PARODY TIME-STACEY MCGILL...MATCHMAKER?

STACEY MCGILL … MATCHMAKER?

Scene 1

The living room. Stacey is sitting on the couch with a book. Her mom enters.

Maureen: So, Stacey, did you finish the first chapter of Pride And Prejudice yet?

Stacey: No.

Maureen: Me nither. I couldn’t be bothered.

Stacey: Yeah. Besides, for a mother-daughter reading group, don’t you technically have to have more than one mother-daughter pair?

Maureen: Yeah. What are you going to do now?

Stacey: I have to go over to the Brookes, you know, that new family that just moved in down the street.

Maureen: Want me to drive you over there?

Stacey: No. I can walk.

Maureen: OK, but John Brooke is recently divorced, and let’s just say I’m ready to start dating again.

(Stacey bolts out the door, whips a bobby-pin out of her pocket, jimmies open the lock and gets in.)

Scene 2

John Brooke’s front door. Stacey knocks.

John: Hello.

Stacey: Hi, I’m Stacey McGill and this is my mom Maureen.

John: Oh. Well, why don’t you go inside and introduce yourselves to the kids while Maureen and I sit out here and talk.

Stacey: OK. (Stacey goes inside the house. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor watching TV) Hi, I’m Stacey, your baby-sitter.

Joni: Hi, I’m Joni. I’m nine.

Ewan: Hi, I’m Ewan. I’m five. Do you think Ewan’s a stupid name? Kids keep making fun of me.

Stacey: Yeah, but I don’t think they’re making fun of you because of your name. (A big smile spreads across Ewan’s face.) So, I hear your Mommy recently left your Daddy.

Joni: Yeah, she left to host a TV morning show in Atlanta. Someday she says she’s coming back for us.

Ewan: (Excitedly) Yeah, she says she’s coming back for us when elephants fly. She just sent us a tape of her morning show. Could we watch it?

Stacey: Sure.

(Stacey puts the tape in the Vcr. Mrs. Brooke appears onscreen.)

Mrs. Brooke: Welcome back. Before we get back to endless Saved By The Bell reruns, I’d like to tell you about where we are today. We are at a graduated cylinder factory. With me is Bill, the foreman. So, Bill, what is a typical day like at a graduated cylinder factory?

Bill: Well, we make the graduated cylinders, and we put the stuff in the machine, and make the graduated cylinders, and we make the graduated cylinders.

Scene 3

John’s house. Stacey and Maureen enter. Joni and Ewan are watching TV on the floor.

John: Hello. Stacey, the kids are watching TV and your mother and I will be going down to the basement if you need us.

(They go down to the basement.)

Joni: (To Stacey) I hate you.

Stacey: The feeling is mutual but why?

Joni: You’re trying to set Dad up with your mom so they’ll fall in love and get married, and I don’t want a new mom.

Stacey: Well, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

Joni: Yeah, Dad’s down in the basement now showing your mom his career.

Stacey: His career?

Joni: He has a meth lab.

Stacey: Really. Well, do you guys want to play a game or something?

Joni: Let’s play Insult Stacey.

Ewan: Yay, I love Insult Stacey.

Joni: Your hair is so ugly it looks like someone took some barbed wire and adhered it to your head.

Ewan: You’re so fat that when you go into the hospital, they have to pump fat into you instead of IV solution.

Joni: You’re so ugly you turned all the milk in our fridge sour, and the thing about that is it’s true.

Scene 4

The kitchen of Stacey’s house. John knocks on the door and then enters.

Maureen: Hello, John. How are you?

John: Pretty good. How are you?

Maureen: Oh, a lot better since you walked into the room.

John: I have that effect on people

Stacey: Well, mostly your career has that effect on people.

John: The reason I came over is I was thinking

Maureen: Well, you better stop. Once people know you can think they expect you to do it all the time. That’s why I never do it.

John: Well, then let’s use a verb you’re more used to using. I was being lazy, the kids hate you and Stacey, we’ve only known each other a few weeks, could we come over for Thanksgiving?

Maureen: Sure.

Scene 5

Stacey’s house. A whole bunch of empty and unused dishes are sitting on the kitchen counter and dining room table.

Maureen: Well, I just hope everyone appreciates all the hard work that went into preparing this.

Stacey: Yeah, finding some of those dishes was hard, and can you believe Mrs. Pike almost wouldn’t give up her serving bowl? Just because she has eight kids and a whole bunch of people coming over.

Maureen: Fortunately some of the fruits of John’s career I promised her convinced her to loan it to us.

(A knock is heard at the door. John, Joni and Ewan enter. John’s arms are loaded with boxes.)

John: We’re here, in case you didn’t notice, which with you two is very likely.

Maureen: (Insincerely) Oh, you didn’t have to bring all that food.

John: No, this isn’t food. This is booze. I know you’re terribly busy preparing dinner but help me carry the rest in anyway.

Scene 6

The living room of Stacey’s house. John and Maureen are sitting on the couch, drunk. Funkplex by The B-52s plays in the background. Joni, Ewan and Stacey are sitting on the floor.

Joni: Dad, why are you listening to this kind of music. You hate it.

John: Darn it, Joni, I was almost there. I gotta go get some of my merchandise.

(John runs out of the house.)

Scene 7

The living room of Stacey’s house. Stacey and Maureen are sitting on the couch. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor.

Maureen: Well, I don’t think I’ll be dating John for awhile.

Stacey: Why?

Maureen: Because he’s going to be in jail for a long time.

Stacey: Oh yeah?

Maureen: Yeah, he got some of his merchandise, stole a tank and drove it around town.

Stacey: I don’t think he should have stolen the tank.

Joni: I hate you. I’m going to make sure the Bsc is over for good.

Stacey: Well, it’ll give me more time for shopping.

Closing credits.

Based on “Stacey McGill…Matchmaker” by Anne M. Martin.