THE ALL-NEW MALLORY PIKE
Scene 1
Mallory’s room. Mallory is lying on her
bed, daydreaming. Shift to the school hallway.
Student 1: Where’s Spaz Girl?
Student 2: I heard she got pregnant and
went to a boarding school for pregnant teens.
Shift to the dinner table at home.
Claire: Where’s Mallory?
Mrs. Pike: She’s gone far away.
Margo: Why did Mal leave us?
Mr. Pike: To get away from you kids.
Shift to a classroom.
Mr. Zizmore: It’s too bad about Mallory
Pike. She had such a bright future. Then she threw it all away.
Scene 2
Riverbend Academy. Mr. Pike, Mrs. Pike and
Mallory pull into the driveway and get out of the car. Pam comes out to meet
them.
Pam: Mallory Pike! I knew you’d be here any
minute. Wonderful! Welcome to Riverbend. I’m Pam, your prefect. I’m a senior,
but I live in the sixth-grade dorm as kind of a housemother. (Gives Mallory a
quick hug) And you must be Mrs. And Mr. Pike. Come on in. Can I grab a suitcase
or something?
Mr. Pike: No thanks. I think we can manage.
Pam: In that case, why don’t I show Mallory
to the dining hall. Orientation is about to begin shortly.
Scene 3
The dining hall. Ms. Maxwell is standing at
the front of the room. Mallory and Smita are sitting at one of the tables.
Ms Maxwell: I’m Ms. Maxwell, the principal
of Riverbend. My first name is Jane, but don’t you dare call me that under any
circumstances. Why don’t you two girls introduce yourselves.
Smita: I’m Smita Narula. I am originally
from India, but my parents now reside in New York.
Ms. Maxwell: Wonderful. I’ll take a quart
of two percent and a pack of Winstons. And what about you?
Mallory: I’m Mallory Pike. I come from
Stoneybrook, Connecticut, where I’ve lived all my life.
Ms. Maxwell: I’ve been to Stoneybrook. In
the country, so they’ve got more cows than people, but near New York, so
they’ve got more money than sense.
Mallory: Hey, we kicked out the city
alderman who wanted to tear the town down and rebuild it out of popsicle sticks
and yogurt containers.
Ms. Maxwell: Whatever. Anyway, academically
Riverbend is like every other school. I’m gonna build a statue to that ad
agency that said we should put in that stuff about being an alternative school
focused on music, writing and dance. Riverbend is also collectively run, which
means all you girls have to pitch in. Your duties will include things such as
yardwork, helping in the library, or working in the faculty daycare centre. Now
at the moment, we don’t have any gardens and we don’t have any faculty members
with young children, so most of your off-school time will probably be spent
goofing off in the library. This is of course time you should be using to
study, but we can fix it so you graduate with honours no matter how poorly you
do. You’re dismissed.
Scene 4
The dorm room. Mallory is lying in bed.
Alexis De’Camp enters.
Alexis DeCamp: Who are _you?
Mallory: Mallory Pike.
Alexis: I take it you just got here
yesterday. Well, I’ve been here for a year and a half so I know the ropes.
Basically, let me put my stuff wherever I want and let me make all the
decisions and we’ll get along just fine. Understood?
Mallory: Um…
Alexis: Good.
(Smita and Sarah enter.)
Smita: Knock, knock!
Mallory: Smita? Come in.
Sarah Bernhardt: Not just Smita. Presenting
… Sarah! You already know Smee, but you
don’t know me. Sarah Bernhardt, at your service.
Mallory: Sarah Bernhardt? Are you named
after the famous actress?
Sarah: Yeah. My parents saw the name on a
movie poster at the theatre they used to sleep behind and thought it was cool.
We’re off to brunch. Join us?
Mallory: Sure.
Scene 5
Outside. Mallory, Smita and Sarah are
walking around campus.
Mallory: That brunch was awful. That toast
tasted like charcoal and that grapefruit looked like it had been sitting out
for three days.
Sarah: It was five days, actually.
Mallory: What about that delicious steak
and salad they served us for dinner last night.
Sarah: Oh, they do that to all the new
arrivals. Serve them a great meal so they won’t try to run away right off the
bat.
Smita: So, Sarah, why don’t you show us
around.
Sarah: Sure. All the buildings on campus
are named after famous women. Over here are the dorms. This is Earhart, which
the three of us are in. It’s named after Amelia Earhart because the futures of
the girls who live there tend to disappear. Over here are the other dorms:
Polosi, Clinton and Boxer. Here’s the drama building, Roseanne Bar, and here’s
the music building, Rebecca Black.
Scene 6
The Pike house. Mr. Pike, Mrs. Pike, and
all seven children are sitting in the living room.
Mr. Pike: Kids, your mother and I are tired
of you kids fighting all the time.
Mrs. Pike: That’s right. We can’t play a
board game or eat dinner or watch a video without one of you starting to talk
about who’s going to get the room Mallory slept in.
Mr. Pike: So, we’ve come up with a
solution.
Mrs. Pike: That’s right.
Mr. Pike: You children are all going to
crowd into Vanessa’s room, and we’re going to rent out the other two rooms to
homeless people for fifty cents a night.
Scene 7
The dorm room. Mallory is sitting on her
bed. Alexis enters.
Mallory: How was the movie?
Alexis: All right, I guess.
Mallory: I heard it wasn’t as good as the
first one.
Alexis: It wasn’t.
Mallory: The first one was pretty scary. I
don’t like scary movies. I like animal movies more.
Alexis: What’s with you talking so much all
of the sudden? You avoid me all week, and now you’re a regular chatterbox.
Mallory: Well, actually, I don’t really
want to talk about the movie.
Alexis: What do you want to talk about,
then?
Mallory: I want to talk about our situation
as roommates.
Alexis: Go on.
Mallory: We’re having a few problems.
Alexis: Like what?
Mallory: Well, you’ve put most of your
stuff in the room. There’s hardly any room for anything else.
Alexis: You want room for your stuff? I’ll
make room.
She grabs a pair of Mallory’s earrings and
throws them out the window.
Mallory: Alexis, those are a pair of
earrings that my best friend Jessi gave me.
(She grabs one of Alexis blouses out of the
closet and throws it on the floor.)
Alexis: That’s my favourite blouse.
(They then start throwing stuff at each
other.)
Scene 8
Pam’s room. Pam is sitting on her bed.
Mallory and Alexis are standing in front of her.
Pam: Now, what seems to be the problem?
Mallory: It’s Alexis. She’s left hardly any
space in the room for any of my stuff, she doesn’t like me hanging out with
Sarah and Smita and she read my journal.
Pam: Alexis, is this true?
Alexis: Yes, I’ll admit it, it is. I’ve
been a horrible roommate to Mallory, and to Amy and Jen, my previous roommates
last term.
Pam: You know, Mallory, if you don’t like
Riverbend, you’re always free to leave.
Mallory: But, I love it here. It’s just—
Pam: No, I insist. Pack your stuff and get
out of here.
Scene 9
The Pike house. Mallory gets out of an old
broken down truck, driven by a seedy-looking man. Mr. and Mrs. Pike are sitting
on the front steps with four dishevelled bums who are playing guitars. All six
of them are passing a jug of wine around.
Mallory: Mom, Dad, it’s awful. I’ve been
kicked out of Riverbend. I was having some troubles with my roommate, so I went
to Pam, that senior girl you met when you guys dropped me off, and she told me
to get out. Then, when I protested, she sicked the school’s Bengal tiger on me.
Mr. Pike: I’m sorry, Mal, but there’s no
room for you here anymore. Hey, before you go, though, why don’t you meet our
new friends.
Closing credits.
Based on “The All-new Mallory Pike” by Anne
M. Martin.
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