PARODY TIME-HERE'S TO YOU, RACHEL ROBINSON

HERE’S TO YOU, RACHEL ROBINSON

 

Scene 1

Miss Lefferts’s class.

Ms. Leferts: The three things you need to make a biography come alive are drug addiction, domestic abuse and extramarital affairs. So now that we’ve come to the end of our unit on biographies, I have an assignment for you. (Walks across the room) I want you to write a biography of Ben Shapiro, not an _autobiography, but a biography. Who can explain the difference? (Puts cigar between her teeth Max Wilson raises his hand.) Yes, Max.

Max: Autobiographies are written in cars.

Ms. Lefferts: Precisely. (A knock is heard at the door) Oh, the substitute French teacher has arrived. Come in.

(The French teacher enters)

Mr. Hufman: Hi, I’m Mr. Hufman. You know what, I’m gonna be totally honest with you, I don’t know one word of French so you can have this period as a study hour. That’s the life of a substitute teacher, he’s a fraud. He pretends to know stuff but doesn’t have a clue.

(Mr. Hufman exits.)

 

Scene 2

The house. Jessica is in a car with her friends, ready to go to her junior prom.

Hlin: Drive carefully!

Jessica: We always do.

(They speed away from the house)

 

Scene 3

The beach.

Allison: Tell me more about Charles.

Rachel: Well, he’s violent and always threatening people.

Steph: And he has a great sense of humour, that is, when he wants to. And he’s extremely cute.

Allison: Really? I didn’t know he was cute. If Charles comes home from boarding school, will he finish ninth grade at Fox? Maybe he’ll be in Jeremy Dragon’s class.

Steph: Oh, that’d be perfect.

 

Scene 4

The kitchen. The family is having dinner. Charles is wearing a t-shirt that says, “I don’t need your t-shirt … I have my own.”

Charles: So I think I’ll drop out for a while … maybe get a job or something.

Victor: That’s not an option.

Rachel: You have to be sixteen don’t you! And your birthday’s not until November.

Victor: Besides, you have no practical skills whatsoever.

Charles: Aha … the child prodigy speaks.

Nell: (Quietly) Its just a matter of finding the right school.

Charles: There is no right school for me! Don’t you get it by now? I’m allergic to school!

Jess: Excuse me, I’ve got to pick up my prom pictures before the drugstore closes.

Rachel: Excuse me, too, I have a ton of homework.

Charles: Those daughters of yours need to be taught some manners. They shouldn’t be allowed to leave the table when the rest of us are still eating. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it has something to do with me. I’d think they’re not really as glad to see me as they pretend.

Nell: They might be if it wasn’t for your attitude.

Charles: Attitude? If we’re talking attitude here—

Nell: Just stop it, Charles!

Victor: Nell … let it go.

Charles: Right. Let it go, Mom. We don’t want to upset Dad, do we?

Denis Miller enters.

Dennis Miller: Now, as much as I like to watch you go about this like the Three Stooges trying to fix a leaky tap, I feel I should interject here. Folks, Charles obviously has a lot of problems, and if you (to Jessica) wouldn’t be an older Lisa Simpson and correct Charles all the time, and if all of you wouldn’t be so sensitive, I think the Robinson household would be a fairly pleasant place.

(Dennis Miller exits.)

 

Scene 5

Mr. Taliban’s office. Rachel knocks on the door. A ticking sound is heard.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Robinson. You wanted to see me.

Mr. Taliban: Yes, you infidel dog, come in. Sit down. Be quick. I only have a minute. I’m going to martyr myself for … I have to go to lunch. (Pours some camels milk into a Taliban coffee mug.) Drink some. (He pours a second glass. Rachel drinks some and chokes.) No choking.

(He blows up.)

Rachel: Jeez, he could have at least counted my bananas.

 

Scene 6

Ms. Lefferts’s class. Rachel comes up to Ms. Lefferts’s desk.

Rachel: I really enjoyed that play you took us to on our field trip last week.

Ms. Lefferts: Rachel, I had no idea you were so interested in the theatre. I know someone who runs a direct-to-video film company.

Rachel: Well …

Ms. Lefferts: I know you’re busy, but I think making films for this company could be a very profitable experience. They’re making films about the Wolfman, and a film biography of Elizabeth Abbott, a slumlord from Calgary, Canada.

Rachel: I’ll—

Ms. Lefferts: That’s all I’m asking. That you give it your serious consideration. Because they really need people like you … that’ll work to scale.

Rachel: It sounds—

Ms. Lefferts: Oh … and I forgot to mention their cafeteria serves camel’s milk.

Rachel: Oooohhh, I don’t think I’ve ever had camel’s milk. Does it come in a cup or a glass.

Ms. Lefferts: I don’t know. Do you have a preference?

Rachel: Yes, I prefer cups.

Ms. Lefferts: Well … I’ll keep your preference in mind. They’d probably want you for a remake of “Creature From Dope Island” and a story of the life of Dana Plato.

Rachel: Dana Plato is my favourite.

Ms. Lefferts: (Putting hand on her own shoulder and squeezing lightly) Mine too, Rachel. Mine too.

 

Scene 6

The dentist’s office. Rachel is sitting in the chair. The dentist is reminiscent of Bobby Bittman from “SCTV.”

Dentist: So, Rachel, some ants and some elephants are playing football. An elephant runs toward the end zone. An ant has the ball. The elephant steps on the ant and squashes him. The captain of the ant’s team is very angry. “I was only trying to trip him,” the elephant says. Hmmm … are you wearing your retainer?

Rachel: I lost it.

Dentist: Well, you’re clenching your jaw again.

Rachel: I am.

Dentist: Uh-huh … and grinding you’re teeth, too, kind of like me when I see my paycheck. Everything all right in your life? (Rachel wiggles her fingers) Still getting all A’s in school?

(Rachel waves her hands around. She sits up and rinses.)

Rachel: This doesn’t have anything to do with school.

Dentist: Maybe not, but I’d still like to see you learn to relax. And so would your teeth. OK, I’m going to do an impression. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger as a doctor. “Its not a tuma.”  (Laughs) But seriously, honey, deal with whatever’s bothering you post haste.

Rachel: That’s kind of easier said than done.

Dentist: I know, but you’re a strong, intelligent girl. I’m sure you’re up to whatever challenge you’re facing.

(Pats his own shoulder.)

Rachel: Thanks for listening, doc. I’m glad you used to be a psychologist.

 

Scene 7

Rachel’s room. Allison materializes out of the mist.

Allison: I’d do anything for a room like this, even kill a guy like on that Family Guy episode.

Rachel: Its 1993. Nobody’s heard of Family Guy. (Muttering) And quit laughing when you’re supposed to be mad. Yeah, I carefully lay my clothes out the night before, like the woman I am.

Allison: Stephanie says that isn’t normal.

Rachel: Stephanie said that … about me? I’m going to have to kick her butt.

(Rachel is seen kicking Stephanie’s butt.)

Allison: See, that’s why no one likes you. (Charles opens the door.)

Rachel: You know you’re supposed to knock!

Charles: Bookplates are for jackasses. (Looking at Allison) So, what’s your ethnic heritage?

Allison: Whatever you want it to be, you absolutely perfect example of manhood.

 

Scene 8

Victor and Nell’s room. Rachel knocks. Victor answers the door. A shower is heard running.

Victor: What can I do for you?

Rachel: I need to ask you a very important question.

Victor: OK, … shoot. Rachel …

Rachel: On Gilligan’s Island, if the professor could make a radio out of coconuts, why couldn’t he make a boat?

 

Scene 9

The front door of the house. Paul Medeiros is standing there. Charles appears, wearing a t-shirt that says “all stressed out and nowhere to joke.” Paul enters. He is a cockney.

Paul: So you’re Charles’s older sister, then?

Charles: No, this is my _baby sister.

Paul: She sure don’t loo’ li’ a baby.

Charles: Looks can be deceiving. She’s just thirteen.

Paul: Then you’re the musician, then?

Rachel: Well, I love music but I’m not that good.

Charles: She’s only a child prodigy.

Rachel: Charles … I am not!

Paul: (Playfully pushing Charles towards his room) OK, kid, time to crack them books.

 

Scene 10

Rachel’s room. Loud music can be heard. Rachel, Stephanie and Allison go downstairs to Charles’s room. Rachel knocks on the door. It opens. Charles, Marcella, Adrienne, Jeremy, and Dana Carpenter are sitting on the floor drinking beer and smoking marijuana.

Charles: Hey, Rachel. Boys To Men. Hey, girls, come in. Have a beer … have a joint.

Rachel: Nooooooooooooo. (She runs up to her room.)

 

Scene 11

The kitchen. Paul and Charles are seen coming out of Charles’s room.

Charles: Is Dana here?

Rachel: Out front.

Charles: You could have invited her in.

Rachel: You didn’t mention you were expecting company.

Paul: (Dropping arm around Charles’s shoulder) No distractions durin’ our time together, eh. Ask the bird to come back at five-thir’y, OK.

Charles: OK.

(Goes toward front door)

Paul: So, wha’ abou’ you, eh, Rachel?

Rachel: _What about me?

Paul: You go’ a boyfriend?

Rachel: No! I have to practice now.

(Runs from the room)

Paul: When am I gonna ‘ear you play?

Rachel: Whenever ….

Paul: I bet you play beautiful. I bet you tinkle them ivories like the sound of me old man breakin’ the dishes when ‘e’s off ‘is nut of a Sa’urday night.

 

Scene 12

The kitchen. The family is having dinner. Hlin and Roddy are having dinner with them.

Hlin: Its all about goals, isn’t it? In our life studies class we had to write down where we hope to be five years from today, then ten, then twenty. It really got me thinking.

Victor: What _are your goals, Hlin?

Hlin: Well, I don’t want to discuss my career goals, but one of my personal goals is to kiss the lead singer of every rock band. (To Charles) It would be a good course for you to take. Talk about someone who needs to clarify his goals!

Charles: So, Hlin, where’s your husband?

Hlin: As far as I know, Bill is still hang gliding. We have almost no contact.

Charles: (To Roddy) Poor little guy!

Hlin: He doesn’t need your pity. He’s going to be just fine.

Charles: That’s the spirit. Defy nature, Roddy my fine young man. Just because psychology proves a boy needs a father doesn’t mean things won’t be a hundred percent different in your particular case. Play Russian roulette with his well-being, why don’t ya. This is just an obstacle in his life. I’m surrounded by my obstacles. My father, the _Indifferent One, … my mother, the excuse-making wimp … and my little sister, the perfectionist child prodigy.

Victor: That does it. No telling the truth in this house.

 

Scene 13

A destroyer in the Pacific ocean. The Robinson family is fighting a Japanese destroyer.

Nell: Cover me.

Victor: Your not dying on my watch.

(They continue to battle.)

 

Scene 14

The counsellor’s office.

Jessica: Well, I don’t want to be hear, but I have to be. Its because of Charles. He takes up all our time and energy. I’m exhausted living in the same house as him. Its like being slowly poisoned.

Counsellor: And you, Miss …

Rachel: Rachel. Well, for me I guess it’s a matter of, well, you know, I’ve got my music, and my various school activities, and I’m a budding actress, and, you know, I have goals and really want to do a lot with my life, and, frankly, if there are people around like Charles here who don’t care about their future or where they’re going to end up in life than I just can’t achieve what I want to.

Counsellor: You mean to say Charles interferes when you’re trying to practice the piano or study?

Rachel: Well, no, it’s just, well, when I grow up, people will be like, “Oh, there was someone in her house who wasn’t as much of an overachiever so, therefore, we aren’t going to hire her at our company or give her any opportunities.”

Counsellor: I see. What about you, Mrs. Robinson?

Nell: Well, for my part, Doctor, my philosophy when it comes to bringing up children is rather simple, though brilliantly enlightened, if I do say so myself. You see, Doctor, I’ve always believed that since we are living in the latter half of the twentieth century and have all the modern technology and advanced ways of approaching things and viewing things we do now that I, as a parent, shouldn’t have to deal with any problems. In other words, children shouldn’t present me with problems in the first place. Now I’ve been proven correct, meaning of course that I am 100 percent correct, with Jessica and Rachel. However, the fact that Charles does not wish to take upon himself the reasonable task of orienting his life from childhood toward becoming a high profile member of society upon attainment of adulthood is totally unreasonable and something with which, I reiterate, I should not, and will not deal.

Victor: I agree, Doctor. In fact, that’s why we sent Charles to boarding school in the first place: so we wouldn’t have to deal with him.

Counsellor: Well, frankly, after listening first to Charles and then bringing all of you in to hear your sides of the story I don’t know what to do. Charles obviously has a different view of life, or at least of his teenage years than the rest of you and if none of you are willing to take a balanced approach to helping Charles to see that he does have to eventually do something with his life while at the same time respecting the fact he wishes to take a different path to success than the more traditional one you’ve chosen then I can’t help you. Without give and take on the part of young Charles’s family there may indeed be nothing that can be done.

Victor: (Flies into a rage) I knew it was a mistake to accept a goy counsellor. When our kind finishes taking over the world you will be the first to be killed.

(He storms out followed by the rest of the family.)

 

Scene 15

The train. A man with a canvas gym bag is sitting across from Rachel and Jessica. He opens the bag and a dog sticks his head out. The man pulls out a Dixie cup and feeds the dog ice cream from a spoon. Rachel and Jessica laugh.

Man: Laugh at me some more and I’ll kill you.

 

Scene 16

The ferry. Victor and Charles are standing at the rail.

Charles: Well, I’m glad you finally agreed to come with me on this field trip to Ellis Island at least.

Victor: Public school is your last stop, Charles. Mess this up and you’re out of my house.

Charles: Dad, I just don’t understand why you and the rest of the family can’t see it my way. I mean, sure, you’re a lawyer, Mom’s an accountant, Jessica’s an it-girl, and Rachel’s a child prodigy whose good at several other things besides. Me, though, I’m not like that.

Victor: But don’t you want to actually do something with your life? Do you not have any goals, dreams, ambitions?

Charles: Yes, Dad, as a matter of fact, I do have goals, dreams and ambitions. They just aren’t the same kind as what all of you seem to want for yourselves.

Victor: Then just what, pray tell, are they?

Charles: Well, Dad, honestly, I want to get into dealing. I actually like people a lot and I like for people to have a good time, so I feel I’d be really good at hooking people up with whatever stuff they needed.

Victor: Charles, you know why I finally agreed to come to Ellis Island with you and your class, don’t you?

Charles: Well, I know our family originally came here from Poland and entered America via Ellis Island.

Victor: That’s right. What you don’t know about our family’s past, however, is that back in Poland the Rybczynski family were the biggest drug dealers in that country. Your great-great-grandfather was known for having the best opium den between Berlin and Shanghai. When we came over here our family of course had to make a new start. We couldn’t be involved in stuff like that anymore, no. With what you’ve just told me, I feel, well, I just feel, honoured that one of my children, one of the great-great-grandchildren, wants to take up the family business again.

(He puts his arm around Charles. They hug.)

Charles: Also, Dad, I think I might want to eventually go into loan sharking.

Victor: I’ll leave that up to you, Chuck. I’ll leave that up to you.

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on “Here’s to You, Rachel Robinson” by Judy Blume.