PARODY TIME-THE FIRST PART LAST

THE FIRST PART LAST

 

Scene 1

A movie theatre. Bobby, KL and J-boy enter the lobby. A group of people are standing around, holding up signs and protesting.

Protester 1: Say no to re-segragating movie theatres.

(The three boys enter the theatre proper and sit in seats together. They start hollering and throwing popcorn at each other.)

 

Scene 2

The Empire State Building. Bobby, KL, J-boy, and some tourists are on the observation deck.

Tourist: Wow, this is bigger than anything we got in rural Ohio.

J-boy: Yo, Bobby, what you think de stupidest thing anyone could possibly do in this situation be?

Bobby: I don’t know. Somersault over the railing?

J-boy: No sooner said than done.

(J-boy goes somersaulting over the railing of the observation deck and plummets to the street.)

 

Scene 3

The apartment building. The three boys come up to the front steps. Nia is sitting on the front steps, reading a newspaper.

Nia: Bobby, I have news.

Bobby: And so you do. Is dat de Times or the Daily News?

Nia: I’m pregnant.

 

Scene 4

The apartment. Fred and Mary are sitting at the kitchen table. Bobby is standing beside it.

Fred: What de heck, boy. Don’t you remember when we took the Statton Island fairy and I spent all the time there and back talking to you about … that sort of thing?

Bobby: Yeah, Dad, but it was hard to concentrate with a guy pulling out a gun and shooting people every thirty seconds.

Fred: What about that book I got you from the clinic about STD’s and teen pregnancy?

Bobby: I tried to read it but when I opened up the book there was nothing in it.

Fred: Funny, the nurse said it contained the best and most up-to-date information for young black males.

Mary: Where is your head? Where is your sense? What are we going to do?

 

Scene 5

The loft. Bobby and Nia enter.

Nia: Don’t mind all these extra people. We’re subletting our loft for this reality series.

Girl 1: As a twenty-something, I love living in this loft with eight other people.

Girl 2: Yeah, me too, except Jake is totally hogging the peanut butter.

Girl 1: Tell me about it. And, plus, Suzanne totally doesn’t clean up after herself.

Girl 2: Oh yeah, totally.

Nia: My mom and dad should be here in a few minutes.

(Nia’s mother and father enter.)

Nia’s Father: So you got my daughter pregnant. What are you going to do?

Girl 1: Ooooh, the drama’s really getting intense.

Nia’s Father: Shut up.

 

Scene 6

The doctor’s office. Bobby enters with Feather. Doctor Victtor takes Feather from him and puts her on the scale.

Dr. Victor: Seven pounds fifteen ounces. That’s, uh, great.

Bobby: She drinks anything you put in front of her.

Dr. Victor: What sort of things?

Bobby: (Puzzled) Milk, that sort of thing.

Dr. Victor: darn. How are you doing with all of this?

Bobby: Just fine.

Dr. Victor: You look tired. (Feels the back of his neck) I think you might have swollen glands. If you want, I could take her off your hands, put her up for adoption.

Bobby: What?

Dr. Victor: Uh, nothing. Glad to hear you’re doing so well.

 

Scene 7

The clinic. Bobby and Nia enter.

Nia: I don’t know why you had to come with me. Why couldn’t you have just had nothing more to do with me like any other young black male would?

(They enter the doctor’s office.)

Dr. Victor: So, Nia, your pregnant.

Nia: Yes, I think I am.

Dr. Victor: Well, one thing you’ll want to sign up for is a la maz class.

Nia: I do believe all the medication in the world is going to be required for this baby.

Bobby: Maybe la maz would be better for the baby.

Nia: Are you having this baby?

Bobby: If I could carry it, I would, but I’m not a bloody seahorse.

Nia: Hmph.

Bobby: But, doctor, isn’t there a chance the medication could harm the baby?

Dr. Victor: Yes, but if it does, so much the better.

Bobby: What?

Dr. Victor: You’re going to have to leave now. I have to give Nia her exam.

Bobby goes back out to the waiting room. A TV is on, tuned to The Health Channel. The screen shows nothing but the message GET AN ABORTION over and over again.

 

Scene 8

The hospital waiting room. Bobby is sitting in a chair. Doctor Victor enters.

Dr. Victor: Well, regrettably Feather doesn’t have anything terminal. It was just a twenty-four hour bug. Good thing I put that salmonella on the scale.

Bobby: Thank goodness. You know, Dr. Victor, you’re sure busy.

Dr. Victor: Well, student loans won’t pay themselves.

 

Scene 9

The police station.

 

Scene 10

The apartment.

 

Scene 11

The social worker’s office. Barry Soetoro is sitting at his desk. Bobby enters.

Barry Soetorro: Good afternoon, Bobby.

Bobby: Good afternoon.

Barry: What seems to be the problem?

Bobby: Well, my girlfriend got pregnant and now I’m raising our kid alone. I fell asleep the other morning and missed school and now the police are threatening to take her away.

(The phone rings.)

Barry: Let me take this. (Picks up the phone) Hello. … Oh, it’s you fellas from BP again. Now you guys know you’ve really got to stop that oil leak. … No, I’m not saying do something about it right away. Just do something about it, you know, eventually. … Yeah I know it could probably end up destroying the world. Just stop it, you know, eventually. … OK, you too, peace out. (Puts down the phone) You know, I’m considering running for president, Bobby. What do you think?

Bobby: Well, honestly I think you’d be pretty lousy.

Barry: Yeah, I’d be great, huh. If I ever do decide to run, though, I won’t run under the name Barry Soetoro. I think I’ll run under a fake name like, for example, Barack Obama.

 

Scene 12

The hospital. Nia is in the stirrups. Doctor Victor is standing by the bed.

Dr. Victor: Nia, there are complications. I am afraid we are going to have to terminate the pregnancy.

Nia: What?

Dr. Victor: You are going to have hours and hours of labour to go, and a lot of health problems.

(A mysterious man appears.)

Man: Squat on a chair. How do you think most of the women in the world have their babies? They squat on a chair and deliver in an hour with no complications. Why do you think you hear all these stories of women giving birth in taxis and vans? Because they were sitting down and the force of gravity was working with them. You’ve got your feet up in the stirrups there. Squat down instead.

(Nia squats on the bed and the baby slides out easily.)

Dr. Victor: Noooo!

Man: Now elevate your body to stop the bleeding.

(Nia elevates her body and the bleeding gradually stops.)

Dr. Victor: Nooo! two survived!

(She spins around and falls through the floor in a puff of smoke.)

 

Closing credits.

Based on "The First Part Last" by Angela Johnson.