THE FIRE AT MARY ANNE’S HOUSE
Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne wakes up.
Richard: (From another room) Mary Anne, wake up. There’s a fire.
(Mary Anne scoops up her cat and runs out her bedroom door and down the stairs.)
Mary Anne: I’ve got my journals and keepsakes.
Richard: I’ll grab our wallets and all our important papers.
(They exit the house and start running down the road.)
A country road. Mary Anne and her family are running down the road when they see a wagon approaching.
Sharon: Oh, sir, please, could we stay with you for the night?
Farmer: Sure. What happened?
Richard: Our house caught fire. It would only be temporary, till we could find another place to stay.
Farmer: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Climb aboard the happy haywagon. Let’s partay. Hey lady, that’s a real pretty nightgown. Is that a tablecloth?
(They climb aboard the haywagon, which is piled with bales of marijuana.)
The farmer’s house. It is rundown and has no furniture.
Richard: I think we should go back and try to salvage what we can.
Farmer: No. I forgot to call the fire department, so the house is burned to the ground. Let’s party.
They sing Pretty In Pink.
Farmer: Feel free to use the gym.
Richard: Who’s gym. Shouldn’t I ask him before I use him for something?
Farmer: Hey, wanna hear my Jean Cretien impression?
(Richard sees a sign that says Laundry Room.)
Richard: Oh no, I’m entering Chinatown.
(Mary Anne, her family and the farmer are watching Attack On The Queen.)
Navigator. Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.
Officer: Shut the **** up. We know.
Richard: Hey, I’m finished this bottle of whisky. Where’s the recycling box?
Farmer: Recycling box? What’s that?
Richard and the farmer oink like pigs.
Farmer: Yup. I prefer a vegetarian diet: steak, pork and fish.
Mary Anne: Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.
(Richard slugs her with his whisky bottle.)
Richard: I am my own recycling box.
(He swallows the whisky bottle whole)
Farmer: Where’s that music coming from?
Mary Anne: There is no music.
Farmer: I guess from nowhere, then. Speaking of music…
(He starts to sing Pretty In Pink in a really twangy voice.)
Farmer: OK, I am going to launch the space shuttle. Twenty –three … twenty-four.
Richard: Count down, stupid.
(The TV is off.)
Farmer: This program sucks.
(He eats the TV.)
(The farmer starts watching Rocky And Bullwinkle on another TV, then projects it to the others.)
Farmer: Life Is
Highway. How dare you.
Based on “The Fire At Mary Anne’s House” by Anne M. Martin.