Thursday, July 6, 2017



Scene 1
The living room. Stacey is sitting on the couch with a book. Her mom enters.
Maureen: So, Stacey, did you finish the first chapter of Pride And Prejudice yet?
Stacey: No.
Maureen: Me nither. I couldn’t be bothered.
Stacey: Yeah. Besides, for a mother-daughter reading group, don’t you technically have to have more than one mother-daughter pair?
Maureen: Yeah. What are you going to do now?
Stacey: I have to go over to the Brookes, you know, that new family that just moved in down the street.
Maureen: Want me to drive you over there?
Stacey: No. I can walk.
Maureen: OK, but John Brooke is recently divorced, and let’s just say I’m ready to start dating again.
(Stacey bolts out the door, whips a bobby-pin out of her pocket, jimmies open the lock and gets in.)

Scene 2
John Brooke’s front door. Stacey knocks.
John: Hello.
Stacey: Hi, I’m Stacey McGill and this is my mom Maureen.
John: Oh. Well, why don’t you go inside and introduce yourselves to the kids while Maureen and I sit out here and talk.
Stacey: OK. (Stacey goes inside the house. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor watching TV) Hi, I’m Stacey, your baby-sitter.
Joni: Hi, I’m Joni. I’m nine.
Ewan: Hi, I’m Ewan. I’m five. Do you think Ewan’s a stupid name? Kids keep making fun of me.
Stacey: Yeah, but I don’t think they’re making fun of you because of your name. (A big smile spreads across Ewan’s face.) So, I hear your Mommy recently left your Daddy.
Joni: Yeah, she left to host a TV morning show in Atlanta. Someday she says she’s coming back for us.
Ewan: (Excitedly) Yeah, she says she’s coming back for us when elephants fly. She just sent us a tape of her morning show. Could we watch it?
Stacey: Sure.
(Stacey puts the tape in the Vcr. Mrs. Brooke appears onscreen.)
Mrs. Brooke: Welcome back. Before we get back to endless Saved By The Bell reruns, I’d like to tell you about where we are today. We are at a graduated cylinder factory. With me is Bill, the foreman. So, Bill, what is a typical day like at a graduated cylinder factory?
Bill: Well, we make the graduated cylinders, and we put the stuff in the machine, and make the graduated cylinders, and we make the graduated cylinders.

Scene 3
John’s house. Stacey and Maureen enter. Joni and Ewan are watching TV on the floor.
John: Hello. Stacey, the kids are watching TV and your mother and I will be going down to the basement if you need us.
(They go down to the basement.)
Joni: (To Stacey) I hate you.
Stacey: The feeling is mutual but why?
Joni: You’re trying to set Dad up with your mom so they’ll fall in love and get married, and I don’t want a new mom.
Stacey: Well, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
Joni: Yeah, Dad’s down in the basement now showing your mom his career.
Stacey: His career?
Joni: He has a meth lab.
Stacey: Really. Well, do you guys want to play a game or something?
Joni: Let’s play Insult Stacey.
Ewan: Yay, I love Insult Stacey.
Joni: Your hair is so ugly it looks like someone took some barbed wire and adhered it to your head.
Ewan: You’re so fat that when you go into the hospital, they have to pump fat into you instead of IV solution.
Joni: You’re so ugly you turned all the milk in our fridge sour, and the thing about that is it’s true.

Scene 4
The kitchen of Stacey’s house. John knocks on the door and then enters.
Maureen: Hello, John. How are you?
John: Pretty good. How are you?
Maureen: Oh, a lot better since you walked into the room.
John: I have that effect on people
Stacey: Well, mostly your career has that effect on people.
John: The reason I came over is I was thinking
Maureen: Well, you better stop. Once people know you can think they expect you to do it all the time. That’s why I never do it.
John: Well, then let’s use a verb you’re more used to using. I was being lazy, the kids hate you and Stacey, we’ve only known each other a few weeks, could we come over for Thanksgiving?
Maureen: Sure.

Scene 5
Stacey’s house. A whole bunch of empty and unused dishes are sitting on the kitchen counter and dining room table.
Maureen: Well, I just hope everyone appreciates all the hard work that went into preparing this.
Stacey: Yeah, finding some of those dishes was hard, and can you believe Mrs. Pike almost wouldn’t give up her serving bowl? Just because she has eight kids and a whole bunch of people coming over.
Maureen: Fortunately some of the fruits of John’s career I promised her convinced her to loan it to us.
(A knock is heard at the door. John, Joni and Ewan enter. John’s arms are loaded with boxes.)
John: We’re here, in case you didn’t notice, which with you two is very likely.
Maureen: (Insincerely) Oh, you didn’t have to bring all that food.
John: No, this isn’t food. This is booze. I know you’re terribly busy preparing dinner but help me carry the rest in anyway.

Scene 6
The living room of Stacey’s house. John and Maureen are sitting on the couch, drunk. Funkplex by The B-52s plays in the background. Joni, Ewan and Stacey are sitting on the floor.
Joni: Dad, why are you listening to this kind of music. You hate it.
John: Darn it, Joni, I was almost there. I gotta go get some of my merchandise.
(John runs out of the house.)

Scene 7
The living room of Stacey’s house. Stacey and Maureen are sitting on the couch. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor.
Maureen: Well, I don’t think I’ll be dating John for awhile.
Stacey: Why?
Maureen: Because he’s going to be in jail for a long time.
Stacey: Oh yeah?
Maureen: Yeah, he got some of his merchandise, stole a tank and drove it around town.
Stacey: I don’t think he should have stolen the tank.
Joni: I hate you. I’m going to make sure the Bsc is over for good.
Stacey: Well, it’ll give me more time for shopping.

Closing credits.

Based on “Stacey McGill…Matchmaker” by Anne M. Martin.

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