Friday, June 29, 2012


Warning: The following is juvinile. I first came up with the genus of it when I was thirteen.

One day, a man heard a knock at his door.

"Good day, sir," the official-looking man on the other side of the door said, "I'm from Lord Soetoro's healthcare czar. I'd like to ask you a few questions about your health."

"Sure," the man responded, "come on in."

The man seated the government official in his favourite chair and took a seat on the worn couch.

"Now," the official said, "according to Canada's Food Guide, which we are using for our guidelines as well, you need five to thirteen servings of grain products a day. How many servings of grain products do you currently consume?"

"Well," the man said thoughtfully, "I drink a twelve pack of Molson Bohemian a day and a whole bunch more if I've managed to sneak into a tour of a microbrewery."

"Good for you. Now, according to this same food guide, you need six to thirteen servings of fruit a day."

"How much would a serving be?" the man interrupted.

"Oh, not very much, I should think," the official replied.

"Like a glass?"


"Well, I think I drink about thirteen glasses of wine a day, around three bottles," the man said, "but if you think I'm going to drink thirteen bottles of wine a day you're out of your bucking mind."

"I should say you get the recommended amount, sir. Now, how many servings of milk products do you have a day. You need three to six, you know."

"Oh, I eat six bars of cheese a day," the man replied.

"I think that's a serving. I wish I hadn't kept dozing off in the briefing sessions. Stupid bucker only wants to talk about his bucking basketball scores. ... Oh, where was I? Yes, how much meat do you consume a day. You need two to four servings of that."

"Oh, I eat four packages of bacon," was the man's proud response to this last question, "even cook it sometimes."

"Well," the official said, a huge smile coming over his face, "I would say you are very healthy. First one today."

"Wanna do Jell-o shots to celebrate?" the man asked.

"Sure," the official replied.

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