PORCUPINE
Scene 1
Jacklyn’s room. Jacklyn is sitting on her windowsill with
her legs out the window on the roof. Jacklyn’s mom enters.
Fran: Jacklyn, get down from there. You’re going to fall.
Jacklyn: Mom, I’ve told you this before. I won’t fall.
Fran: That roof is awfully steep.
Jacklyn: Yeah, but it’s rough, like a cat’s tongue. See, I
can’t fall.
(Jacklyn inches further out the window and proceeds to climb
down the roof. She closes her eyes and starts dancing around. She slips off the
roof, falls and breaks her neck.)
Scene 2
The living room. Jacklyn enters. Simon is sitting on the
floor constructing a medieval castle out of lego. Dad is sitting on the couch,
drinking coffee out of a Tim Horton’s mug and watching hockey highlights.
Bob: Hi Jack.
(He musses up her hair.)
Jacklyn: Hi, Dad.
Bob: I love Tim Horton’s coffee. It’s the best coffee in the
world. (He dips a serving spoon into a bowl of sugar on the coffee table, dumps
it in his coffee and stirs it around. He then takes a sip.) Ahhhh, now it’s just
perfect.
(Tessa enters. Her hair has a French braid and a ribbon in
it.)
Tessa: Hey, Jacklyn, look at me. I have a French braid and a
ribbon in my hair because I’m a girl and I can.
Jacklyn: Ooo, don’t you think that’s a little fancy for
hanging around the house?
Tessa: I’m going into town. Mom’s taking me to the beauty
parlour to get touchups, highlights.
Jacklyn: I know what highlights are.
Tessa: No you don’t.
Jacklyn: Yes I do. I’m not stupid. I wasn’t born yesterday,
you know. I was born two days ago.
Tessa: You’re just jealous because I’m going into town.
Jacklyn: I don’t care.
Tessa: And Mom’s going to buy me new shoes, party shoes, and
maybe even a new dress to match, because she’s a woman and she can.
Jacklyn: So?
Bob: Fran, what’s this about you getting Tessa new shoes and
a dress? You just bought her new shoes two weeks ago. What does she need
another pair for?
Fran: (From the kitchen) Those were black party shoes to go
with her black dresses. Now she needs red party shoes to go with her red party
dress because she’s a girl and she can. Besides, she’s outgrown her other party
shoes and Brenda’s party is tomorrow.
Jacklyn: I wear my runners to parties. What’s the big deal?
Tessa: That’s because all your parties involve going into
the woods and drinking and smoking pot.
Jacklyn: Shut up.
(She kicks Tessa’s shin.)
Tessa: (Jumping around the room on one leg) Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow. Now I’m being all dramatic about getting kicked in the shin
because I’m a girl and I can.
Bob: Fran, at least take Simon with you. He needs new shoes.
His old ones are worn and falling apart.
Tessa: Why do you have to go and ruin my fun, spoil my
mother-daughter day. Of course I have a lot of mother-daughter days because Mom
likes me best, but that’s beside the point. Now I’m going to be all dramatic
about it because I’m a girl and I can.
(She stomps out of the house, slamming the door. Fran and
Simon exit.)
Bob: (To Jacklyn) Hey, what do you say we finish watching
hockey highlights and then go work on that tire swing.
Jacklyn: Cool. But don’t you think we should take the tire
off the car first?
Bob: No.
Hockey highlights …
Darren Subtraction: Hi, I’m Darren Subtraction and welcome
back to Sports Centre. Joining me is the centre forward for the Key West Living
Creatures, Henrich Blogojovich. Welcome to Sports Centre, Henrich.
Henrich Blogojovich: (Mechanically) Welcome to Sports
Centre, Darren. (Laughs) Little joke.
Darren Subtraction: So, Henrich, you’ve just started playing
in the NHL. What do you think of North America
so far?
Henrich: Good. Good.
Darren Subtraction: How have you found Canadian and American
hockey players compare to eastern-European hockey players?
Henrich: Bad. Bad.
Darren Subtraction: (Getting angry) You mean to honestly say
that Eastern-European players are better than Canadian (and the few American)
hockey players with our strong hockey culture and all our sophisticated
equipment?
Henrich: Good. Good.
Darren Subtraction: How much English do you actually know?
Henrich: Good, bad, hot dog, want to participate in some
insider stock trading.
Darren Subtraction: Well, that concludes this half hour of
Sports Centre. Stay tuned for the next half hour where we’ll be showing the
same sports highlights we’ve been showing all morning in the same order. Oh, screw
it. Mike, just turn off the transmitter until noon.
Scene 3
The front steps. Big Mike’s car is in the driveway. Bob
stands in front of Fran and the children with a suitcase in his hand.
Bob: Well, I’ve got to go now. Fran, be the loving mother
you’ve always been while I’m away.
Fran: I will.
Bob: Jack, take care of your sister and brother for me.
Jacklyn: I will.
Bob: No, I really mean that. You’re mother’s an idiot and I
don’t think she’ll be able to handle things. (Bob pulls a CD out of his pocket)
Tessa?
Tessa: Yes, Daddy.
Bob: Here.
Tessa: Oh, your best of Clay Aiken CD.
Bob: Yes, take care of it for me while I’m away. I won’t
need it while I’m on the savannas of Afghanistan . (He huggs Simon) I
love you, son.
Simon: Daddy, will you be away forever?
Bob: No. We’ll all be back here in a few months. All we’re
trying to do is completely defeat terrorism and wipe every terrorist off the
face of the earth. How hard can that be? We’ll thump ‘em.
Jacklyn: Dad, what if you get killed?
Bob: Don’t worry, Jack. No one ever gets killed in Afghanistan because our mission is designated a
peacekeeping mission, not a war like in Iraq . If it were called a war, then
yeah, I’d probably for sure get killed, but it’s called a peacekeeping mission
so what we’ll probably end up doing is just pass out roses for the
Afghanistanis to eat and we’ll all come back safe and sound.
(Big Mike honks the horn. )
Big Mike: Hey, Bob, get your butt in here.
Bob: Well, that’s my ride. Bye everybody.
(He gets in the car and it drives away.)
Fran: Well, kids, let’s go to A And W.
Scene 4
The A And W. Fran and the kids enter.
Cashier: Hey there. We got burgers fresh from under the
sun-lamp and root beer freshly drained from the old Pontiac out back.
Fran: Four Distant Cousin Burgers, four small fries and four
root beers, please.
(The cashier grabs the food from under the sun-lamp and
brings it to a table. Fran and the kids start to eat.)
Jacklyn: Get me some water, please.
Scene 5
School. Jacklyn is sitting at her desk with a worksheet in
front of her. Miss Harris is standing at the front of the class.
Miss Harris: OK, get started on your math problems.
Jacklyn: (Reads) Billy has one apple. His neighbour, Mr.
Ibrahimiam gives him another one. How many does he have?
Duh.
(Suddenly, she clutches her head, screams and falls under
the desk.)
Miss Harris: ****. What is it, Jacklyn?
Jacklyn: (Getting up) Really, I’m fine.
Miss Harris: You better go down to the nurses office. You’ve
already wasted fifteen seconds of our academic time. We can’t risk you falling
again and wasting more.
Scene 6
The living room. Tessa and Simon are sitting on the couch,
watching TV. Jacklyn enters.
Jacklyn: Who wants Lucky Charms?
Tessa: Sure.
Simon: Yeah, please.
(Jacklyn goes into the kitchen and gets the box of Lucky Charms.
The box reads, “NEW LUCKY CHARMS Since we already put marshmallows in it, we’ve
decided to get rid of the cereal part and add Jolly Ranchers and Sour Patch
Kids instead.” Jacklyn pours three bowls, pours milk on them and takes them out
to the living room.)
Scene 7
The study. Fran turns on the computer and opens her email.
Bruce Marshall: (From inside the wall) You’ve got mail.
(Fran opens the message. It reads “Yo babe,
Ive dicided to join the terrorists goodby
Bob
Ps tell the kids I got killed.
Scene 8
The house. A knock is heard at the door. Fran answers it.
Three kids are standing on the front steps in Haloween costumes.
Kid: Trick or treat.
Fran: We aren’t giving away candy this year. Our family’s
going through a bit of a rough time.
(Fran shuts the door.)
Later…
(The kids break down the door. The lead kid enters ahead of
the others, brandishing a Super Soaker.)
Kid: Look, lady, you got three choices. Eether give us
candy, give us your money, or your whole family gets it.
Fran: (Frightened) Here, let me go get some money. (She
leaves the room and returns with a whole game’s worth of monopoly money) Here
you go.
Kid: Thanks, lady.
(He sprays the room with the Super Soaker.)
Scene 9
The street corner. The kids approach Fingers, the candy
dealer.
Kid: Yo, Fingers, we got a whole game worth of monopoly
money. Give us the best you got.
Fingers: I hook you up. (He fills several paper bags with
candy.) Now where de money at?
Kid: Chill. Here the money.
(He hands over the money and the kids leave.)
Scene 10
A dance club. The kids are dancing and popping candy into
their mouths.
DJ Tiger: All right. We gonna kick it up old school.
(“Move It” by Technotronic comes on.)
Kid: (Screams) Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I love this
song. (Pops more candy into his mouth and walks up to a girl and starts to
dance with her) Hey baby. Wanna dance? (They dance) Ohhh, your shirt is so
soft. (Touches the collar of her shirt)
Later …
(The kids and the girls exit the club into the noonday sun.)
Kid: Wow, that was fun. Let’s go back to my place for some
virgin bloody Marys. We can discuss the philosophy and ideas of Judy Blume and
Dr. Seus.
Girl: Oh, that’d be so awesome.
Scene 11
The principal’s office. Jacklyn, Tessa and Simon enter.
Miss Spingle: You can go right on in, kids.
(They go into the inner office. Miss Campbell, the principal,
is standing there beside Fran. Simon runs to Fran and throws his arms around
her.
Jacklyn: Why are you here?
Fran: I need you kids to go get your things, coats and
backpacks and stuff. We’re going on a little trip. A family emergency has come
up. Your great-grandmother needs us.
Tessa: Who? Who? What? Where are we going?
Fran: To see your great-grandmother, sweetheart. The one in Alberta .
Jacklyn: Alberta ?
Alberta ?
Isn’t that on the other side of Canada ?
Simon: Yes, it is. It’s right next to Saskatchewan . The only other province
farther away is British Columbia .
(Sings) Oh, the provinces of Canada
are fun to remember,
Fun to remember,
Fun to remember.
The provinces of Canada are fun to remember,
So say them,
Say them with me.
From there you’ll see,
Fran: Look, since your Dad j--- got killed, I’ve completely
fallen apart, so you’re going to live with your great-grandmother in Alberta until or if I
get things back together.
Simon: But that’ll suck. (Pouts) Why did Daddy have to go to
Afghanistan anyway?
Fran: To fight for freedom.
Tessa: What’s freedom?
Fran: Well, birthday cake, that’s freedom. (The kids look
unconvinced) Or, virgin Bloody Marys. You like virgin bloody Marys, don’t you?
Simon: Uh huh.
Fran: Well, everytime you drink a virgin bloody Mary, that’s
freedom. (The kids still look unconvinced) And rainbows, rainbows are freedom.
Scene 12
A pawn shop. Fran and the kids enter and walk to the
counter.
Fran: Now, look hungry so I’ll get a better price. (She
slips her engagement ring and wedding ring off her finger. She then takes off
her gold earrings.) How much for these?
Pawn Shop Owner: I’ll give you five bucks for ‘em.
Fran: OK.
Jacklyn: Mom, no. That guy’s ripping you off. That
engagement ring’s worth twelve hundred dollars alone. I know. I saw the
receipt. The wedding ring and those gold earrings have to be worth somewhere
around there, too, give or take a few hundred dollars.
Pawn Shop Owner: Five bucks. Take it or leave it.
Fran: Sold.
Oliver Russell: This family could have gotten a lot more for
their jewelery if they had come into my store. Hi, I’m Oliver Russell. If you
bring me your jewelery, I’ll give you cash! Loads and loads of cash!!! I’ll
take your rings, earrings, necklaces, brooches, watches, even your gold
fillings, and I’ll give you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash.
Here, listen to this unsolicited testimony from an actual sock puppet. (Pulls a
sock puppet out of his pocket and puts it on his hand) I wen’ ‘own oo Oiver
uffe’s for, kave him my hillins, a’ he kave me ‘ash. (Puts the sock puppet
away) So come down to my store to trade in your jewelery. I’m Cash Dude!
(He runs across the studio and falls through a plate glass
window.)
Scene 13
A radio station. The announcer is sitting in the studio at
the board.
Anncr: And that was another generic adult contemporary song
on Q92, your generic adult contemporary radio station in a generic Ontario town. Now time
to take a look at the roads, and I should mention that before we take a look at
the traffic, due to these tough economic times, we’ve had to rent out our
traffic copter for booze cruises. Now over to Deenie Peddy with her eye on the
road.
(Shift to the traffic copter. Deenie Peddy is at the
controls. Behind her, there are people in various states of intoxication.
Dixiland jazz music can be heard in the background.)
Deenie Peddy: I have my eye on you, too. You better not
steal my lemon pie out of the fridge, jerkwad. (Laughs uncontrollably) No, I
kid. So, yo, it’s lookin just fine on the major roads around town. Taking a
look at the 401, it’s a nightmare as usual. Stupid Ontario government. You’d think they could
find a way to accommodate all these cars. I pay enough ****ing tax … anywho,
one thing about it is there’s a stalled car in the middle of the highway with
flames shooting out de hood. Hey, people, here’s something to help you fix your
car. (She tosses an empty bottle of Malaboo out of the helicopter) Back to you,
jerkface.
(Shift to on the ground. Fran and the kids are standing near
their car, which is about to blow up. Fran is hysterical. Jacklyn takes a jug
of water from the front seat and pours it on the flames. The fire goes out.)
Fran: Thank goodness. (She gets into the front seat, puts
the key in the ignition and tries to start the car. Nothing happens) Oh, how
are we ever going to fix the car and get to Alberta? (She gets hysterical
again. People behind them start honking there horns. The engine starts to turn
over. The kids get back in the car. As people keep honking their horns, the car
roars to life and starts moving faster and faster.) Horray.
Scene 14
Great-grandma’s house. Fran and the kids walk up the front
steps and knock on the door. No one answers. Fran knocks again. No one answers.
Fran: Darn. Let’s go in anyway.
(They enter the house. Great-grandmother appears.)
Great-grandmother: Well, Fran, you got a lot of nerve. Cut
yourself off from us for twelve years. Only two letters in that time, and those
to say you needed money. That good-for-nothing Bob leave you? I bet he’s here,
isn’t he? (Turns toward the bathroom) Bob, come out of there and show yourself,
you good-for-nothing bum of a coward.
Fran: Grandma, Bob’s not here. He joined th--- got killed in
Afghanistan .
Great-grandmother: (Looking confused) Bob, are you here?
Bob. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooob. Come out you
low-life, cowardly idiot. First, let me say this. Bein an idiot is no box of
chocolates.
Fran: Quick, kids, get your stuff up to my old bedroom while
she’s confused. Second door on the left.
Great-grandmother: They’d worked it out so’s I had three
homeroom classes, where you just sat around and did whatever you wanted.
Scene 15
The kitchen of great-grandmother’s house. Fran and
great-grandmother are sitting at the kitchen table drinking lemonade. Jacklyn
comes down the stairs, carrying a box of photographs. The other kids follow
her.
Jacklyn: Look, Mom, I found these pictures of you, at some
kind of beauty pageant or something.
(She shows Fran the photographs.)
Fran: Ah, yes, this is when I was in the Wheatonville beauty
pageant, representing Grandpa’s car dealership. (Laughs) Look at me, sitting on
that car, looking pretty as a picture. I woulda won, too, but that faggot Perez
Hilton asked me what I thought of same sex marriage. I told him I thought it
was wrong and he called me a dumb bitch and disqualified me from the pageant.
(Gets up from the table) Well, Grandma, kids, I’m leaving you here. Goodbye.
(She exits.)
Scene 16
School. Mr. Holman is standing in front of the class.
Mr. Holman: OK, today we’re going to look at Oilers formula.
(The kids cheer) Actually, it’s not called Oilers formula. The board just
figured that naming it after the Edmonton Oilers was the only way to reach you
little idiots. Anyway, Oilers formula says that the number of faces minus the
number of edges equals the number of vertices, or something. I want you to test
this theory out. I have bags of marshmallows and bags of toothpicks up here.
Walk your lazy butts up here, get some and build a geometric shape.
(The kids walk up to the front, collect the marshmallows and
toothpicks, go back to their desks, and start throwing marshmallows and
stabbing each other with toothpicks. )
Jacklyn: What are you guys going to do when you run out of
marshmallows and you have nothing to construct your pyramids with?
Kid: It’s like the oil money. We’ll use it up now, then when
it’s gone we’ll worry about it then.
(Jacklyn dutifully constructs her pyramid. She then stares
out the window and sees a bunch of kids throwing mud balls at another kid. She
brings her pyramid up to Mr. Holman.)
Jacklyn: Here’s my assignment. I gotta go deal with this.
(She goes out to the playground and walks up to the group of
kids. Simon is the one being beaten up.)
Jacklyn: Hey, what’s going on here. You’re beating up my
little brother.
Richie Fitcher: Hey, kid, what’s your name, anyway?
Simon: Simon.
Richie: Well, Simon, you’re not from around here, are you?
Simon: No.
Richie: I bet you’re from some socialist province like
Ontario. I bet you’re a socialist. Are you a socialist, Simon? I bet you voted
for Dolton McGhinty. Did you vote for Dolton McGhinty, Simon? In fact, I bet
you’re a card-carrying member of the NDP. Yeah, you support all those socialist
policies, like … the kinds of policies the socialist leaders in Ontario have. Show me
your NDP card, right now.
(Jacklyn punches Richie Fitcher in the nose. Then she starts
beating up the other boys.)
Scene 17
The principal’s office. Jim, the schoolyard monitor, Jacklyn
and the principal are standing in the office.
Principal: Didn’t you try to stop those boys from beating
that boy up?
Jim: Well, I saw them start beating him up, but I decided
since he wasn’t from around here it was OK.
Principal: Good man. You’re dismissed. (Jim exits. The
principal turns to Jacklyn) You … you … you beat up those boys. Did you ever
stop to consider their feelings? Did you ever stop to consider how they would
like being beaten up? They were just
going about their business, beating up an innocent boy, when you had to
interfere with their right to be who they are. Don’t you know you should be
respectfull of people? You should respect a black persons right to be black,
you should respect a disabled person’s right to be disabled and you should
respect a bully’s right to be a bully. You must always be respectful,
considerate and understanding of other people. We have a zero tolerance policy
at this school, so I’m giving you a three-day suspension. I don’t care if you
don’t like it.
Scene 19
Great-grandmother’s house. Great-grandmother and two ladies
from church are having tea in the living room. Jacklyn is sitting at the top of
the stairs, listening.
Church Lady 1: She’s a hooligan, Dorris, plain and simple.
Maureen, she said she thought she heard someone say they heard someone saw the
girl returning to school from downtown, which means she was playing hooky, too.
Church Lady 2: I’m telling you, Dorris, she punched Richie
Fitcher right in the nose. I’m telling you, the young people today just have no
respect for anyone or anything.
Church Lady 1: You should never have taken those kids in.
Like our pastor says, if people have a problem, they should look to the
government for a solution. Social services has a variety of excellent programs
to help kids like those. Well, they mostly amount to sticking the kids in a
juvenile detention centre where they can learn from more serious delinquents
how to be better criminals, but who cares as long as they’re out of our hair.
Besides, the government has an excellent record of caring about the welfare of
children.
Great-grandmother: I’m not turning those kids over to social
services. I’m the only family they have left and I’m not going to dessert them.
Church Lady 1: Well, why don’t you sell this farm? You know
Ted Buchanan has been wanting to buy this place for years. Why don’t you sell
the farm and move into Paliative Valley Nursing Home? They’ve got a swimming
pool, well, at any rate a big bathtub, billiards, shuffle-board, food, and golf
excursions. Also, if you recommend a person come live there, they’ll give you
five dollars.
Great-grandmother: I’m not selling the farm or moving into a
nursing home, and I’m not turning those kids over to social services, eether.
If my Jack punched Richie Fitcher in the nose, then it was for a good reason.
If he’s a lazy good-for-nothing like his grandfather, he probably deserved it.
But, then you would know more about that than me. After all, you did go steady
with Gord for three years.
Scene 20
Great-grandmother’s house. Great-grandmother and the kids
are sitting around the kitchen table having dinner. The phone rings. Tessa runs
out in the hall to answer it.
Tessa: Hello. … Mom!
(Jack, Simon and great-grandmother run to the phone.)
Fran: Hi, Jim Schuster, is that you?
Tessa: No, Mom, it’s---
Fran: Man, Jim, how long has it been? Twelve years? Well, as
you mighta heard, my husband got killed or abducted by aliens or something, so
I was just kind of sittin here thinking and I thought about you. Man, remember
how we used to go together back in high school, before I met Bob? Remember
you’d come down to Grandpa’s shop every afternoon in the summer and coach me on
my moves for the Wheatonville beauty pageant. My gosh. Remember, in the fall,
how we went on that hay ride? Turned out more like a happy hay ride, if you
know what I mean. I’m sorry we broke up, but I just had to marry Bob. It was
true love, like nothing I’d ever known before. Oh well, that’s in the past now,
even though my judgmental bitch of a grandmother doesn’t seem to think so, the
old crone. So, anyway, Jim, how about when I come out to Wheatonville to visit
my bitch of a grandmother and my kiddy kiddies, I skip the bitch and the
kiddykids and come see you instead. They’d never even have to know I’d been out
there. What do you say, Jimmyboy? … Hello … Hello?
(Fran hangs up.)
Scene 21
Great-grandmother’s house. Jacklyn, Tessa and Simon are
lying in Fran’s old bed.
Simon: Jack, why did Daddy get killed?
Jacklyn: (Sleepily) Huh, what?
Simon: Why did Daddy get killed?
Jacklyn: You remember what Mom said. It was an American
soldier, what they call friendly fire.
Simon: But I thought the Americans were helping us in the
war. Are the Americans our enemies?
Jacklyn: No, they’re our friends.
Simon: Then why did the soldier kill Daddy?
Jacklyn: Well, he was probably scared and nervous, and he
was probably hopped up on pills, and he’d probably spent his whole childhood
watching violent movies and TV shows, and playing violent video games, and
listening to violent music. He might have also been raised to think America
was great and every other country was garbage, and he was probably incapable of
actually thinking for himself, so when George W. Bush talked about fighting the
terrorists, he was probably all like, “Yeah, let’s get these ragheads.” Then,
that night it probably all came to a head, and he just reacted instantly
without thinking, just wanting to “kill, kill, kill something. Make America
proud.”
Simon: Oh.
Jacklyn: Besides, if Dad hadn’t been killed, then a dad to
some other family would have got killed.
Simon: But why do any of them have to kill each other at all?
Why can’t there just be peace?
Jacklyn: Well, because they needed to invade Afghanistan so they could lay a pipeline out to
the Caspian sea to transport the oil they were going to get when they invaded Iraq .
Plus, the whole thing has allowed governments to make a whole bunch of new
laws, and if anyone objects to them, the government can just say, “Well, you
just hate your country.”
Scene 22
Church. Reverend Drysdale is in the pulpet.
Great-grandmother and the kids are sitting in one of the pews.
Reverend Drysdale: Now, I know here at Wheatonville United I
don’t usually preach anything that’s relevant to anyone, but today it gives me
an opportunity to talk about the private business of some members of our
congregation, so today I’m going to talk about doing charitable deeds. Now,
it’s all very well and good to help the earthquake victims in northern Ontario , or the tsunami victims down in New
Orleans , or the victims of the perpetual snowstorms in southern Africa , but sometimes, when I say so, we have to help the
people who are struggling in our own community. I do not feel this way because
I believe God wants us to do this. In fact, being a united church minister I
don’t even believe in God. No, I say this because Dorris and those three
hopeless juvenile delinquents she’s taken in need school supplies and can’t afford
them. Please donate money for some.
Scene 23
The school bus. Kids are yelling and throwing things at each
other. The driver is drinking from a bottle of whisky and listening to the
radio.
Anncr 1: Hank Williams “Your Cheating Heart” here on 700
Cike. Bob and Jeff in the morning here with you. So, Jeff, what did you do last
night.
Anncr 2: Well, Bob, I got drunk and stared at the walls in
my drab apartment as usual.
Anncr 1: Sounds exciting. What kinds of things did you
think?
Anncr 2: Oh, you know, the utter hopelessness of things and
the total futility of life.
Anncr 1: I hear you. Like take this job for example. Sittin
here talking to you fine folks, people that don’t even appreciate us enough to
pay attention to what we’re saying, too busy doing other things. What, are we
not good enough for you, you stupid **** hicks?
Anncr 2: I hear you. Playing the fifty greatest classic
country songs of all time. Hank Williams “Your Cheating Heart.” Ooo, real
exciting. Nobody’s ever heard that song before.
Anncr 1: Yeah, and take our boss. Weston’s a complete idiot.
He’d close down this crummy station and fire us all if he could, but all the
old people in town would come down on his butt so hard he wouldn’t know what
hit him.
Anncr 2: Yeah, always gotta talk about cutting costs. Well,
I took a look at the quarterly report and this company’s doing better than it
ever has, what with all the money from the latest oil boom, but
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Weston’s
gotta ****ing go ahead and fire the evening guy.
Anncr 1: Oh well, I didn’t like that stupid jerk of a
pimple-face anyway.
Anncr 2: I hear you.
Anncr 1: And now another six million commercials.
Scene 24
Simon’s school. Jacklyn is standing in front of Mrs.
Letterer’s classroom. She enters.
Jacklyn: Yes, I’m here for Simon Cooper.
Mrs. Letterer: Sorry, there’s no school today. Parent
teacher conferences.
Jacklyn: Yeah, that’s what I’m here for.
Mrs. Letterer: Sorry, parent teacher conferences can only be
attended by a parent or legal guardian.
Jacklyn: Look, I’m Simon’s sister. I’m representing him.
Mrs. Letterer: Well, all right, then. Simon has asperger’s
syndrome. This means that he can’t relate to people in the same way as other
kids. It also means that he doesn’t learn the same way other kids do. This
means he is stupid and will never amount to anything. Well, thank you for your
time. There are other parents waiting at the door.
Scene 25
The Cooper’s house in Newfoundland .
Fran is sitting on the living room couch. A knock is heard at the door. Bob
enters.
Fran: Bob! You’re back!
Bob: Yeah, I quit the terrorists because I found out they
don’t put bacon on their pizza. ****in they don’t even have pizza.
Fran: This means I can go get the kids back. I sent them to
live with Grandma out in Alberta
because I just couldn’t cope with you gone.
Bob: Screw that. This is the one chance we have to have the
kind of life we had before the kids were born. We can go out to dinner at fancy
restaurants, go to parties, not to mention it’ll be a whole lot ****ing quieter
around here.
Fran: You’re right. Let’s go to Chez Pierre’s tonight.
Bob: Sounds good.
Closing credits.
Based on “Porcupine” by Meg Tilly.
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