PARODY TIME-(megan) 2

2

Scene 1

The hospital ward. Megan is lying in a hospital bed. There are other women lying in beds, each separated by curtains. A nurse enters, pushing a cart with two bundles on it.

Nurse: Morning. Here come the babies! Baby Boyle and baby Warrell.

Megan: Baby Warrell’s mine.

Nurse: (Turns to the woman in the bed next to Megan) And this must be your baby then, Mrs. Boyle.

(She hands Mrs. Boyle a bundle.)

Mrs. Boyle: Actually, this is a cantilope.

Nurse: Oh darn. (Turning to Megan) Breast or bottle-feeding? (Megan doesn’t answer) Breast or bottle-feeding?

Megan: Bottle. I’m on a low income and it’ll be more expensive that way.

Nurse: Well, we always like to see the poor suffer unnecessarily. Aren’t you getting him up?

Megan: He looks so peaceful.

Nurse: He wasn’t peaceful in the night. Little monkey! He kept screeching and screeching to be fed. But, as Winnie Churchill said, “Never give in.”

(Megan tries to sit up but winces) Mind your stitches. All the surgeons are busy and fixing you up again would really be a bother. Besides, NHS doesn’t cover that sort of thing. I’ll get him up for you, shall I? (She lifts the baby and places him in Megan’s arms) Look at you! Anyone would think you’d never held a baby before.

Megan: I’m part Scottish. We don’t believe in tactile stimulation of any kind.

Nurse: It’s okay. We all have to learn. I’ll be back to show you how to feed him whenever I feel like it.

Mrs. Boyle: Nurse, my cantilope…

(The nurse exits.)

Scene 2

The hospital ward. The nurse enters. Mrs. Boyle is cuddling her cantilope. The nurse walks over to Megan’s bed where Megan is examining her baby’s toes. Megan begins to wrap him up again.

Nurse: That’s okay. That’s what you’re supposed to do. He’s your baby. You must play with him and talk to him and love him as much as you can. Alternatively, you could just sit him in front of the TV in his car seat.

Megan: That sounds like a plan.

Nurse: I brought your lunch. It’s today’s special, cold spaghetti in a plastic bag. Enjoy.

Megan: Wait, aren’t you going to show me how to give a bottle and get a baby’s wind up and that sort of thing?

Nurse: No. (Megan starts crying) That’s okay, too.

(She hands Megan the bag and exits.)

Scene 3

The hospital ward. Debs, a different nurse from the previous nurse enters. Mrs. Boyle is eating her cantilope. Debs walks over to Megan’s bed.

Debs: And how are we doing?

Megan: Good. I’ve been thinking really hard about a name, but I just can’t seem to think of one. I’d only just made up my mind to keep the baby when I’d had him.

Debs: Hardly any unmarried girls give their babies up now. The girls’ parents nearly always allow the girls to bring their babies home. I’m sure you’re mum will be okay.

Megan: Doubt it. You don’t know what she’s like. She’s one of those women who’re always worried about what the neighbours will say.

Debs: Oh, she shouldn’t worry about that. Once the neighbours see how ugly your baby is, they’ll close their drapes.

(Megan starts crying.)

Scene 4

The hospital ward. Luke enters, carrying a bunch of flowers in a basket shaped like a cradle.

Luke: These are for you, Megan, unless she’s left already and been replaced with an exact double with a baby that looks sorta like me.

Megan: (Laughs) No, honey, it’s me. Here, why don’t you hold him. (Megan picks the baby up and hands him to Luke. Luke holds him awkwardly.) So how did your parents take the news?

Luke: They read me the riot act when they found out-when you and your mum came round that time. Afterwords I asked what does an act governing rules for public demonstrations got to do with me getting a girl pregnant. Anyway, I was thinking, why don’t you and me get a flat together and raise the baby together. We can get married later or somthin.

Megan: Oh Luke!

Dream sequence…

She and Luke are in a perfectly appointed apartment with Eikea furniture.

Luke: Darling, did you put the baby to bed?

Megan: No, honey. In fact, I can’t remember when I last saw him.

Luke: That’s all right. Everything will work out because we’ve got a lovely-looking house.

Anncr: This week at Eikea, save on bedroom and living room sets. Half off the regular price.

End dream sequence

Megan: But how will we afford it.

Luke: Don’t worry, babe. I got connections. There’s drugs, extortion, gambling, any number of careers that will allow us to live comfortably in wedded bliss.

Megan: Oh, I love you!

(She gives him a big kiss.)

Scene 5

The hospital ward. Josie and Claire enter.

Claire: That baby is so ugly it looks like Hans Moleman.

Josie: Now, Claire, that’s not true. I’d say he looks more like Moe Syzelack.

Megan: Have you two come to bring me a present or look at the baby or are you just here to torment me?

Claire: Here to torment you, obviously.

Megan: I thought you were my best friends. At any rate, I thought you were my best friend, Claire. I never cared for Josie at all, actually.

Josie: So I recall.

Claire: Look, Megan, I’m sorry. I didn’t come all the way here just to be mean to you.

Megan: Oh Claire, I knew—

Claire: I came to tell you Luke’s been seen going round with every girl in town.

Megan: What!

Claire: It’s true.

Megan: Well, I’ll expect he’ll change that once we get married.

Claire: You are. Oooooh.

Megan: What is with you, Claire. When I was pregnant you said when the baby came you’d be there with me every step of the way. You said you’d be like the baby’s second mother.

Claire: Yeah, but that was when you were pregnant. I was thinking of the baby in an, I don’t know, abstract kind of way. Now that it’s actually arrived… Megan, could you make your baby abstract, please?

Scene 6

The hospital ward. Mrs. Warrell Is standing beside Megan’s bed.

Megan: You are being such a hypocrite.

Mrs. Warrell: How am I being a hypocrite? I didn’t get pregnant at fifteen.

Megan: I don’t know. That’s just what daughters always say to their mothers when their having an argument.

Mrs. Warrell: Look, I don’t want to get you upset, love, but it’s really not on. It’s a terrible idea. Even the best, most suitable marriages are downright difficult, and as for this: two bits of kids bringing up a baby with no money and no prospects! Well, you stand no chance at all.

Megan: The impossible can happen, you know. Look at Royal Rumble 99 when Stonecold got really beat up, and then at the end he returned driving the ambulance.

Mrs. Warrell: Honey, professional wrestling isn’t real.

(Megan begins to cry harder.)

Scene 7

The hospital gift shop. Izzy, her runny-nosed toddler in tow, comes up to Megan. Izzy is pregnant.

Izzy: Cor, by jum, it’s Megan Warrell. How are you?

Megan: Izzy, hi. Hi Delpheen.

(The toddler runs away in fright.)

Izzy: So, what did you have?

Megan: A boy. He’s upstairs.

Izzy: Whatcha gonna call ‘im?

Megan: I don’t know.

Izzy: Oh. So, what do you plan to do with yourself now that it’s here?

Megan: I don’t know. What do you do with yourself all day?

Izzy: What’s there to do except watch telly and neglect her all day. So, your fella scarpered yet?

Megan: No.

Izzy: They will sooner or later. My last one ran off the second I told him I was pregnant.

Megan: Do you … have you been out with anyone since?

Izzy: You’re joking, aren’t you? With one here and one on the way?

Megan: That never stopped you before.

Izzy: Good point. (She looks over at the counter where Delpheen is being fed buns by one of the cashiers) Delpheen! (She runs over to the counter) I hope she wasn’t too much trouble.

Cashier: Not a bit.

Megan: I think it’s wonderful this hospital feeds hungry children.

Cashier: Oh, it’s no bother, really. These are the buns the drug companies use to inject drugs in for experimentation, then send them back to us.

Scene 8

The hospital ward. Megan enters. There is a very posh-looking young woman in the bed next to Megan’s.

Girl: Are you visiting a friend?

Megan: No, just returning to my baby.

Girl: How old are you?

Megan: Nearly sixteen.

Girl: Didn’t you have lessons about contraception at school?

Megan: I must have been off that day.

Girl: I would say you were. (Shrugs) I keep telling the members of my eugenics society we should have the poor sterilized.

(Megan’s mother enters.)

Megan: Oh, Mother, I have good news. I’ve decided on what I’m going to call the baby.

Mrs. Warrell: What, dear?

Megan: It came to me just as I was riding in the elevator up from the gift shop. I’m going to call him Jack.

Mrs. Warrell: After your father?

Megan: Yes. I know he left us, but I feel we should still honour him in some way.

Mrs. Warrell: Well, it’s nice to know he’s already got one strike against him.

Scene 9

Mothercare. Megan and her mother are walking around the store. Megan is balancing Jack in the crook of her arm. She is holding a pair of girls shorts and a girl’s top.

Mrs. Warrell: Megan, hold that baby more carefully. You’re going to drop him. And why are you buying those clothes? Those are for a girl.

Megan: I’m thinking ahead to the possibility that Jack might turn into a girl some day.

(Jack begins to cry. Megan sticks her little finger in his mouth.)

Mrs. Warrell: Are your hands clean?

Megan: Yes, they are.

(Megan walks away from her mother. An older woman comes up to her.)

Older Woman: Give him a cigarillo, dear. That’s the safer way to smoke.

(Megan grabs a stroller off one of the shelves and brings it to the cash register where her mother is waiting.)

Mrs. Warrell: It’s a false economy. That is a quality pram.

Scene 10

The apartment. Jack is crying. Ellie, Megan and Mrs. Warrell are standing there confused.

Mrs. Warrell: We’ve tried everything. We’ve fed him, undressed him, put more clothes on him, and we’ve tried tiring him out.

Ellie: We sure have tried tiring him out. At first I didn’t even think he’d fit on the exercise bicycle.

Mrs. Warrell: I just don’t know what’s wrong.

Megan: Maybe I should try giving him a bath.

Mrs. Warrell: Good idea. (The phone rings) I’ll get it.

Mrs. Warrell: Sure, shove all the responsibilities on to me already, eh Megan?

Megan: Yes, I made the phone ring the second after I said I’d bathe Jack. I have that power. (She picks up the phone) Hello.

Claire: (Drunk) Hey, it’s your old buddy Aloysius McFadden.

Megan: Claire?

Claire: Yes it’s Claire.

Josie: (Also drunk) And Josie.

Claire: And Claire.

Josie: We’ve been having our little drinky … drinky … winkies.

Megan: What do you two want?

Josie: I want a big piece of meat loaf with mashed and corn with that as well as a bit of rhubarb custard and I want brown gravy on everything.

Claire: We got the results of our A levels today.

Megan: And?

Claire: We failed everything.

Claire and Josie: Wooooo hooooo.

Scene 11

The bathroom. Megan is in the bathtub.

Dream sequence …

Megan and Claire are at the movies. Megan turns to a boy sitting behind her.

Megan: That was a great movie, wasn’t it?

Boy: Oh, brilliant.

Megan: He’s one of my favourite actors.

Boy: Mine, too. Listen, you busy later?

Shift to Megan and the boy in a house with a crying baby.

Dream sequence …

Megan and Claire are on an interrail train, traveling through Europe. Megan turns to a boy sitting across the aisle.

Megan: Hello there.

Jacques: Salut. My name is Jacques.

Megan: My name is Megan. I’m really enjoying your lovely country.

Jacques: Merci. Listen, where are you staying tonight?

Shift to Jacques and Megan in a house with a crying baby. Striking nanny’s have set up picket lines outside their door.

Dream sequence …

Glastonbury.

Anncr: And that was another flash in the pan pop star who was way to expensive for the quality of their music and the amount of time their fame will last. We’ll have a short break then back to more music.

Movie Mogul: Hi, I’m a famous movie producer. I think you’d be just perfect for my next film.

Megan: Your kidding right?

Movie Mogul: No, I’m not.

Shift to Megan alone in a huge mansion with the baby and her divorce lawyer.

Divorce Lawyer: Now, you’ve had a lot of work done on the house so I think you should ask for at least ten thousand more than you’ve stated here.

Megan: Cool, could you help me feed him his cereal, please?

Scene 12

The apartment. Claire and Josie knock at the door. Ellie answers the door.

Ellie: Hi Claire. Hi whoever you are. Megan will be down in just a minute.

(Claire and Josie enter. Megan comes into the front hall.)

Claire: Are you ready for some excitement?

Megan: Sure am. Cascades here we come.

Josie: You’re leaking.

(Megan looks down at her shirt.)

Megan: Oh my gosh, what is this white stuff all over my blouse?

Claire: It’s breast milk.

Megan: Well how is a person supposed to prevent this sort of thing from happening?

Claire: By breastfeeding.

Megan: That’s just bloody stupid.

Scene 13

Cascades. Megan, Claire and Josie are dancing together.

Josie: I’m just not sure what it is I love most about this place. I wonder, is it the excellent deejay, the wonderful atmosphere, all the cute blokes?

Claire: Could it possibly be the fact the bar doesn’t check for IDs?

Josie: Oh yes, that’s it.

Megan: Look, a guy’s checking me out.

Josie: A guy check you out. This I have to see.

(Mark comes over to Megan.)

Mark: Hello there, I’m Mark.

Megan: My name’s Megan.

Josie: She just had a baby.

Mark: That’s no problem.

Megan: You mean the fact that I’m a teenager with a baby doesn’t put you off me?

Mark: No. Sure, I can barely keep it together to handle the few responsibilities I’ve got now, having a totally helpless being to look after shouldn’t be too much of a hardship.

Megan: Oh, that’s so wonderful.

Mark: Yeah, right. See you round.

(He walks away quickly.)

Scene 14

The apartment. Susie enters.

Susie: Hi there. How are we doing today?

Megan: All right. How are you?

Susie: I’m fine. So, how’ve things been going?

Megan: Okay, I guess.

Susie: So, what do you do specifically, in the way of parenting, I mean?

Megan: How d’you mean?

Susie: Well, for instance, what kind of nappies do you use?

Megan: Disposables.

Susie: Good. You don’t have a lot of money, so you’re right to have to keep buying something that’s really expensive over and over again as opposed to spending some of the money your father sent you on something that’ll last your baby till he’s trained and can be used in the future if you decide to have any more children.

Megan: Oh, and I let Jack cry, also.

Susie: Oh good. These are the formative months when he’s forming the basis of relationships, so letting him cry and showing that his mother won’t be there for him will give him a healthy start in life.

Megan: One thing, though.

Susie: What?

Megan: It’s just that, well, there aren’t a lot of mothers in my, uh, situation around here that I can talk to and relate to. Have you any suggestions?

Susie: How the ‘eck should I know what you should do. Why don’t you go visit that girl at your school that got pregnant or something.

Megan: You mean Izzy?

Susie: Whatever. Well, I must be on my way.

(She exits.)

Scene 15

The hallway outside Izzy’s apartment. Megan stands in front of the door, holding Jack. She knocks. Izzy answers.

Izzy: Oh, it’s you. Well, come in if you’re coming in.

(Megan enters the apartment. There is a man sitting on the floor. The place is a dump.)

Megan: Who’s that?

Izzy: That’s Armand, me new man, he is. Works as a philosopher. Says he’ll make a bloody livin at it someday. Believe it when I see it.

(Someone knocks at the door. Izzy answers. A man stands there holding an envelope.)

Man: Does Armand Dahurian live here?

Izzy: Yeah, who wants to know?

Man: Oh, nobody special. Just tell him I appreciate the work he does, and please accept this large sum of money as a token of my appreciation.

(Izzy takes the envelope and closes the door abruptly.)

Izzy: Cor.

Scene 16

The street. Megan is walking along the street, away from Izzy’s apartment. Mark appears and walks toward her.

Mark: Hey, aren’t you that girl I met at Cascades the other night? Sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.

Megan: My name’s Megan.

Mark: Nice seeing you again. Where are you off too this fine day?

Megan: Oh, just going home after visiting a friend. What about you?

Mark: Oh, got to go to a flower show.

Megan: Flower show?

Mark: Yeah, I work for the newspaper. I cover flower shows and library board meetings and awards for local dignitaries and … anything else they want me to cover.

Megan: Oh, that’s, uh, great. Well, I guess I’ll see you around.

Mark: See you round.

Scene 17

The apartment. Megan is in her room, alone with Jack. Jack won’t stop crying.

Megan: I’ve tried everything. Bathing, feeding, dressing, undressing, walking around, every toy you’ve got, and you still keep crying, you bloody baby. You’re driving me batty.

(She picks Jack up and shakes him. Child Services enters.)

Child Service Agent 1: Miss Warrell, we’re here to take you’re child away.

Megan: Noooo.

Child Services Agent 2: He’ll be removed from you’re custody and placed in a home that might possibly perhaps be slightly marginally safer than this one.

(Child Services exits with Jack. Megan runs to the phone.)

Megan: Mark, it’s Megan. They’ve taken Jack away. He wouldn’t stop crying and I shook him and they came and took him away.

Mark: Hold on. I’ll be right with you.

Megan: Oh, I really appreciate this Mark. I could really use a listening ear right now, you know.

Mark: Oh, I’ll do better than be a listening ear. Just you wait and see.

Scene 19

Outside the Child Services offices. Megan and Mark stand in front of the doors. Behind them is an army of mercenaries, equipped with high-powered automatic weapons.

Mark: Let’s go in.

Megan: Oh honey. (Gives him a peck on the cheek. They storm the front doors of the office. They are met by Child Services, who also have an army of well-equipped mercenaries. The two armies fight. Eventually, Megan and Mark manage to get to where the babies are kept.) Oh Jack, I’m so sorry. I’ll never shake you again, and I’ll love and care for you better than any mother ever.

Child Services Agent 3: That’s nice. Unfortunately, you’re kid’s retarded now.

(Megan and Mark exit the building hand in hand.)

Mark: You know, I’m really glad we did this. You see, my mother gave me up for adoption and it was so horrible. I would much rather have been raised by a struggling single teenage mother than by my loving adoptive family.

(They hug. Jack falls out of Megan’s arms and lands on the floor on his back.)

Scene 20

The future. Megan and Mark, horribly mutated, are walking around a pond of nuclear waste. Jack, severely retarded and also horribly mutated, walks behind them.

Mark: Oh, sweetheart, I love you.

Megan: Oh, honey, I love you, too. We have the life I’d always wanted.

Images of them walking around the pond over the closing credits.

Based on”(megan) 2” by Mary Hooper.