PARODY TIME-SOMEWHERE IN BLUE

SOMEWHERE IN BLUE

 

Scene 1

The boardwalk. Sandy is standing on the boardwalk staring at the water. A bird swoops down into the water and starts swimming around. Danny comes up to Sandy.

Danny: Hey.

Sandy: (Flatly) Hey.

Danny: Skippin school again?
Sandy: What does it look like?

Danny: You’re not missing much, anyway. Just Mr. Tipton trying-and failing to operate the dvd player.

Sandy: Yeah, really. Those things have only been around for, like, twenty years now?

Danny: Hey, look at that bird swimming around.

Sandy: Yeah. I wonder why that bird would prefer to be in the water when it has the ability to fly around and soar through the air.

Danny: Hey, do you think there’s anyway what you just said will become applicable to your own life at some point in the near future?

Sandy: Nah.

Danny: Me neither. Let’s get some fries.

 

Scene 2

The house. Sandy enters the kitchen. Vivienne, her mother, is standing at the stove, stirring a pot.

Vivienne: And where have you been? Weren’t you supposed to be in school today?

Sandy: And aren’t you supposed to be at work today?

Vivienne: Our manager said we could go home early today because the bank doesn’t have any money. Your principal called here, you know.

Sandy: All right, all right, I skipped school. It was no big deal, anyway. All I missed was biology.

Vivienne: That doesn’t matter. The principal said watching a teacher try to work a dvd player provides important academic knowledge you’ll need if you hope to make it into university. (Sniffs) And you’ve been eating French fries at the boardwalk, haven’t you?

Sandy: Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s not healthy and all that.

Vivienne: That’s right. In this house we eat healthy things.

Sandy: What are you making now?

Vivienne: Carrot sticks that’ll be just like French fries.

Sandy: How can carrot sticks be made to seem just like fries?

Vivienne: I’m deep-frying them in hot oil.

 

Scene 3

Lenny’s house. Sandy bursts through the front door.

Sandy: I came as soon as I could.

Lenny: Thank goodness. I think this one’s worse than all the others.

Sandy: What’s this one’s name?

Lenny: J.D.

Sandy: Oh, man.

(Sandy and Lenny advance up the stairs, make their way to Lenny’s mom’s bedroom and knock on the closed door. The door flies open. J.D. is standing there. He is drunk.)

J.D.: Evenin, girls.

Lenny: Get away from my mom.

J.D.: No, no, you see, Joe Perry didn’t have to start Journey, or The Joe Perry Project, for that matter, (eyes start misting) but he did it out of the goodness of his heart.

Sandy: You heard her. Leave this house, now!

J.D.: Man, that guy over there reminds me just like Dalton McGhinte. They’re similar, eh, the way they stand there, stand there and stuff.

Lenny: No, they’re not.

J.D.: (Shouts) Fine!! I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.

(He exits. We see Lenny’s mother lying on the bed in a nightgown.)

Lenny: Mother, why do you always have to go to the bar and pick up these weirdos?!

Theresa: Because they’re always so insightful, dear.

 

Scene 4

The boardwalk. Sandy is sitting beside the water, people-watching. Danny comes up to her.

Danny: I thought I’d find you here.

Sandy: Well, you did.

Danny: Yeah, people are interesting.

Sandy: Dad used to always say people are like onions, layers, you know.

Danny: I think the very same thing, as a matter of fact. People are like onions. Sometimes, if you cut them up, they can make your eyes water, so you have to chop them up under water.

Sandy: Hmmmm?

Danny: Also, sometimes they can take away bee stings.

 

Scene 5

No Frills. Theresa is going around the store, picking up groceries. None of the items on the shelves are in any kind of packaging. She sees Steve up ahead. She aims her cart at Steve and rams into him.

Theresa: Oh, sorry. You’d think these carts had a mind of their own sometimes.

Steve: Tell me about it.

Theresa: Sure sucks nothing’s in any kind of packaging, eh?

Steve: Tell me about it.

Theresa: Hey, do you wanna come home with me?

Steve: Sure.

 

Scene 5

Theresa’s house. Theresa and Steve are sitting in the living room drinking beer.

Theresa: Hey, you know what this party needs?

Steve: Oh man, I hate guessing games.

Theresa: Some music.

(She flips on the TV.)

Anncr: You’re watching CMT. Sometimes, we show music videos, like right now.

(A Shania Twain video.)

Shania Twain: Hmmm, I wonder who we could get to be your secretary, Mutt?

Mutt Lange: I know, how about your best friend.

Shania: Oh, that would be great. Honey, you’re always so thoughtful.

Shania then starts girating around to some country music.

Theresa: Oh, it’s her world peace song. I love this one.

Steve: Oh man, I hate having to give my opinion.

(They start dancing around the room.)

 

Scene 6

Exhibition Grounds. The prom is taking place. Sandy and Danny are milling around. Other students are dancing or hanging out. Theresa and Steve enter and walk up to Mr. Air, who is chaperoning.

Steve: (To Mr. Air) So, we’re sittin around watchin TV and dancing and stuff and I figure, What the heck. I never went to my prom and little lady here never went to her prom so let’s crash this one. Know what I’m sayin?

Mr. Air: Get out.

(Theresa and Steve go up to the deejay.)

Steve: Cut off this garbage and play something good.

(Steve pulls out a tape recorder from his pocket. He unplugs the deejay’s sound system, sets the tape recorder up on top of the stereo and presses Play. Old, tinny-sounding country music comes out.)

Theresa: (Drunk) Dance, kids.

Lenny: Mom, you’re embarrassing me. I can’t believe you’d do this at my prom.

Theresa: (Angrily) I said dance.

(Vivienne enters and walks up to Sandy.)

Sandy: Mom, what are you doing here?

Vivienne: Honey, I just came to say I know I haven’t been a caring parent over the years. With your father passing away I know there’s a void and you need that same caring support that he brought to his household. However, I am not that caring, parental type and you’re just going to have to accept that. (Sandy bursts into tears) I appreciate that we could come to a concensus on this matter.

(Vivienne exits.)

Theresa: Come on, let’s get this party crackin already.

 

Closing credits.

Based on "Somewhere in Blue" by Gillian Cummings.