PARODY TIME-DEGRASSI TALKS: SEX

DEGRASSI TALKS: SEX

Hello. I’m from the government, and I’m here to help. FMBC, the Federal Monolyth Broadcasting Corporation, in association with a whole bunch of other agencies (because this country’s so pathetic one agency doesn’t have the money to produce something on its own,) have produced this documentary for the purpose of talking frankly and openly about sex.

This documentary will take a responsible and ethical view of this topic, and I would say this even if I wasn’t sure your parents were in the room with you watching this.

Amanda Steptoe played a character on TV who got pregnant so she’s qualified to talk about this subject.

“Actually, I was still a virgin while I was on the show. However, when I did have sex for the first time, I was in a committed relationship. Mind you, we eventually broke up and I felt crushed because I had given myself to someone who later broke my heart, but hey.

“Also, from before the first time I had sex onward, I was on the birth control pill. The birth control pill is 96 to 99 percent effective if it’s taken properly, which most girls don’t do. There’s also been some recent press about horrible side effects, but at least you won’t have a baby. Besides, the brands of birth control pills on the market today are approved by the government, the same people who made this film, so you know they’re safe and reliable.”

(Shift to a street where the narrator is talking to a teenager.))

“When is  the best time to have sex?”

“7:00 in the morning.”

“Why do teens have sex?”

“Because they’re aroused.”

“Why do guys run?”

“For exercise.”

Nicky is a fourteen year old girl. What is unique about Nicky, though, is that she got pregnant.

“I told him “That baby has to be yours because you’re the only guy I’ve been with.” Well, that wasn’t strictly true because I’d kissed guys before but I took a pregnancy test after I kissed each guy and I didn’t end up pregnant except for the time I had sex.”

“Me and Sam had been going out for a long time, like five or six months. One night we were at a party and he was like, “Let’s go upstairs” and once we got upstairs he was like “Let’s have sex.” I said I didn’t know if I was ready and he was all “Come on, babe, of course you’re ready, you just saw your first PG movie by yourself last week, I mean your thirteen, a teenager cause it has teen in the number and everything.” So we did it.

“I did it because I thought it would make me more popular among my friends but I just ended up being known as the school slut instead.

“I found out I was pregnant when I came home from that party that night and my mom was like “Oh gosh, you’re pregnant” and I thought, well, if my Mom says I’m pregnant then I must be.

“My mom was kind of ticked off when I admitted I had had sex. She was all like why didn’t you start taking the pill or use condoms or even better how ‘bout you don’t have bloody sex seeing as how you’re thirteen bloody years old.

“I don’t remember actually having the baby because I was so full of drugs: illegal ones. One of the girls who was living with us at the time made sure I got hooked up good.

“Life after Geoffrey was born was tough. I mean, I have to spend upwards of fifteen minutes a night caring for the little blighter. I mean, I go to school and I’m free to go out with my friends any time because my parents take care of him most of the time, but I’m still expected to have responsibilities just because he’s my child if you can believe it.

“Sam, Geoffrey’s father, has no interest in him. He says, “Sure, I’ve got a baby and everything, babe, but is that really more important than mastering all the levels of the series of video games I’m playing right now? I don’t think so.” And I’m just like fine, be that way.

“If something were to happen to me then Geoffrey would go to my parents. They’d be his legal guardians. My mom’s totally OK with it, too. She said one night, “Well, you seem to take no interest in your own son so we might as well be the ones to look after him.”

“I haven’t told Geoffrey that Sam is his dad. Like I said, Sam takes no interest in Geoffrey, not for the two and a half years Geoffrey has been alive. He did bring Geoffrey a pen and pencil set once, though, which I thought was nice. Hmmm, maybe Sam is qualified to be Geoffrey’s legal guardian after all.”

In a recent study, a huge percentage of a group of grade 7 boys surveyed said they had had sex. Two years later, an even greater percentage of this group said they had had sex, adding, “Come on, man, don’t you believe me?”

The same study also found out the majority of teens say they are very knowledgeable about birth control, as well as everything else.

According to Planned Parenthood, one quarter of teens who have sex don’t use a condom. Also according to Planned Parenthood, if you are black and you want to abort your baby, you should totally come into one of their clinics and do it right away.

(Shift back to narrator talking to teenager on street.)

“Why don’t some teens use birth control?”

“Because they’re not having sex.”

Now for a different perspective on the issue of teens and sex, we are going to do something unique and daring. We are going to speak to Chanty, who is black, meaning she is a member of an ethnic minority.

“I got pregnant at seventeen. I was surprised because the guy I was with swore to me he couldn’t get a girl pregnant because he had had so much sex already in his lifetime he’d used up all his sperm.

“Well, I thought about keeping it, but I realized I wasn’t going to get any support from the baby’s father. He said he had an allergy to paper so he would go into a coma if he handed me money for the baby’s support so I decided to put the child up for adoption.

“I gave birth to my son and then the doctors said in order to complete the adoption process I would have to go to sleep, so they gave me some drug of some sort and when I woke up my son was with another family and I didn’t have a uterus anymore for some reason.”

(Shift back to the street and the narrator interviewing teens.)

“Do you guys know what STDs are?”

“Isn’t that a new cable sports channel?”

“Some bank thing, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know at your age, sir?”

We will now hear from Angie.

“I first had sex when I was less than ten years old.”

“And you got a sexually transmitted disease.”

“Well, see, the reason why I had sex at such a young age was---“

“Oh, I don’t care about that. So how did you find out you had an STD.”

“Well, I went to the doctor for a blood test and I went back to get my results and the doctor opened the envelope and just said, “Whoa.” When I could finally get him to stop laughing he said, still giggling a little, “You have every sexually transmitted disease known to man.” I thought he was playing a cruel joke on me so I asked to see the report and he handed it to me and what that doctor said was true. As my dad and I were leaving the office, my dog got run over by a passing car. Then a terrorist jumped out of an alley and shot my father in cold blood.”

“So, what is your life like now with all these infections?”

(As Angie is speaking, parts of her are dropping off.)

“Well, not bad really. I mean, I can’t have children, which I really wanted someday, but I’m gradually coming to terms with that. I’ve lost the function of most of my vital organs: my kidneys, my liver, most of my lung capacity, but life goes on. I frequently come down with new diseases and old ones that were supposed to have been wiped out by now.”

Use of a condom is an effective way to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Well, actually condoms are made out of laytex which contains little holes the germs and viruses that cause stds can easily fit through but aside from that really...

(Shift back to the narrator on the street talking to teenagers.)

“What about AIDS?”

“Oh I always send a couple cans of powdered milk over to Africa whenever people come to the door asking me to, and I like that magazine Amnesty International puts out. Keeps me really aware, you know.”

We are now going to speak with a teenager who got AIDS. The particular person we are going to speak to also happens to be homosexual.

“Now are you sure you don’t want me to use a pseudonym when we make this film?”

“No thanks, sir.”

“All right, then. So, Bentley, when did you first suspect you had this disease?”

“Well, one morning I was complaining to my partner at the time about this bad cold I had and he said, “Oh, you probably have AIDS” so right away I ran down to the free clinic and got a test. Later, my partner said he was joking.

“The test came back positive, of course. It was humiliating enough to have to get that news, but the clinic didn’t have to deliver it via singing telegram, in my opinion.

“My partner and I touched each other on the shoulder and said we’d be together forever. Then he called up the alternative high school where I was completing my diploma and Toronto city council and told them I had AIDS. That got me banned from school, all stores, restaurants, and highways and roads.”

“My, what an experience. Do you see any positive side to the AIDS epidemic?”

“I do, actually. Among gay men, temporarily at least, death by AIDS has surpassed death by lynching.”

When it comes to teens and sex (a knock is heard at the door) Come in.

(Billy enters.)

Billy: Hello, there. I decided to knock on a door and ask a random stranger what the best way to prevent AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases was.

Narrator: How appropriate that you should choose me, then. AIDS can be prevented by using a condom.

Billy: But didn’t you say earlier that condoms have holes viruses can get through?

Narrator: You didn’t hear that. Also, condoms should be stored in safe places. They should never be exposed to heat. You should always check the expiry date and you should also use a spermicide with a condom, preferably even if the condom already comes with spermicide.

Billy: Screw it, I think I’ll just hope there’s a cure for AIDS by the time my girlfriend and I get around to doing it.

Narrator: Sounds like a plan. Besides, you’re probably not going to stop to put one on when you’re in the mood anyway, and if you want to do it a second time you have to get another one.

What about father’s who choose to stick around when their partner gets pregnant? And yes, I realize this would have fit better in an earlier part of this documentary. I spoke to a couple to find out about fathers who are there for their little ones.

I spoke to Barry and Mary Smith. Their six month old daughter is named Barry Mary.

Narrator: So, how shocking was it when you found out you were pregnant?

Mary: Well, it was kind of a big shock, you could say, but a pleasant one.

Narrator: Pleasant?

Barry: Well, yes. I mean, we’d been trying for at least a year and a half.

Narrator: I see. So, Mary, did Barry offer to marry you when he found out or what?

Mary: Marry me?

Narrator: You know, “Honey, you’re pregnant and I really want to make this baby legit so I guess we should---“

Barry: We were already married. In fact we’d been married for nearly five years at that point.

Narrator: Oh, how old are you two?

Mary: He’s 29 and I’m 27.

Narrator: Well, I guess I’ll be off now.

Barry: What about the payment for appearing in this you mentioned earlier?

(The door slams.)

(Shift back to narrator talking to teens on the street.)

“What’s the best form of birth control?”

“A well-placed knee.”

“Your face should just about do it.”

We are now going to talk to Elissa. She made a decision many may find very controversial.

“How did you find yourself pregnant?”

“Well, I would walk into a room that had a mirror in it and see my belly and think, “Whoa, something’s going on here.”

“I didn’t want to keep the baby so I phoned up a community clinic for counselling and I asked about adoption. I also asked about abortion. Here, I have a tape.”

(Elissa puts the tape in a cassette player and presses play.)

(On the tape)

Elissa: Well, I really like the idea of giving a couple who can’t have children a child.

Councillor: Well, it might be better if you had an abortion. Listen, what’s the colour of your skin?

Elissa: I’m black.

Councillor: (Excitedly) Oooh, come down right away. You got any pregnant sistas?

Elissa: Any what?

Councillor: (Speaking slowly) Any of your homegirlsout to be a babymama?

Elissa: No, I’m the only---

Councillor: Well, come down anyway.

(Shuts tape player off.)

“I went to the Morgantaller clinic to have it done. It went OK although it was a bit disconcerting having the operation done by an old German man in lederhosen. Well, I guess that part of it was all right but did he have to blast his polka music and shout “vunderbar” throughout the whole thing? I don’t think so.

“Why did I not ultimately choose adoption? Well, I figured maybe someone might not want the child after all. There are a lot of unwanted children out there leading crummy lives and I didn’t want to contribute to it. I thought it would be much more humane to have the baby ripped apart in my womb.

“The time at the clinic waiting for the abortion was all right. I brought along four of my friends for support. The receptionist seemed quite put out that they weren’t also pregnant, for some reason. I was kind of incensed when she suggested they have one just in case. We played cards before the appointment, which was cool because it’s something I rarely get to do.

“Yeah, I let the father know. I phoned up a week later and said, “Hey, I aborted our baby.” He was like, “Oh, it’s so great you didn’t consult me or anything.” And I was like, “Well, you weren’t going to be home for another week.” And he was like “Ohyeah, that makes a lot of sense.” I was just like, “Whatever.”

“Symptoms? No, other than a few horrible nightmares I haven’t had any symptoms. Oh, alsoI can’t see a baby in a stroller without going into hysterics, and last week at my dentist’s office when he turned on the drill I nearly destroyed the place.”

Helen, a second year university student was so upset about the protesters outside the clinic where she had her abortion that she did something about it.

“I started my own clinic. It’s in a secluded location so no prolife protesters. My last name is Waite, so if any girls out there want to get an abortion hassle free they can go to Helen Waite.”

Kurt and Lucy waited a year till they started having sex.

Kurt: We waited till we were ready. I didn’t want to pressure her into anything.

Lucy: I feel so special.

Kurt: And I’m glad she feels special, like I really think of her as somebody and not just a sex object. I’m going to break up with her soon and move on to her sister, but in the meantime, hey.

Narrator: What’s your advice to teens who are thinking of having sex.

Kurt: Wait till you’re ready, like, you know, aroused. Before then sex is definitely wrong. Have it as soon as you possibly can.

Lucy: Yeah, don’t worry about how bad you’re going to feel afterwords.

This has been a documentary in your interest from your government.

Closing credits.

Based on “Degrassi Talks: Sex” companion book to the “Degrassi Talks” television series episode.