STACEY MCGILL … MATCHMAKER?
The living room. Stacey is sitting on the couch with a book. Her mom enters.
Maureen: So, Stacey, did you finish the first chapter of Pride And Prejudice yet?
Maureen: Me nither. I couldn’t be bothered.
Stacey: Yeah. Besides, for a mother-daughter reading group, don’t you technically have to have more than one mother-daughter pair?
Maureen: Yeah. What are you going to do now?
Stacey: I have to go over to the Brookes, you know, that new family that just moved in down the street.
Maureen: Want me to drive you over there?
Stacey: No. I can walk.
Maureen: OK, but John Brooke is recently divorced, and let’s just say I’m ready to start dating again.
(Stacey bolts out the door, whips a bobby-pin out of her pocket, jimmies open the lock and gets in.)
John Brooke’s front door. Stacey knocks.
Stacey: Hi, I’m Stacey McGill and this is my mom Maureen.
John: Oh. Well, why don’t you go inside and introduce yourselves to the kids while Maureen and I sit out here and talk.
Stacey: OK. (Stacey goes inside the house. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor watching TV) Hi, I’m Stacey, your baby-sitter.
Joni: Hi, I’m Joni. I’m nine.
Ewan: Hi, I’m Ewan. I’m five. Do you think Ewan’s a stupid name? Kids keep making fun of me.
Stacey: Yeah, but I don’t think they’re making fun of you because of your name. (A big smile spreads across Ewan’s face.) So, I hear your Mommy recently left your Daddy.
Joni: Yeah, she left to host a TV morning show in
Atlanta. Someday she says
she’s coming back for us.
Ewan: (Excitedly) Yeah, she says she’s coming back for us when elephants fly. She just sent us a tape of her morning show. Could we watch it?
(Stacey puts the tape in the Vcr. Mrs. Brooke appears onscreen.)
Mrs. Brooke: Welcome back. Before we get back to endless Saved By The Bell reruns, I’d like to tell you about where we are today. We are at a graduated cylinder factory. With me is Bill, the foreman. So, Bill, what is a typical day like at a graduated cylinder factory?
Bill: Well, we make the graduated cylinders, and we put the stuff in the machine, and make the graduated cylinders, and we make the graduated cylinders.
John’s house. Stacey and Maureen enter. Joni and Ewan are watching TV on the floor.
John: Hello. Stacey, the kids are watching TV and your mother and I will be going down to the basement if you need us.
(They go down to the basement.)
Joni: (To Stacey) I hate you.
Stacey: The feeling is mutual but why?
Joni: You’re trying to set Dad up with your mom so they’ll fall in love and get married, and I don’t want a new mom.
Stacey: Well, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.
Joni: Yeah, Dad’s down in the basement now showing your mom his career.
Stacey: His career?
Joni: He has a meth lab.
Stacey: Really. Well, do you guys want to play a game or something?
Joni: Let’s play Insult Stacey.
Ewan: Yay, I love Insult Stacey.
Joni: Your hair is so ugly it looks like someone took some barbed wire and adhered it to your head.
Ewan: You’re so fat that when you go into the hospital, they have to pump fat into you instead of IV solution.
Joni: You’re so ugly you turned all the milk in our fridge sour, and the thing about that is it’s true.
The kitchen of Stacey’s house. John knocks on the door and then enters.
Maureen: Hello, John. How are you?
John: Pretty good. How are you?
Maureen: Oh, a lot better since you walked into the room.
John: I have that effect on people
Stacey: Well, mostly your career has that effect on people.
John: The reason I came over is I was thinking
Maureen: Well, you better stop. Once people know you can think they expect you to do it all the time. That’s why I never do it.
John: Well, then let’s use a verb you’re more used to using. I was being lazy, the kids hate you and Stacey, we’ve only known each other a few weeks, could we come over for Thanksgiving?
Stacey’s house. A whole bunch of empty and unused dishes are sitting on the kitchen counter and dining room table.
Maureen: Well, I just hope everyone appreciates all the hard work that went into preparing this.
Stacey: Yeah, finding some of those dishes was hard, and can you believe Mrs. Pike almost wouldn’t give up her serving bowl? Just because she has eight kids and a whole bunch of people coming over.
Maureen: Fortunately some of the fruits of John’s career I promised her convinced her to loan it to us.
(A knock is heard at the door. John, Joni and Ewan enter. John’s arms are loaded with boxes.)
John: We’re here, in case you didn’t notice, which with you two is very likely.
Maureen: (Insincerely) Oh, you didn’t have to bring all that food.
John: No, this isn’t food. This is booze. I know you’re terribly busy preparing dinner but help me carry the rest in anyway.
The living room of Stacey’s house. John and Maureen are sitting on the couch, drunk. Funkplex by The B-52s plays in the background. Joni, Ewan and Stacey are sitting on the floor.
Joni: Dad, why are you listening to this kind of music. You hate it.
John: Darn it, Joni, I was almost there. I gotta go get some of my merchandise.
(John runs out of the house.)
The living room of Stacey’s house. Stacey and Maureen are sitting on the couch. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor.
Maureen: Well, I don’t think I’ll be dating John for awhile.
Maureen: Because he’s going to be in jail for a long time.
Stacey: Oh yeah?
Maureen: Yeah, he got some of his merchandise, stole a tank and drove it around town.
Stacey: I don’t think he should have stolen the tank.
Joni: I hate you. I’m going to make sure the Bsc is over for good.
Stacey: Well, it’ll give me more time for shopping.
Based on “Stacey McGill…Matchmaker” by Anne M. Martin.