TEN TIPS FOR KEEPING KIDS ALIVE WHEN YOUR WIFE MAKES YOU BABYSIT

Babylon Bee

 

Dad Guide: 10 Basics For Keeping Kids Alive When Your Wife Makes You Babysit

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Aug 14, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

 

Brought to you by: KingdomCare

 

As we all know, moms can occasionally be selfish and ask us dads to babysit our own children. Sad! If you ever find yourself in such an unfortunate situation, here are ten basics to keeping children alive until mom returns:

 

Food: Very helpful for survival. You can just spread some Cheerios around the ground, they'll take it from there.

 

Water: Luckily, chocolate milk is mostly water, according to science.

 

Bluey: Bluey can be the difference between life and death. Thousands of dads literally owe Bluey their lives.

 

Smacking the children with pillows: Pillow fights help maintain the familial hierarchy so necessary for survival.

 

Wood chips in the crib: In case baby needs to use the bathroom. It may not be pretty, but it will do until mom is back.

 

Addressing behavior issues by reading Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God: Easy peasy.

 

Physical activity: Tell them to run around the tree in the backyard until they get tired and the last one standing gets $5. It will be the best $5 you'll ever spend in your life.

 

Hygiene: Ensure maximum cleanliness by sending the kids outside and turning on the sprinkler system.

 

Safety: Be sure they're using blunt tip arrows if they attempt to shoot an apple off of each other's heads.

 

Sleep: Sing that old VBS song "Shut The Door, Keep Out The Devil." Horrifying, yes, but they'll keep that door shut!

 

Well, there you — wait, what's little Jackson doing over there?? Go, get him! Quit reading this article, hurry!