PARODY TIME-SUCH A PRETTY GIRL

SUCH A PRETTY GIRL

Scene 1

Meredith’s condo. Meredith and her mother are standing at the window.

Cheryl: Oh, Meredith, I think I can see your daddy off in the distance.

Meredith: Mother, I don’t know how you can allow him to live with us after what he did.

Cheryl: Now, honey, this isn’t easy for any of us. We just have to make the best of it. Oooh, here he comes. He’ll be at the door any second. (Cheryl crosses the apartment to the door. A few seconds later, Meredith’s father enters) Charles, so good to see you.

(Meredith’s mother tries to throw her arms around her husband. He stiffens.)

Charles: It’s good to see you too, honey.

Cheryl: Oh, did the warden give you new shoes? Those look nice.

Charles: No, I got them from a source on the outside while I was still in the joint.

Cheryl: Oh. Well, I hope you’re hungry. I thawed out three steaks for us to have (glances over at kitchen counter) Now that’s funny. I know I set those steaks out to thaw just a few hours ago.

Meredith: I threw them out.

Cheryl: You what?!

Meredith: I threw the steaks out. They were bad.

Cheryl: Those steaks were not bad. They were perfectly good when I got them from the butcher just a few days ago.

Meredith: Well, they would have rotted as soon as they were served rather than go into Dad.

Cheryl: Now you see here young---

Charles: It’s OK. You know what I was really craving the whole time I was in prison: French food.

Cheryl: All right, then. I’ll phone up Chez Tony’s and order us some fancy French cuisine.

(She goes over to the phone, picks up the receiver and dials.)

Tony: Chez Tony’s.

Cheryl: Yes, I’d like to order your full course dinner.

Tony: Sorry, madame, but we do not deliver to your area.

Cheryl: What do you mean? Your restaurant is right next door to our condo complex.

Tony: Sorry, madame, but we don’t deliver to your area.

Cheryl: Well, fine then. (Slams down the phohne) Well, how do you like that?

Meredith: They have caller ID, Mom. They, like everyone else in the entire neighbourhood know Dad is living in this building again.

Cheryl: Oh, I just don’t know what we’re going to do.

(She storms off into the bedroom and closes the door.)

Charles: Well, Cherup, this isn’t a very auspicious homecoming. Anyway, I’m sure there are lots of happier days to come.

Meredith: First of all, I don’t want you to call me cherup anymore. Second, you aren’t supposed to be alone with me according to the conditions of your release, remember?

Charles: (Patting Meredith on the arm) Oh, honey.

Meredith: (Quickly heading for the door) I’m going out.

(She exits.)

Scene 2

Andy’s apartment. Meredith enters. Andy is sitting in his wheelchair, drinking a bottle of bourbon.

Meredith: Hey, I need to borrow your shower.

Andy: What happened?

Meredith: He patted my arm, after not following Mom into their bedroom.

Andy: He’s still the same as he always was, then. There’s just bound to be a whole lot of trouble.

Meredith: You’re telling me.

Andy: You can borrow the shower, of course. Just move the stuff out of the way.

Meredith: No problem.

Andy: Also, hurry up in there so we can make love.

(Meredith makes her way into the bathroom. She pulls back the shower curtain. The bathtub is crammed full of junk. She removes boxes of old magazines, old record players, furniture, etc.)

Scene 3

Andy’s bedroom. Meredith and Andy are lying on the bed together.

Andy: Meredith, I’ve got something to tell you.

Meredith: (Sleepily) Uh.

Andy: Well, as you know, ever since the car accident that made me a paraplegic, Mom’s become a militant atheist. We’re going to Iowa on Monday to yell at random Christians about how cruel their nonexistent God is.

Meredith: (Sits bolt upright, knocking Andy on the floor) What! Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? Why do you have to leave now, of all times?

Andy: Help, Meredith, help. Owwww, I think I’m a quadriplegic now.

Meredith: You’ll be lying on that floor for the rest of eternity if you don’t start giving me an explanation, newest quad man.

Andy: I just found out today. Mom’s gotten real kooky since the accident. She just does spontaneous things a lot of the time.

Meredith: I cant believe this.

Andy: We leave Monday. We’ll be back in three days.

Meredith: Oh, that’s just wonderful.

(She storms out of the room.)

Scene 4

Outside Meredith’s apartment. Meredith is standing at the bottom of her front porch steps. Officer Nigel Balthazar comes up to her on his scooter.

Nigel: I saw the whole thing earlier. Your Dad’s out, isn’t he?

Meredith: Uh huh, he is.

Nigel: According to the boys on the force, he hasn’t registered yet.

Meredith: If you’ve told them where he’s living, couldn’t they come by and register him?

Nigel: I don’t know. Anyway, if you have any trouble, you know this retired cop with emphazema’s got your back.

Meredith: Thanks, Officer Balthazar.

Scene 5

The next morning. The kitchen. Meredith enters from her bedroom. Her father is sitting at the kitchen table.

Meredith: What are you doing here?

Charles: I am a part of this family and I will be in this apartment if I want to.

Meredith: No, you have your own apartment on the other side of the building since, as a condition of your parole, you can’t live with us or, I might add, be alone with me.

Charles: Oh, what does the legal system know. They didn’t change your diapers or teach you how to count or play catch with you.

Meredith: They did if you count that paralegal you used to hang out with.

Charles: Where were you last night out past curfew?

Meredith: None of your business.

Charles: It is my business since I’m your father.

Meredith: You gave up all that comes with that word when you did what you did to me.

Charles: No I didn’t.

Meredith: I can’t believe you.

Charles: (Goes over to Meredith and puts his arm around her. Speaking robotically) Look, Meredith, I’m real sorry about what I did. I tried to apologize but I’m not good at that… Oooh, when did you start wearing a bra, baby?

(Meredith runs into her bedroom, jumps out the window and starts running in the direction of Andy’s.)

Scene 6

Andy’s apartment. Meredith knocks on the door. Mrs. Muse answers.

Mrs. Muse: Meredith, it’s good to--- Honey, what’s wrong?

Meredith: I’ve got to get away from Dad, take a shower.

Mrs. Muse: Did he---

Meredith: No, but he’s still as big a creep as he always was.

Mrs. Muse: Quick, come inside.

(Meredith enters. Mrs. Muse shuts the door. Andy is sitting in his living room in his wheelchair, drinking a bottle of bourbon.)

Andy: Hey, Meredith.

Meredith: I need to use your shower.

Andy: Sure. Just hurry up so we can make love again.

Meredith: OK. After that, I’m going to my grandmother’s.

Scene 6

Meredith’s grandmother’s house. Meredith, her mother and grandmother are sitting at the kitchen table.

Cheryl: Now, Meredith, you’ve got to stop running away like this.

Meredith: What else am I supposed to do, Mother?

Louisa: Personally, Cheryl, I think the best thing in this situation is for Meredith to move in with me. Then, I will begin the process of adopting her. (She goes over to the counter, grabs her datebook and flips through it) Now let me see, Monday is no good, I’m meeting that delegation from Guinea Bisau. Tuesday I got that Elks Club thing. Wednesday I’m meeting with the Esthertown Nuclear Rearmament Committie. Jeez, who knew being the mayor of a small town when you have ambitions to become the next president could be so complicated? OK, I can meet with my attorney and my personal assistant about adopting you…ten years from now. You good with that?

Meredith: In ten years I’ll be 25.

Louisa: Oh.

Cheryl: Besides, if you adopt Meredith, she won’t be able to take care of the new baby.

Louisa: You’re going to have a baby?!

Cheryl: Yes, mother, I think I’m plenty old enough to do that now.

Louisa: You are, but I can’t see you closing your interior design business for any length of time to take care of a baby.

Cheryl: I won’t be the primary caregiver.

Meredith: Well, you certainly can’t expect a 15 year old to do that job.

Cheryl: Of course I don’t expect you to do it, Meredith, at least not the bulk of it. Your father and you will raise the baby together.

Meredith: Mother, are you insane?! With Dad being what he is, you trust him to raise a child alone?

Cheryl: (Getting up from the table and grabbing her keys) All this arguing is cutting into baby making time.

(She exits)

Scene 7

Nigel’s porch. Nigel and Meredith are sitting on old living room chairs, drinking pop.

Nigel: Well, kid, there’s only one thing to do: get your father back in prison. To that end, I called in some favours with my cop buddies who are still on the force and got you these.

(He pulls out a cardboard box from beside his chair and opens it. There are two old-fashioned video cameras inside.)

Meredith: What are those?

Nigel: Video surveillance equipment. Out of date stuff that was taking up space in the basement at headquarters, but they should serve our purposes. Put one in your bedroom and one in the kitchen. When trouble starts to brew, press this big red button marked on, see. Then I’ll send the film to a guy I know in Lubbock, Texas, he’ll develop it, mail it back to me, and then, we may possibly have some evidence that’ll hold up in court.

Meredith: Thank you Mr. Belthazar.

Scene 8

Meredith’s condo. Meredith enters. Charles and Cheryl are in the living room. She places one of the security cameras on the counter.

Charles: Well, honey, your Mom and I are going to go into the bedroom and do some baby making.

Cheryl: Charles!

Charles: Ah, c’mon, she’s old enough to hear about baby making, especially considering---

Meredith: For goodness sake, it’s 12:30 in the afternoon!

Cheryl: Really, Meredith, why do you always have to bring up totally irrelevant information? (Turning to Charles) Come on, honey, turn on the mood music.

(Charles presses a button on the stereo remote. Eman’s “F*ck It” starts blaring throughout the room. Cheryl and Charles head for the bedroom.)

Scene 9Monday morning. Cheryl is standing at the front door, about to head off for work. Charles and Meredith are sitting at the kitchen table.

Cheryl: Well, bye, everybody. See you after work.

Meredith: See you later, Mom.

Charles: Have a good day at work, honey.

(Cheryl exits)

Meredith: So, a couple nights ago you were wondering where I was. See, I went---

Charles: Oh, come on, Meredith, baby, you know I love you. I still want you, girlie.

(He makes a grab for her. Meredith starts to run toward the bedroom. The door bursts open. The head of the condo association is standing in the doorway.)

Head: I am the head of the Oxford Chestnuts Condo Association. I’ve received a report that, two days ago, there was loud music with obscene lyrics coming from this apartment.

Charles: Yeah, so what if there was?

Head: I trust you’ve read your agreement, Mr. Shale. Therefore, you know loud music, especially music with lyrics like that, is against the rules. The penalty for breaking that rule is eviction, and as per an agreement worked out with the Esthertown Police Department, Inc., life in prison with no chance of parole.

Charles: Who do you think you are?!

Head: I have a certificate in Condominion Association Management. Now come with me.

(The condo association head produces handcuffs, puts them on Charles and starts dragging him out of the apartment.)

Meredith: Oh, thank you, sir. Nigel sure thought of a good ruse for sending my father back to prison. You must have known about the numerous parole violations over the last couple of days.

Head: I have no idea what you’re talking about, young lady.

Closing credits.

Based on “Such a Pretty Girl” by Laura Wiess.