Friday, February 24, 2017

PARODY TIME-AFRICA

AFRICA

Scene 1
The airplane. The plane has arrived in South Africa. Passengers are grabbing their carry-on luggage and exiting the plane. Rehanna refuses to move. She has the aisle seat. Kim has the window seat.
Kim: Mom, it’s time to get off the plane.
Rehanna: No.
Kim: Mom, everyone else is getting off.
Rehanna: No.
Kim: The flight attendants will be coming and asking us to get off soon.
Rehanna: No, no, no!
Kim: (Pulling out a chocolate bar, breaking it in half, stuffing half of it in her mouth, and holding the other half just out of reach of her mother) I have chocky-wocky!
Rehanna: (Grabbing for the half of the chocolate bar) No chocky-wocky.
Kim: Come on, Mom.
(She pushes her mom out of her seat, down the aisle and down the steps of the plane. Uncle Pete is there to meet them. He is completely drunk.)
Uncle Pete: (Putting his arms around both Kim and Rehanna) Girls, so good to see you. How was your flight?
(He passes out.)

Scene 2
In the land-rover. Pete, Rehanna and Kim are driving on a narrow road near some very steep cliffs. Pete’s dog is in the seat beside Kim.
Uncle Pete: Yup, always does the trick. Some more whisky and I’m rarin to go. (To Kim) Oh, don’t mind the dog. He’s harmless, although I suppose he does sometimes like to tear people to pieces. Hey, look what I can do.
(He speeds the car toward the edge of one of the cliffs. He drives until the front wheels are just partially hanging off the cliff. Then he turns around and gets back on the road.)
Kim: Mom, I’m thirsty.
Rehanna: I gave you a sip of my juice box when we left Canada. Wasn’t that enough?
Kim: No, of course not.
Rehanna: Well, I think it was enough.
(The dog starts snarling.)

Scene 3
The cottage. The landrover pulls up. Pete, Rehanna, Kim, and the dog get out of the landrover and enter the cottage.
Pete: Well, here she be.
Kim: Groovy. Does this place contain anything to drink?
Pete: You can have a drink after dinner. First, I have prepared a special meal. We got salt pork and crackers, and if you’re still hungry afterword, I picked up some A and W before I drove to the airport. And there’s coffee and beer afterwords. (Kim gets a desperate look on her face) Well, I suppose I do have something around here to quench your thirst. (He goes to the cupboard and pulls out a bottle and a glass) Here, have a nice glass of beet juice.
(He pours some in the glass and Kim drinks it down.)

Scene 4
The classroom. Kim enters. Mrs. Phillips is standing up at the front of the room.
Mrs. Phillips: You must be Kim. Hi, I’m Mrs. Phillips. You’re joining us for three months, is that correct?
Kim: Yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Phillips: And what brings you to South Africa for three months?
Kim: My mom’s a journalist. She’s covering the Truth And Reconciliation Commission hearings.
Mrs. Phillips: Ah yes, the Truth And Reconcilliation Commission hearings. Class, who can tell me what that is? (Silence) Well, what does the word truth mean?
Black Boy: It means the white man’s evil is going to be exposed.
Mrs. Phillips: OK, and what does the word reconciliation mean?
Black Boy 2: It means the white man is going to have to pay for his crimes.
Black Boy 3: Yeah, pay a lot.
(The black students start cheering. The white students have been sitting in their seats silently throughout the previous dialogue. The black students start running around the classroom. Some one lights a stack of papers and the classroom catches fire. Kim goes to duck under her desk.)
Mrs. Phillips: Oh don’t worry, dear. They do this at least once a week.

Scene 5
The soccer field. Temba and some other black boys are standing beside the pitch. Kim comes up to them.
Kim: I’m so excited my mom’s covering the Truth And Reconciliation Commission. I can’t believe all the horrible injustices that were done to black people over here.
Temba: Well, thanks for your support.
Kim: Can I play soccer with you guys?
Temba: Man, we don’t let girls play soccer.

Scene 6
The school parking lot. Kim comes up to Marjorie.
Kim: You’re Marjorie? (Marjorie nods) I’m Kim. My mom arranged for you and your mom to drive me home.
Marjorie: OK.
(Marjorie’s mom pulls up.)
Marjorie’s Mom: You must be Kim. I’m Marjorie’s mom.
Kim: Hello.
Marjorie’s Mom: Sorry I’m late, girls, but some black baboon broke into the boot of my car. He stole a wedding dress.
Marjorie: My mom’s a wedding planner.
Kim: The boot of your car? … Wait a minute, what do you mean by black baboon?
Marjorie: She doesn’t mean a monkey, she means a black man.
Watch out, Mother.
Kim: You mean you just call a black man a baboon?
Marjorie: Oooh, Mom, Kim here is going to arrest you for thought crimes.
Kim: Marjorie’s mom, are you now or have you ever been a racist? (Neither Marjorie nor her mother answer) Forget it. I’m walking.
Marjorie: It’s not safe for a teenage girl to walk alone by herself in Capetown, even the fifteen minute walk from school to your home. The streets are really dangerous.
Kim: (Tossing head) Anywhere has to be safer than being in a car with you two prejudice people.
(Kim gets out of the car. A few seconds later she is set upon by a swarm of young black men. She is beaten and stabbed.)

Scene 6
The museum. Temba is pushing Kim in a wheelchair.
Kim: Are you sure we don’t have to pay?
Temba: Sure, man. The museum is totally free on Wednesdays.
Kim: I used to hate museums, all that walking. Maybe it’ll be more pleasant now with no working legs. Hey, Temba, could you squeeze my chest? I need to exhale.
(They stop at an exhibit.)
Temba: (In fake tour guide voice) In this glass case you will note there is an African bush man, complete with all the things he would use in his daily life.
Kim: Probably a replica.
Temba: No, miss, it is an actual bush man, from the bush and everything.
Kim: Oh, my! The museum robbed a grave to get this?!
Temba: No. They brought him here alive.
Kim: You mean they brought him here alive and put him on display in this glass case?
Temba: Exactly.
Kim: Those white people are horrible.
Temba: Right you are. We black people are more humane by far.
Kim: Squeeze my chest again, please.

Scene 7
In the car. Kim, Rehanna and Anders are driving through the streets of Capetown. Anders is smoking.
Rehanna: Are you sure this is the right way to the township where the woman lives that we want to interview?
Anders: Possitive.
(A noise is heard.)
Kim: What was that?
Anders: Oh, no. I think I just drove through that wormhole. We could be in a totally different part of the world now.
(Around them appear run-down buildings practically on top of each other, garbage in the streets and ragged black children running everywhere.)
Rehanna: Where are we?
Anders: I don’t know. Could be the townships.
Rehanna: Or it could be the south side of Chicago.
Anders: Or Detroit.
Rehanna: Or the Bronx.
Anders: Or Kingston, Jamaica.

Scene 8
The farmhouse. Kim is sitting on her bed in the bedroom writing a letter.
Kim: Dear Temba,
Life at Milky Way Farm is definitely different.

First, there is my fifteen year old cousin Marika. Her mom does not allow her to wear makeup or nail polish. Every morning, Marika comes down the stairs wearing makeup and nail polish. Then her mother grabs her and rubs it off. This happens every morning. What is really strange is that they always end up in a heap on the floor laughing maniacally.

Then there is my thirteen year old cousin Yappi. He tries to turn everything into alcohol: cereal into beer, fruit into wine and potatoes into vodka. It was especially disconcerting when he used Marika’s new halter top to filter some Granny Smiths.
(Marika bursts into the room.)
Marika: Kim, come quick. There’s someone at the door.
(Marika grabs Kim and they run downstairs to the front door. The family is standing around, watching.)
Grandfather: Oh, don’t worry. That’s just our neighbour, old Kus. Someone is stealing his cattle and when he finds out who he is he says he’s going to sick the dogs after them.
Rehanna: Why don’t you call the police? That’s what they’re for.
Grandfather: No, the police are in league with the thieves.
Rehanna: Nothing’s changed, has it? The police will, too, help. They’ll show up in about an hour or so. Then they’ll take your statements. Then, if they can find anyone willing to talk, they’ll try to find the culprit among the many millions of transitory people migrating into and out of South Africa at any given time. Then, if the suspect is charged and the case goes to trial, which it probably won’t because he’ll just plea bargain, then he’ll get at least a few months in jail. Don’t you see how much better that is?
Kim: Oh, by the way, do any of you know who my father is?
Aunt Theresa: That’s it, girl. I’m locking you in your room, and don’t even think of escaping by the tree that’s directly outside your window.
Uncle Pete: His name is Hendrick Fortune and he lives on Robin Island.

Scene 9
Robin Island. Kim gets off the boat. A man is standing beside her.
Kim: I’d like to thank you for the lift from my family’s farm.
Man: No problem. Thought we were going to have a real problem when we ran over that rock. It was as big as a tortoise.
Kim: That rock was a tortoise.
Man: Oh, yeah. Well, hope you find your father.
Kim: Thanks. (She approaches one of the tour guides) Excuse me, sir, do you know where Hendrick Fortune lives?
Amos: Well, yes’m. He lives right over dere, by de bay.
Kim: Thanks. (Kim goes over to a big, fat guy who looks slightly similar to her) Excuse me, are you Hendrick Fortune?
Hendrick Fortune: Yeah, what’s it to ya?
Kim: Well, I’m Kim Vandermeer, your daughter.
Hendrick Fortune: (Picking her up and giving her a bear hug) Oh, honey, I’m so happy to meet you.
Kim: Daddy! … So, what do you do here on Robin Island?
Hendrick Fortune: I work on the plans for my construction project.
Kim: What sort of construction project?
Hendrick Fortune: A giant factory, similar to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. (Pulls some papers out of his pocket) However, instead of a place that manufactures chocolate and candy, this factory will feature the kinds of things you’d eat for your main course. (Points to various places on the paper) This is the field of meat products, pork and ham and roast bief and luncheon meat, this is the breakfast room with trees that grow sausages and bacon and fried eggs and hash browns and toast, this is the lake of stew.—
Kim: What’s all that black stuff?
Hendrick Fortune: Oh, that’s my river of coffee, stretching the whole length of the factory. No cream or sugar, just black, the way coffee should be enjoyed.
Amos: Ize regusted.

Closing credits.


Based on a Canadian YA novel entitled “Africa” whose author I can’t find the name of after hours of searching.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Cool Scotland is getting it's own TV station.

Listened to "Just Jocelyn" on BBC Radio Four today and really liked the programme.

Last week, the town crew's two-way radios were being picked up by my computer speakers.

I enjoyed CBC Radio's tribute to Stuart Maclean.

Monday, February 20, 2017

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

CFLY Kingston, early 1987 Neil Kirby on a Sunday afternoon promoting "Those Old Radio Shows" coming up at 11:30 that night.

102.5 WBEN-FM Rock 102 Buffalo with anncr Randy Truborn frontselling and teeing up songs.

101.5 CFMP Peterborough with ID and liners by Al Martino and Frankie Lane, the latter mentioning "the music of your life."

Saturday, February 18, 2017

A FEW MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

1050 CHUM from October 12, 2003 from aproximately 11:45-12:30. Roger Ashby with "Sunday Morning Oldies", then into Tom Rivers. Commercials including David Miller campaign ad, Beatrix Potter exhibit, Woodbine Slots and Racetrack.

1050 CHUM from October 19, 2003 from approximately 11:00-11:45 with Roger Ashby "Sunday Morning Oldies." Commercials for "Hollywood Wives" on CITY-TV and a lot of the same spots as on the other side of the tape.

CFLY-FM with "Nightcap", hosted by anncr Nancy Allen. Featured a set of Shirley Bassey jazz songs. Nancy Allen pronounced Bassey with long a.

101.5 CFMP-FM with "Saturday Night Dance Party". Unidentified female anncr. Long sets of songs from early fifties to early sixties with no back or frontsells. In fact, anncr only gave ID, timecheck and program name. One commercial for a trailer dealership in Enismore and a psa about not swindling tourists. Also an ID featuring one of the members of The Crewcuts inviting us to listen to "Father Heffernan's Radio Show" Sunday nights from 7:00-8:00.

SUSPICIOUS BEREAN

Jack Morrow covers everything from church apostasy, archaeology, astronomy, history, and a few other topics besides, and all from a Canadian perspective. One of the best blogs I've come across in a long time.

Check it out here.http://www.suspiciousberean.blogspot.com

Friday, February 17, 2017

PARODY TIME-A PLACE TO CALL HOME

A PLACE TO CALL HOME

Scene 1
The bus. Anna opens the window.
Bus Driver: Hey, no openin the window.
(The bus stops at Anna’s house. She picks up her backpack and starts walking down the aisle. She trips over someone’s foot and goes sprawling into Natt Leon’s lap. Her books go flying everywhere. The bus falls apart.)
Anna: Sorry about falling in your lap.
Natt Leon: That’s OK.
Bus Driver: Hey, Leon, what have I told ya about hitching rides on the schoolbus. You’re 68 years old, for cripes sake.
Natt: I be darned if I gonna pay to ride dat high-falutin city bus.
(Anna gathers up her books, gets off the bus and walks up to her house. Casey can be heard crying inside. Anna opens the door and enters.)
Anna: Mama? Mama, are you here? (She goes into Casey’s room. He is lying in his crib, crying. Anna picks him up.) It’s OK, baby. Anna’s here. (She goes into the kitchen and opens the fridge door. There is only half a bottle of 7 up in the fridge.) You can’t very well give a seven-month old baby 7 Up. I need to find a suitable nipple substitute.

Scene 2
The house. Anna enters, pulling a cow on a rope behind her.
Anna: Well, this should provide some nourishing sustenance, Casey. The Johnson’s are gonna be mad I stole their cow, though.
(Mandy enters.)
Mandy: Anna, wanna see my pitcher?
Anna: Sure. (Mandy pulls a water pitcher out of her backpack) Very nice. It was a good idea for Mom to put you in a kindergarten that teaches ceramics. That’s one thing she did right.
Mandy: Where’s Mommy? I want to show her.
Anna: Mommy’s, uh, not here right now, but look, I got you a cow to play with. (Mandy is uninterested) Mandy, right now I have a special job for you.
Mandy: What is it?
Anna: I need you to baby-sit for a few minutes while I run to the corner store. (Mandy frowns) I’ll pay you.
Mandy: You will?
Anna: Yes, I’ll pay you one Sugar Daddy lollipop.
Mandy: Aw-right.
Anna: OK, good. Now, I won’t be long. Remember the rules. If anybody comes to the door, put on the tape of the scary Halloween music, and if anybody calls on the phone, pretend we’re a pizza place.
Mandy: Gotcha.
Anna: That’s my little monkey.

Scene 3
Mel’s Convenience. Anna brings her purchases up to the counter.
Anna: Your prices are outrageous. This tilapia costs five dollars less at the Grab And Cash, and this haggis is a whole dollar cheaper there.
Mel: Whadya want. I gotta make a livin, you know.
Anna: If you lowered your prices you’d get more people in.
Mel: If I lowered my prices it wouldn’t do any good anyway, what with that vortex down the road and everythin. That’ll be $17.65.
Anna: (Grimaces and hands over the money) This is highway robbery.
Mel: Hey, do me a favour.
Anna: What?
Mel: (Hands over a package marked Chocolate-covered Haggis) Two favours. First, accept this on the house. Second, learn how to be a kid.
(Anna nods her thanks and exits.)

Scene 4
The culvert. Anna is standing on the culvert, staring off into the distance.
Anna: I remember when Mom and I used to walk along here when I was a kid. We had a little game. I’d kick sand into the grate and watch it fall.
(The culvert gives way. Anna falls and winds up in a large room. The shelves are stocked with items found in a convenience store.)
Anna: Wow, these prices are great. We could live like kings on the little money we have if Mom shopped here.
(An elf comes up to her.)
Elf 1: Thank you for shopping at Culvert Convenience. Can I help you find anything?
Anna: No thanks. These prices are amazing.
Elf 1: Glad you like ‘em. Hey, you look familiar. Hey, Mirdwig, it’s that girl who used to kick sand down on us.
(Mirdwig comes over to them.)
Mirdwig: We’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.
(Mirdwig blows a whistle hanging around his neck. A whole bunch of elves appear and start beating Anna up.)

Scene 5
The house. Anna comes up to the front door. She sees Mandy running past the front window, dragging something behind her. She puts her grocery bags down and opens the door. Mandy is dragging Casey around behind her in the hot water heater.
Anna: Amanda Aloysius O’Dell. What do you think you’re doing. (Mandy ignores her) Mandy, stop it!
Mandy: Why, Anna. Casey likes it.
Anna: Why in the world were you dragging Casey around behind you in the hot water heater.
Mandy: We don’t need the hot water heater.
Anna: How can you say that?
Mandy: The hot water’s already hot.
Anna: Oh, good point. Look, I can’t deal with this right now so go to bed.
Mandy: But it’s only just gotten dark.
Anna: I’ll read you a story.
Mandy: Yay.
(Mandy goes into the bedroom and crawls under the covers. Anna comes into the room and sits down on the opposite side of the bed.)
Anna: Now, what story do you want to hear?
Mandy: The Runaway Bunny.
Anna: OK. Once there was a bunny rabbit who wanted to run away from his mother. One day, he snuck out of the house and started walking down the road. Before too long, a man came along and asked the little bunny, “Hey, little bunny, what are you doing out on the road all by yourself?” The little bunny replied, “I’ve run away from my mommy. I’m looking for a new home.” “Well,” the man said, “why don’t you come live with me. I’ll take really good care of you.” “That sounds great,” the little bunny said, overjoyed about having a new home. “Do you have a name, little bunny,” the man asked. “No,” the bunny responded, scratching his head “My mommy always just called me her little bunny.” “Well,” said the man, “Why don’t I give you a name.” “That would be great,” the bunny said, hopping and wiggling his ears in excitement. “I think I’ll name you Stewart,” the man said. “Why Stewart?” the bunny asked, puzzled. “Because it’s the long form of stew, which is what I’m going to make you into. Here, have a whole bunch of carrots.”

Scene 5
The school parking lot. Anna gets out of an old, beat up clunker of a car and walks toward the front door of the school.
Anna: Thanks for the lift, Billy Bob. (She enters the school and walks into the principal’s office. The school secretary is sitting at her desk.) Miss Norris, would you please give this note to the principal for me?
Miss Norris: (Takes the note and reads) Please excuse Anna from school today. She has suddenly developed a highly contagious case of German measles and won’t be attending school today. Well, that certainly is a good reason for not going to school. I’m glad your mom let us know.

Scene 6
The house. Anna is in the kitchen. Casey is in his playpen in the living room. The phone rings. Anna answers it.
Anna: Hello.
Principal Weingrad: Hello. Is Mrs. O’Dell there, please?
Anna: This is Mrs. O’Dell.
Principal Weingrad: Excellent. Mrs. O’Dell, this is Sherry Weingrad from ABC Carpet Maintenance. We will be cleaning carpets in your area this after noon from 2:00 p.m. to 2:15 p.m. and we were wondering---
Anna: Principal Weingrad?
Principal Weingrad: Anna, is that you?
Anna: Yes, but what---
Principal Weingrad: I’m working in telemarketing to supplement my salary. Are you interested in superior affection for your carpets or not?
Anna: No thank you.
Principal Weingrad: OK. (Hangs up)

Scene 7
The Westbridge Mythical Creatures Preserve. Anna enters the park, pushing Casey in a stroller.
Anna: This is my favourite place, Casey. See, there are some centaurs, and over there are some satyrs, the half goat ones, and over there is a Medusa, and way over that hill is a griffin. I’m glad he’s not any closer. Oh no, a grundle. Run.
(She turns around and hurriedly exits the park as a grundle chases after her and Casey.)

Scene 8
The house. Anna is in the kitchen. Casey is in his playpen in the living room. The phone rings. Anna answers it.
Anna: Hello.
Station Wagon: Hey there. Is anyone going to come and get me out of the lake?
Anna: Get you out of the lake? Who is this?
Station Wagon: Oh, and I hate to break this to you, but your mom committed suicide by driving me into here.
Anna: What? Oh no!

Scene 9
The front porch. Anna comes walking up to the house, pushing Casey in his stroller. Mandy is sitting on the front porch, crying.
Anna: That walk did me good. I just can’t believe--- Oh Mandy! I forgot!
Mandy: You promised you’d be here. I thought the social people came and took you away.
Anna: It’s social services, and no, they didn’t show up. I just went out for a long walk and lost track of time. I’m really sorry.
(Casey begins to cry. Nat Leon comes up to them.)
Nat: Hey, what’s happinin, Anna?
Anna: Oh, thank goodness. Could you hold Casey for me while I go inside and prepare a bottle, please? (She puts Casey in Nat’s arms and goes inside. She returns a moment later carrying a bottle of milk) Thanks Nat. Casey should stop crying in a matter of seconds.
Nat: Casey was crying?

Scene 10
The kitchen. Anna is standing in front of the counter.
Anna: Oh, man, it has been an exhausting day. I’m going to have to tell Mandy what happened to Mom sooner or later. I just don’t know what we’re going to do. I’m so hungry. (She begins rummaging in one of the bottom cupboards. She pulls out a whisky bottle with a few inches in the bottom.) This is the whisky I hid from mom recently. (She opens the bottle and sniffs) Oh, it smells horrible. I wonder if it tastes as horrible as it smells. No, it couldn’t possibly. (She takes a sip) Oh, what a feeling. I think I’m beginning to understand why Mom was so drawn to this beverage. (She takes a few more sips) You know what this party needs? Some music. (She goes into the living room and begins searching through some cassettes) Ah, darn, I forgot, all we have is children’s tapes for the kids. Well, they’ll have to do. (She pulls out an old Walkman and inserts a cassette) All right, now we’re talking. (Begins waving her arms and dancing around the kitchen) Old McDonald had a farm, e-i-e-i-o. Wooooooo hooooooo.

Scene 11
The kitchen. Anna is lying on the floor.
Anna: Oh, my head. Oh, every other part of my body, for that matter. I’ve learned my lesson. Next time, I’m buying some mixer.

Scene 12
The lake. Anna is pushing Casey in his stroller and has a red blanket tucked under her arm.
Anna: Stay right here, Casey. Now, I’ll just throw this red blanket into the lake and that’ll cover up Mom’s car. Now no one will ever find it.
She tosses the blanket into the lake.

Scene 13
Mel’s Convenience. Anna enters, pushing Casey in his stroller.
Mel: What the? What have you been doing? And look at my floor! What the heck have you been up to?
Anna: Sorry.
Mel: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry’s not gonna clean my floor. (Anna grabs two cans of formula off the shelf. She starts toward the cash register with them, but drops one on her toe. Casey starts crying.) Oh jeezum.
(Mel grabs a box of Zwiebecks off the shelf, opens it and sticks a cookie in Casey’s mouth. Casey stops crying. Mary comes out from the back room.)
Mary: Jeez, Mel, you opened that brand new box of biscuits.
Mel: Don’t worry your pretty little head. I’ll tape it up and resell it later.
Mary: All right, then.
Mel: (To Anna) Where’s your mother?
Anna: What?
Mel: Where’s your mother? Haven’t seen her for a while. She usually comes in every couple days to buy her cigarettes, and she never misses the lottery. It’s thirteen million tonight, you know.
Anna: Mom’s sick. I took Casey out for a walk in the woods so she could get some sleep. She asked me to buy a ticket.
Mel: All right. (He  pulls out a lottery ticket and puts it in a bag along with the formula) She hasn’t bought any whisky in a few days. Does she want some of that, too?
Anna: Uh, yes, three bottles. And she also wanted me to get some Very Berry Kool-aid to go with it, along with one of those Krazy straws.
Mel adds these items to the bag.
Mel: (Leaning over the counter and whispering) She also picks up some other stuff on a regular basis. Usually some weed, some rock and fairly often a bindel of crank. She happen to want you to purchase that for her as well?
Anna: Oh yes.
(Mel goes into the back room, comes back with the drugs and puts them in the bag.)
Mel: Here you go.
Anna: Oh, and could I also have some Nerds, and I’d like to rent Aladdin for tonight.
Mel: OK. (Mel gets these final items and adds them to the bag) With the movie rental your total comes to six hundred fifteen dollars and sixty-five cents.
(Anna hands over some money.)
Anna: Sorry, I don’t have six hundred dollars.
Mel: That’s OK, honey. I’ll send Tyrone over later to collect the money.
Anna: You know, Mel, underneath that gruff exterior you’re really sweet.
Mel: Why thank you. Have a nice day.
(Anna and Casey exit.)

Scene 14
The kitchen. Anna and Mandy are sitting at the kitchen table. Casey is in his high chair.
Mandy: Have you heard from Mommy yet?
Anna: No, honey.
Mandy: You mean Mommy hasn’t even written us a letter?
Anna: Oh shoot, that reminds me. I haven’t checked the mailbox in, it must be five days. Mandy, could you go get the mail for me, please.
Mandy: Sure.
(Mandy exits and returns a moment later with an armload of soggy mail.)
Anna: Oh darn, the mail is all ruined because of the rain … except for this postcard. (Reads) Please find along with this postcard an envelope containing two hundred dollars cash. Signed Annonymous. (Anna finds the envelope and opens it. The money has been ruined by the rain.) Oh, shoot.

Scene 15
The kitchen. Anna, Mandy and Casey enter. Anna is lugging two bags of groceries. Mandy is pushing Casey in his stroller.
Mandy: It’s sure good you managed to dry out that money with Mommy’s hair dryer.
Anna: It sure is, Monkey. Thanks for your help.
Mandy: You’re welcome, Anna.
Anna: Now what I need you to do is get your backpack and stuff as many warm clothes as you can in it. We’ve got to get out of here.
Mandy: Why?
Anna: Mel is starting to ask too many questions. There’s this little cabin in the woods I know about that’ll be just perfect for us.
Mandy: But what if Mommy comes back while we’re gone?
Anna: I’ll check back here every day.
Mandy: But shouldn’t we leave a note?
Anna: No, that wouldn’t be a very good idea.
Mandy: Mommy always says leave a note when you go out somewhere.
Anna: Mommy never said anything like that!
Mandy: Well, maybe then it was Mr. Rogers. I know it was somebody. Anyway, I really think we should leave a note.
Anna: All right, we’ll write Mommy a note.
(Anna grabs a pencil and piece of paper and writes a note which says Dear Mom, We’ve gone off to a cabin in the woods near here. I’ll be checking back here every morning at 10:30. Love, Anna Anna tapes the note to the front door and they exit out the back door. Nat Leon happens by.)
Nat: Their only hope is a blind truant officer.

Scene 16
The woods. Anna is walking through the woods, carrying a bag of supplies. She walks up to the cabin. She notices two strange rucksacks on the front porch. She runs up the steps and bursts through the door. Two strangers are sitting on a blanket beside Mandy and Casey.
Anna: What are you people doing here!?
Hipster 1: We’re the children of yuppy parents trying to get in touch with our heritage by spending the night in a primitive setting.
Hipster 2: I think the more important question is what are _you doing here?
Anna: We’re, uh, camping, too.
Hipster 1: Camping? With a baby?
Anna: Sure. Deranged ex-husbands do it all the time.
Hipster 2: Oh, that makes sense.
Anna: Now, could you people please leave.
Hipster 1: No way, man. We drove, like, half an hour out here to these woods and we intend to spend the night in this cabin. Now I’m going to play my Fish records.
Anna: Let’s get going, Mandy. We’re giving ourselves up to Social Services.

Scene 17
Mrs. McCalum’s house. Mrs. Romero’s car pulls up and Mrs. Romero directs Anna and Mandy to get out. She goes around the car to get Casey out of his car seat.
Mrs. Romero: Mrs. McCalum is going to take care of you for now. I think you’ll be very happy here.
Anna: How long will we be staying with Mrs. McCalum for?
Mrs. Romero: Just temporarily until we can find your mother.
Anna: And Mrs. McCalum was willing to take three children?
Mrs. Romero: Yes, she was.
Anna: Did you tell her about them being white and me being … black?
Mrs. Romero hands Casey toMandy.
Mrs. Romero: Yes, we don’t spring any surprises on our foster parents.
(Mrs. Romero knocks on the door. Mrs. McCalum answers).
Mrs. McCalum: Hi.
Mrs. Romero: I’ve brought you three children this time, just for a while till we can locate their mother. The older girl, Anna, is black, as you can see. The little girl, Mandy, and the baby, Casey, are white, obviously. There mother sure must have done some sleeping around. Well, toodle-oo.
Mrs. McCalum: Well, come inside and get ready for bed.
Mandy: Bed? But the sun hasn’t even gone down?
Mrs. McCalum: I will have no backtalk or questioning in this house, young lady.
Anna: But why do we have to go to bed when it’s only quarter to seven?
Mrs. McCalum: I will ignore your questioning for now, Anna, since I know black people don’t tend to learn things. You three have to get ready for bed now because at 7:00 this house becomes a smoke shop and night club. Oh, here are some of the early birds now. Get inside, quick.
(Arab men have started to pull up to the house in expensive cars. Anna leads Mandy, who is holding Casey, down the hall to two bedrooms.)
Anna: I take it these are our rooms?
Mrs. McCalum: Oh good, dear, maybe there’s hope for your kind after all. Yes, the room with the crib is for Mandy and Casey, since Casey’s a baby and babies sleep in cribs, and the room next to it is yours. Hope you kids can manage by yourselves, I have to start my act.
(Mrs. McCalum steps up onto a stage before a large crowd of Arab men which has gathered in the front room. She begins to sing “Your Mother’s Son-in-law.”)
Anna: Mrs. McCalum, we’re hungry. We haven’t eaten all day.
Mrs. McCalum: All right, we might as well have family dinner.
(She goes over to a vending machine and gets three cups of soup out. Anna, Mandy, Casey, and Mrs. McCalum sit down at one of the tables. Farshid comes over to them.)
Farshid: Hey there. I am truly out to party it down tonight.

Scene 18
The school. Anna is standing outside the gym. Nat Leon walks by.
Anna: Nat! Nat.
Nat: What?
Anna: Could you meet me at the cabin this afternoon?
Nat: Sure … no, my bad, I got baseball practice.
Anna: Then could you meet me this evening after baseball practice?
Nat: Yeah, I guess.
Anna: Oh, thank you. Bring a pair of scissors, an old ball cap and some boy clothes.
Nat: Why?
Anna: (Whispering) I’m running away for a little while. I need to look like a boy so the police won’t catch me.
Nat: All right, but seeing as how you got a figure like Marilyn Monroe I don’t think that’s gonna work.

Scene 18
The bus. Anna is sitting on the bus. She has no suitcase. Winston Strathmartin is sitting next to her.
Anna: We’re in Vicksburg. I thought it would look more like Gone With The Wind.
Winston Strathmartin: You’d be wanting Nachez for that, I’m afraid. The real Old South is to be found down there.
Anna: Oh. I’ll have to travel down there someday.
Winston: I’m sorry, I don’t believe I’ve introduced myself. My name is Winston Strathmartin. I’m a wealthy financier from London.
Anna: So, you’re in the States on business?
Winston: Yes, and I’m taking the bus because I enjoy making use of the commoner’s modes of transport every now and again. Where are you headed?
Anna: I’m headed to Sunnydale … to see some family.
Winston: Ah, Sunnydale, wonderful little place. I’d considered purchasing it once but the deal fell through. Well, hope you have a wonderful time.

Scene 19
Sunnydale. Anna stands before the door of a house and knocks. An old woman comes to the door.
Eleanor O’Dell: Yes. Can I help you?
Anna: Is Suzanne O’Dell home?
Eleanor: I’m sorry, Suzanne doesn’t live here anymore. She left over fifteen years ago.
Anna: Well, you see, the thing is, I’m you’re granddaughter, Anna.
Eleanor: Well, come on in.
(Anna enters and She is directed to a seat at the kitchen table and given a glass of lemonade.)
Anna: So tell me, uh, Grandma, why did my mother leave home in the first place?
Eleanor: Well, you see, child, your mother and your grandfather had a terrible fight. There was this contest sponsored by the local grocery store to see who could build the best time machine in town. Suzanne and her dad both entered, your grandfather by himself and your mother with her boyfriend, James Hughes. Well, they got into an argument about which was the better machine. Your grandfather’s could go back to specific years, but Suzanne’s and James’s could go back to specific days, even specific hours and minutes. Father and daughter got into a terrible argument one night and Suzanne stormed out the door. Said she was going up north with James and never coming back!
Anna: Well, hopefully we can get to know each other again and put all those things in the past.
Eleanor: No, child, there’s nothing for you here.
Anna: Oh. Do you know what happened to my father, James Hughes?
Eleanor: Oh, he killed himself nearly fifteen years ago.
Anna: Oh. Well, thank you. Goodbye.

Scene 20
The gas station. Anna walks up to a man who is peering under the hood of a car.
Anna: Excuse me, when’s the next bus to Vicksburg?
James Hughes: The next bus to Vicksburg doesn’t leave till tomorrow morning.
Anna: Are you sure?
James: I’m as sure of it as I’m sure my name’s James Hughes.
(He turns around.)
Anna: Daddy! But Eleanor O’Dell said you’d died.
James: Sure no, I’m still alive. Mrs. O’Dell might have thought that since we haven’t seen each other in so long.
Anna: Look, I could really use your help. My mother, your old girlfriend, Suzanne O’Dell, is dead. There’s me and my little brother and sister and we’re living in this foster home that doubles as a night club. You’re our only hope.
James: Well, I suppose we could arrange for your little brother and sister to be sent for, then you could jump in my old time machine and live in any era you wanted.
Anna: Really! Oh thank you. I think I’d like to go back to the bubonic plague. All that death and misery and brutality sounds exciting.
James: Just as long as my little girl’s happy.
James Hughes pats Anna on the head.

Closing credits.

Based on “A Place to Call Home” by Jackie French Koller.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Farewell, Stuart Maclean.

Farewell, too, Broadcaster Magazine.

Those NAB commercials about radio and TV are pathetic. As if young, tech-savvy people are going to want to wait for the top of the hour or the 6:00 news, especially from the media that so vividly proved itself untrustworthy in the last U.S. election.

Really, Wolf? Throwing on a bunch of classic rock live albums at half hour intervals?

Listen to Mountain City Rock.

Have been emmensely enjoying and been eddefied by programming from VCY FM.