

Scene 1

The boardwalk. Sandy is standing on the boardwalk staring at the water. A bird swoops down into the water and starts swimming around. Danny comes up to Sandy.

Danny: Hey.

Sandy: (Flatly) Hey.

Danny: Skippin school again?
Sandy: What does it look like?

Danny: You’re not missing much, anyway. Just Mr. Tipton trying-and failing to operate the dvd player.

Sandy: Yeah, really. Those things have only been around for, like, twenty years now?

Danny: Hey, look at that bird swimming around.

Sandy: Yeah. I wonder why that bird would prefer to be in the water when it has the ability to fly around and soar through the air.

Danny: Hey, do you think there’s anyway what you just said will become applicable to your own life at some point in the near future?

Sandy: Nah.

Danny: Me neither. Let’s get some fries.

 

Scene 2

The house. Sandy enters the kitchen. Vivienne, her mother, is standing at the stove, stirring a pot.

Vivienne: And where have you been? Weren’t you supposed to be in school today?

Sandy: And aren’t you supposed to be at work today?

Vivienne: Our manager said we could go home early today because the bank doesn’t have any money. Your principal called here, you know.

Sandy: All right, all right, I skipped school. It was no big deal, anyway. All I missed was biology.

Vivienne: That doesn’t matter. The principal said watching a teacher try to work a dvd player provides important academic knowledge you’ll need if you hope to make it into university. (Sniffs) And you’ve been eating French fries at the boardwalk, haven’t you?

Sandy: Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s not healthy and all that.

Vivienne: That’s right. In this house we eat healthy things.

Sandy: What are you making now?

Vivienne: Carrot sticks that’ll be just like French fries.

Sandy: How can carrot sticks be made to seem just like fries?

Vivienne: I’m deep-frying them in hot oil.

 

Scene 3

Lenny’s house. Sandy bursts through the front door.

Sandy: I came as soon as I could.

Lenny: Thank goodness. I think this one’s worse than all the others.

Sandy: What’s this one’s name?

Lenny: J.D.

Sandy: Oh, man.

(Sandy and Lenny advance up the stairs, make their way to Lenny’s mom’s bedroom and knock on the closed door. The door flies open. J.D. is standing there. He is drunk.)

J.D.: Evenin, girls.

Lenny: Get away from my mom.

J.D.: No, no, you see, Joe Perry didn’t have to start Journey, or The Joe Perry Project, for that matter, (eyes start misting) but he did it out of the goodness of his heart.

Sandy: You heard her. Leave this house, now!

J.D.: Man, that guy over there reminds me just like Dalton McGhinte. They’re similar, eh, the way they stand there, stand there and stuff.

Lenny: No, they’re not.

J.D.: (Shouts) Fine!! I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.

(He exits. We see Lenny’s mother lying on the bed in a nightgown.)

Lenny: Mother, why do you always have to go to the bar and pick up these weirdos?!

Theresa: Because they’re always so insightful, dear.

 

Scene 4

The boardwalk. Sandy is sitting beside the water, people-watching. Danny comes up to her.

Danny: I thought I’d find you here.

Sandy: Well, you did.

Danny: Yeah, people are interesting.

Sandy: Dad used to always say people are like onions, layers, you know.

Danny: I think the very same thing, as a matter of fact. People are like onions. Sometimes, if you cut them up, they can make your eyes water, so you have to chop them up under water.

Sandy: Hmmmm?

Danny: Also, sometimes they can take away bee stings.

 

Scene 5

No Frills. Theresa is going around the store, picking up groceries. None of the items on the shelves are in any kind of packaging. She sees Steve up ahead. She aims her cart at Steve and rams into him.

Theresa: Oh, sorry. You’d think these carts had a mind of their own sometimes.

Steve: Tell me about it.

Theresa: Sure sucks nothing’s in any kind of packaging, eh?

Steve: Tell me about it.

Theresa: Hey, do you wanna come home with me?

Steve: Sure.

 

Scene 5

Theresa’s house. Theresa and Steve are sitting in the living room drinking beer.

Theresa: Hey, you know what this party needs?

Steve: Oh man, I hate guessing games.

Theresa: Some music.

(She flips on the TV.)

Anncr: You’re watching CMT. Sometimes, we show music videos, like right now.

(A Shania Twain video.)

Shania Twain: Hmmm, I wonder who we could get to be your secretary, Mutt?

Mutt Lange: I know, how about your best friend.

Shania: Oh, that would be great. Honey, you’re always so thoughtful.

Shania then starts girating around to some country music.

Theresa: Oh, it’s her world peace song. I love this one.

Steve: Oh man, I hate having to give my opinion.

(They start dancing around the room.)

 

Scene 6

Exhibition Grounds. The prom is taking place. Sandy and Danny are milling around. Other students are dancing or hanging out. Theresa and Steve enter and walk up to Mr. Air, who is chaperoning.

Steve: (To Mr. Air) So, we’re sittin around watchin TV and dancing and stuff and I figure, What the heck. I never went to my prom and little lady here never went to her prom so let’s crash this one. Know what I’m sayin?

Mr. Air: Get out.

(Theresa and Steve go up to the deejay.)

Steve: Cut off this garbage and play something good.

(Steve pulls out a tape recorder from his pocket. He unplugs the deejay’s sound system, sets the tape recorder up on top of the stereo and presses Play. Old, tinny-sounding country music comes out.)

Theresa: (Drunk) Dance, kids.

Lenny: Mom, you’re embarrassing me. I can’t believe you’d do this at my prom.

Theresa: (Angrily) I said dance.

(Vivienne enters and walks up to Sandy.)

Sandy: Mom, what are you doing here?

Vivienne: Honey, I just came to say I know I haven’t been a caring parent over the years. With your father passing away I know there’s a void and you need that same caring support that he brought to his household. However, I am not that caring, parental type and you’re just going to have to accept that. (Sandy bursts into tears) I appreciate that we could come to a concensus on this matter.

(Vivienne exits.)

Theresa: Come on, let’s get this party crackin already.

 

Closing credits.

Based on "Somewhere in Blue" by Gillian Cummings.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Glad Christopher Michael is on WLS now.

Why does CFRB have Laurie Batito and a comedy program on evenings now? Toronto is still not ready for that.

Am 640s new line-up: a bunch of hosts I've never heard of mixed in with a bunch of other hosts I never listen to.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Glad AMI has more in-house programming this fall.

Wishing John Gorski well.

Also wishing Glen Hauser well as he sounds like he has a particularly bad cold.

CJPE-FM was coming in really clearly yesterday morning.

Couldn't get WBCQ 7490 last night.

Picked up both China Radio International and Radio Romania in Spanish last night.

Friday, October 21, 2016

PARODY TIME-THE FIRST PART LAST


THE FIRST PART LAST

 

Scene 1

A movie theatre. Bobby, KL and J-boy enter the lobby. A group of people are standing around, holding up signs and protesting.

Protester 1: Say no to re-segragating movie theatres.

(The three boys enter the theatre proper and sit in seats together. They start hollering and throwing popcorn at each other.)

 

Scene 2

The Empire State Building. Bobby, KL, J-boy, and some tourists are on the observation deck.

Tourist: Wow, this is bigger than anything we got in rural Ohio.

J-boy: Yo, Bobby, what you think de stupidest thing anyone could possibly do in this situation be?

Bobby: I don’t know. Somersault over the railing?

J-boy: No sooner said than done.

(J-boy goes somersaulting over the railing of the observation deck and plummets to the street.)

 

Scene 3

The apartment building. The three boys come up to the front steps. Nia is sitting on the front steps, reading a newspaper.

Nia: Bobby, I have news.

Bobby: And so you do. Is dat de Times or the Daily News?

Nia: I’m pregnant.

 

Scene 4

The apartment. Fred and Mary are sitting at the kitchen table. Bobby is standing beside it.

Fred: What de heck, boy. Don’t you remember when we took the Statton Island fairy and I spent all the time there and back talking to you about … that sort of thing?

Bobby: Yeah, Dad, but it was hard to concentrate with a guy pulling out a gun and shooting people every thirty seconds.

Fred: What about that book I got you from the clinic about STD’s and teen pregnancy?

Bobby: I tried to read it but when I opened up the book there was nothing in it.

Fred: Funny, the nurse said it contained the best and most up-to-date information for young black males.

Mary: Where is your head? Where is your sense? What are we going to do?

 

Scene 5

The loft. Bobby and Nia enter.

Nia: Don’t mind all these extra people. We’re subletting our loft for this reality series.

Girl 1: As a twenty-something, I love living in this loft with eight other people.

Girl 2: Yeah, me too, except Jake is totally hogging the peanut butter.

Girl 1: Tell me about it. And, plus, Suzanne totally doesn’t clean up after herself.

Girl 2: Oh yeah, totally.

Nia: My mom and dad should be here in a few minutes.

(Nia’s mother and father enter.)

Nia’s Father: So you got my daughter pregnant. What are you going to do?

Girl 1: Ooooh, the drama’s really getting intense.

Nia’s Father: Shut up.

 

Scene 6

The doctor’s office. Bobby enters with Feather. Doctor Victtor takes Feather from him and puts her on the scale.

Dr. Victor: Seven pounds fifteen ounces. That’s, uh, great.

Bobby: She drinks anything you put in front of her.

Dr. Victor: What sort of things?

Bobby: (Puzzled) Milk, that sort of thing.

Dr. Victor: darn. How are you doing with all of this?

Bobby: Just fine.

Dr. Victor: You look tired. (Feels the back of his neck) I think you might have swollen glands. If you want, I could take her off your hands, put her up for adoption.

Bobby: What?

Dr. Victor: Uh, nothing. Glad to hear you’re doing so well.

 

Scene 7

The clinic. Bobby and Nia enter.

Nia: I don’t know why you had to come with me. Why couldn’t you have just had nothing more to do with me like any other young black male would?

(They enter the doctor’s office.)

Dr. Victor: So, Nia, your pregnant.

Nia: Yes, I think I am.

Dr. Victor: Well, one thing you’ll want to sign up for is a la maz class.

Nia: I do believe all the medication in the world is going to be required for this baby.

Bobby: Maybe la maz would be better for the baby.

Nia: Are you having this baby?

Bobby: If I could carry it, I would, but I’m not a bloody seahorse.

Nia: Hmph.

Bobby: But, doctor, isn’t there a chance the medication could harm the baby?

Dr. Victor: Yes, but if it does, so much the better.

Bobby: What?

Dr. Victor: You’re going to have to leave now. I have to give Nia her exam.

Bobby goes back out to the waiting room. A TV is on, tuned to The Health Channel. The screen shows nothing but the message GET AN ABORTION over and over again.

 

Scene 8

The hospital waiting room. Bobby is sitting in a chair. Doctor Victor enters.

Dr. Victor: Well, regrettably Feather doesn’t have anything terminal. It was just a twenty-four hour bug. Good thing I put that salmonella on the scale.

Bobby: Thank goodness. You know, Dr. Victor, you’re sure busy.

Dr. Victor: Well, student loans won’t pay themselves.

 

Scene 9

The police station.

 

Scene 10

The apartment.

 

Scene 11

The social worker’s office. Barry Soetoro is sitting at his desk. Bobby enters.

Barry Soetorro: Good afternoon, Bobby.

Bobby: Good afternoon.

Barry: What seems to be the problem?

Bobby: Well, my girlfriend got pregnant and now I’m raising our kid alone. I fell asleep the other morning and missed school and now the police are threatening to take her away.

(The phone rings.)

Barry: Let me take this. (Picks up the phone) Hello. … Oh, it’s you fellas from BP again. Now you guys know you’ve really got to stop that oil leak. … No, I’m not saying do something about it right away. Just do something about it, you know, eventually. … Yeah I know it could probably end up destroying the world. Just stop it, you know, eventually. … OK, you too, peace out. (Puts down the phone) You know, I’m considering running for president, Bobby. What do you think?

Bobby: Well, honestly I think you’d be pretty lousy.

Barry: Yeah, I’d be great, huh. If I ever do decide to run, though, I won’t run under the name Barry Soetoro. I think I’ll run under a fake name like, for example, Barack Obama.

 

Scene 12

The hospital. Nia is in the stirrups. Doctor Victor is standing by the bed.

Dr. Victor: Nia, there are complications. I am afraid we are going to have to terminate the pregnancy.

Nia: What?

Dr. Victor: You are going to have hours and hours of labour to go, and a lot of health problems.

(A mysterious man appears.)

Man: Squat on a chair. How do you think most of the women in the world have their babies? They squat on a chair and deliver in an hour with no complications. Why do you think you hear all these stories of women giving birth in taxis and vans? Because they were sitting down and the force of gravity was working with them. You’ve got your feet up in the stirrups there. Squat down instead.

(Nia squats on the bed and the baby slides out easily.)

Dr. Victor: Noooo!

Man: Now elevate your body to stop the bleeding.

(Nia elevates her body and the bleeding gradually stops.)

Dr. Victor: Nooo! two survived!

(She spins around and falls through the floor in a puff of smoke.)

 

Closing credits.

Based on "The First Part Last" by Angela Johnson.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

MINI DX LOG 10/19

98.9 WBZA Rochester with commercials.

99.5 WDCX Buffalo with "Skopos."

100.5 WDVI Rochester with commercials including Senica Resort and Casino, thecompanystore.com and John's Restaurant.

102.5 WTSS Buffalo with pop music.

104.5 CHUM-FM with pop music and anncr Ingrid Schumaker.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

DX LOG 10/15

88.5 WRUR Rochester with music.

Live 88.5 Ottawa with Saturday morning show.

90.5 WBER Rochester with alternative rock music and anncr talking about upcoming fundraiser, "your favourite alternative album of all time."

91.5 WXXI-FM Rochester with classical music.

93.1 WNTQ Syracuse with commercials including Metro Matress and National Grid.

94.3 WIYY Syracuse with Elton John and ID.

95.1 WREO Rochester with Tom Petty, ID and AC/DC.

96.5 WCMF Rochester with anncr and classic rock music.

97.9 WPXY Rochester with female anncr and top 40 music.

98.9 WBZA Rochester with ID and Alanis Morisett.

99.5 WDCX Buffalo with "Faith, Food and Football", later with "Paws and Tales", later with "Lifeline."

101.3 WRMM with pop music.

102.5 WTSS Buffalo with pop music and anncr Mike McQueen.

102.7 WLGZ Cape Vincent with classic hits and ID.

103.3 WEDG Buffalo with female anncr Bently doing remote from college campus followed by commercials.

103.5 WYRK Rochester with country music.

104.5 CHUM-FM Toronto with "The Chum Chart."

105.3 CFCA Kitchener with pop music.

105.7 Easy Rock Niagara with pop music and ID.

107.7 WBEN-FM with new single from Jimmy Eat World, female anncr and into new single from Weezer.

Friday, October 14, 2016

PARODY TIME-CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY


CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY

 

Scene 1

The kitchen. John enters. Judy is sitting at the kitchen table.

John: Ah, once again you’ve managed to fill the house with the lovely smell of breakfast. Giving me the silent treatment, eh? At least that’s better than hearing you yell, complain and nag. Well, since there’s no breakfast, or anything else, to keep me at home, I think I’ll go to work.

(John begins to head out the door. Claudia and Janine appear. John continues to head out the door.)

Janine: Wait, Dad, don’t you want to say goodbye to us?

John: Not particularly. But, I do have an announcement to make.

Janine: Well, you’re obviously going to work, so it can’t be one of those things where the father goes out to buy cigarettes and never returns, so it must be the type of thing where the father goes to work and doesn’t come home from the office, or in your case, from behind the counter of Burger Express.

John: Well, if the principal calls this afternoon to tell me that something bad has happened to my kids, he’s wasting his breath. That is not the announcement.

Claudia: We’re finally getting a TV you can plug a Dvd player, or for that matter, any kind of device into?

John: No.

Judy: You’ve decided that we should live more within our means and we’re moving into the slumbs?

John: No.

Janine: Well, it can’t be that you’ve lost the will to live, all respect for yourself or all your self-confidence because we’ve known that for years.

John: No. You’re mother and I are tired of you kids and this whole set-up. We’re going into a hotel for the weekend.

Claudia: (Excitedly) Are Uncle Billybob and Aunt Watermelon Sunshower going to be staying with us?

John: No. Despite our opulence, I can’t afford to pay them.

Janine: Ah, couldn’t you sell a couple extra burgers today to raise the necessary cash that would enable you to buy the bottle of Adam’s scotch that would be the usual required payment for Uncle Billybob to look after kids for the weekend?

John: No. I gave up putting extra effert into things a long time ago. You kids will be staying alone.

(He exits)

 

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. All the members of the Bsc are there.

Kristy: I now call this meeting of the Bsc to order. (Bangs her gavel) Any old business? Any new business?

Claudia: Yes. Since I moved back to Grade 8, I’ve been really busy with my grade 7 friends, you guys, my homework, my boyfriend, and my baby-sitting. My parents are away for the weekend, so I thought it would be nice if I could get my Grade 7 friends, Josh and you guys together. Want to have a party tomorrow night?

Bsc Members: Sure.

Mallory: A party would be good this weekend because Mongrel and Weasel just got out.

Bsc Members: Yeah.

Claudia: Good.

Kristy: Yes, thank you for inviting us. Any other new business? Good. Let’s talk mean about our boyfriends. (The phone rings) Darn. Hello … yes … yes … yes … hold on. (Kristy covers the receiver) Mrs. Mafumweh needs someone to babysit her thirty-five kids Thursday afternoon.

Mary Anne: I’ll do it. But I’ll need some more Niquil and Benadrill and Arcade Fire albums for my Kid-Kit.

Kristy: Stacey, do we have enough in the treasury?

Stacey: Yes, I decided I didn’t want that new dress after all.

Kristy: Good. (Speaking into the phone) Mary Anne will babysit for you. Goodbye.

(Kristy hangs up the phone.)

Abby: I have some old business.

Kristy: Yes.

Abby: I don’t know what to do about those two Korman kids, Bill and Melody. They won’t stop fighting.

Jesse: Maybe you could have them do something together.

Abby: I don’t know. Anyway, why don’t we put the matter aside for now and talk mean about our boyfriends.

 

Scene 3

The kitchen. Claudia enters. Janine is standing at the counter.

Claudia: Hey, Janine, what are we having for dinner?

Janine: Nothing. I didn’t feel like making dinner.

Claudia: You’re getting to be more like Mom everyday. Hey, I was thinking, could I have a party here tomorrow night with some of my friends

Janine: Sure. A responsible older sister would tell you no, but it would most likely be over dinner, too.

Claudia: Thank you.

Janine: You’re welcome. On second thought, it better be just a few friends because I’m not cleaning up. Well, I’m not cleaning up even if its just a few friends, so I guess there are no restrictions after all.

 

Scene 4

The living room. Dozens of people are in the house. The stereo plays loudly.

Claudia: I didn’t expect everybody to arrive all at once.

Mongrel: Well, I needed transportation and I was walking by Donut Express and I saw this empty bus. The driver and all the passengers must have gone inside. So, anyway, I stole the bus and decided to pick everybody up and here we are.

Claudia: Great. Well, there’s pizza arriving shortly and there are pops and snacks out.

Mongrel: Cool. Yeah, I don’t think those people in Donut Express would have needed the bus anyway. The diabetes convention is this weekend and an ambulance was arriving just as I pulled away, so.

Kristy: Ah. If you’d gotten to Donut Express a little later you could’ve shown up in an ambulance. That would have been awesome.

Janine: I didn’t expect this many people. We’re running out of snacks already.

Weasel: No problem. Mongrel and I’ll go rob a convenience store.

Janine: Would you? That would really help us out.

Mongrel: No problem.

 

Scene 5

The living room. Mongrel and Weasle enter with cases and cases of liquor. The stereo plays loudly.

Mongrel: Sorry, Claudia, on our way to rob the convenience store we ran into a liquor store.

Weasel: If we’d drunk it all in the bus like I wanted we’d’ve literally run into the liquor store. (He pulls various drugs out of his pockets) Here. (He puts them on the coffee table)

Claudia: Everybody, everybody, could I have your attention, please. This is a get-acquainted party. Everybody break up into teams. I’m going to pass out sheets with facts on them. You have to work with the other members of your team to figure out who the fact pertains to.

Josh: If I keep drinking, I’m just going to pass out.

Ethan: Hey, that’s a great idea. I know a fact. Who got caught with the magic mushrooms last year? Johanna.

Johanna: Shut up, Ethan. (She slugs him with her liquor bottle. A fight ensues. As the evening wares on, the kids get progressively nmore drunk and high. They all fight.)

Mongrel: Hey, everybody, let’s play Throw Family Heirlooms Around.

(The kids start throwing precious things from around the house. The party moves outside.)

 

Mantage …

Josh: Hey, everybody, I’m going to jump off the roof into the pool. (He tries, but misses and falls onto the deck and passes out)

 


(The doorbell rings. Mongrel and Weasel, who are tending bar, answer.)

Billy Korman: I need a drink.

Melody Korman: Me, too.

Billy: I’m tired of dealing with that dumb girl.

Melody: And I’m tired of dealing with that little brat.

Mongrel: How old are you?

Billy: I’m nine and she’s seven.

Mongrel: Cool. Just curious. What’ll you have.

Billy: I’ll have a whisky and soda.

Melody: Me, too.

Weasel: Two wisky and sodas coming right up.

 


(Bill and Melody are drunk and fighting.)

 


Josh: And I say zebras can ride motorcycles.

(He slugs another kid)

 

Scene 6

The living room. A knock is heard at the front door. Mongrel opens it. Two policemen are standing there.

Officer 1: We got a report of two little kids fighting at this address.

Mongrel: They’re right here. (He points to where Bill and Melody are fighting. The officer handcuffs them and leads them away. The guests disperse.)

 

Scene 7

The next day. The house is a complete shambles.

Claudia: Oh, what a party. Everybody drunk and high and fighting. I feel ashamed almost.

Janine: Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be doing anything like that again for the next few days.

Claudia: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be a get-acquainted party, and the guests got acquainted pretty well, so I guess the ends justifies the means.

Janine: We’ve gotta clean this all up now.

Claudia: Wait. I think I know a way to get Bill and Melody to stop fighting.

(She heads toward the phone.)

 

Scene 8

The living room. Bill and Melody are cleaning the house.

Billy: We’re going to tell our parents and all the other kids in the neighbourhood. When they find out what you did, you’re reputation will be over.

Claudia: Well, I guess that puts an end to the Baby-sitters Club.
Janine: Hey, look at it this way, you’ll have more free time to do sister stuff with me.

Claudia: Yeah.

 

Closing credits.
 
Based on "Claudia and the Big Party" by Anne M. Martin.

PARODY TIME-CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY


CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY

 

Scene 1

The kitchen. John enters. Judy is sitting at the kitchen table.

John: Ah, once again you’ve managed to fill the house with the lovely smell of breakfast. Giving me the silent treatment, eh? At least that’s better than hearing you yell, complain and nag. Well, since there’s no breakfast, or anything else, to keep me at home, I think I’ll go to work.

(John begins to head out the door. Claudia and Janine appear. John continues to head out the door.)

Janine: Wait, Dad, don’t you want to say goodbye to us?

John: Not particularly. But, I do have an announcement to make.

Janine: Well, you’re obviously going to work, so it can’t be one of those things where the father goes out to buy cigarettes and never returns, so it must be the type of thing where the father goes to work and doesn’t come home from the office, or in your case, from behind the counter of Burger Express.

John: Well, if the principal calls this afternoon to tell me that something bad has happened to my kids, he’s wasting his breath. That is not the announcement.

Claudia: We’re finally getting a TV you can plug a Dvd player, or for that matter, any kind of device into?

John: No.

Judy: You’ve decided that we should live more within our means and we’re moving into the slumbs?

John: No.

Janine: Well, it can’t be that you’ve lost the will to live, all respect for yourself or all your self-confidence because we’ve known that for years.

John: No. You’re mother and I are tired of you kids and this whole set-up. We’re going into a hotel for the weekend.

Claudia: (Excitedly) Are Uncle Billybob and Aunt Watermelon Sunshower going to be staying with us?

John: No. Despite our opulence, I can’t afford to pay them.

Janine: Ah, couldn’t you sell a couple extra burgers today to raise the necessary cash that would enable you to buy the bottle of Adam’s scotch that would be the usual required payment for Uncle Billybob to look after kids for the weekend?

John: No. I gave up putting extra effert into things a long time ago. You kids will be staying alone.

(He exits)

 

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. All the members of the Bsc are there.

Kristy: I now call this meeting of the Bsc to order. (Bangs her gavel) Any old business? Any new business?

Claudia: Yes. Since I moved back to Grade 8, I’ve been really busy with my grade 7 friends, you guys, my homework, my boyfriend, and my baby-sitting. My parents are away for the weekend, so I thought it would be nice if I could get my Grade 7 friends, Josh and you guys together. Want to have a party tomorrow night?

Bsc Members: Sure.

Mallory: A party would be good this weekend because Mongrel and Weasel just got out.

Bsc Members: Yeah.

Claudia: Good.

Kristy: Yes, thank you for inviting us. Any other new business? Good. Let’s talk mean about our boyfriends. (The phone rings) Darn. Hello … yes … yes … yes … hold on. (Kristy covers the receiver) Mrs. Mafumweh needs someone to babysit her thirty-five kids Thursday afternoon.

Mary Anne: I’ll do it. But I’ll need some more Niquil and Benadrill and Arcade Fire albums for my Kid-Kit.

Kristy: Stacey, do we have enough in the treasury?

Stacey: Yes, I decided I didn’t want that new dress after all.

Kristy: Good. (Speaking into the phone) Mary Anne will babysit for you. Goodbye.

(Kristy hangs up the phone.)

Abby: I have some old business.

Kristy: Yes.

Abby: I don’t know what to do about those two Korman kids, Bill and Melody. They won’t stop fighting.

Jesse: Maybe you could have them do something together.

Abby: I don’t know. Anyway, why don’t we put the matter aside for now and talk mean about our boyfriends.

 

Scene 3

The kitchen. Claudia enters. Janine is standing at the counter.

Claudia: Hey, Janine, what are we having for dinner?

Janine: Nothing. I didn’t feel like making dinner.

Claudia: You’re getting to be more like Mom everyday. Hey, I was thinking, could I have a party here tomorrow night with some of my friends

Janine: Sure. A responsible older sister would tell you no, but it would most likely be over dinner, too.

Claudia: Thank you.

Janine: You’re welcome. On second thought, it better be just a few friends because I’m not cleaning up. Well, I’m not cleaning up even if its just a few friends, so I guess there are no restrictions after all.

 

Scene 4

The living room. Dozens of people are in the house. The stereo plays loudly.

Claudia: I didn’t expect everybody to arrive all at once.

Mongrel: Well, I needed transportation and I was walking by Donut Express and I saw this empty bus. The driver and all the passengers must have gone inside. So, anyway, I stole the bus and decided to pick everybody up and here we are.

Claudia: Great. Well, there’s pizza arriving shortly and there are pops and snacks out.

Mongrel: Cool. Yeah, I don’t think those people in Donut Express would have needed the bus anyway. The diabetes convention is this weekend and an ambulance was arriving just as I pulled away, so.

Kristy: Ah. If you’d gotten to Donut Express a little later you could’ve shown up in an ambulance. That would have been awesome.

Janine: I didn’t expect this many people. We’re running out of snacks already.

Weasel: No problem. Mongrel and I’ll go rob a convenience store.

Janine: Would you? That would really help us out.

Mongrel: No problem.

 

Scene 5

The living room. Mongrel and Weasle enter with cases and cases of liquor. The stereo plays loudly.

Mongrel: Sorry, Claudia, on our way to rob the convenience store we ran into a liquor store.

Weasel: If we’d drunk it all in the bus like I wanted we’d’ve literally run into the liquor store. (He pulls various drugs out of his pockets) Here. (He puts them on the coffee table)

Claudia: Everybody, everybody, could I have your attention, please. This is a get-acquainted party. Everybody break up into teams. I’m going to pass out sheets with facts on them. You have to work with the other members of your team to figure out who the fact pertains to.

Josh: If I keep drinking, I’m just going to pass out.

Ethan: Hey, that’s a great idea. I know a fact. Who got caught with the magic mushrooms last year? Johanna.

Johanna: Shut up, Ethan. (She slugs him with her liquor bottle. A fight ensues. As the evening wares on, the kids get progressively nmore drunk and high. They all fight.)

Mongrel: Hey, everybody, let’s play Throw Family Heirlooms Around.

(The kids start throwing precious things from around the house. The party moves outside.)

 

Mantage …

Josh: Hey, everybody, I’m going to jump off the roof into the pool. (He tries, but misses and falls onto the deck and passes out)

 


(The doorbell rings. Mongrel and Weasel, who are tending bar, answer.)

Billy Korman: I need a drink.

Melody Korman: Me, too.

Billy: I’m tired of dealing with that dumb girl.

Melody: And I’m tired of dealing with that little brat.

Mongrel: How old are you?

Billy: I’m nine and she’s seven.

Mongrel: Cool. Just curious. What’ll you have.

Billy: I’ll have a whisky and soda.

Melody: Me, too.

Weasel: Two wisky and sodas coming right up.

 


(Bill and Melody are drunk and fighting.)

 


Josh: And I say zebras can ride motorcycles.

(He slugs another kid)

 

Scene 6

The living room. A knock is heard at the front door. Mongrel opens it. Two policemen are standing there.

Officer 1: We got a report of two little kids fighting at this address.

Mongrel: They’re right here. (He points to where Bill and Melody are fighting. The officer handcuffs them and leads them away. The guests disperse.)

 

Scene 7

The next day. The house is a complete shambles.

Claudia: Oh, what a party. Everybody drunk and high and fighting. I feel ashamed almost.

Janine: Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be doing anything like that again for the next few days.

Claudia: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be a get-acquainted party, and the guests got acquainted pretty well, so I guess the ends justifies the means.

Janine: We’ve gotta clean this all up now.

Claudia: Wait. I think I know a way to get Bill and Melody to stop fighting.

(She heads toward the phone.)

 

Scene 8

The living room. Bill and Melody are cleaning the house.

Billy: We’re going to tell our parents and all the other kids in the neighbourhood. When they find out what you did, you’re reputation will be over.

Claudia: Well, I guess that puts an end to the Baby-sitters Club.
Janine: Hey, look at it this way, you’ll have more free time to do sister stuff with me.

Claudia: Yeah.

 

Closing credits.
 
Based on "Claudia and the Big Party" by Anne M. Martin.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

107.1 CILQ-FM Toronto from the eighties with both male and female anncrs, Count Floyd introducing Rush song.

101.5 CKWF Peterborough from sometime in the station's early years with John Badham doing the IDs, also an ID from AC/DC's Brian Johnson.

MINI DX LOG 10/11

98.9 WBZA Rochester with Bob Seeger "Against the Wind", Everlast, Billy Joel "Still Rock and Roll to Me", anncr and commercials including Delta Airlines, Soleno and Barnes, Joey's Pasta House, and others.

99.5 WDCX Buffalo with "Lifeline" with some quite interesting talk about the election, commercials and into "Insight for Living."

93.7 WBLK Buffalo via CKOL's Madoc transmitter at 100.7 with anncr and rap music.

101.1 CKBY Ottawa with country music.

101.3 WRMM Rochester with adult contemporary music.

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Forgot how corny the dialogue is in soap operas.

Why does that Delta Airlines commercial have to mention Stonewall?

I see USA Network's "Golden Age of Radio" with Victor Ives is now "Classic Radio Theater" with Wyatt Cox. Still don't like the fact USA Radio Network cuts out parts of the programs.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Sunday night, Mom found a portable TV she'd originally bought me 25 years ago when she went to California. When I got home I dxed the VHF and UHF bands. I was able to pick up Global's Niagara Falls transmitter on Channel 3 but nothing else. Still pretty interesting, though.

Does Global not show "The Simpsons" anymore?

Picked up WDCX Bufalo yesterday morning with unid. teaching program, Alistaire Begg, and Charles Morris.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

SONG OF SOLOMON


Chapter 1

 

V1: First of all, you would not believe how difficult it is to find a non-allegorical view of the Song of Solomon online. I can’t count how many Google searches I had to run before I found a sermon series that took that viewpoint. Studying that series, it absolutely blew me away that God cares about us so much that He would put an entire book in His Word devoted to love, relationships and, indeed, sex, and does the sex ever get explicit in this piece of the Biblical cannon.

 

I would not dispute that this poem has parallels with our relationship to God, but in its original context, the Song of Songs was mainly a secular love song that God had included in His word to teach us about romantic relationships and to show us His love.

 

Maybe the reason a non-allegorical view of the Song of Solomon is so difficult to find is because this book flies in the face of the religious, controlling spirit seen so much in the church in our time and, as evidenced by the interpretation of this poem, throughout much of history.

 

This is by no means an official, authoritative commentary, except by the authority of the Holy Spirit who leads me, whom I would say is a pretty good authority actually. Really, though, this post is more or less a journaling of the thoughts I had while studying the sermon series I found on this book as well as the thoughts that jumped out at me from reading the Scripture along with the teacher.

 

V4: The bride and her friends are conversing. The friends will imitate Solomon and this woman; they will remember and celebrate their relationship. As Christians, we need to think about and love the good, reputable and pure things, as Paul instructs us in Philippians 4.

 

V5: The woman has dark skin from being out in the sun all day in a society where milky white skin was prized.

 

V7: Solomon and this girl have met while Solomon was inspecting one of the vineyards he owned. The woman wants to see Solomon again, so she asks where he is feeding his flocks and herds the next day. She wants to make sure she doesn’t get barred from the presence of the king as riffraff.

 

As you read further in this book, you discover the woman takes an incredible amount of initiative in this relationship. Here, she is asking Solomon out, as it were, instead of waiting for him to ask her.

 

V11: Solomon’s servants are telling how they are going to make jewelry for the woman so she’ll look good. While, of course as Peter reminds us, looks are not to be our top priority it is important to keep up our appearance for our significant others throughout our lives.

 

V13: “…he shall lie all night betwixt my breasts” The woman is saying, “You’ll be in my heart.”

 

V16: “…our bed is green.” The couple are picnicking on the grass, out in the woods, as shown by the next verse.

 

Chapter 2

 

V3: The couple are making out.

 

V4: Solomon has taken the woman on a date to his dining hall.

 

V5: The woman is lovesick.

 

V6: The couple are making out again.

 

V8: Solomon is hurrying to see this woman.

 

V9: But when he gets there, Solomon is nervous and hesitant about what he’s about to do.

 

V10: Solomon proposes to the woman.

 

V11-13: This scene is not necessarily occurring in the spring of the year, but it is spring in Solomon’s heart. See The Temptations “My Girl.”

 

V15: The couple are going to discuss the minor conflicts and such-like in their relationship before the wedding. It is a good practice for couples who are, or are thinking about getting engaged to do the same things. If not taken care of before the marriage, these small issues can grow into big problems that could wreck the marriage.

 

V16: The couple are making out again.

 

Chapter 3

 

V1-4: The woman is dreaming about Solomon.

 

V6: It is the wedding day.

 

V7: The word bed in the King James describes a mode of transportation. In effect, Solomon has sent a limo to pick up his bride-to-be and take her to where the ceremony is to take place.

 

V8: The 60 men surrounding the limo are bodyguards. Since Solomon was a king, there were many people who might want to kidnap his betrothed.

 

Chapter 4

 

V1: When Solomon says his new wife’s hair is like a flock of goats coming down Mount Gilead, he means her hair is wavy.

 

V2: The woman’s teeth are nice, white and even. In a day before toothpaste, vitamins and dentistry, she has all of them.

 

V5: Since lips have previously been associated with lilies, we can assume here that Solomon is kissing the woman’s breasts.

 

V6-16: The couple are going to consummate their marriage.

 

Chapter 5

 

V1: In the latter part of this verse, God speaks and endorses the marriage.

 

V2-6: The scene shifts and some time has elapsed. The woman has behaved in a selfish way toward Solomon and he has taken off. The woman regrets her actions.

 

V7: The woman dreams the events described in this verse.

 

V8: The woman has discussed this problem with her girlfriends.

 

V9: “What do you want a guy like Solomon back for?” they respond.

 

V16: The couple are not only lovers, they are friends. Your spouse should be your best friend.

 

Chapter 6

 

V3: The couple have made up.

 

V4: Solomon is saying, “Girl, you get my attention like an army on parade.”

 

V8: More time could have elapsed with the beginning of this verse. At this point, Solomon has 60 (I assume additional) wives and 80 concubines, as well as a whole bunch of other chicks on the side. The Shulamite woman, his first wife, therefore wants to know if Solomon still loves her.

 

V11: From hereon in, the text really gets explicit. The scene has shifted, time has passed again. I take the position that the word nuts here means the same thing as in the modern slang parlance. Basically, a modern paraphrase of this verse is “While we were lying in bed together, I stroked him to see if he was still into me.”

 

V12: “Before I knew it, we were both rarin to go.”

 

V13: This verse could refer to cross-dressing.

 

Chapter 7

 

V2: Navel here means vagina and belly in this instance means groin. The wheat is of course metaphorical of pubic hair.

 

V11-13: Solomon and his wife are going on a little vacation to help put the spark back into their marriage.

 

Chapter 8

 

V1: This verse refers to adult nursing and could also refer to age-play in general due to the mention of the woman’s brother as a baby.

 

V2: In those days, mothers would instruct daughters in the art of lovemaking. “I’m gonna show you a few things my mama taught me.” The woman is not referring to her face in this case when she talks about a pomegranate.

 

V6: This verse here is saying that love is like death in that, just as no one can raise themselves from the dead, nobody can get themselves out of love when there heart is fluttering. Feeling jealous is like being buried.

 

V8: The friends are speaking in this verse.

 

V9: If the little sister, when she comes of age, doesn’t let the boys inside, we will affirm the good moral choices she has made. However, if she is less caughtious and is more likely to open up for the boys, we will have to put more restrictions on her. Just as is seen with the way Solomon handled David’s enemies in the first couple chapters of 1 Kings, our children are likewise created as unique individuals by the Lord Almighty. Therefore, each child will have to be dealt with by their parents differently because each child, like every other individual on the planet, is different.

 

V10: The Shulamite woman fit in the former category before she married Solomon. She didn’t let the boys inside.

 

V14: “Run to me, big boy.”

Saturday, October 8, 2016

AN INTERESTING TAPE

Heard an interesting tape last night. On one side was spooky music made by an instrument that sounded sort of like a theramyn but wasn't. On the other side was a talk in French about the economy. It seemed like it was a tape for the campaign of one of the parties in the 1988 Canadian federal election. I wish it were the French side that had been taped over instead of the English.

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Glad CKOL is back!

Jim Wright is also back. I wonder why he was gone.

Picked up WDCX Buffalo this week with James McDonald.

I enjoyed it when Michael Harrison was in Joy Brown's timeslot on GCN.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

98.3 CFLY with anncr Don Neil during the 3:00 hour. Said 4:00 news was coming up with Patti Kinlon.

98.3 CFLY with female anncr Nancy Allen, giving timecheck of 11:09.