WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-BANCROFT

This is a place I'd like to see more of. My visits to Bancroft consist of picking people up or being picked up there and subsequently dropping people off or being dropped off there. I also stopped off at the Tim Hortons there on my way to Kilalu. I also went north of Bancroft to the pig roast at Grafite Bible Camp last summer.

Around here, Bancroft has a reputation for being a weird, hick town, which is funny, first of all because it's coming from the hick towns around here and second because Bancroft was the first town in this area to get a Tim Hortons and it also has more franchises other towns in this area don't have.

Several years ago, TV Ontario voted Bancroft best town for art or something like that.

They really need to work on their electricity problems, though.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-THE REST OF ONTARIO

Kingston: This southern extension of the Canadian shield is nice with all the limestone. The last few times I went there, it had a lot of nice shops and restaurants downtown, although I don't know what it's like now. It also has a great music scene.

Peterborough: Another great music scene and more interesting shops. Peterborough is one of the few places where the downtown is still busy. The Peterborough Zoo is always a hit, as well as the Indian River Reptile Zoo east of the city.

Toronto: As Jan Morris said, Toronto has just enough of everything. While not London, Paris or New York, it isn't Columbus, Ohio or Paduca, Kentucky either. There are just enough theatres, museums, ethnic restaurants, sporting events, and other attractions.

Hamilton: Spent some time there, but my exploration of the city consisted of going to Cops' Colosseum to see a Hamilton Bulldogs game when I lived in Brantford. I'd like to see more of this interesting city because it seems like a miniature Toronto, multiculturalism without the big city hassle.

Brantford: As stated in a previous post, I spent time there a while back. Didn't see much of the town of Brantford, but saw many of the surrounding area, such as going to the Simcoe Fair, the Simcoe Lights and other places. I'd like to go back there and explore Brantford and area more, but my impression from the time I spent there was that it was like southeastern Ontario in that all the towns are unique.

Bradford: A bit of a weird-seeming city, but anyone who visits has to check out the Bradford Marsh.

The Muskokas: Cottage country. Southeastern Ontario tries to be cottage country but the Muskokas have a lot more wealth and a lot more interesting things to do. They beat us to the punch.

New Liskeard: Has a bit of a wild west feeling. The French influence also helps make it interesting.

Killaloe: Located in the Ottawa Valley, this little town also has a wild west feeling. Definitely have to go back there someday.

Barrie Huronia and the Bruce Peninsula: This area proves money buys happiness. With it's fertile farmland, tourist industry and nuclear plant, there's an openness and a friendliness in the people. Statistically, there are lesser amounts of social problems than in other parts of the province.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-BOLT CASTLE

About 15 years ago my family and I took a daytrip to Kingston and went on the Thousand Islands cruise. Geographically speaking, that was nice. I got a good feeling, being out in the middle of Lake Ontario, knowing there were (actually more than) a thousand islands around us, many with unique features. Mainly, though, it was boring because I couldn't see them.

As part of our Thousand Islands cruise, we stopped off at Bolt Castle on the New York State side of the Thousand Islands. Now _that was interesting.

For those of you who don't know the story, which I assume is most of you, a wealthy industrialist named James Bolt wanted a vacation home for himself and his bride-to-be, so he imported a castle from the Rhine River and erected it on the island on which it presently stands, the name of which island escapes me at the moment. Partway through the project, the now Mrs. Bolt died and James abandoned the project in grief.

Never having been in a castle before, touring Bolt Castle was quite the experience. We walked through the great hall, stood on the tower and saw the rest of the place, or at least the parts completed before Bolt's wife's death.

One thing is for sure: Had James Bolt completed the rebuilding of this German castle and vacationed there with his family, he would not have had the kind of home where it would be possible to tell people, "Well gosh, we'd love to have you for the weekend, but we don't know where we could put you."

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-SOUTHEASTERN ONTARIO

I've lived in this little corner of Ontario, Canada all my life. Al Purdy's poem about the small towns above Belleville comes to mind.

Geographically speaking, southeastern Ontario has more versatility than one would think at first glance.

In the southern portion of Hastings County, there is the fair sized city of Belleville and the city of Trenton, home to a Canadian Forces airbase.

As previously stated, north of Belleville there are many small towns, as well as the Tyendenaga Mohawk reservation. Again, at first glance, all these small towns may seem to blend together, a closer look reveals they all have their uniqueneses and quirks.

I've always been awed by this areas location. We are halfway between Toronto and Ottawa and not that far away from Montreal. We're also about halfway between Peterborough and Kingston, the latter containing a U.S. border crossing.

Though there are many reasons why, especially as a blind person, this corner of one of Canada's first provinces frustrates me, geographically, it's always been a personal #1.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-INTRODUCTION

Several weeks ago I was invited to write posts in commemoration of World Geography Week, which took place November 13-19. I didn't get around to doing so, of course, but I would still like to write the posts I probably would have written anyway.

For a long time, I've had an interest in geography, the places in the world. As a blind person, you get an inward sense, a feeling for a place. The late comedian and blind travel writer Gord Painter understood this.

Despite my interest, I am not very well traveled. I live in southeastern Ontario and have been to a few different parts of this province. I've also spent some extended periods of time in Brantford and Hamilton, so I have a bit more knowledge of that area of southwestern Ontario as well than of other places. In addition, I've been to California twice on vacation, taken a day trip to Bolt Castle in upstate New York (pre 9/11 and Canadians needing a passport to get into the States) and spent a weekend in a suburb of Montreal.

I'd like to travel more. In 2014, I got a passport. However, my extremely limited income as an unemployed blind person and other challenges that come with not being able to see--such as getting to a train station or airport from my small town, prevent this.

Nevertheless, I continue to have a fairly strong interest in the goings-on, customs and cultures of different locales on this little blue planet of ours.

As you've probably guessed by now, I was an odd child. Whenever someone came over to our house, I would ask them about where they'd been outside of Ontario throughout their lives and get them to tell me about their travels. So few people have a passport. Though income limitations naturally prevent many from exploring the globe, its still a darn shame more people who are capable of doing so don't visit different places.

PARODY TIME-TODAY'S SPECIAL

TXL: Today’s special is Black Friday.

 

Open on the entrance to the store. Sam, Jodie, Muffy, and Jeff are standing near the entrance. A horde of shoppers are trying to get in.

Jodie: Those crowds seem really anxious and hostile. Are you sure you’re going to be able to hold them off, Sam?

Sam: Ah, don’t worry, Jodie. Holdin this badge in my arthritic hands, that’ll stop ‘em dead in their tracks.

Crowd: (From outside) Let us in. Let us in.

Jeff: Why do they want in so badly. I’ve never seen this many people, and this store’s usually really busy.

Sam: Well, it’s cause of Black Friday, Jeff.

Jeff: What’s Black Friday?

Muffy: Black Friday when the fat and lazy over deals get really crazy.

Jeff: What?

Jodie: See Jeff, down in the United States, all the stores have big sales on the day after American Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving is on Thursday, so they have the sales on Friday. The stores get into the black and make enough money to make a profit for that year on that day.

Jeff: But that sounds stupid, to depend so much on one day of the year to make enough money to cover your expenses.

Muffy: Don’t ask me how the system works. Right now I’m afraid of all these jerks.

Jeff: If it’s something the Americans do, why are we doing it? We’re in Canada.

Jodie: Because Canadians are going down to the States to take advantage of Black Friday prices.

Jeff: But the Canadian dollar has fallen so drastically. Why are Canadian stores still having Black Friday anyway?

Sam: That’s because the globalists are trying to make us more like Americans, ya see, Jeff.

(The crowd grows louder)

Muffy: Before we start this scam, I think it’s best I scram.

(The crowd breaks down the doors)

Sam: Hey there, you can’t come in. Black Friday won’t officially start for another 13 hours.

Shopper 1: Screw you, old man. You ain’t gonna stop me from getting no deals.

(The crowd surges forward. Sam is pushed to the floor. A woman screams.)

Screaming Woman: Aaahhh, a mouse! A mouse!

Shopper 3: I’ll get it with my umbrella.

(The shopper whacks Muffy hard with their umbrella.)

Muffy: I’m dying. … Can’t make the words rhyme anymore. … Love you all. … Sam, give TXL my cheese collection.

(Muffy dies)

Shopper 4: I’m gonna tell the health department about that, lady. Get you guys shut down. But not before I take advantage of these deals. I’ll take three dozen of these unlabeled computer games.

Jodie: All right. Three dozen unlabeled computer games at 30 percent off—

Shopper 4: It says 40 percent off in your flyer. You trying to screw us over or something?

Jodie: No, I’m—

(The crowd surges toward the cash register, shoving items to be rung up in no particular order. People drop things and start fighting. Other members of the crowd continue to surge forward, pulling things off shelves. The chaos continues, during which Jeff’s hat gets knocked off several times. Jodie keeps putting it back on.)

Sam: Help me. Help me.

Jodie: I’ll call the ambulance as soon as I’ve finished with all these customers, Sam.

Screaming Woman: Hey, cool, a lime green evening dress with purple stripes. This’ll be perfect to wear at the country club.

Later…

(The store is now empty and in a shambles.)

Jodie: Oh, thank goodness that’s over.

Sam: (Still from the floor) Jodie, Jodie, can you cash my pension cheque for me, pretty please.

Jodie: Yes, yes, in a minute, Sam.

Enter Waldo the Magnificent.

Waldo: Oh my gosh, what happened here? Did a hurricane strike the store?

Jodie: I wish, Waldo. No, something worse than that.

Jeff: Waldo, I have a favour to ask you.

Waldo: What is it, my boy?

Jeff: It’s a big favour.

Waldo: You’re my friend, Jeff. No favour is too big if it comes from you.

Jeff: Gee, thanks. See, I’d like you to take my hat and bury it at the bottom of the deepest place you know of.

Waldo: Why on earth would you want that, my boy? Then you could never talk and learn about the world from your friends, and there’d be no way you’d ever be able to become fully human without the magic hat.

Jeff: That’s the thing. After witnessing the wonders of Black Friday I’m not sure I want to be human anymore.

Waldo: Looking around this store, I’m not sure I want to be, either.

(Waldo takes the hat off Jeff’s head, pulls out a lighter and sets the hat on fire.)

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: SHORT AND MEDIUMWAVE NEWS

The weather band on my shortwave has been coming in really well the last few days.

Oh no! Alistaire Begg is on WRNO!

What happened to "Angler and Hunter Radio" and "The Motts" on CJBQ?

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: GOOD STUFF FROM CBC AND BBC

Was listening to WCCO tonight. Good to get some Minnesota flavor.

The episode of "Randy's Vinyl Tap" about songs based on books was very good. It was radio.

Been listening to the BBC World Service the last couple days. After hearing so much of the North American news in the last several months it's refreshing again to tune into a media outlet that's still focused on good news and quality reporting (although the Beebe has it's biases, too.)

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: STRATFORD ON SKYWAVE; WTWW STILL HAVING PROBLEMS

Have been picking up CJCS Stratford.

Cool Janet Parshall got a call from the Caribbean.

Don't like that new CBC show "Now Or Never." The hosts are too cheeky.

Still can't pick up WTWW 9475.

TBL'S CHRISTMAS AUDIO CARD

This is an entertaining, funny and heart-warming production distributed to patrons of Canadian Christian organization Talking Book Library. TBL narrates Christian titles from a variety of genres and distributes them for free through CELA for the enrichment, enjoyment and edification of Canadians with print disabilities.

Click here to listen to an online version of the audio card.

To sign up for TBL, contact them using the information at the link above, providing proof of visual disability. If you do sign up, you can receive a copy of TBL's Talking Audio Card with copyright material that couldn't be included in the online version

THIS SAME SEX COUPLE MET ON A CHRISTIAN DATING SITE

Bruce: I signed up for Christian Single because I was desperate and hopeless.

Ted: I signed up for the same reasons, but I was also drunk.

Bruce: I didn't really look at any profiles, mostly just hung out in the forums. That's where I found Ted.

Ted: I knew I wanted to meet Bruce almost as soon as we started replying to each other's forum posts.

Bruce: I checked out the events page and saw that some Christian Single users were hosting an event only 200 miles in either direction of where we both lived.

Ted: We arranged to meet up there.

Bruce: There was the meet and greet, and we saw each other across the room and nodded.

Ted: When we were in between greeting ladies and fending off questions about our stances on predestination, we managed to speak to each other and arrange a meeting for early the next morning.

Bruce: I snuck out of the room.

Ted: One of my roommates asked me where I was going and I simply said I was going off to the woods for some quiet time.

Bruce: We met in the woods, sat down on a tree stump and just started talking.

Ted: It was amazing. We liked so many of the same things, felt the same way about so many issues, had similar hopes and dreams for the future. We talked so long we even missed the morning prayer time/breakfast/purity lecture.

Bruce: We've met up several times since then, done a lot of different things on dates.

Ted: As for the future of this relationship, really, that's anybody's guess.

Bruce: But one thing's for sure.

Together: We owe all the good times to Christian Single

THE FIRST TRANSGENDER DAY OF REMEMBRANCE

The first Transgender Day of Remembrance was held exactly 8 million years ago today.

At a sight in what would later become southern Ontario, there lived a tribe of cave dwellers, one of which was a transgender woman named Grurk. Evidence of Grurk's self-identification can be seen in the fact the bear skin she wrapped herself in was brightly coloured, as well as by the designs on the feathers on the tips of arrows found near her body.

On this day in 7 997 784 BC, Og, the tribe law enforcer and marketing expert confronted Grurk.

"You act like woman. You man."

"No, me woman. Me only look like man on outside. Me woman inside."

"You no want hunt. You just want gather with the women. Stand and fight."

"Am already standing."

At around this time, both fire and the wheel had just come into existence. Og, angered at Grurk, picked up a wheel, heated it in the fire and threw it at Grurk, killing her almost instantly.

On the first anniversary of this event, all the members of the tribe that hadn't been eaten by animals, killed by neighbouring tribes or died of preventable diseases gathered to remember Grurk with a candlelight vigil, which, given the technology available at the time, amounted to sitting round the fire just as on any other night.

NO COLLECTION OF RECORDS COMPLETE WITHOUT IT!

New from Horton Music, it's "Best of the NSA." This several million track collection contains all your timeless favourites like:

"Mom, could you babysit? I gotta go into work."

"My pipes are leaking. How soon can one of your guys get here?"

and

"I totally, like, don't care what she says. She is so into my boyfriend."

Act now and receive a bonus log of metadata.

To order, say "Send me the album" the next time you're on the phone and a digital copy will be mailed to the address the National Security Agency also has on file.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-THE PROMOTERS OF PURITY CULTURE

Of first importance, those who promote purity culture never actually tell you what they mean by sex. Do they mean all sex, or just vaginal intercourse?

Indeed, many of them advise not even kissing before marriage, providing the false incentive that, if the young disciples wait and do as little as possible before tying the knot, the wedding night will be that much more spectacular.

Also, it is subtly frowned upon to do any further research into matters sexual other than what one was taught in school because this is seen as dirty and improper.

I ask you, person who has drunkenly clicked on this post while searching for something else, at what other thing in life is one expected to be absolutely great at the first time with little to no experience and only a rudimentary knowledge?

Further, the wedding night is often extolled as "the best sex you'll ever have." In truth, it will be the worst sex you've ever had because, if you save intercourse for marriage (as you should), it will, it goes without saying, be your first time. Fortunately, you and your significant other will have the rest of your lives to get good at it, and if you don't manage to get better by that time, you'll be dead and won't care anyway.

Incidentally, would someone please send me a bootleg audiobook copy of "Every Young Man" and "Every Young Woman's Battle." I so want to write a parody of the whole purity culture in general.

A thousand thanks in advance.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-THE MAINSTREAM AND ALTERNATIVE MEDIA

Well, that clinches it. I no longer wish to get into broadcasting after this Atlantic Ocean-sized puddle of mud slog known as the 2016 United States Presidential election.

Instead of doing the job it once at least sort of did, i.e. talking about issues, holding candidates to account, keeping somewhat of a rein on it's bias, the mainstream media contributed as much to as it covered the shananigans of the candidates. Mark 2016 as the year the mainstream media will go down in history as having died.

Conversely, those in the alternative media did one of two dumb, or at least less than prudent things.

On one hand, there were those (Alex Jones, I'm looking squar in your direction) who went all in for Trump, not reporting on who his friends and associates were or the organizations to which he and they belonged.

On the other hand, you've got those who are reporting on such things, and as they do with anything that happens that looks as if it might have positive implications for our side, treat it as a complete globalist ruse, inadvertently strengthening the power elite by saying they can never be hindered in their agenda.

Remember, God, Jesus Christ, is ultimately in control. Though there are many reasons to be caughtious about the Trumpster and those who will form the next United States government with him, I look at this as something ultimately allowed by the Almighty to give us hope and a bit of a reprieve to gather in more of the remnant. At least, it certainly seems like such a thing compared to what would have happened had Hilary Clinton been selected instead of Trump.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-INSTITUTIONAL CHURCH PASTORS

(This feature is back by popular demand, ... well, actually by unpopular demand, ... well, truthfully, by no demand whatsoever, except perhaps my own.)

With more and more Christians leaving the institutional church to find Jesus, institutional church pastors are getting angrier and angrier about this trend, if one can perfectly encapsulate huge numbers of people becoming alive in Jesus and throwing off the shackles of something that is just as systematic as most of the world's other religions with the word trend, that is.

Fiery exhortations issue forth from the pulpits against this, but such rhetoric is the reason these congregants are leaving traditional churches in the first place.

These Christians, dones as they are sometimes called, are characterized as ships without captains, and other such eloquent sounding garbage. They are pictured as drifting through life, directionless, undedicated to their faith, and, one assumes, lacking in spiritual growth.

However, such thinking does not explain, and indeed is totally refuted by the fact that, when followers of Christ leave institutional churches, they frequently start studying the Bible mor frequently praying more often and having deeper fellowship with other believers.

Incidentally, you have to laugh as well at the characterization of those outside the institutional church as lone rangers, those who, when hard times come, have no brothers and sisters to turn to for comfort and sucre. As if you get much of that in most churches. More like:
Brother A: How ya doin, brother?
Brother B: Well, brother, my wife has been diagnosed with a serious illness, I just got fired and have no prospect of finding another job anytime soon, my teenagers' favourite hobbies are stealing cars and beating up old people, and I feel depressed, regretful and wonder why God ever created me in the first place.
Brother A: Well, nothing's too bad as long as you have Jesus.

PARODY TIME-MARY ANNE'S BIG BREAKUP

MARY ANNE’S BIG BREAKUP

 

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s room. Mary Anne is looking through a shoebox full of cards and letters. Sharon enters.

Sharon: What do you have there?

Mary Anne: Everything I’ve ever written to Logan.

Sharon: Why do _you have them?

Mary Anne: He loaned them to me so I could re-create my journal. It was his idea. Can you believe he’s kept everything I’ve ever sent him? Isn’t that sweet? (Gazing down at the box) It looks like it’s all here.

Sharon: That’s extremely sweet. Logan is so tenderhearted.

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Sharon: I’m glad you found someone who’s so much like you.

Mary Anne: Sharon, do you think I’m wimpy?

Sharon: No, why would you ask such a thing? I mean, look at what you’ve gone through. You grew up without a mother. You had your father, but he was strict. Then again, the whole growing up without a mother thing can’t be good for anyone, no matter how great the father is.

Mary Anne: Well, I feel like I’m wimpy because I want to break up with Logan and play the field but I don’t think I can get up the courage to do it.

Sharon: Sure you can. You can dump that bastard like a bad habit. Also, I came in to tell you you’re five minutes late for your BSC meeting.

Mary Anne: I better go. (She runs out of her room) It’s just too bad I have to go through a bar to enter and leave the house.

She enters the bar. A guy starts running after her. “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga plays in the background. Mary Anne exits.

Jeremy: Bu bu bu bu bu bu bucker face. It’s buckerface.

Justin: Hey, Jeremy, you chasin that one in the purple?

Jeremy: Yeah.

 

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. Mary Anne runs in. Kristy is sitting in her director’s chair.

Kristy: Whoa, Mary Anne, who’s chasing you?

Mary Anne: Those guys from the bar we live behind. I was afraid I was going to be late.

Kristy: Don’t worry about it.

Mary Anne: You mean you don’t care if we’re late anymore?

Kristy: No, this club has pretty much gone to heck in a bucket anyway.

Stacey and Claudia enter and sit down. The phone rings. Claudia answers it.

Claudia: Hello, Baby-sitters Club. Hi Mrs. Rodowsky …. For next Saturday night. At five. OK, we’ll call you right back.

Mary Anne reaches under the bed, pulls out the record book and glances through it.

Mary Anne: Uh oh. No one is free next Saturday.

Claudia: That’s right. Stacey is going to be smoking pot behind the library, I’m going to be helping Mongrel and Weasel with the liquor store heist, Kristy’s going to be hanging out in the front part of my house, and Mary Anne’s got to take care of some witnesses from one of Mongrel and Weasel’s previous jobs.

Kristy: We’ll have to call up Logan.

Mary Anne: Ah, Logan.

Stacey: What’s the matter. You say his name like it’s something awful, like _school or _job.

Mary Anne: I want to break up with Logan and play the field.

Claudia: Why would you want to do that?

Mary Anne: Because it’s quite evident that his rich family isn’t going to give me any money

Stacey: Then by all means,you get out there, girl.

Kristy: I don’t know. I mean, are you absolutely sure his family isn’t going to give you any money?

Mary Anne: Pretty sure.

Stacey: Shouldn’t we call Logan and get back to Mrs. Rodowsky about next Saturday?

Kristy: No, I frankly lost interest in anything to do with this club anymore.

Claudia: Everything except this!

She reaches under her pillow and pulls out a coffee can full of pot. The girls cheer.

Stacey: How do you sleep at night with that thing under your pillow?

Claudia: I use these.

She opens her sock drawer and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills.

 

Scene 3

The Argo Diner. It is really the front room of a shabby looking house. An old tape of a CFL game plays loudly in the background. Logan and Mary Anne are sitting at a table with one leg missing. Mrs. Smith, the waitress and one of the proprietors slams the plates of food down on the table.

Mary Anne: Logan, we need to talk.

Logan: About what.

Mary Anne: Us.

Logan: Us? You mean you’re remedial spelling test. Like I told you, it is I t, the is t h e, us is u s, meaning u and s, not U.S. like the country, and a and I are just a and i.

Mary Anne: No, not that. I wanted to talk about our relationship.

Logan: What about it?

Mary Anne: Well, it seems like we always do what you want to do. You’re the one who makes all the decisions.

Logan: Well, where would you have liked to have gone for dinner tonight?

Mary Anne: Well, here. I mean this place is the best.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) Hon, get me a beer.

Mrs. Smith: (From the living room) Get it yourself. Cripes, you drink so much of it in one evening I should just get you kegs.

Mr. Smith: I can’t drink from those anymore after the doctor told me to stop because I’d gotten waterlogged so many times.

Mrs. Smith: Screw you.

Mary Anne: It’s just that, it seems like you never consult me on anything.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) That’s not it at all. Ten to one she just wants to play the field, the little bitch.

Logan: Is that what it is?

Mary Anne: Actually, that’s exactly what it is.

Logan: I’m leaving.

Mary Anne: Yeah, I’m done my food too.

They exit. Mrs. Smith comes into the front room.

Mrs. Smith: You forgot to pay for the food.

Logan: Screw you.

Mary Anne: If it’s any consolation, we weren’t planning to pay anyway.

 

Scene 4

The street in front of Claudia’s house.

Mary Anne: I just hope we can still be friends.

Logan: Still be friends?! Still be friends?!

Mary Anne: Yeah, like they taught me in remedial spelling class. S T I L B E E E F E N D S.

Logan: You want us to still be friends. In other words, you want to get together every couple weeks so you can tell me about all your problems with your friends and whatnot, because being your ex-boyfriend I know you more deeply than anyone. Then, after we’ve talked about those problems with your friends and things like that, you’ll drop me like a hot potato until the next time you need to talk to someone about how stupid Claudia is and how she always screws up the jobs Mongrel and Weasle give her to do.

Claudia comes running up to them.

Claudia: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Mary Anne: I just broke up with Logan.

Claudia puts her hand to her mouth and laughs.

Claudia: Let’s go inside.

Mary Anne and Claudia go into Claudia’s house. A police car speeds to a stop.

Officer: Darn, the bitch we were after for that liquor store robbery ran inside her house and we don’t have an arrest warrant. Let’s arrest this guy.

Logan: You can’t do that. I haven’t done anything wrong that you’ve managed to catch me for and plus, I’ll miss football practice tomorrow.

Officer: You’ve got kind of long hair. People’ll suspect you of something dirty. We’ll convince a jury for sure.

 

Scene 5

Claudia’s room. Claudia and Mary Anne are sitting on Claudia’s bed.

Claudia: Codeen or acid?

Mary Anne: Both, please.

Claudia: Definitely. Mescalen?

Mary Anne: Sure.

Claudia: Cocaine? Heroine?

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Claudia: Let’s go over to your house.

Mary Anne: Sounds like a good idea.

 

Scene 6

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing beside her locker. Some boys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: Hey, Mary Anne. We just thought you’d be interested to know we’re gonna hoist you on top of the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Let me guess. This is because I broke up with Logan.

Football Player 2: Exactly.

Mary Anne: Look, it’s like I keep saying. I wanted to play the field so I broke up with Logan. Isn’t that a good reason?

Football Player 1: But you broke his heart.

Mary Anne: Why do boys always have to stick together?

Football Player 2: Well, it’s not a matter of loyalty. We just want to hoist you onto the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Oh. … You want to go out sometime.

 

Scene 7

Logan’s house. Mary Anne knocks on the front door. Mrs. Bruno answers it.

Mrs Bruno: Hi, Mary Anne. How are you?

Mary Anne: Pretty good.

Mrs. Bruno: Logan’s at football practice but I don’t know what he’s going to do afterwords and I don’t know when I’ll be finished my bender so just leave whenever you want.

Mary Anne: OK. Where are the kids?

Mrs. Bruno: I don’t know where Kerry and Hunter are. Anyway, I have to go. Bye.

Mary Anne enters the house and opens the liquor cabinet. She gets out a bottle of brandy and sits on the couch. A brick whizzes past her head, narrowly missing her.

Mary Anne: Hey!

Kerry and Hunter enter.

Kerry: We just want to say that we don’t like you anymore because you broke up with Logan.

Mary Anne: I think we need to talk. Come sit down beside me.

Kerry and Hunter sit down beside Mary Anne.

Hunter: You don’t like Logan anymore.

Mary Anne: No, it’s not that I don’t like Logan anymore. It’s just … well, you ever known someone who loved someone, then they found out that someone didn’t own all the cool stuff they said they had, and you realized you weren’t going to play all the video game systems they had, or ride that horse they said they kept in the crawlspace under the stairs, and you still loved the person, but you wanted to find more people to love in hopes they would have the cool stuff you wanted?

Kerry: Do you mean like friends or like a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Mary Anne: I mean like a boyfriend and girlfriend. The someone I’m referring to still loved their boyfriend or girlfriend, but they want to find other boys or girls for the reason I mentioned earlier.

Hunter: Oh, you mean like Uncle Kevin.

Mary Anne: Yes! I mean exactly like your Uncle Kevin.

Kerry: I get it now. I’m not mad at you anymore, Mary Anne.

Hunter: I see it to, but the doctor says I have Child Sadism Syndrome so I’m still gonna beat you black and blue.

He proceeds to do so.

 

Scene 8

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing at her locker. The guys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: OK, we’re gonna hoist you onto the flagpole now.

The football players carry her into the gym and hoist her on top of the flag pole. They exit.

Mary Anne: Help! Help!

Horhay, the retarded illegal alien enters.

Horhay: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Mary Anne: Horhay, help me.(Horhay begins rattling off a Hitler speech in Spanish. He then pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the gym.) Hey Horhay, wanna go on a date sometime?

Horhay: Si.

 

Scene 9

The street outside Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne is standing in front of her house. Claudia comes up beside her.

Claudia: How was your date?

Mary Anne: It sucks. Who figures a poor person isn’t going to have any money?

Claudia: Well, I think I got the solution.

Claudia pulls a can of gas and a match out of her bag.

Mary Anne: Hey, good idea.

Mary Anne lights the can of gas and throws it at her house. The house burns to the ground over the closing credits.

Based on "Mary Anne's Big Breakup" by Anne M. Martin.

"Parody Time" will return in the new year with a whole new set of laughs.

PARODY TIME-NOWHERE WILD

NOWHERE WILD

 

Open on a street outside of a large wooden building. Jake is marched down the street and inside. The building is a makeshift courthouse. Three judges sit at the bench.

Judge 1: Gentlemen, lead the prisoner to the bench. (Jake is led to the bench) You, young man, are charged with a number of very serious crimes.

Jake: Like what?

Judge 2: Several counts of hunting without a license.

Jake: But my family and I were just trying to survive, then I was just trying to survive alone, then Izzy and I were just trying to survive and get here, where I thought we were going to be treated better than this.

Judge 3: Young man, the world may have been turned upside down by an unforeseen flu pandemic but the law is still the law.

Jake: What else am I charged with?

Judge 1: Several counts each of entry into forbidden wilderness areas and unsafe transport of a canoe.

Jake: Your honours, again, we were just trying to survive. I was lost.

Judge 2: You must be very lost indeed, son, in order to have committed so many crimes at your age.

Judge 3: We hope an undetermined amount of time in our makeshift prison will straighten you out.

Jake: Don’t I get to make a statement in my own defense?

Judge 1: We considered that but it might trigger memories for Izzy so we’re going to have to say no.

Jake: This is outrageous. What kind of future is this new world we find ourselves in going to have if this type of garbage is still going on?

Judge 2: Don’t make us tack on a charge of practicing medicine without a license. (Pointing to the men who brought Jake in) Guards, take him to the cells.

(They start to lead Jake toward the back door of the courtroom)

Judge 3: Hope we don’t have to see you back here.

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on “Nowhere Wild” by Joseph Beernink.

INTERNET STUFF

Why is Blog Talk Radio so hard for me to use now? Whenever I go on it to download a show the page keeps refreshing.

If you're going to have a food blog, please provide either a recipe index or at least a label saying "recipes."

It bugs me so many podcasts are only available on SoundCloud.

Why is it that so often, my Windows Media Player encounters problems while downloading big files?

Where did all the feeds for comments I left on Wordpress-powered blogs go?

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Picked up 1230 WSLN the other week with news, weather forecast and country music.

Picked up mixing product of 98.9 The Drive and 98.9 The Buzz tonight with music, commercials and IDs.

Milt Conway is dead. I remember his newscasts on Classical 96 and 103 FM on the weekends.

Heard weird hum on 1190 last night.

Loved Dean Johnson joking around with those two comedians on Saturday night. It was radio.

See Jenifer Lester-Molridge is back doing news weekends at Classic Hits and Cool 100 now.

PARODY TIME-DEAR GEORGE CLOONEY, PLEASE MARRY MY MOM

DEAR GEORGE CLOONEY, PLEASE MARRY MY MOM

 

Scene 1

Santa Anita. Violet, Rosie, Jennika, Lola, and Lucy are sitting in their seats. Violet and Rosie’s dad is at the rail.

Dad: Ah, this is the way to spend Christmas, going gambling. Come on, you **** horse. Oh, son of a gun, I knew you weren’t going to place, you worthless animal.

Violet: Dad?

Dad: What?!

Violet: Can we go home now?

Dad: Come on, faster, faster, faster!

 

Scene 2

The daycare. Violet enters. Rosie is sitting in the corner, sucking her thumb.

Violet: (To daycare worker) Why is she sitting in the corner?

Daycare Worker: She bit another girl.

Rosie: She shot me with a bibi gun.

Violet: That other girl shot her with a bibi gun?

Daycare Worker: I’m just the person in charge here. I don’t actually know anything about what goes on.

 

Scene 3

The hair salon. Violet and Rosie enter. Mom is at one of the work stations, cutting Amanda’s hair. Karen is standing at one of the other work stations, not doing anything.

Ingrid: Girls! Hi! How was school?

Violet and Rosie: All right.

Ingrid: Before I forget, you girls are going to be on your own for dinner tonight.

Violet: Why would that be?

Ingrid: I have a date!

Violet: Not another guy on Lavapit, please tell me that at least.

Ingrid: No, that sight has the hugest loosers on it. No, I met him in person. He came in for a haircut last week.

Violet: He gets his hair cut at a hair dressing school. How together can he possibly be?

Ingrid: Well, he’s probably OK.

 

Scene 4

Violet’s room. Violet and Rosie are watching through the window with binoculars.

Violet: Oh my gosh, he drives a banana yellow Toyoda Carolla … from 1970!

Rosie: Is that bad?

Violet: Very bad.

(Footsteps can be heard coming up the stairs.)

Ingrid: (From her bedroom) Violet, honey, could you answer the door, please. I’m trying to put on my face. I was sure I left it in the old hat box under the bed.

(Violet goes to the door.)

Violet: I hope he’s not ringing the doorbell. That thing’s broken.

(Violet answers the door. Dudley Weener is a fat, ugly man in a loud sweater.)

Dudley Weener: You must be Violet. Nice to meet you. I’m Dudley Weener.

(A loud ringing noise commences.)

Violet: You really shouldn’t have rung the doorbell.

 

Scene 5

Amanda’s shop. Violet and Phoebe are standing at the counter.

Violet: Come on, Amanda, you must know some good men.

Amanda: Well, I do know this one guy whose really into poetry, very intellectual, though.

Phoebe: Any others?

Amanda: Hmmm, let’s see. Oh, I do know an available guy who isn’t homeless. He lives in a shed on the other side of town. The distance would be quite a diminishing factor, though.

Violet: Well, if you do happen to think of any good single men that you know of could you please let me know soon? Mom is having Dudley Weener over tonight.

 

Scene 6

The apartment. A knock is heard at the door. Violet and Rosie answer it. Dudley Weener is standing at the door, a box in his hand.

Dudley: Hi, Violet. Hi, Rosie. I brought a present for the house.

Rosie: What is it? What is it?

Dudley: Well, open it and see. (Violet and Rosie open the box.) It’s some twisted pieces of metal I found on the side of the road. Do you like it?

 

Scene 7

The apartment. Ingrid, Violet, Rosie, and Dudley have finished dinner. Dudley picks up his plate and licks it.

Dudley: (With mouth full) That lemon chicken was fingersnappin’ goooood!

Violet: Well, you certainly ate every little scrap of it, two helpings worth, too.

(Violet’s mother shoots her a warning look.)

Dudley: Oh, absoflippinlutely. If I’m offered free food I always try to take as much advantage of the opportunity as possible.

Violet: Well, you do seem pretty cheap.

(Her mother shoots her another warning look.)

Dudley: You better believe it. I scrounge everything from garbage dumps and scrap heaps. My motto is if it’s worth paying for, I don’t want anything to do with it.

Ingrid: Why don’t you help me clear the table, Violet.

Violet: Rosie volunteered to clear the table.

Rosie: I sure did!

Violet: I’ll go into the living room and keep Dudley company.

(Violet and Dudley head into the living room. Dudley turns on the TV, flips it to the hockey game and turns the volume up as loud as it will go.)

Dudley: Go, skate, go.

Violet: So, Dudley, how---

(Dudley pushes Violet off the couch.)

Dudley: If I’m gonna keep datin your mother you better learn the rules. (To the TV) Go, skate, go.

(He repeats the preceeding phrase incessantly.)

 

Scene 7

Phoebe’s bedroom. The room is a complete mess. Violet and Phoebe are sitting on Phoebe’s bed.

Phoebe: So in other words we have to fix your mom up with another guy and fast.

Violet: That’s for sure. Who could we set Mom up with.

Phoebe: What men do we know?

Violet: Not very many. Besides, all the ones we do know who are single are all kind of teacher-like or weird.

Phoebe: Hmmm, maybe we should just set your mom up with a movie star or something.

Violet: Phoebe that’s it! I know just the perfect actor to set Mom up with: George Clooney.

Phoebe: That’s a great idea. I think he was married once before, but that was a long time ago. He’s into the environment and lots of other great causes and he’s really hot.

Violet: Well, on second thought maybe we should aim for a movie star Mom could actually get. George Clooney’s really busy, and the only way setting him up with my mom would actually work is if this were a book or movie or something.

Phoebe: Yeah, true. Well, your mom must know a fair number of actors from the days when she did hairstyling for films. Did she ever tell you about anybody we could possibly fix her up with?

Violet: Let me think. Hmmm … I know! David Benson!

Phoebe: Who’s David Benson?

Phoebe: One of the actors Mom used to do hairstyling for. She did his hair quite regularly, in fact. He used to do bit parts on local shows around here. There was a high school quiz show on TV here back in the nineties and he would model the prizes. He would do little skits on local telathons different stations would have for various causes. Then he started to really branch out, doing bit parts on local TV in Victoria and even some stuff for a station in Ottawa.

Phoebe: Wow, the nation’s capital!

Violet: Yeah, I know, eh!

Phoebe: What’s he doing now?

Violet: That’s the exciting part. I just saw him in a Nappa Autoparts commercial, on one of the American channels.

Phoebe: Wow!

Violet: And I even think he was in some Hollywood movie recently.

Phoebe: Well, this is good. He’s on the up and up, he cares about his career, he’s going places.

Violet: Exactly. And, he’s gotten work in the States so we know he has a bit of money.

Phoebe: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s find his home address or his management company address or something online and write to him.

Violet: Let’s find his phone number!

Phoebe: No, we should write him a letter, in the mail, the old-fashioned way. (Phoebe pulls her laptop from under a pile of clothes and turns it on) Let’s get to work on it right away.

 

Scene 8

The school gym. Mrs. Badelli is standing against one wall. The students are all assembled in the middle.

Mrs. Badelli: Today we are going to start our unit on line dancing.

John Paul Bouchard: Oh, is it 1994 already?

Mrs. Badelli: Now, I forgot my cd player---

John Paul Bouchard: Again I ask, is it 1994 already?

Mrs. Badelli: So just imagine music in your head and start dancing … now!

 

Scene 9

The apartment. Violet is sitting in the kitchen. The phone rings. She answers it.

Violet: Hello.

Karen: (Drunk) Hi Violet, it’s your mom’s friend, Karen.

Violet: Mom’s not here right now. Should I take a message?

Karen: No no no no no no no. I’m just calling to say thanks for friending me on Facebook. You’re awesome.

Violet: Are you hammered?

Karen: You better believe it, baby!

Violet: It’s only quarter to four in the afternoon.

Karen: So?

(A click is heard.)

Violet: Hello? Hello? (She hangs up the phone. It rings again.) Hello.

Jennika: Violet, hi, it’s Jenny. How are you?

Violet: I’m fine.

Jennika: Good. Listen, I’m calling about you girls coming down for March break.

Violet: Yes, Rosie’s really been looking forward to it. It’s practically all she talks about.

Jennika: Oh, well, here’s the thing. March break is also the week when the season really gets underway at Santa Anita.

Violet: Dad’s putting horseracing before his daughters again?!

Jennika: No, no dear. Your father’s given up trying to make a living betting on horses.

Violet: Then why does he care that March break falls during a busy week at the racetrack?

Jennika: Well, Ian figures his next big thing is going to be making money playing slot machines and he really wants to start into it the week of March break. I’m sure you can understand.

(A click is heard on the phone.)

 

Scene 10

The apartment. Ingrid, Violet, Rosie, Amanda, Karen, and Dudley are all sitting around the table eating dinner. Dudley is shoveling in his food.

Ingrid: (Tapping her water glass) Everyone, I have a big announcement. Dudley and I are getting married.

Violet: But Mom, how could you do this?

Ingrid: Honey, what are you talking about?

Violet: Mom, he’s a slob. As you are making this important announcement, he’s scarfing down his food like a pig. When we had him over for what was supposed to be Gustavsen girls night, he kept exclaiming, “This sucks” loudly all throughout the movie. He shows up at all hours, turns the TV up real loud and is downright mean to Rosie and me.

Ingrid: Violet, I know all those things are true but he fixed the doorbell and the washing machine and frankly in the state we’re presently in that’s all that matters.

Violet: I can’t believe this.

(She runs into the kitchen and picks up the phone.) Hello, is this North Star Management?

Male Receptionist: That’s what I just said, toots.

Violet: Good. My name is Violet Gustavsen. I wrote a letter to David Benson two months ago. Do you happen to know if he ever got it?

Male Receptionist: Well, if he ever did get it there’s no way he’ll be able to answer it.

Violet: Why not?

Male Receptionist: He’s been hit by a bus.

Violet: Why haven’t I heard about it, then?

Male Receptionist: Probably, kid, ‘cause there’s a lot more important things happening in the world every day. Turn on the news and see for yourself sometime.

(A click is heard.)

Violet: (Hangs up the phone) Someone must be talking about it somewhere. Maybe on the entertainment channel.

(Violet goes into the living room and turns on the TV.)

Anncr: … which leaves the country of Syria obliterated from the map. And finally this late breaking story. Hollywood famous person Jennika Gustavsen was found dead in the backyard swimming pool of her Los Angeles home tonight. Gustavsen had done bit parts in a few movies and TV shows, but she was mostly known as a reply girl on the popular online video sharing site Stuff Tube as well as being famous for being famous. Police found a note signed by the celebrity taped to the fence of the backyard. It said, “It’s all hopeless.” Gustavsen’s widower, Ian Gustavsen, had moved to Hollywood in hopes of achieving his dream of getting rich through gambling or else some get rich quick scheme.

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on "Dear George Clooney, Please Marry My Mom" by Susin Nielsen.