PARODY TIME-IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD

                                                                            It’s Not The End Of The World

 

Scene 1

The kitchen. Death metal plays. Karen’s father enters. Ellie, Karen and Jeff are eating dinner.

Bill: Hello, Karen. Hello Jeff. Hello, ball and chain. Couldn’t you have waited? You knew I was coming home for dinner.

Ellie: No.

(Amy enters)

Amy: Hi Daddy.

Bill: Hi Amy.

Amy: Want to hear a joke?

Bill: Sure.

Amy: This farmer sees a guy giving plane rides, eh. The rides cost ten bucks, but the farmer’s never been in a plane before so he remarks to the pilot that the price is steep. The pilot says, “If you can last the whole ride without saying anything, then the ride’s free.” So they go up and the pilot does all sorts of dips and the farmer doesn’t say a word. When they get back on the ground, the pilot says, “Wow, you didn’t say a thing.” The farmer replies, “Yeah, but I nearly yelled when my wife fell out back there.”

Bill: (Feigns laughter) Good joke. Now sit down and drink your milk.

(Amy sits down at the table. The table shakes and the glass of milk spills. Ellie immediately gets an enraged look on her face.)

Amy: Don’t be mad. It was just an accident.

Ellie: Who’s **** **** **** mad?! (Amy’s mother cleans up the milk) I baked a lovely cake for dessert tonight.

(She brings out the cake)

Bill: Is that rat poison? You know how I hate rat poison. I’ll scrape it off.

Ellie: Don’t do me any favours.

(She throws the cake into a cage with a rat in it. The rat dies)

Bill: (Getting up from the table) I’m going to a cheap motel which somehow manages to simultaneously pay tribute to “Fawlty Towers.”

 

Scene 2

The kitchen. Karen is making pancakes shaped like Craig Kilborn.

Amy: Back in the old days, a couple of newly weds are going on their honeymoon on a horse and buggy. After a while, the horse stops in the middle of the road for no reason and refuses to move. The groom gets down from the buggy, whispers in the horse’s ear, “That’s once,” and gets back up on the buggy. After a while, the horse stops in the middle of the road and refuses to move again. The groom gets off the buggy, whispers in the horse’s ear, “That’s twice” and then shoots the horse. He then gets back on the buggy. The bride says, “Honey, why did you just shoot the horse?” The groom turns to the bride and says, “That’s once.” (Ellie enters) Where’s Daddy?

Ellie: I don’t want to talk about it.

 

Scene 3

Karen’s room. Karen is sitting at her desk, which is part of an old air hockey table. Amy bursts in.

Amy: I think I know where Daddy is.

Karen: Where?

Amy: I think he’s at the Daytona 500, and when he comes back he’s going to bring back one of those foam fingers.

Karen: Maybe.

 

Scene 4

The diner, which is reminiscent of Mel’s Diner from the eighties TV show “Alice.” The family sans Bill is sitting at a table with Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dan. The waitress, reminiscent of the above-mentioned title character, comes over.

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

Ellie: Yes. My children and I will have the hamburger.

Waitress: Good choice. (Looks at Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dan) And for you?

Aunt Ruth: My husband and I will have something utterly and completely different: the cheeseburger.

Waitress: Good choice.

(She walks away singing” I love you Superman. I love you Superman.”

Ellie: I have something to tell you. I wanted to tell you before, but I just couldn’t. It isn’t easy for me to say this and it won’t be easy for you to understand ….

(Karen drops her fork on the floor)

Uncle Dan: Five second rule.

Jeff: (Very seriously) Go ahead … tell us what you were going to say, Mommy.

Ellie: Your pathetic excuse for a father and I are separating.

Amy: Okay, but let it be on your head.

Jeff: Is he coming back? Or are you getting a divorce?

Ellie: Hopefully. I hope we don’t resolve things. Then… ah Martinique. You kids could end up getting left on more doorsteps than The New York Times.

(Karen gets up and runs out of the restaurant. A while later, everyone else comes outside, too.)

Ellie: Here, Karen. Have a rye cone.

(She hands her an ice cream cone with a frozen blob of rye whisky on top.)

 

Scene 5

The dining room of the cheap motel. Bill, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting at a table.

Jeff: Are you getting a divorce?

Bill: Yes.

Karen: I thought you were just thinking about it. I thought it wasn’t definite yet.

Bill: You’re mother and I just don’t get along. We can’t go on living together. It’s making a mess of our lives.

Karen: So, in order to make things better for yourselves, you decided to make a mess of ours.

Bill: You’ll live with your mother for now.

Karen: But for how long?

Bill: Karen … you’re asking me questions I can’t answer. We haven’t worked out any of the details yet. You don’t get divorced overnight.

Jeff: How long does it take?

Bill: Two days.

Amy: Daddy … please come home

Bill: (Picks her up. Takes off his glasses.) No bloody way. Return home to that selfish, crabby … (Tickling her under the chin) no way.

 

Scene 6

Mrs. Singer’s classroom.  Karen and Debbie are getting their coats.

Mrs. Singer: Goodbye, yesterday. Goodbye yesterday.

Debbie: I heard about your parents … and I’m sorry.

Karen: Heard what?

Debbie: You know?

Karen: Know what?

Debbie: Oh, come on, Karen. That your parents are getting a divorce.

Karen: Who told you?

Debbie: Your aunt met my mother in Earth Apple Supermarket and she told her.

Karen: My mom blabbed something like that to an acquaintance she met in the grocery store?!

Debbie: Yeah, I guess. According to Mom your mother’s more excited about this divorce than a little kid waiting for Christmas.

 

Scene 7

Bill’s bachelor apartment. Bill is showing Jeff, Karen and Amy around. Montmorency enters.

Bill: That’s my roommate, Montmorency.

Montmorency: (Screams) Ahhhhh, light Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bill: Karen, there’s a girl about your age living in  apartment 12B. I told her you’d be over on Sunday. Why don’t you go down and see her.

Karen: OK.

(She makes her way downstairs and knocks on the apartment door.)

Val: You must be Karen Newman. I’m Val Lewis. My mother is dating this really rich guy named Montmorency. I believe he’s you’re father’s roommate.

 

Scene 8

The kitchen. Ellie, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting around the kitchen table having Christmas dinner.

Ellie: I’m going back to school.

Jeff: Really. Why?

Ellie: Because I only had one year of college before I got married. I never really had a chance to find out what I might be able to do, thanks to your jerk of a father tying me down.

Karen: What do you think you might take?

Ellie: I don’t know. I was thinking something along the lines of The Role of Zombies and Vampires in World Literature or The Feminist Perspective on Traffic Laws, but then I started thinking I should maybe take something even more useful such as The Science Behind Action Movies or maybe even learn a foreign language like Elvish or Clingon.

 

Scene 9

The kitchen. Ellie, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting around the table having dinner.

Amy: Weney, my friend in school, has a Talking Howard Dean Doll. She brought it in for Show And Tell. I want one too. The kind with the cool hair.

Ellie: Maybe for your birthday.

Amy: My birthday’s not until the end of June.

Ellie: Well, that’s not so far away.

Amy: Oh, please, Mommy! I can’t wait until my birthday!

Ellie: I’m sorry, Amy. But you’ll have to.

Amy: Why?

Karen: You know Mom doesn’t have a lot of money to throw around. Stop being so selfish.

Amy: I bet you Daddy would get it for me.

Ellie: That’s enough, Amy!

Amy: _I _hate _you. You made Daddy go away just so you could be mean to me!

Ellie: (Reaching across the table and smacking Amy in time to her words) No. I. Did. Not. Now go up to your room and stay there for the rest of eternity, you ungrateful brat who’ll never amount to anything. (Amy leaves the room shrieking and crying) That felt so good. I would have never been able to get away with that if your father were still living with us. Now finish your breakfast and head off to school or else. (Giving a little cackle.).

 

Scene 10

Mrs. Singer’s class. Mrs. Singer is sing “It’ll Be OK” by Limp Bizkit.

Mrs. Singer: I got a letter from Gary Owens: (Reads) Dear Mrs. Singer and Class 6-108, Texas is fun. We got a dog. His name is Al, as in the Bundy. I am looking forward to growing up to become the announcer on “Laugh-in” and am also looking forward to my voiceover gig on “Bobby’s World.”

 

Scene 11

Two firebombs appear on screen, one headed toward Ellie’s house, the other toward Bill’s apartment complex. Caption: How dare you mail me an anniversary card, you jackass.

 

Scene 12

Val’s apartment. Karen enters. Montmorency is in the apartment, making llama noises.

Val: Montmorency, this is my friend, Karen. Her Dad lives upstairs. He’s getting a divorce.

Montmorency: Howboutwawontwontzazazaza. (he exits, saying “Niminiminiminiminiminiminiminimi”)

 

Scene 13

The living room. Ellie and Bill are sitting on the couch.

Ellie: Did you ever stop to think that maybe its  your fault we’re getting divorced. You’re not exactly a perfect husband.

Bill: Shut up! You want everybody to hear us.

Aunt Ruth: (From next room) We can already hear you, you stupid nits.

Bill: I’m warning you.

Ellie: You lay a hand on me and I’ll lay the smack down.

Bill: You wanna go?

Ellie: Yeah. Right now time.

(They wrestle.))

 

Scene 14

Petey Mansfield’s house Petey answers the door

Karen: Could I talk to you about something?? (Petey nodds) Do you know where Jeff is?

Petey: No. (He goes back inside.)

 

Scene 15

The kitchen. Ellie, Amy and Karen are sitting in the kitchen. Jeff enters.

Jeff: Hi, Mom. Hi Karen. Hi Amy. I was at the Masters. Here, Karen and Amy, I brought  each of you back a cup. Also, while hitchhiking home, I joined a cult.

Ellie: What?!

Jeff: I joined because, when I thought about it, Zazazaza truly has the answer, plus their compound makes _really good French fries. I mean you wouldn’t believe how… Anyway, I just came to give you guys your cups and to tell you that I’ll be living with the cult till ten thousand years after the end of time. Oh, and by the way, anyone who doesn’t worship Zazazaza should, and will, be killed.

(He kisses Amy goodbye.)

Ellie: (beginning to cry) Oh, first your father and I get a divorce, now my first-born baby has left the nest. Why does the universe always manage to make it all about me? Well, girls, I’m selling the house and moving to Martinique. Good luck fending for yourselves.

Amy: Hey, Karen, how do you get five hundred Natives in a phone booth? Tell them they own the land.

 

Steel drum music plays over the closing credits.

 

Based on “It’s Not the End of the World” by Judy Blume.