PARODY TIME-MELANIE

MELANIE

Scene 1

Melanie’s room. Melanie is sitting at her rickety old desk.

Melanie: I’m so excited. Tomorrow’s the first day of junior high. (She walks over to the bed, picks up her new school clothes and shows them to the audience) I bought these clothes just today. I went shopping with my best friend, Kathleen Mead, and her mom. We were out for twelve hours. It would have only been two hours but Kathleen’s mom stopped off at a bar on the way home. Junior high’s going to be so great. Up until the end of this past school year I went to Beatle Public School. It was all right, except for Ringo Starr constantly showing up. If I have to hear “Octopus’s Garden” one more time … Anyway, the other bad thing about Beatle Public School was that I got teased a lot. See, my mom and I aren’t exactly the richest people in the world. In Grade 2 I needed a new pair of rubber boots. Well, Mom went down to the local St. Vincent de Paul and came back with a pair of moon boots. The first morning there was heavy rain I put them on, but they didn’t work worth a darn. These rich girls, Amy and Allison, went around the schoolyard at recess that morning pointing and laughing at me and saying, “Melanie Brody has moon boots. Melanie Brody has moon boots.” So humiliating. Well, I better get to bed so I can be on time for the first day of school tomorrow.

(Melanie starts to undress for bed. Her mom comes barging into her room.)

Ms. Brody: Just checking to make sure you were going to bed early. Hey, you forgot Bob, your stuffed bobcat.

Melanie: Oh, yeah, thanks.

Ms. Brody: Your father was so proud when he shot that thing.

Melanie: Mom?

Ms. Brody: Yes, sweetheart.

Melanie: I’m really excited about starting Grade 7 tomorrow—

Ms. Brody: Yeah, I know. You’ve only been going on and on about it for the last week.

Melanie: But I’m also really nervous. I mean, this is junior high, the big time.

Ms. Brody: (Patting Melanie on the shoulder) I understand, honey. After all, after you graduate junior high, that’s the last of it. No more school.

Melanie: What are you talking about, Mom? There’s high school after junior high. Then, there’s college or university. After university, you can even go further in school to become a doctor or a lawyer or something like that.

Ms. Brody: But my father told me—Anyway, that’s not important. Just remember our family motto.

Melanie: Brodys never give up.

Ms Brody: That’s right. We don’t give up. We just accept that things are always going to be bad.

Melanie: Still, though, I wish we could afford the luxuries other families have.

Ms. Brody: You mean like dishwashers and VCRs?

Melanie: And central heating and running water—

Ms. Brody: Well, you can’t have everything. Good night, kiddo. Do you want your night light on?

Melanie: Mother, I’m almost thirteen! … Well, actually, maybe I should.

Ms. Brody: OK. (Flips on night light) There you go. I stopped sleeping with a night light when I was six, by the way.

(Ms. Brody exits.)

Scene 2

The sidewalk. Melanie and Kathleen are walking to school.

Melanie: Kathleen, look at this zit! This would have to happen my first day of junior high.

Kathleen: Relax, Melanie, you can’t even see it.

(A man saunters by holding a leash with no dog attached.)

Man: Oh boy, unicorns do exist after all!

(Melanie and Kathleen keep walking. They arrive at the entrance to Degrassi Junior High.)

Melanie: Look at all the little boys. There must be a daycare around here somewhere.

(Mr. Garcia comes up to them.)

Mr. Garcia: There’s no daycare. You girls are going into Grade 7. All the boys are going to be shorter than the girls.

Kathleen: What!

Mr. Garcia: Don’t worry. I teach Grade 9 at this school. You two will learn about puberty a couple years from now in my health class.

(Mr. Garcia walks away.)

Scene 3

The girls’ bathroom. Melanie walks up to the sink. Amy, Allison, Caitlin, and Suzie are standing at the other sinks, brushing their hair.

Amy: Oh my gosh. Melanie Brody has moon boots. Melanie Brody has moon boots.

Melanie: (Proudly) These are not moon boots. These are toddler saddle shoes my mom got for 95 percent off.

Allison: And those clothes.

Melanie: Just what is wrong with my clothes, exactly?

Allison: Well, let’s just say that somewhere there’s a horse who’s awfully cold.

Amy: Or some farmer has put away his scarecrow for the season.

(Amy and Allison exit the bathroom, giggling. Melanie starts crying.)

Caitlin: Don’t pay any attention to them.

Melanie: It’s not that easy.

Caitlin: Wanna come eat lunch with us? I’m Caitlin and this is my friend, Susie.

Susie: Hi.

Melanie: Sure.

Scene 4

Outside. Melanie, Kathleen, Caitlin, and Susie are sitting under a tree, eating their bagged lunches.

Caitlin: I can’t believe what snobs those girls in the bathroom were.

Susie: Yes. Next time, you should really tell them off.

Melanie: Like I said, it’s not that simple.

Kathleen: We had problems with them in public school, too.

Melanie: Rich girls like them, I bet they have all kinds of friends.

Caitlin: I’d never be friends with them. All they care about is how they look. Anybody like that isn’t worth getting to know.

Melanie: We sure were nervous walking into school this morning.

Caitlin: Yeah, tell me about it. But what’s even more bizarre is how your parents behave, you know. My dad was all set to give me a speech about how his little girl was growing up.

Susie: My dad looked through my bags to make sure I had everything I needed.

Melanie: My mom just told me to keep my chin up and try my best.

Caitlin: What about your dad?

Melanie: Well—

Kathleen: She doesn’t have a dad.

Susie: Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. Was his death really gory?

Kathleen: No, I meant her parents are divorced.

Caitlin: Then where does your dad live?

Melanie: We don’t know. He just kind of left one day when I was a baby.

Caitlin: Oh my, you don’t have a father at home.

(Caitlin and Susie beat Melanie up.)

Scene 5

Melanie’s house. Melanie and her mom are sitting around the kitchen table having tea.

Ms. Brody: Well, I’m glad to hear the first day of school went so well.

Melanie: Mom, do you ever hear from Dad?

Ms. Brody: Sometimes.

Melanie: What’s he doing now?

Ms. Brody: I’m not sure. I think in his last letter he said he was off fighting in El Salvador or somewhere.

Melanie: He never writes to me. Not even a birthday card.

Ms. Brody: That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Of course, the fact that whenever he writes he explicitly says he doesn’t love you might mean something.

Melanie: Why did you and Dad split up, anyhow?

Ms. Brody: I guess we decided we were just two different people.

Melanie: But he left shortly after I was born.

Ms. Brody: Honey, your father was very confused when I got pregnant.

Melanie: Why was that?

Ms. Brody: One of his buddies down at the bar told him a woman couldn’t get pregnant if she had been married to a man for four years and the moon was in its last quarter. Then, well, I did.

Scene 6

Miss Avery’s classroom. The students are sitting at their desks, working on an assignment. Melanie is writing in her journal.

Melanie: (In her head while writing) Dear Diary,

The reason I haven’t written in you in almost a week is because nothing much has happened. The lack of decent boys at this school is really disgusting, terrible and unacceptable. Plus, they’re all so sub-sub-average-looking, anyway. I am of course the last person who should complain about someone’s looks but there is a limit.

(Miss Avery comes up behind Melanie’s chair and glances over Melanie’s shoulder.)

Miss Avery: Is that anything you’d like to share with the class, Melanie?

Melanie: No, Miss Avery.

Miss Avery: Then I will (She picks up Melanie’s diary, walks to the front of the class and clears her throat. The bell rings) Class dismissed. Have a good weekend, everyone.

(Melanie gathers up her books and walks with Kathleen to her locker.)

Melanie: All the boys shorter than the girls. That is just the worst news.

Kathleen: Relax, Melanie. It’s not that bad.

Melanie: Yes it is. (Melanie starts to open her locker. Snake comes up and starts to open the locker beside her. Melanie can’t seem to open her locker. She turns to Snake, embarrassed.) Sorry, I’m helpless around a man.

Snake: I think I can get it. (He pulls out a blowtorch and melts away the lock) There you go.

Melanie: Oh, thank you. What’s your name?

Snake: Oh, people around here just call me Snake.

Melanie: Snake?! What kind of a nickname is that?!

Snake: Well, the producer of this thing told me I could have a choice of either being called Snake or Slim.

Melanie: That’s too bad.

Snake: You’re telling me. I hate that producer.

Melanie: Well, have a good weekend.

(Melanie exits.)

Scene 7

The house. Melanie enters. Her mother is sitting at the kitchen table.

Melanie: Hey Mom, we won the race against the boy’s soccer team.

Ms. Brody: Congratulations, honey. You got a letter from your dad. I don’t understand why after all this time he has to make this intrusion into our lives. Why couldn’t he have just left us alone.

Melanie: Well, you did give me his address.

Ms. Brody: What’s that got to do with anything?

(Melanie opens the letter and begins to read.)

Stuart Kerr: Dear Melanie,

Got your letter. Why you would think I would want to hear from you I can’t imagine. I thought abandoning you and your mother twelve or however many years ago it was should have proven hint enough I wanted nothing to do with the sight of either your mother or the spawn that reminded me of that horrible woman.

Good day to you.

Sincerely,

Stuart Kerr

P.S.: Thank you for the construction paper tie you made in Grade 2. It proved most useful.

(Melanie bursts into tears.)

Ms. Brody: Cheer up, honey. You also got the latest issue of Modern Teen magazine today. They included something you wrote.

Melanie: They did! (Melanie opens the magazine) Oh no, I’m included in the Hate Mail And Other Ridiculous Correspondence section. (Reads) We can’t believe this girl from some hick town in Canada called Towonto or something keeps writing to our plush Beverly Hills offices, but she does. We finally decided to publish her latest comically snory submission in hopes she’ll see this notice, get the message and stop wasting postage on sending this drivel to us. Better get practicing your burger flipping, Melanie.

(Melanie bursts into tears again.)

Ms. Brody: Cheer up, sweetie. Even if you were a successful Canadian romance novelist, odds are you’d still need to work on your burger flipping skills.

Melanie: This day’s turned so depressing. I think I’ll go see a movie.

Scene 8

The movie theatre. Melanie enters and sits down in a seat. “Revenge of the Reptiles” is playing onscreen. There is a whole lot of blood and gore. Snake comes up to her.

Snake: Hey, Melanie! Whatcha doing sitting all alone? You should be sitting beside me. This is our first date, after all.

Melanie: First date? Oh no, I forgot. We were supposed to go see this showing of “Revenge of the Reptiles” together.

Snake: We’d only been planning this since last Friday.

(Yick comes up to them.)

Yick: What are you talking about?! What are you talking about, Snake? Melanie promised me last Thursday she’d go out with me to see this movie.

(Snake and Yick get into a fight. Yick beats Snake up thoroughly. Melanie sneaks out of the theatre while the fight is taking place.)

Scene 9

The movie theatre. Melanie, Kathleen, Caitlin, and Susie enter and sit down together.

Kathleen: Now, Melanie, I hope you didn’t accidentally ask a boy out to this movie before agreeing to go see it with us.

Melanie: Guys, would you sstop. That was a whole three days ago.

(Snake comes up to them.)

Snake: Standing me up again, are you, Melanie?

(Yick comes up to them.)

Yick: No, Snake, buddy, the one whom Melanie is actually standing up is me. She promised to take me on a makeup date before she promised to take you on one.

Caitlin: Melanie! Didn’t you learn anything from Friday’s experience?!

Melanie: This is Degrassi. Students never learn from their mistakes.

Susie: Oh forget it, then. Let’s just watch this movie.

(The words “SLIME CREATURES” come up onscreen. More blood and gore ensues.)

Caitlin: Hey, this looks like “Revenge of the Reptiles” with a different title.

(Stuart Kerr comes up to them.)

Stuart Kerr: Oh, but it is. Our studio is really cheap that way. Hello, daughter.

(Stuart brushes past Melanie. Suddenly, the movie stops and the PA system comes on.)

Allison: Attention Fox Theatre patrons. We interrupt the films you are watching for a special presentation. I will now read select portions from the diary of Melanie Brody. (Clears throat and reads) Dear Diary,

Snake is just the hottest thing this planet has ever seen. He is so dreamy and has the most gorgeous smile. Oh, and by the way---

(Melanie makes her way to the front of the theatre to where the PA system is located.)

Melanie: That does it, Allison. I’ve been putting up with your garbage since Grade 2, all over things I had no control over, my clothes, etc. That all stops right here and now.

(Melanie beats up Allison.)

Amy: Oh, by the way, the hemline of that skirt looks like it doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.

Melanie: That goes for you, too.

(Melanie beats up Amy. Principal Lawrence enters.)

Mr. Lawrence: Melanie Brody, I am Mr. Lawrence, principal of Degrassi Junior High. We have a zero tolerance policy to students standing up for themselves anywhere at any time in any way. You are expelled from the entire Ontario public, private, separate, and special school system.

Melanie: Oh, now what am I going to do?

(Stuart Kerr enters.)

Stuart Kerr: Better get practicing your burger flipping.

Everyone laughs as the closing credits start to roll.

Based on “Melanie” by Susin Nielsen-Furnlund.