PARODY TIME-CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY

CLAUDIA AND THE BIG PARTY

Scene 1

The kitchen. John enters. Judy is sitting at the kitchen table.

John: Ah, once again you’ve managed to fill the house with the lovely smell of breakfast. Giving me the silent treatment, eh? At least that’s better than hearing you yell, complain and nag. Well, since there’s no breakfast, or anything else, to keep me at home, I think I’ll go to work.

(John begins to head out the door. Claudia and Janine appear. John continues to head out the door.)

Janine: Wait, Dad, don’t you want to say goodbye to us?

John: Not particularly. But, I do have an announcement to make.

Janine: Well, you’re obviously going to work, so it can’t be one of those things where the father goes out to buy cigarettes and never returns, so it must be the type of thing where the father goes to work and doesn’t come home from the office, or in your case, from behind the counter of Burger Express.

John: Well, if the principal calls this afternoon to tell me that something bad has happened to my kids, he’s wasting his breath. That is not the announcement.

Claudia: We’re finally getting a TV you can plug a Dvd player, or for that matter, any kind of device into?

John: No.

Judy: You’ve decided that we should live more within our means and we’re moving into the slumbs?

John: No.

Janine: Well, it can’t be that you’ve lost the will to live, all respect for yourself or all your self-confidence because we’ve known that for years.

John: No. You’re mother and I are tired of you kids and this whole set-up. We’re going into a hotel for the weekend.

Claudia: (Excitedly) Are Uncle Billybob and Aunt Watermelon Sunshower going to be staying with us?

John: No. Despite our opulence, I can’t afford to pay them.

Janine: Ah, couldn’t you sell a couple extra burgers today to raise the necessary cash that would enable you to buy the bottle of Adam’s scotch that would be the usual required payment for Uncle Billybob to look after kids for the weekend?

John: No. I gave up putting extra effert into things a long time ago. You kids will be staying alone.

(He exits)

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. All the members of the Bsc are there.

Kristy: I now call this meeting of the Bsc to order. (Bangs her gavel) Any old business? Any new business?

Claudia: Yes. Since I moved back to Grade 8, I’ve been really busy with my grade 7 friends, you guys, my homework, my boyfriend, and my baby-sitting. My parents are away for the weekend, so I thought it would be nice if I could get my Grade 7 friends, Josh and you guys together. Want to have a party tomorrow night?

Bsc Members: Sure.

Mallory: A party would be good this weekend because Mongrel and Weasel just got out.

Bsc Members: Yeah.

Claudia: Good.

Kristy: Yes, thank you for inviting us. Any other new business? Good. Let’s talk mean about our boyfriends. (The phone rings) Darn. Hello … yes … yes … yes … hold on. (Kristy covers the receiver) Mrs. Mafumweh needs someone to babysit her thirty-five kids Thursday afternoon.

Mary Anne: I’ll do it. But I’ll need some more Niquil and Benadrill and Arcade Fire albums for my Kid-Kit.

Kristy: Stacey, do we have enough in the treasury?

Stacey: Yes, I decided I didn’t want that new dress after all.

Kristy: Good. (Speaking into the phone) Mary Anne will babysit for you. Goodbye.

(Kristy hangs up the phone.)

Abby: I have some old business.

Kristy: Yes.

Abby: I don’t know what to do about those two Korman kids, Bill and Melody. They won’t stop fighting.

Jesse: Maybe you could have them do something together.

Abby: I don’t know. Anyway, why don’t we put the matter aside for now and talk mean about our boyfriends.

Scene 3

The kitchen. Claudia enters. Janine is standing at the counter.

Claudia: Hey, Janine, what are we having for dinner?

Janine: Nothing. I didn’t feel like making dinner.

Claudia: You’re getting to be more like Mom everyday. Hey, I was thinking, could I have a party here tomorrow night with some of my friends

Janine: Sure. A responsible older sister would tell you no, but it would most likely be over dinner, too.

Claudia: Thank you.

Janine: You’re welcome. On second thought, it better be just a few friends because I’m not cleaning up. Well, I’m not cleaning up even if its just a few friends, so I guess there are no restrictions after all.

Scene 4

The living room. Dozens of people are in the house. The stereo plays loudly.

Claudia: I didn’t expect everybody to arrive all at once.

Mongrel: Well, I needed transportation and I was walking by Donut Express and I saw this empty bus. The driver and all the passengers must have gone inside. So, anyway, I stole the bus and decided to pick everybody up and here we are.

Claudia: Great. Well, there’s pizza arriving shortly and there are pops and snacks out.

Mongrel: Cool. Yeah, I don’t think those people in Donut Express would have needed the bus anyway. The diabetes convention is this weekend and an ambulance was arriving just as I pulled away, so.

Kristy: Ah. If you’d gotten to Donut Express a little later you could’ve shown up in an ambulance. That would have been awesome.

Janine: I didn’t expect this many people. We’re running out of snacks already.

Weasel: No problem. Mongrel and I’ll go rob a convenience store.

Janine: Would you? That would really help us out.

Mongrel: No problem.

Scene 5

The living room. Mongrel and Weasle enter with cases and cases of liquor. The stereo plays loudly.

Mongrel: Sorry, Claudia, on our way to rob the convenience store we ran into a liquor store.

Weasel: If we’d drunk it all in the bus like I wanted we’d’ve literally run into the liquor store. (He pulls various drugs out of his pockets) Here. (He puts them on the coffee table)

Claudia: Everybody, everybody, could I have your attention, please. This is a get-acquainted party. Everybody break up into teams. I’m going to pass out sheets with facts on them. You have to work with the other members of your team to figure out who the fact pertains to.

Josh: If I keep drinking, I’m just going to pass out.

Ethan: Hey, that’s a great idea. I know a fact. Who got caught with the magic mushrooms last year? Johanna.

Johanna: Shut up, Ethan. (She slugs him with her liquor bottle. A fight ensues. As the evening wares on, the kids get progressively nmore drunk and high. They all fight.)

Mongrel: Hey, everybody, let’s play Throw Family Heirlooms Around.

(The kids start throwing precious things from around the house. The party moves outside.)

Mantage …

Josh: Hey, everybody, I’m going to jump off the roof into the pool. (He tries, but misses and falls onto the deck and passes out)

…

(The doorbell rings. Mongrel and Weasel, who are tending bar, answer.)

Billy Korman: I need a drink.

Melody Korman: Me, too.

Billy: I’m tired of dealing with that dumb girl.

Melody: And I’m tired of dealing with that little brat.

Mongrel: How old are you?

Billy: I’m nine and she’s seven.

Mongrel: Cool. Just curious. What’ll you have.

Billy: I’ll have a whisky and soda.

Melody: Me, too.

Weasel: Two wisky and sodas coming right up.

…

(Bill and Melody are drunk and fighting.)

…

Josh: And I say zebras can ride motorcycles.

(He slugs another kid)

Scene 6

The living room. A knock is heard at the front door. Mongrel opens it. Two policemen are standing there.

Officer 1: We got a report of two little kids fighting at this address.

Mongrel: They’re right here. (He points to where Bill and Melody are fighting. The officer handcuffs them and leads them away. The guests disperse.)

Scene 7

The next day. The house is a complete shambles.

Claudia: Oh, what a party. Everybody drunk and high and fighting. I feel ashamed almost.

Janine: Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be doing anything like that again for the next few days.

Claudia: Yeah, well, it was supposed to be a get-acquainted party, and the guests got acquainted pretty well, so I guess the ends justifies the means.

Janine: We’ve gotta clean this all up now.

Claudia: Wait. I think I know a way to get Bill and Melody to stop fighting.

(She heads toward the phone.)

Scene 8

The living room. Bill and Melody are cleaning the house.

Billy: We’re going to tell our parents and all the other kids in the neighbourhood. When they find out what you did, you’re reputation will be over.

Claudia: Well, I guess that puts an end to the Baby-sitters Club.
Janine: Hey, look at it this way, you’ll have more free time to do sister stuff with me.

Claudia: Yeah.

Closing credits.

Based on "Claudia and the Big Party" by Anne M. Martin.