THE GAME
Open with a James Bond-like theme.
Prologue …
A mental hospital. James Thurber and Harold enter.
Harold: So, James, how are you’s doin tuday.
James Thurber: Pretty good, even if I do drink floor
polish for stomach bitters and get into other comic situations.
Harold: That latest girl they brought in sure looks
messed up. I wish I’da bin here when she arrived instead with the penguins at
Harvard.
Dr. Thurber: Still playing golf with nuns, are you?
Harold: Yup. (Sighs) She had a pharmacy in her veins. Was
sure tough cutting through that display of chocolate bars te get te her
coronary artery.
Dr. Thurber: Is that her in the room we’re in front of
now?
Harold: Yup.
Dr. Thurber: Do you think we should go in there and pick
her up off the floor?
Harold: Huh, maybe.
Scene 1
Isolation F Ward. Danny wakes up and opens her eyes. Her
head takes off from her body, flies around the room and settles back down on
her neck. Danny is wearing a shirt with a horrible-looking monster on it and
the words RUN FROM THE RIVERWOOD MONSTER. She slides toward the door, reaches
up and tries to open it.
Danny: It’s stuck. Come on, door, open. Open. … Oh wait,
it’s locked.
Ray Manzurik: Hey. Are you in there or what? Danielle
Webster? Are you Danielle Ireen Webster?
Danny: Can I get out now?
Ray Manzurik: Just shut up and answer the question. Are
you Danielle Ireen Webster?
Danny: Oh, yes. Who are you?
Ray Manzurik: My name’s Ray Manzurik. I’m your door.
Danny: Oh.
Ray Manzurik: So how nuts are you?
Danny: No, I just, I, too much vodka, accidentally. I
thought it was water.
Ray Manzurik: Yeah, right. Well, anyway, I gotta go.
Listen kid, don’t fight it or they’ll nail you. See you in about a day. Stay
loose.
(Danny tries to pull herself up the wall. Suddenly, a
hurricane occurs. )
Scene 2
The infirmary. A nurse wheels Danny in.
Nurse: Due to cutbacks, we had to fire all our
physicians. The physicals are all done by machine.
(The nurse turns on the machine.)
Machine: Welcome to your physical! Do you have an
irregular heartbeat?
Danny: I don’t know. I don’t think so.
Machine: Do you have any tropical diseases in your blood
stream?
Danny: How should I know that?
Machine: Try again.
Danny: I don’t know.
Machine: You have successfully passed your physical.
(Yolanda Briggs enters.)
Yolanda Brigs: Afternoon, honey. My name’s Yolanda L.
Briggs.
Danny: What does the L stand for?
Yolanda: I like Elle Magazine so much I decided to change
my middle name to L. Come with me.
Scene 3
Outside Room 322. Yolanda pounds on the room door with
one hand and then opens it.
Allison Hilary McKenzie: Hey, yo, what’s up?
Yolanda: Yeah, as if you didn’t already know. Welcome to your new home, darling, your new,
permanent home. (Danny gets a shocked look on her face) Just kiddin. Now I’m
going to leave you two alone to discuss the state of Russia
(Yolanda exits.)
Allison: (Looking at Danny’s schedule) Let’s see, you
have one on one in twenty minutes … with Thurber! Oh my gosh, they gave you the
grand pooba. Richardson’s famous but Thurber is like, out of this world. He
likes to start off with the photo albums, which is actually kind of difficult
since he’s nearly blind as a bat. Yo, Danny, you with me? Hello. You got one on
one with Thurber in twenty minutes. Hey, daddy’s girl, snap out of it. (Danny
shoves Allison up against the dresser) OK, maybe I deserved that. (She shoves
Danny against the wall. A picture frame containing a woodcut of The Lady Of The
Lake falls and the glass shatters) Well, I’ve
got honours Spanish. Remember, you go up one floor to room 405. Talk to
Thurber. In fact, ask for the photo album straight off. If you can’t think of
anything to say, just make something up. Got that?
(Danny nods. Allison exits.)
Danny: Well, I guess King Arthur’s never gonna go looking
for the Holy Grail now.
Scene 4
James Thurber’s office. Danny enters.
Dr. Thurber: Come in, Danielle, sorry, Danny, come in.
Welcome. Make yourself comfortable. (Thurber’s office is disorganized. Books,
magazines, files, and fast food wrappers cover every surface) Sit, um, sit
somewhere, preferably not on the fast food wrappers. Do you have any question
about any aspect of being here?
Danny: Why do you have a picture of a giant tangereen in
your office?
Dr. Thurber: What! I have a picture of a giant tangereen
in my office? (Danny nods) That’s supposed to be a picture of my children. The
other staff must have played a practical joke on me, again.
Danny: Speaking of pictures, could we take a look at the
photo album?
Dr. Thurber: Of course. I believe that in certain circumstances,
a patient’s family photos can help the patient find things they weren’t even
looking for. Catch!
(He picks up the photo album and throws it at Danny. It
lands in her lap, catching her by surprise. She begins to flip through it.)
Danny: Dr. Thurber, these appear to be photos of your
family’s vacation to Florida
Dr. Thurber: Shoot! Another practical joke. (Shrugs)
Well, perhaps you could just tell me some repressed memories, perhaps some
involving vacations or family outings.
Danny: When I was five we went to the Statue Of Liberty
Flashback …
The ferry. Mark, Sandra, Danny, and Kelly are standing on
the ferry, headed toward the Statue Of Liberty
Sandra Webster: I am enjoying this pleasant family time
we are having together.
(Danny and Kelly nod.)
Mark Webster: Ah, the Statue Of Liberty, symbol of
freedom, the sum total of everything that makes this country great.
Young Man: Yeah, built in 1883 by a French sculptor who
was a free mason, the woman with the torch and the cup symbolizing an important
aspect of Greek mythology.
Mark: Listen you punk, I don’t want to hear that kind of
talk.
Young Man: I assure you it’s all true, sir.
Mark: I know it’s true but I don’t want to hear it.
(He pulls a kibab skewer out of his pocket and stabs the
young man. The young man pulls a skewer out of his pocket and stabs back. They
begin to fight.)
Present …
Dr. Thurber: Danny, Danny. (He walks over and takes
Danny’s pulse) Normal
Flashback …
Scene 5
The woods. Danny and Kelly are running through the woods
and jumping over downed tree trunks. Danny jumps over three tree trunks and
clears them.
Kelly: Warrior princesses.
Danny: Amazing Amazon.coms.
(Kelly trips over a tree trunk.)
Kelly: A dragon hath got me, yo. Please help me to
vanquish it and stuff.
(Danny and Kelly fight a pitched battle with the tree
trunk.)
Danny: We have vanquished the horrible dragon. We have
done killed our foe deader’n a hammer.
Kelly: Am I not, like, totally stupendous, fellow
warrior.
Danny: Yeah, you’re a miracle in motion all right.
Kelly: I can do anything, except most things because
Daddy says I’m too stupid and clumsy.
Danny: Well, we must get back home or we shall be late
for the recital tonight.
Scene 6
The auditorium. The Webster family is sitting in the front
row with all the other families who have children performing in the recital.
Sandra Webster: I still don’t know if it was a good idea
to insist Danny play tonight. The doctor did say she had that malignant brain
tumour.
Mark: She’s just faking.
(Jessica Rupert finishes singing “Tennesie Waltz.”
Anncr: Next, Danielle Webster playing Beethoven’s “Fifth
Symphony.”
(Danny gets up, walks onstage, sits down at the piano and
begins to play. CCR bursts through the stage door and begins to play “Ramble
Tamble.”)
John Fogerty: Thank you, St. Louis
(Danny walks offstage. Her father punches her in the
head.)
Present …
Scene 7
The conference room. The inmates of C ward are sitting
around the table. Dr. Thurber and Eugenia Montclaire are standing at the front
of the room.
Dr. Thurber: For our lecturer for this Career Day, I am
honoured to present Ms. Eugenia Montclaire.
Eugenia Montclaire: Thank you. I run a photography
equipment distribution company. Today, I intend to tell you exactly what is
involved in running a photography equipment distribution company. Not that it
really matters since you’re just a bunch of juvenile delinquent mental patients
who don’t have a hope of even getting out of here much less amounting to
anything.
Scene 8
Danny and Allison’s room. Danny and Allison are sitting
on their beds.
Allison: Hey, Danny, I got a present for you.
Danny: Really?
(Allison opens a drawer, pulls something out and hands it
to Danny.)
Allison: It’s a prescription pad. You just write whatever
kind of drugs you want on their, take it to the pharmacist when we go out on
errand’s night, and she’ll hook you up with whatever you want.
Danny: Oh, thank you, Allison. Some good times are in
store for me!
Flashback …
Scene 9
The woods. Danny and Kelly are standing by a tree.
Kelly: Danny, can we do the purifying ritual at the
stream?
Danny: No. We must get home straightway or they shall
have our butts.
Kelly: Please. Please, Danny, with sugar and liver and
broccoli on top!
Danny: OK. OK. Just a few minutes.
(They run through the woods.)
Kelly: It’s running. The stream’s still there. I can hear
it.
Danny: Brilliant hearing. I guess that’s why you’re
captain.
Kelly: Now all we have to do is walk across this patch of
rusty nails.
(They begin walking across the nails.)
Together: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Danny: OK, let’s get ready to be purified.
(They wade into the stream and then wade back out.)
Kelly: I’m starving.
Danny: Me, too.
(They stretch out on the grass, lying perfectly back to
back.)
Kelly: OK?
Danny: Perfect.
Kelly: What do we got?
Danny: One package of melting Maltezers. Also, three
packages of Rainbow Skittles to be washed down by a family-size pack of liquid
Snickers.
Kelly: I have apples, bread and cheese. Tell me about
Yuris.
Danny: Not today.
Kelly: Please, please, please. We won’t be playing it
tomorrow and we didn’t really play it today. I won’t ask for anything else.
Danny: OK, OK. Yuris is the personification of evil. His
robe is like pearlised clouds, but also irradescent blue, because it is a
different colour on either side. It is always misting around him, because of
his hair spray, for he has the 80’s hair jelling thing happening still. Yuris
floats, though he never leaves the ground. This is because of all the coffee in
his system. And Yuris has no hair anywhere on his body.
Kelly: I know just exactly what you mean, like a Chinese
person.
Danny: Yes, exactly. Let’s eat.
Kelly: Good idea.
(They try to eat but can’t open their mouths.)
Present …
Scene 10
The TV room. Danny, Allison and Kevin are watching TV.
Allison: So, what’s this movie that’s coming up called?
Danny: It’s called The Choppers. It stars Art Hall Jr.
and Mary Anne Gayba.
Allison: You make it sound so exciting.
Danny: It is. (Gets really excited) A one million dollar
a year racket. He first stole a peanut butter sandwich when he was six years
old. Now he’ll steal anything he can carry or load on a truck. (Sirens are
heard on the TV) Ohhh, here come the sirens. Run, Art, baby. Run.
Scene 11
The conference room. Dr. Thurber is at the front of the
room. Danny, Allison, Kevin, Jared, Bobby, Janice, and the others are sitting
around the table, silently.
Dr. Thurber: So, does anyone have any insights at all
today?
Danny: I do. I do.
Dr. Thurber: Good,
Danny. Go ahead and share them.
Danny: Well, the game was a means of disassociation.
Suraya is the personification of good, representing Kelly. Yuris represents me.
I feel I am bad because I could never please Daddy. Also, I just remember Kelly
actually died in a traffic accident the night after we played the game for the
last time, and I feel responsible because Mom and I went in a separate car, and
I feel like if I could have been with her I could have protected her or at
least went with her.
(She bursts out crying.)
Bobby: Um, Doc, I hate to cut this short but Wheel Of
Fortune and Jeopardy are on in a couple minutes.
Dr. Thurber: Right. You are dismissed.
Scene 12
The TV room. Bobby and some other patients are watching
TV.
Pat Sajack: Ok, any time you’re ready … you can pick your
first letter.
Contestant: I don’t know. I can’t decide which letter to
choose.
Pat Sajack: Oh for goodness sake, lady, find out the ten
most common consonants in the English language and keep picking them. When you
get the chance to buy a vowel, buy the letter e. That applies to most of the puzzles
we’ve had on here in the past twenty years. ****!
(Jeopardy comes on.)
Alex Trebek: And we have to take a commercial break.
Halfway through the Jeopardy round, John is at minus 200, Susan is at minus 500
and Vanessa is at minus 1000. We’ll be back after this.
Scene 13
Outside the infirmary. Allison is pacing up and down the
hall. Yolanda is standing just outside the door to the infirmary.
A.H.M.: Yolanda, can’t you do something?
Yolanda: Best for her just to let it all out.
Allison: But this is nuts, even for someone who’s nuts.
Yolanda: Now baby girl, just think of it. She ain’t cried
since she was four years old. All that abuse. All that pent-up emotion.
Allison: Anyway, Jared, Kevin and I are gonna walk out
the front door and start a new life. Look the other way, OK?
Yolanda: Sure thing.
(A nurse walks by and enters the infirmary. Danny is
lying on the bed furthest from the door. Sandra Webster is sitting in a chair,
staring at Danny intently.)
Nurse: You want liquid pizza?
(Danny gulps it down.)
Danny: All better now.
Sandra: Oh sweetheart, wonderful. I’ve brought you some
of your favourite dishes from when you were a child: pizza, cheese fries and
fake Jell-O. I used to give them to you after your father would abuse you.
(Danny goes into a coma.)
Closing credits.
Based on “The Game” by Teresa Toten.
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