PARODY TIME-THE FIRE AT MARY ANNE'S HOUSE

THE FIRE AT MARY ANNE’S HOUSE

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne wakes up.

Richard: (From another room) Mary Anne, wake up. There’s a fire.

(Mary Anne scoops up her cat and runs out her bedroom door and down the stairs.)

Sharon: I’ll grab the pictures and the books.

Mary Anne: I’ve got my journals and keepsakes.

Richard: I’ll grab our wallets and all our important papers.

Sharon: Run, everyone. Run.

(They exit the house and start running down the road.)

Scene 2

A country road. Mary Anne and her family are running down the road when they see a wagon approaching.

Sharon: Oh, sir, please, could we stay with you for the night?

Farmer: Sure. What happened?

Richard: Our house caught fire. It would only be temporary, till we could find another place to stay.

Farmer: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Climb aboard the happy haywagon. Let’s partay. Hey lady, that’s a real pretty nightgown. Is that a tablecloth?

(They climb aboard the haywagon, which is piled with bales of marijuana.)

Scene 3

The farmer’s house. It is rundown and has no furniture.

Richard: I think we should go back and try to salvage what we can.

Farmer: No. I forgot to call the fire department, so the house is burned to the ground. Let’s party.

…

They sing Pretty In Pink.

…

Farmer: Feel free to use the gym.

Richard: Who’s gym. Shouldn’t I ask him before I use him for something?

…

Farmer: Hey, wanna hear my Jean Cretien impression?

…

(Richard sees a sign that says Laundry Room.)

Richard: Oh no, I’m entering Chinatown.

…

(Mary Anne, her family and the farmer are watching Attack On The Queen.)

Navigator. Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.

Officer: Shut the **** up. We know.

…

Richard: Hey, I’m finished this bottle of whisky. Where’s the recycling box?

Farmer: Recycling box? What’s that?

(They fight.)

…

Richard and the farmer oink like pigs.

…

Farmer: Yup. I prefer a vegetarian diet: steak, pork and fish.

…

Mary Anne: Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.

(Richard slugs her with his whisky bottle.)

Richard: I am my own recycling box.

(He swallows the whisky bottle whole)

Farmer: Where’s that music coming from?

Mary Anne: There is no music.

Farmer: I guess from nowhere, then. Speaking of music…

(He starts to sing Pretty In Pink in a really twangy voice.)

…

Farmer: OK, I am going to launch the space shuttle. Twenty –three … twenty-four.

Richard: Count down, stupid.

…

(The TV is off.)

Farmer: This program sucks.

(He eats the TV.)

…

(The farmer starts watching Rocky And Bullwinkle on another TV, then projects it to the others.)

…

Farmer: Life Is A Highway. How dare you.

Closing credits.

Based on “The Fire At Mary Anne’s House” by Anne M. Martin.