PARODY TIME-THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU

THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU

Open on a high school cafeteria. A female art teacher stands at the front behind a podium. A few students sit at nearby tables.

Art Teacher: Well welcome to poetry night. I’m quite excited to be the mc of this first-time event. Tonight, we’re going to hear poetry specifically written by our female students. (Looks at list) Our first reader will be Teek. Step up to the mic, Teek.

(Teek approaches the microphone, pulls out a piece of paper and begins to read.)

Teek: This poem is called “Me Saying Stuff.”

I’m saying stuff

Like why conform to what white society wants,

Let’s conform to

What black society wants instead.

Let’s do that

Even though what we think of black culture in this country

Has nothing to do with traditional African culture or values.

Let’s just put ourselves in another box

Make everything about race and oppression,

Not think for ourselves

And be swept along with the tide out to sea instead.

(Teek returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so outside of the box. Our next reader will be Marion.

(Marion steps to the mic and reads.)

Marion: This poem is called “I am the Best-looking Woman in the World.”

Man, I really am

The best-looking woman in the world.

I mean, wow!

There really is no woman on this planet

More beautiful than me.

I just had to write this poem

Because if I don’t constantly tell myself

As well as everyone else

How stunning I look

Then who will?

(Marion returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Marion. You’ve no idea how rare and gratifying it is to encounter a girl with your healthy level of self-esteem. Our next reader will be Xiang.

(Xiang steps to the mic and reads.)

Xiang: This poem is called “I May be Female but I’m Just Like a Man.”

I admire all the transgender superheroes

And other characters out there

Because, and I want to make this abundantly clear,

I am not trans at all,

Though I am, was and will always be a female

Till the end of time

And even beyond that

Still I am exactly equal to

And like a man in every way.

I am just like a man

Because I love cars

Or at least I know they exist

Which is exactly the same thing

As being a car guy.

Yet, I still am forced by society

To choose not to walk down certain streets at night,

Not out of fear of rape, robbery or murder

But because I might see a spider.

I am so afraid

Of those bloody things.

My mother has fallen into the female subservience trap.

The other day I asked her why she gave up her dreams

Of being a work-from-home wine critic,

And she had the unmitigated gall to respond

“So I could devote my time to caring for

You, your father and brother,

You ungrateful little brat.”

Well, I’m not going to turn out like her,

The stupid cow.

(Xiang goes back to her table.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Xiang. You truly will help enable womankind to live on Mars someday. Our next reader will be Anna.

(Anna steps to the mic and reads.)

Anna: This poem is called “Will Everyone Stop Obsessing Over Me Already.”

The other day I went to the coffee shop

To get me some java.

The girl behind the counter asked,

“Medium regular?”

Medium regular!

How did that serving wench

Know I was a lesbian?

I could tell just by the way she said that

That she’s totally obsessed

With this fact about me.

I can tell by the way everyone looks at me

And talks to me,

Just like her,

That they are totally obsessed

By my attraction to my own sex.

Well, just stop it already!

My sexual orientation

Is none of your business.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Anna returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Anna. You have an awareness of the way the world sees you that most people even slightly older than you don’t possess. Our final reader will be Jennifer.

(Jennifer steps to the mic and reads.)

Jennifer: This poem is called “Bad Hair Day.”

On the day we broke up

I had a lock of hair slightly out of place.

Thinking it over later

Of course this is the reason you said goodbye.

It couldn’t have been the way I never use deodorant,

Or don’t do anything whatsoever about my zits,

Or don’t practice much else in the way of personal hygiene,

Because those are all personal choices

I make for myself,

Whereas I couldn’t control that stray hair.

Art Teacher: Very good, Jennifer. Now if you could quickly go back to your seat, please, I would appreciate that. Well, audience dismissed. I guess I hope we can do something like this again sometime.

(The teacher and students exit.)

Closing credits.

Based on “Things I Have to Tell You: poems and writing by teenage girls” edited and compiled by Betsy Franco. 

PARODY TIME-GO ASK ALICE

GO ASK ALICE

 

September 30

Wonderful news, diary. We’re moving. Daddy has been invited to become the dean of basket weaving at another school in another town. Isn’t that exciting? Maybe it will be like it was when I was younger. Maybe Daddy will travel to Bangladesh every summer and we’ll get to go with him like we used to. Those were the fun fun times. I’m going to start on a diet this very day. I will be a positively different person by the time we move to our new town. Not one bite of chocolate or nary a French-fried potato will touch my lips till I have lost ten glumpy pounds of lard. Then I’ll eat chocolate and French fried potatoes like they’re going out of style and gain the weight back again.

 

October 10

I’ve lost three pounds and we’re busy getting sort of semi-organized to move. The house is up for sale and Mom and Dad have gone to look for a place in the new town. I’m staying here with Tim and Alexandria, and as much as you’ll be surprised, they don’t even bug me. We’re all excited about moving, and they do whatever I tell them about helping with the house and meals and such. Well, almost. I guess Dad will be taking over the new position at mid-term. He’s as excited as a little boy and its like old times. We sit around the table and laugh and joke and make plans together. Its great. Tim and Alex insist they have to take all their toys and junk. Personally, I’d like to get a whole new everything, except my books, of course. They are part of my life and plus it would be stupid to throw them all out and buy new copies.

 

December 14

I want to get Dad an office-warming gift for his new office, so he’ll put it on his desk and look at it and think of me, even when he’s in really really really important conferences with all the leading brains in the world, or whatever he does at his job.

 

January 1

Last night I went to a New Year’s Eve party at Scott’s place. The kids got a little wild. Some of the boys got drunk off milk. I went home early. I’m so excited about moving in two days I’m beside myself. I’m sure I won’t sleep at all for the next two nights. Imagine moving to a new house in a new town in a new county in a new state all at once. Well, I guess that’s what a lot of people do.

 

Scene 1

A drugstore. Alice enters and goes up to the counter.

Alice: I’d like a chocolate malt and a double order of French-fried potatoes, please.

Waiter: Sure. (He prepares the food. She takes it and goes to a table. The waiter comes and sits beside her.) You knew in town?

Alice: Yes. My family just moved here.

Waiter: I’ve lived here all my life. Did once meet a guy, though, who met Francis X. Bushman. You know who he was?

Alice: No.

Waiter: He was Hollywood’s first star. Never saw any of his movies, but meeting the guy who met him was interesting, though. Did I ever tell you about one of the times I took the bus to the doctor’s office?

Alice: No.

Waiter: Well, I walked to the bus stop, waited for the bus and got on. The bus drove past a house, then another house, then another house, then another house, then another house, then another house, through an intersection, past a convenience store, a little market … you’re starting to see them around a lot less. I go into these big supermarkets now and I stand there and ask where things are and the clerks show me. Funny thing is, I’ve just gotten in the store and haven’t started looking for things. So, anyway, the bus is passing the small market, and its passing and its passing and then it goes past another house, and an apartment building, and another house, and another house, and another house, and another house, and another house, and another house. When I’m on my lunch hour, I like to sit in the park. I sit by a tree. When people pass, I say, “So, going by the tree, eh?” I own this drugstore. When I go on my lunch hour, I hang a sign on the door saying Closed For Lunch Be Back At 1:00, but I never say a.m. or p.m. Sometimes I sit in the park for hours, even days.

Alice: Could I have a Hershey bar, please?

Waiter: Sure. (Alice and the waiter go over to the counter. The waiter gets the Hershey bar.) The thing I like about the Hershey bar is it’s the same since 1898. I used to eat these things all the time. I’d open it, then take a bite, then another bite, then another bite, then another bite. I used to play baseball. I’d go up to bat, then hit the ball, but only if it was pitched to me, or not, if I missed. I’d run around the bases sometimes. First, second would usually follow, then third.

(The waiter has failed to notice that during this last speech, Alice has paid for the Hershey bar and left the store.)

 

Scene 2

The living room of the new house. Alice and Gerda enter. She resembles a member of the East German Women’s Olympic swim team.

Alice: Mom, Dad, this is Gerda.

Mom and Dad: Hello, Gerda.

Gerda: Hi, Alice’s Mom und Dat.

Dad: So, Alice tells me you’re in grade 11.

Gerda: Yah. I have mine own car. My fadder says he might be able to get me a job demolishing condemned buildings mit mine body soon. Alice and I are goving out for a drive, cruisink avound and dat sort of think.

Father: Oh.

Gerda: Vell, see you later.

(Alice and Gerda exit.)

 

Scene 3

Outside of Alice’s house. Bridge Over Troubled Waters plays on the car radio.

Alice: That was fun. We should do that again sometime.

Gerda: Yah. (Gerda puts the pedal to the floor and crashes into the house next door. The car catches fire.) I’m OK.

 

Scene 4

The kitchen. Alice and Beth enter.

Alice: Mom, this is Beth.

Mom: Hi Beth. Its nice to meet you. How are you?

Beth: Can’t complain. Wouldn’t do any good anyway.

Alice: Beth is Jewish.

Mom: Really. So, what does your father do for a living.

Beth: He’s a doctor.

Mom: Really. That completely surprises me. I’d ask you to stay for dinner, but we’re having roast pork.

Beth: Oh, that’ll be perfect.

Mom: Good. Then, after dinner I’ll take you girls shopping.

Beth: Oh, great. I love gaining material things.

Scene 5

Beth’s bedroom. American Woman plays on Beth’s radio.

Alice: So, is the Jewish much different than are religion?

Beth: Yes. In our religion, we can do whatever we want because we believe God is stupid and that we are gods and will rule the world someday.

 

Scene 6

Beth’s bedroom. Long And Winding Road plays on Beth’s radio.

Beth: My mom makes me go out with Jewish boys. They are her friends sons. They complain all the time because that’s what we Jews do, but its good because they have no backbone so you can treat them however you want. One of these nights, I’m going to set you up with “a nice Jewish boy” as my mother would say.

Alice: Oooh, I’d like that.

Beth: Yeah, he’ll love it too because you’re not Jewish and we regard all non-Jewish women as whores.

 

Scene 7

A porn theatre. Alice, Sammy Green, Beth, and Himy Finklestine are sitting in their seats. Sammy keeps trying to touch
Alice.

Sammy: My hair hurts. My face hurts. This pop is too warm. This popcorn is too cold.

Alice: I can’t watch this, Beth. I’m going to the lady’s room.

Beth: Oh, yeah, neither can I. I’m coming with you.

(They make their way to the lady’s room. After a few minutes, Sammy and Himy bang on the door.)

Sammy and Himy: Hey ladies, come out come out wherever you are. We’re going home.

(Alice and Beth come out of the lady’s room. The four of them walk out to Sammy’s car.)
Sammy: So, what did everybody think of the movie?

Himy: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Sammy: Yeah, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

 

June 18

Today I received the ghastly news that Beth is going to have to go away to summer camp for six weeks this summer. Her folks are going to Europe for the summer and they are sending her to Camp Concentration.

 

Scene 8

Jill Peters’ house. Alice enters. There is a party going on. Afton’s “First Day of Summer” album plays on the record player.

Alice: Hi, everyone. I brought my autograph book.

Jill: Alice, glad you could make it. Here, have a Coke.

Alice: Thank you. (She opens the Coke and drinks from it. Jill passes out Cokes to the other kids and they do the same. Alice starts laughing wildly. She sees blue, yellow and purple patterns going across the ceiling.) (In her head) These are so beautiful. I just have to share them with the others. (Out loud) A ga ga ag ga ag ga ag ga ga ag ga ga, oooooo. Ag ga ga ag ga ag du mu dunha mujuvirbridkh nun mazzzorogrorowo. (In her head) I’ve found the true and original language. This music is so beautiful.

(She starts seeing illusions. She starts dancing.)

 

Scene 9

Jill’s grandma’s guestroom. Alice and Jill enter.

Alice: So, what was with that Coke?

Jill: Oh, that was special Coke my dad brought home from South Africa.

Alice: Oh.

Jill: And it had acid in it.

Alice: Oh.

 

Scene 10

An abandoned field. Alice and Bill Thomson are sitting in Bill’s car.

Bill: Alice, have you ever tried torpedoes?

Alice: No.

Bill: Well, try some. (He hands her some. She takes them. She starts hallucinating.

 

Scene 11

An abandoned field by an airport hangar. Alice and Bill are sitting in Bill’s car.

Bill: Hey, Alice have you ever tried speed?

Alice: No.

Bill: Would you like to try some?

Alice: Sure.

Bill: OK, then (pulling out the needle) I’m going to have to give you a shot. (He fills the needle and injects it into her arm.) Hey, Alice have you ever flown a jet airplane?

Alice: No.

Bill: Then come on. (They get out of the car and go into the hangar. Bill opens the door of a jet plane.) Get in the pilot’s seat. I’ll be your co-pilot. Just put the key in the ignition, then push on the throttle. (The plane taxies down the runway and takes off. The plane flies crazily for a while.) Hey, Alice have you ever gone skydiving before?

Alice: No.

Bill: Then … we’re over a clearing right now. Head for those trees over there. OK, now strap your parachute on. (They strap their parachutes on.) Now, open the door and one … two … three. (They jump. The plane flies crazily for a while longer and then crashes in flames.)

Gerda: (From the flaming wreckage) I’m OK.

 

Scene 12

Bill’s house. Bill, Alice and six other kids are sitting on the living room floor. They have just dropped acid.

Alice: (In her head. Examining her hand) Wow, my hand is so intricate. All the muscles and cells and bone. (She picks up a box of matches, takes one out and lights her hand on fire.) And it’s always been on fire. I never noticed that before. Thank you, acid.

(She kisses her hand.)

 

Scene 13

Alice’s grandmother’s garden. A tapping is heard at the back gate. Alice’s grandmother answers it. Alice is standing there with her aunt, uncle and cousin.

Gran: John, Judy, Roger, how nice to see you.

John: We heard about your husband’s heart attack and wanted to come over to see him.

Gran: How nice of you. Come in. Alice, how about you and Roger go into the kitchen and get some drinks and chips and dip.

Alice: OK.

(They go into the kitchen, get the drinks, chips and dip and come out into the garden again.)

Roger: (To Alice) I’m going to military school for the next year and a half. Then I want to become an engineer for the military. I want to make a more powerful napalm and I’ve got some ideas about agent orange, too. I want to make it red and purple and yellow and blue.

Alice: Wow, its like something out of Jules Vern.

 

Scene 14

The dining room of Alice’s house.

Mom: Alice, you’ve got to eat something. You haven’t even touched your lamb chops. I thought they were one of your favourite dishes.

Alice: I haven’t touched them because you didn’t cook them.

Mom: Oh. (Picks up the lamb chops) This letter came for you today from Roger.

(She hands her the letter)

Alice: (Reading) Dear Alice,

Every day that goes by you leave me wondering if you’re all right. I am very concerned about you. I really care about you. If something were wrong with you I don’t know what I’d do. I am tormented with worry.

 

So, Alice please answer me this one question: are you all right?

 

All My Love

Roger

(Writing) Yeah.

 

Scene 15

The living room. Alice enters.

Alice: I’m so glad the doctor gave me these tranquilizers.

(She takes one. There is a knock at the door.)

Mailman: Hi, Alice. There’s a letter here for you from your Eastern Bloc pen pal Zlepvina.

Alice: Thank you. (She takes the letter and reads) Dear Alice,

Ourpresident, who was elected in our first democratic election recently has been overthrown and replaced by the brutal dictator Vecrema Dribarka. He is planning no changes, except to totally cut our country off from the rest of the world. It will also continue to not have a name. In celebration of his win, Dribarka is killing everyone.

 

The previous government’s death squads also continue to go from house to house killing everyone. They are burning down houses. They are almost at ours.

 

The crops were bad again this year. As a result, we have no food.
The water is still bad also so we have no water either. We have not eaten or drunk anything in eight years.

 

My permanently drunk uncle is staying with us for an undetermined period of time. He has beaten us severely and smashed everything in the house.

 

I continue to suffer from lice, tooth decay, severe pain throughout my entire body, a stabbing sensation in my foot, shingles, scabies and calloused heels.

 

The landlord was by this morning to take all our money.

 

As always, our family lives with the stigma of having the reputation for being the most dishonest, vulgar, slovenly family in the history of our land, which will only become even more superspectacular under our new dictator, who is bringing progress and is not just our leader to punish us for daring to hold a democratic election, and I’m not just saying that because he is standing over me holding a hot poker to my neck and pouring boiling hot oil over my head.

 

Write back soon.

 

Sincerely Yours,

Zlepvina Mijnvaablrumjakroooncefvojzynua

Neat. (She begins to write) Dear Zlepvina,

     Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Right on. Death is truly in the sunrise and Fay is riding a train. If we eat butterflies. The man in the shirt. Little baby Martians will come out of the UFO‘s. Hold me as a material witness, OFFICER, I’m guilty of somersaulting. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo PBEcause there’s three os in yahoo{.

     The sidewalks of dry wall being TOOOOO,OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the thing a the is and a the and is the a a is is IS )the liquid buildings of hippopotumusssesiy_

 

 

 

 

Sincerely MmEe,

The Legion Of quicksand

P.S. If your uncle likes booze so much I bet he’ll love torpedoes. I am enclosing some.

 

Scene 16

Richie’s house. The Bigroup’s album “Big Hammer” plays on the record player. Alice, Richie, Chris, and Ted are sitting in the living room.

Richie: I just discovered this new drug. Its called torpedo speed benny’s. Hey, Alice do you want to try it?

Alice: Sure. (They all try the drug. Alice picks up a peanut from a bowl on the coffee table.) Wow, are these peanuts ever salty.

Richie: Yeah, they’re those new salt peanuts.

Alice: Oh.

Richie: (Calling) Irving, Irving, Irving (A big-horned sheep comes out of the bedroom) Come on, let’s walk on him.

(They walk on Irving. Everyone except Alice eventually gets off. Irving heads for the door and goes out.)

Alice: Yippee.

 

Scene 17

Alice’s house. Richie and Alice enter. Alice’s parents are sitting in the living room.

Alice: Mom, Dad, this is Richie.

Mom and Dad: Hello, Richie.

Dad: So, Richie, what do you plan to do with your life?

Richie: I plan to finish college and get a respectable job of some kind. I also plan to get married and have children.

Dad: Exceptional.

Richie: Well, I have to be going now.

Dad: So long, Richie.

Mom: See you later, Richie.

Dad: That young man seems like a nice, clean-cut, respectable boy.

 

Scene 18

An apartment. Alice, Chris and the landlord enter. When the landlord opens the door, it swings crazily on its hinges and almost falls off.

Landlord: Well, there goes that bet with myself. This is one of my fine apartments. This is the living room/dining room/sitting room/parlour/den. Ha, ha, I love to tell that joke. This is the kitchen, which comes with a stove, of course. I love to tell that joke, too. (He turns on the stove and flames shoot out) You’re going to want to fix that. This is the bathroom (As they enter the bathroom, the bathtub falls through the floor) Don’t worry about that. Mr. Manson down the hall will let you bathe at his place.

Chris: Do you mean Charles Manson?

Landlord: Yes.

Chris: Groovy! I have all his records.

Landlord: So, are you going to take it?

Chris: I guess. We have no choice.

 

Scene 19

Shelia’s apartment. Shelia, Alice, Chris, Orson Welles, Walt Disney, Jimmy Durante, Katharine Hepburn, and Bob Hope are sitting around smoking marijuana.

Bob Hope: This reminds me of the time Carmen Miranda and I got high together. I ate all the fruit off her hat.

Katharine Hepburn: Yes, I have the munchies, too, but Orson Welles is eating up all the food.

Orson Welles: (With his mouth full) Muuuuooooooom.

Walt Disney: Hey, Alice, its me, Mickey Mouse, as a hummingbird. I’m going to drink nectar out of your head.

(He proceeds to do so.)

Alice: I knew moving to California was a good idea.

Chris: Yeah. Who’da thought the little town of California, just a thirty minute drive from where we used to live, would give us such cool experiences.

 

Scene 21

A psychiatrist’s office. Alice enters.

Psychiatrist: OH, Alice, hi. I’ve been expecting you. Have a seat. So, what have you come to see me about again?

Alice: I was referred here by my mother because I got caught smoking pot.

Psychiatrist: Really. Tell me all the details. I remember smoking pot at Woodstock. It was wonderful. Do you have any on you?

Alice: No. Wait a minute. Woodstock! That was just last year. No offense, Doc, but you don’t look young enough to have attended Woodstock.

Psychiatrist: No, not Woodstock ’69. No, I was referring to Woodstock ’49. No one knows about that one. My, it was wonderful. The big bands reformed, there were cowboy singers, sea chanties, blues, rhythm and blues. We really stuck it to the segregation man there, I’ll tell you. But, ah, where was I? Oh yes, from whom did you obtain this marijuana, where does he usually operate, what hours does he keep, and how would you rate it on a scale of one to ten? Now, I realize these may be difficult questions to answer, Miss Fictitious, but answering is the only way your case, and indeed, psychiatry as a whole can proceed forward.

 

Scene 22

Denver. Alice is walking down the street. Stan Firm comes up to her.

Stan: Hi.

Alice: Hello. How are you?

Stan: I’m fine. How are you?

Alice: Great. Hopefully things will be better now that I’ve run away from home.

Stan: Why’d you run away from home?

Alice: Because my parents were constantly nagging me about my hippy lifestyle and the fact that I use drugs.

Stan: Oh, what drugs do you use?

Alice: Acid, pot, torpedo speed Benny’s, uppers.

Stan: Have you ever sold?

Alice: Yeah, pot and acid.

Stan: You know what there’s a lot of money in?

Alice: What?

Stan: Raw milk. Do you wanna become a raw milk dealer?

Alice: Sure. OK.

Stan: Great. My name’s Stan. What’s yours?

Alice: Alice.

Stan: Well, follow me to my place and I’ll get you the stuff.

 

Scene 23

A house. Alice approaches the house with the raw milk just as the police are busting it.

Police Officer 1: (Dragging a man out of his house and beating him along with another officer) We’ll teach you to drink raw milk.

Alice: I’m getting out of here!

 

Scene 24

Portland. It is raining. Alice is walking down the street. She sees a clinic. She enters.

Alice: Hello.

Receptionist: Hey, man. What’s your hang-up.

Alice: I have a cold.

Receptionist: Well, walk right into Doc Benway’s office. Appointment books, schedules are just a waste of time. You shouldn’t have to be repressed by your cold just because you didn’t book an appointment.

Alice: Thanks. (She walks into Doctor Benway’s office) Doctor Benway?

Doctor Benway: Yes.

Alice: I have a cold.

Dr. Benway: Oh, well, the fuzz has cracked down so I can’t give you any pot, but I do have sea salt, direct from the ocean, and curry powder, direct from the Far East. They contain minerals and other ingredients to boost your immune system, thereby making your body able to fight off the cold.

Alice: Thanks. I don’t have any bread.

Dr. Benway: That doesn’t matter. Just pick me up a loaf of whole wheat and a loaf of rye when you can.

 

Scene 25

Portland. Alice is walking down the street. Doris comes up to her.

Doris: Hi, my name’s Doris.

What’s yours?

Alice: Alice.

Doris: Do you do drugs?

Alice: Yes.

Doris: Wanta be friends?

Alice: Sure. Do you live with your parents?

Doris: No. See …

 

Flashback

Scene 26

A school gym. Students are on the floor in their gym clothes.

Teacher: OK, gosh darn it, get your lazy flipping butts up and flipping exercise. I wanna see sweat coming out of those pores, and I mean trickling like a pleasant mountain stream.

Doris: Miss, I can’t do the exercise.

Teacher: Why not?

Doris: Well, you see, one of my ears is bigger than the other, not much bigger, but enough that you would notice it if you were looking through an electron microscope.

Teacher: Oh, and whose responsible for this?

Doris: My mother’s boyfriend. His physical abuse of me is what caused this.

Teacher: Well, we better get you under an electron microscope and have a look.

 

Scene 27

The science lab. Doris is lying under the electron microscope.

Teacher: You’re right. We better get you into a foster home.

 

Scene 28

The living room of the foster home. Doris and her four brothers are sitting on the couch and in chairs.

Brother 1: Hey, Doris, why don’t you cut down a tree with a herring.

Dorris: Stop it. Those are the kinds of hurtful thing Mom’s boyfriend used to say.

Brother 2: Take off your shoe. I want to read the paper.

Doris: Stop it! Stop it!

Brother 3: That bucket is really tall.

Brother 4: Yeah.

(Doris runs from the room screaming)

 

Scene 29

Jane’s apartment. Jane and Doris are sitting in the living room.

Doris: Oh, Jane, you’re my only real friend.

Jane: (Laughing maniacly) Why don’t you cut down a tree with a herring.

(Doris runs away screaming)

 

Present

Scene 30

A truck. Alice and Doris are sitting in the cab.

Driver: So, where are you girls headed?

Alice: Southern California, to the big hippy rally.

Driver: Really?

(He then proceeds to beat Doris. She starts crying. He stops beating her, then resumes after a while. Doris starts crying again and he again stops.)

Doris: Hey, Alice, want to switch places?

 

There follows a montage of hippies dancing around with rice crispy squares and Tang.

 

Scene 31

The backyard of the house where the hippy rally is taking place. Alice and a white-faced girl are lying side by side.

Girl: I’m pregnant.

Alice: Oh. What are you going to do with it?

Girl: Gonna keep it. It will be everyone’s. We will all share it.

Alice: Well, I hope you’re going to raise it specesless. That way, baby can decide whether they want to be an animal, vegetable or mineral for themselves.

 

Scene 32

The living room of the house in southern California.

Alice: Carl, I need a fix. Could you get me some coke?

Carl: I will if you do one little thing for me.

Alice: What’s that?

Carl: Become a raw milk dealer.

Alice: No, anything but that.

Carl: Well, its quite simple, really. No pushing the creamy gold, no cocaine.

Alice: OK, I’ll do it.

 

Scene 33

The living room of the house in southern California.

Hippy 1: OK, Alice, you’ve gotta do this if you want to become a true hippy.

Alice: What?

Hippy 2: Walk into a French restaurant, order a meal and ask for salt.

(Alice gasps)

 

Scene 34

Chez Mohammed’s. Alice enters and sits down. A waiter walks over.

Waiter: Bonjour madamoiselle. What would you like to eat.

Alice: I will have Le Salade, Le Hamburger and the Le Gateau Avec. What is that, exactly?

Waiter: That is a cake with everything else on the menu added to it.

Alice: OK, that sounds good.

Waiter: Excellent choices.

Alice: Say something in French again.

Waiter: Certainly. Le pomme mange le stylo.

Alice: Wow. And, could I have salt on Le Hamburger.

Waiter: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You stupid Americans, you want salt on your food, your mother was a human-size bottle of soy sauce and your father was the world’s smallest container of onion dip. We will never associate with you again, unless we need you to fight a war for us. But, since you are so pretty, I will get you your salt.

 

Scene 35

Our Lady Of Perpetual Need. There is a big offering box in the vestibule, the chapel and the hall. Alice enters, walks through these rooms, then goes downstairs. She sees an office with a sign on the door saying Beware The Calugo. She knocks.

Reverend Gomer Matlock: Come in.

Alice: Hello. My name is Alice. I was hoping I could talk to you.

Rev. Matlock: Go right ahead.

Alice: Well, I fell in with the wrong crowd and got involved in selling and doing drugs. I ran away from home last November to San Francisco. Then I returned home, then got involved in using drugs again. My friend’s parents caught my friend and I smoking pot, so I ran away to Denver, then Portland, then came here for the big hippy rally a while back. I’ve become a prostitute and a raw milk dealer.

Rev. Matlock: Well, do you want me to call your Dad to come and get you?

Alice: Yes, please.

Rev. Matlock: OK, what’s your phone number?

Alice: 1-000-000-0000.

(Reverend Matlock pulls a gun out of his pocket, which he mistakes for a phone and shoots himself in the foot eleven times.

 

Scene 36

The hallway of Alice’s school. Alice is walking down the hall. Monty comes up to her.

Monty: Hey, Alice, got any dope?

Alice: No, Monty. I don’t deal or use dope anymore. I have become clean, and from now on I’m going to concentrate on my schoolwork and get good grades and be nice to my family and make good, respectable friends.

Monty: Oh, man, I need some dope. (He starts shaking, then howling like a wolf. He pulls a gun out of his pocket, which he mistakes for a phone and shoots himself in the foot seven times.) Hello, Weeds, how much do you charge? … No, per gram. … You remove weeds, you don’t sell dope? … Oh, man.

 

Scene 37

Alice’s father’s office. Alice runs in.

Alice: Dad, Dad, someone put a joint in my purse.

Dad: Here, give it to me. (Alice hands him the joint and he throws it into the fire) Now, Alice, you’ve got to be strong. Kids will keep doing these things, but you have to not give in. You have to act like an adult. You can’t come running into my office every time something like this happens. You have to just be mature and throw it away. (He and Alice start laughing) So, in the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give in and act like an adult.”

Alice: Dad, Winston Churchill didn’t say act like an adult.

Dad: Oh, you’re right.

(They laugh hysterically)

 

Scene 38

The kitchen of Mrs. Larson’s house. Alice is babysitting. Jan enters, smoking a joint.

Jan: Yeah, let’s get this party started. (She pulls out a Jimmie Hendricks record and puts it on the record player) Come on, Alice, smoke some. It’ll be just like it was when we used to hang out in the old days.

Alice: No, get out.

Jan: Woooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo.

Alice: I’m going to call your mother to come and get you. I’ll use Mrs. Larson’s phone. That gun gag has pretty much spent itself. (She dials) Hello, Mrs. Jones. Your daughter is here. She is smoking dope and listening to Jimmie Hendricks. Please come and get her. … OK, bye. (She hangs up the phone, then takes the record off the record player. From the bedroom, the baby starts crying.)

Baby: waaaaaa, waaaaaaa, waaaaaaa, want more Hendricks.

Jan: (Screaming) Shut up, baby. You sound like a women’s studies major.

Scene 39

Mrs. Larson’s kitchen. Alice enters.

Alice: So, the baby’s fine, … oh, Mr. Larson must have left this Klondike bar for me. (She eats the Klondike bar. Fade into a commercial.)

Singers: What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Anncer: Would you stand on one foot? (Stands on one foot) Would you walk backward? (Walks backward) Would you freak out like you were on an acid trip? (Alice is shown trying to dial the phone. She starts seeing psychedelic colours. She screams. A neighbour and her gardener come over. They lock her in the closet. She tries to tear the plaster off the walls in an attempt to get out.) Klondike Bars, available now in your grocer’s freezer.

 

Scene 40

The insane asylum. Alice and Babby are walking back to their rooms.

Alice: What’s your name?

Babby: Babby.

Alice: What are you in here for?

Babby: Well, its like this.

 

Flashback

Scene 41

A movie theatre. On the screen:

Two spaceships are going across the plains of the old west. A man, dressed up like a surfer and a woman are standing on the ground.

Man: I tell ya, baby, surfing is my life, and if I can’t have that because you want to give it up, I’m going to jump off this prairie and kill myself. (He jumps) I am dead now because I jumped. I committed suicide.

Man: Wow, just like in the real old west. Hey, you, pretty girl, what’s your name.

Babby: Babby.

Man: Well, who I am is not important. I’m your friend. (He steals her unopened chocolate bar) Do you need anything?

Babby: I need money to get out of here.

Man: Sure, I just need you to sell some raw milk for me first. That’s what a friend would do before he lent another friend money at 75 percent.

Babby: OK.

 

Scene 42

Los Angeles. Babby is walking down the street. A woman comes up to her.

Woman: Hi, do you need a job?

Babby: Yes.

Woman: Then I have a job for you. Let’s go into this bar and discuss it. (They enter the bar and sit down) Hey, bartender, where is everyone?

Bartender: Oh, they’re out back hanging some lousy queer.

Woman: Oh. Then we shall just find another, more crowded place to discuss our business. Good day to you.

(They exit.)

 

Scene 43

The woman’s apartment. Babby and four other girls are standing around, listening very intently to the woman.

Woman: So, you girls will be servicing the men. (A knock is heard at the door) There’s the first one now.

(The woman opens the door)

Man: I’m here to rescue all these girls. Come with me.

Woman: The magic plastic grocery bag said there’d be days like this.

 

Present

Scene 44

Alice’s room in the insane asylum. It is night. A woman is making sounds down the hall, such as thunder, the ocean, a jackhammer, a can being opened, and a busy signal. Alice shakes with terror.

 

Scene 45

The lawn of the insane asylum. Alice, Babby, Tom and some other kids are lying on the grass.

Alice: So, Tom, what are you doing here?

Tom: Well, I was a straight A student in junior high. Last year, when I graduated grade 9, my friends and I sniffed glue to celebrate.

 

Flashback

Scene 46

Tom and his friends are sitting on the living room floor of his house, laughing with empty bottles of glue beside them.

Tom’s Father: (From upstairs) What are you kids doing down there?

Tom: Nothing.

Tom’s Father: Don’t make me come down there. (They laugh some more. Tom’s father enters the living room) Oh, you’re sniffing glue. Well, feed the piranha before you go to bed.

 

Scene 47

New York. Alice’s father, mother, Alice, Tim, and Alexandra are walking down the sidewalk. People keep offering them drugs. They get on a subway, which is crowded, and end up standing by an old fat lady holding onto a strap.

Old Lady: If I were sitting, I’d give up my seat for you.

Tim: If you were sitting, you’d give three seats for us.

Mom: This is kind of a special trip for us. Our daughter’s just been released from the insane asylum.

Old Lady: That’s nice. Wanna buy some creamy gold?

 

Scene 48

Fawn’s house. Alice, Fawn, her father Buck, and her mother Doe are sitting on the patio.

Alice: I’m so glad you invited me over, Fawn.

Fawn: You’re welcome. My sisters and I do water chicken dance. Want to see?

Alice: Sure.

(Fawn jumps from the patio into the pool and starts doing the chicken dance)

 

Scene 49

The kitchen of Alice’s house. Alice enters.

Alice: I think I’ll overdose on drugs and kill myself. That way, no one can prove whether or not this whole thing actually happened.

(She opens the cupboard, takes out a bottle of pills and swallows them all. She then disappears. Her parents enter.

Mom: Hey, kids, we’re back from the movie. Hmmm, Alice is gone. Its like she never existed.

Dad: Beam me up, Scotty.

(He rises and disappears)

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on “Go Ask Alice” by Beatrice Sparks.     

PARODY TIME-HERE'S TO YOU, RACHEL ROBINSON

HERE’S TO YOU, RACHEL ROBINSON

 

Scene 1

Miss Lefferts’s class.

Ms. Leferts: The three things you need to make a biography come alive are drug addiction, domestic abuse and extramarital affairs. So now that we’ve come to the end of our unit on biographies, I have an assignment for you. (Walks across the room) I want you to write a biography of Ben Shapiro, not an _autobiography, but a biography. Who can explain the difference? (Puts cigar between her teeth Max Wilson raises his hand.) Yes, Max.

Max: Autobiographies are written in cars.

Ms. Lefferts: Precisely. (A knock is heard at the door) Oh, the substitute French teacher has arrived. Come in.

(The French teacher enters)

Mr. Hufman: Hi, I’m Mr. Hufman. You know what, I’m gonna be totally honest with you, I don’t know one word of French so you can have this period as a study hour. That’s the life of a substitute teacher, he’s a fraud. He pretends to know stuff but doesn’t have a clue.

(Mr. Hufman exits.)

 

Scene 2

The house. Jessica is in a car with her friends, ready to go to her junior prom.

Hlin: Drive carefully!

Jessica: We always do.

(They speed away from the house)

 

Scene 3

The beach.

Allison: Tell me more about Charles.

Rachel: Well, he’s violent and always threatening people.

Steph: And he has a great sense of humour, that is, when he wants to. And he’s extremely cute.

Allison: Really? I didn’t know he was cute. If Charles comes home from boarding school, will he finish ninth grade at Fox? Maybe he’ll be in Jeremy Dragon’s class.

Steph: Oh, that’d be perfect.

 

Scene 4

The kitchen. The family is having dinner. Charles is wearing a t-shirt that says, “I don’t need your t-shirt … I have my own.”

Charles: So I think I’ll drop out for a while … maybe get a job or something.

Victor: That’s not an option.

Rachel: You have to be sixteen don’t you! And your birthday’s not until November.

Victor: Besides, you have no practical skills whatsoever.

Charles: Aha … the child prodigy speaks.

Nell: (Quietly) Its just a matter of finding the right school.

Charles: There is no right school for me! Don’t you get it by now? I’m allergic to school!

Jess: Excuse me, I’ve got to pick up my prom pictures before the drugstore closes.

Rachel: Excuse me, too, I have a ton of homework.

Charles: Those daughters of yours need to be taught some manners. They shouldn’t be allowed to leave the table when the rest of us are still eating. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it has something to do with me. I’d think they’re not really as glad to see me as they pretend.

Nell: They might be if it wasn’t for your attitude.

Charles: Attitude? If we’re talking attitude here—

Nell: Just stop it, Charles!

Victor: Nell … let it go.

Charles: Right. Let it go, Mom. We don’t want to upset Dad, do we?

Denis Miller enters.

Dennis Miller: Now, as much as I like to watch you go about this like the Three Stooges trying to fix a leaky tap, I feel I should interject here. Folks, Charles obviously has a lot of problems, and if you (to Jessica) wouldn’t be an older Lisa Simpson and correct Charles all the time, and if all of you wouldn’t be so sensitive, I think the Robinson household would be a fairly pleasant place.

(Dennis Miller exits.)

 

Scene 5

Mr. Taliban’s office. Rachel knocks on the door. A ticking sound is heard.

Rachel: I’m Rachel Robinson. You wanted to see me.

Mr. Taliban: Yes, you infidel dog, come in. Sit down. Be quick. I only have a minute. I’m going to martyr myself for … I have to go to lunch. (Pours some camels milk into a Taliban coffee mug.) Drink some. (He pours a second glass. Rachel drinks some and chokes.) No choking.

(He blows up.)

Rachel: Jeez, he could have at least counted my bananas.

 

Scene 6

Ms. Lefferts’s class. Rachel comes up to Ms. Lefferts’s desk.

Rachel: I really enjoyed that play you took us to on our field trip last week.

Ms. Lefferts: Rachel, I had no idea you were so interested in the theatre. I know someone who runs a direct-to-video film company.

Rachel: Well …

Ms. Lefferts: I know you’re busy, but I think making films for this company could be a very profitable experience. They’re making films about the Wolfman, and a film biography of Elizabeth Abbott, a slumlord from Calgary, Canada.

Rachel: I’ll—

Ms. Lefferts: That’s all I’m asking. That you give it your serious consideration. Because they really need people like you … that’ll work to scale.

Rachel: It sounds—

Ms. Lefferts: Oh … and I forgot to mention their cafeteria serves camel’s milk.

Rachel: Oooohhh, I don’t think I’ve ever had camel’s milk. Does it come in a cup or a glass.

Ms. Lefferts: I don’t know. Do you have a preference?

Rachel: Yes, I prefer cups.

Ms. Lefferts: Well … I’ll keep your preference in mind. They’d probably want you for a remake of “Creature From Dope Island” and a story of the life of Dana Plato.

Rachel: Dana Plato is my favourite.

Ms. Lefferts: (Putting hand on her own shoulder and squeezing lightly) Mine too, Rachel. Mine too.

 

Scene 6

The dentist’s office. Rachel is sitting in the chair. The dentist is reminiscent of Bobby Bittman from “SCTV.”

Dentist: So, Rachel, some ants and some elephants are playing football. An elephant runs toward the end zone. An ant has the ball. The elephant steps on the ant and squashes him. The captain of the ant’s team is very angry. “I was only trying to trip him,” the elephant says. Hmmm … are you wearing your retainer?

Rachel: I lost it.

Dentist: Well, you’re clenching your jaw again.

Rachel: I am.

Dentist: Uh-huh … and grinding you’re teeth, too, kind of like me when I see my paycheck. Everything all right in your life? (Rachel wiggles her fingers) Still getting all A’s in school?

(Rachel waves her hands around. She sits up and rinses.)

Rachel: This doesn’t have anything to do with school.

Dentist: Maybe not, but I’d still like to see you learn to relax. And so would your teeth. OK, I’m going to do an impression. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger as a doctor. “Its not a tuma.”  (Laughs) But seriously, honey, deal with whatever’s bothering you post haste.

Rachel: That’s kind of easier said than done.

Dentist: I know, but you’re a strong, intelligent girl. I’m sure you’re up to whatever challenge you’re facing.

(Pats his own shoulder.)

Rachel: Thanks for listening, doc. I’m glad you used to be a psychologist.

 

Scene 7

Rachel’s room. Allison materializes out of the mist.

Allison: I’d do anything for a room like this, even kill a guy like on that Family Guy episode.

Rachel: Its 1993. Nobody’s heard of Family Guy. (Muttering) And quit laughing when you’re supposed to be mad. Yeah, I carefully lay my clothes out the night before, like the woman I am.

Allison: Stephanie says that isn’t normal.

Rachel: Stephanie said that … about me? I’m going to have to kick her butt.

(Rachel is seen kicking Stephanie’s butt.)

Allison: See, that’s why no one likes you. (Charles opens the door.)

Rachel: You know you’re supposed to knock!

Charles: Bookplates are for jackasses. (Looking at Allison) So, what’s your ethnic heritage?

Allison: Whatever you want it to be, you absolutely perfect example of manhood.

 

Scene 8

Victor and Nell’s room. Rachel knocks. Victor answers the door. A shower is heard running.

Victor: What can I do for you?

Rachel: I need to ask you a very important question.

Victor: OK, … shoot. Rachel …

Rachel: On Gilligan’s Island, if the professor could make a radio out of coconuts, why couldn’t he make a boat?

 

Scene 9

The front door of the house. Paul Medeiros is standing there. Charles appears, wearing a t-shirt that says “all stressed out and nowhere to joke.” Paul enters. He is a cockney.

Paul: So you’re Charles’s older sister, then?

Charles: No, this is my _baby sister.

Paul: She sure don’t loo’ li’ a baby.

Charles: Looks can be deceiving. She’s just thirteen.

Paul: Then you’re the musician, then?

Rachel: Well, I love music but I’m not that good.

Charles: She’s only a child prodigy.

Rachel: Charles … I am not!

Paul: (Playfully pushing Charles towards his room) OK, kid, time to crack them books.

 

Scene 10

Rachel’s room. Loud music can be heard. Rachel, Stephanie and Allison go downstairs to Charles’s room. Rachel knocks on the door. It opens. Charles, Marcella, Adrienne, Jeremy, and Dana Carpenter are sitting on the floor drinking beer and smoking marijuana.

Charles: Hey, Rachel. Boys To Men. Hey, girls, come in. Have a beer … have a joint.

Rachel: Nooooooooooooo. (She runs up to her room.)

 

Scene 11

The kitchen. Paul and Charles are seen coming out of Charles’s room.

Charles: Is Dana here?

Rachel: Out front.

Charles: You could have invited her in.

Rachel: You didn’t mention you were expecting company.

Paul: (Dropping arm around Charles’s shoulder) No distractions durin’ our time together, eh. Ask the bird to come back at five-thir’y, OK.

Charles: OK.

(Goes toward front door)

Paul: So, wha’ abou’ you, eh, Rachel?

Rachel: _What about me?

Paul: You go’ a boyfriend?

Rachel: No! I have to practice now.

(Runs from the room)

Paul: When am I gonna ‘ear you play?

Rachel: Whenever ….

Paul: I bet you play beautiful. I bet you tinkle them ivories like the sound of me old man breakin’ the dishes when ‘e’s off ‘is nut of a Sa’urday night.

 

Scene 12

The kitchen. The family is having dinner. Hlin and Roddy are having dinner with them.

Hlin: Its all about goals, isn’t it? In our life studies class we had to write down where we hope to be five years from today, then ten, then twenty. It really got me thinking.

Victor: What _are your goals, Hlin?

Hlin: Well, I don’t want to discuss my career goals, but one of my personal goals is to kiss the lead singer of every rock band. (To Charles) It would be a good course for you to take. Talk about someone who needs to clarify his goals!

Charles: So, Hlin, where’s your husband?

Hlin: As far as I know, Bill is still hang gliding. We have almost no contact.

Charles: (To Roddy) Poor little guy!

Hlin: He doesn’t need your pity. He’s going to be just fine.

Charles: That’s the spirit. Defy nature, Roddy my fine young man. Just because psychology proves a boy needs a father doesn’t mean things won’t be a hundred percent different in your particular case. Play Russian roulette with his well-being, why don’t ya. This is just an obstacle in his life. I’m surrounded by my obstacles. My father, the _Indifferent One, … my mother, the excuse-making wimp … and my little sister, the perfectionist child prodigy.

Victor: That does it. No telling the truth in this house.

 

Scene 13

A destroyer in the Pacific ocean. The Robinson family is fighting a Japanese destroyer.

Nell: Cover me.

Victor: Your not dying on my watch.

(They continue to battle.)

 

Scene 14

The counsellor’s office.

Jessica: Well, I don’t want to be hear, but I have to be. Its because of Charles. He takes up all our time and energy. I’m exhausted living in the same house as him. Its like being slowly poisoned.

Counsellor: And you, Miss …

Rachel: Rachel. Well, for me I guess it’s a matter of, well, you know, I’ve got my music, and my various school activities, and I’m a budding actress, and, you know, I have goals and really want to do a lot with my life, and, frankly, if there are people around like Charles here who don’t care about their future or where they’re going to end up in life than I just can’t achieve what I want to.

Counsellor: You mean to say Charles interferes when you’re trying to practice the piano or study?

Rachel: Well, no, it’s just, well, when I grow up, people will be like, “Oh, there was someone in her house who wasn’t as much of an overachiever so, therefore, we aren’t going to hire her at our company or give her any opportunities.”

Counsellor: I see. What about you, Mrs. Robinson?

Nell: Well, for my part, Doctor, my philosophy when it comes to bringing up children is rather simple, though brilliantly enlightened, if I do say so myself. You see, Doctor, I’ve always believed that since we are living in the latter half of the twentieth century and have all the modern technology and advanced ways of approaching things and viewing things we do now that I, as a parent, shouldn’t have to deal with any problems. In other words, children shouldn’t present me with problems in the first place. Now I’ve been proven correct, meaning of course that I am 100 percent correct, with Jessica and Rachel. However, the fact that Charles does not wish to take upon himself the reasonable task of orienting his life from childhood toward becoming a high profile member of society upon attainment of adulthood is totally unreasonable and something with which, I reiterate, I should not, and will not deal.

Victor: I agree, Doctor. In fact, that’s why we sent Charles to boarding school in the first place: so we wouldn’t have to deal with him.

Counsellor: Well, frankly, after listening first to Charles and then bringing all of you in to hear your sides of the story I don’t know what to do. Charles obviously has a different view of life, or at least of his teenage years than the rest of you and if none of you are willing to take a balanced approach to helping Charles to see that he does have to eventually do something with his life while at the same time respecting the fact he wishes to take a different path to success than the more traditional one you’ve chosen then I can’t help you. Without give and take on the part of young Charles’s family there may indeed be nothing that can be done.

Victor: (Flies into a rage) I knew it was a mistake to accept a goy counsellor. When our kind finishes taking over the world you will be the first to be killed.

(He storms out followed by the rest of the family.)

 

Scene 15

The train. A man with a canvas gym bag is sitting across from Rachel and Jessica. He opens the bag and a dog sticks his head out. The man pulls out a Dixie cup and feeds the dog ice cream from a spoon. Rachel and Jessica laugh.

Man: Laugh at me some more and I’ll kill you.

 

Scene 16

The ferry. Victor and Charles are standing at the rail.

Charles: Well, I’m glad you finally agreed to come with me on this field trip to Ellis Island at least.

Victor: Public school is your last stop, Charles. Mess this up and you’re out of my house.

Charles: Dad, I just don’t understand why you and the rest of the family can’t see it my way. I mean, sure, you’re a lawyer, Mom’s an accountant, Jessica’s an it-girl, and Rachel’s a child prodigy whose good at several other things besides. Me, though, I’m not like that.

Victor: But don’t you want to actually do something with your life? Do you not have any goals, dreams, ambitions?

Charles: Yes, Dad, as a matter of fact, I do have goals, dreams and ambitions. They just aren’t the same kind as what all of you seem to want for yourselves.

Victor: Then just what, pray tell, are they?

Charles: Well, Dad, honestly, I want to get into dealing. I actually like people a lot and I like for people to have a good time, so I feel I’d be really good at hooking people up with whatever stuff they needed.

Victor: Charles, you know why I finally agreed to come to Ellis Island with you and your class, don’t you?

Charles: Well, I know our family originally came here from Poland and entered America via Ellis Island.

Victor: That’s right. What you don’t know about our family’s past, however, is that back in Poland the Rybczynski family were the biggest drug dealers in that country. Your great-great-grandfather was known for having the best opium den between Berlin and Shanghai. When we came over here our family of course had to make a new start. We couldn’t be involved in stuff like that anymore, no. With what you’ve just told me, I feel, well, I just feel, honoured that one of my children, one of the great-great-grandchildren, wants to take up the family business again.

(He puts his arm around Charles. They hug.)

Charles: Also, Dad, I think I might want to eventually go into loan sharking.

Victor: I’ll leave that up to you, Chuck. I’ll leave that up to you.

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on “Here’s to You, Rachel Robinson” by Judy Blume.

  

PARODY TIME-IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD

                                                                            It’s Not The End Of The World

 

Scene 1

The kitchen. Death metal plays. Karen’s father enters. Ellie, Karen and Jeff are eating dinner.

Bill: Hello, Karen. Hello Jeff. Hello, ball and chain. Couldn’t you have waited? You knew I was coming home for dinner.

Ellie: No.

(Amy enters)

Amy: Hi Daddy.

Bill: Hi Amy.

Amy: Want to hear a joke?

Bill: Sure.

Amy: This farmer sees a guy giving plane rides, eh. The rides cost ten bucks, but the farmer’s never been in a plane before so he remarks to the pilot that the price is steep. The pilot says, “If you can last the whole ride without saying anything, then the ride’s free.” So they go up and the pilot does all sorts of dips and the farmer doesn’t say a word. When they get back on the ground, the pilot says, “Wow, you didn’t say a thing.” The farmer replies, “Yeah, but I nearly yelled when my wife fell out back there.”

Bill: (Feigns laughter) Good joke. Now sit down and drink your milk.

(Amy sits down at the table. The table shakes and the glass of milk spills. Ellie immediately gets an enraged look on her face.)

Amy: Don’t be mad. It was just an accident.

Ellie: Who’s **** **** **** mad?! (Amy’s mother cleans up the milk) I baked a lovely cake for dessert tonight.

(She brings out the cake)

Bill: Is that rat poison? You know how I hate rat poison. I’ll scrape it off.

Ellie: Don’t do me any favours.

(She throws the cake into a cage with a rat in it. The rat dies)

Bill: (Getting up from the table) I’m going to a cheap motel which somehow manages to simultaneously pay tribute to “Fawlty Towers.”

 

Scene 2

The kitchen. Karen is making pancakes shaped like Craig Kilborn.

Amy: Back in the old days, a couple of newly weds are going on their honeymoon on a horse and buggy. After a while, the horse stops in the middle of the road for no reason and refuses to move. The groom gets down from the buggy, whispers in the horse’s ear, “That’s once,” and gets back up on the buggy. After a while, the horse stops in the middle of the road and refuses to move again. The groom gets off the buggy, whispers in the horse’s ear, “That’s twice” and then shoots the horse. He then gets back on the buggy. The bride says, “Honey, why did you just shoot the horse?” The groom turns to the bride and says, “That’s once.” (Ellie enters) Where’s Daddy?

Ellie: I don’t want to talk about it.

 

Scene 3

Karen’s room. Karen is sitting at her desk, which is part of an old air hockey table. Amy bursts in.

Amy: I think I know where Daddy is.

Karen: Where?

Amy: I think he’s at the Daytona 500, and when he comes back he’s going to bring back one of those foam fingers.

Karen: Maybe.

 

Scene 4

The diner, which is reminiscent of Mel’s Diner from the eighties TV show “Alice.” The family sans Bill is sitting at a table with Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dan. The waitress, reminiscent of the above-mentioned title character, comes over.

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

Ellie: Yes. My children and I will have the hamburger.

Waitress: Good choice. (Looks at Aunt Ruth and Uncle Dan) And for you?

Aunt Ruth: My husband and I will have something utterly and completely different: the cheeseburger.

Waitress: Good choice.

(She walks away singing” I love you Superman. I love you Superman.”

Ellie: I have something to tell you. I wanted to tell you before, but I just couldn’t. It isn’t easy for me to say this and it won’t be easy for you to understand ….

(Karen drops her fork on the floor)

Uncle Dan: Five second rule.

Jeff: (Very seriously) Go ahead … tell us what you were going to say, Mommy.

Ellie: Your pathetic excuse for a father and I are separating.

Amy: Okay, but let it be on your head.

Jeff: Is he coming back? Or are you getting a divorce?

Ellie: Hopefully. I hope we don’t resolve things. Then… ah Martinique. You kids could end up getting left on more doorsteps than The New York Times.

(Karen gets up and runs out of the restaurant. A while later, everyone else comes outside, too.)

Ellie: Here, Karen. Have a rye cone.

(She hands her an ice cream cone with a frozen blob of rye whisky on top.)

 

Scene 5

The dining room of the cheap motel. Bill, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting at a table.

Jeff: Are you getting a divorce?

Bill: Yes.

Karen: I thought you were just thinking about it. I thought it wasn’t definite yet.

Bill: You’re mother and I just don’t get along. We can’t go on living together. It’s making a mess of our lives.

Karen: So, in order to make things better for yourselves, you decided to make a mess of ours.

Bill: You’ll live with your mother for now.

Karen: But for how long?

Bill: Karen … you’re asking me questions I can’t answer. We haven’t worked out any of the details yet. You don’t get divorced overnight.

Jeff: How long does it take?

Bill: Two days.

Amy: Daddy … please come home

Bill: (Picks her up. Takes off his glasses.) No bloody way. Return home to that selfish, crabby … (Tickling her under the chin) no way.

 

Scene 6

Mrs. Singer’s classroom.  Karen and Debbie are getting their coats.

Mrs. Singer: Goodbye, yesterday. Goodbye yesterday.

Debbie: I heard about your parents … and I’m sorry.

Karen: Heard what?

Debbie: You know?

Karen: Know what?

Debbie: Oh, come on, Karen. That your parents are getting a divorce.

Karen: Who told you?

Debbie: Your aunt met my mother in Earth Apple Supermarket and she told her.

Karen: My mom blabbed something like that to an acquaintance she met in the grocery store?!

Debbie: Yeah, I guess. According to Mom your mother’s more excited about this divorce than a little kid waiting for Christmas.

 

Scene 7

Bill’s bachelor apartment. Bill is showing Jeff, Karen and Amy around. Montmorency enters.

Bill: That’s my roommate, Montmorency.

Montmorency: (Screams) Ahhhhh, light Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Bill: Karen, there’s a girl about your age living in  apartment 12B. I told her you’d be over on Sunday. Why don’t you go down and see her.

Karen: OK.

(She makes her way downstairs and knocks on the apartment door.)

Val: You must be Karen Newman. I’m Val Lewis. My mother is dating this really rich guy named Montmorency. I believe he’s you’re father’s roommate.

 

Scene 8

The kitchen. Ellie, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting around the kitchen table having Christmas dinner.

Ellie: I’m going back to school.

Jeff: Really. Why?

Ellie: Because I only had one year of college before I got married. I never really had a chance to find out what I might be able to do, thanks to your jerk of a father tying me down.

Karen: What do you think you might take?

Ellie: I don’t know. I was thinking something along the lines of The Role of Zombies and Vampires in World Literature or The Feminist Perspective on Traffic Laws, but then I started thinking I should maybe take something even more useful such as The Science Behind Action Movies or maybe even learn a foreign language like Elvish or Clingon.

 

Scene 9

The kitchen. Ellie, Jeff, Karen, and Amy are sitting around the table having dinner.

Amy: Weney, my friend in school, has a Talking Howard Dean Doll. She brought it in for Show And Tell. I want one too. The kind with the cool hair.

Ellie: Maybe for your birthday.

Amy: My birthday’s not until the end of June.

Ellie: Well, that’s not so far away.

Amy: Oh, please, Mommy! I can’t wait until my birthday!

Ellie: I’m sorry, Amy. But you’ll have to.

Amy: Why?

Karen: You know Mom doesn’t have a lot of money to throw around. Stop being so selfish.

Amy: I bet you Daddy would get it for me.

Ellie: That’s enough, Amy!

Amy: _I _hate _you. You made Daddy go away just so you could be mean to me!

Ellie: (Reaching across the table and smacking Amy in time to her words) No. I. Did. Not. Now go up to your room and stay there for the rest of eternity, you ungrateful brat who’ll never amount to anything. (Amy leaves the room shrieking and crying) That felt so good. I would have never been able to get away with that if your father were still living with us. Now finish your breakfast and head off to school or else. (Giving a little cackle.).

 

Scene 10

Mrs. Singer’s class. Mrs. Singer is sing “It’ll Be OK” by Limp Bizkit.

Mrs. Singer: I got a letter from Gary Owens: (Reads) Dear Mrs. Singer and Class 6-108, Texas is fun. We got a dog. His name is Al, as in the Bundy. I am looking forward to growing up to become the announcer on “Laugh-in” and am also looking forward to my voiceover gig on “Bobby’s World.”

 

Scene 11

Two firebombs appear on screen, one headed toward Ellie’s house, the other toward Bill’s apartment complex. Caption: How dare you mail me an anniversary card, you jackass.

 

Scene 12

Val’s apartment. Karen enters. Montmorency is in the apartment, making llama noises.

Val: Montmorency, this is my friend, Karen. Her Dad lives upstairs. He’s getting a divorce.

Montmorency: Howboutwawontwontzazazaza. (he exits, saying “Niminiminiminiminiminiminiminimi”)

 

Scene 13

The living room. Ellie and Bill are sitting on the couch.

Ellie: Did you ever stop to think that maybe its  your fault we’re getting divorced. You’re not exactly a perfect husband.

Bill: Shut up! You want everybody to hear us.

Aunt Ruth: (From next room) We can already hear you, you stupid nits.

Bill: I’m warning you.

Ellie: You lay a hand on me and I’ll lay the smack down.

Bill: You wanna go?

Ellie: Yeah. Right now time.

(They wrestle.))

 

Scene 14

Petey Mansfield’s house Petey answers the door

Karen: Could I talk to you about something?? (Petey nodds) Do you know where Jeff is?

Petey: No. (He goes back inside.)

 

Scene 15

The kitchen. Ellie, Amy and Karen are sitting in the kitchen. Jeff enters.

Jeff: Hi, Mom. Hi Karen. Hi Amy. I was at the Masters. Here, Karen and Amy, I brought  each of you back a cup. Also, while hitchhiking home, I joined a cult.

Ellie: What?!

Jeff: I joined because, when I thought about it, Zazazaza truly has the answer, plus their compound makes _really good French fries. I mean you wouldn’t believe how… Anyway, I just came to give you guys your cups and to tell you that I’ll be living with the cult till ten thousand years after the end of time. Oh, and by the way, anyone who doesn’t worship Zazazaza should, and will, be killed.

(He kisses Amy goodbye.)

Ellie: (beginning to cry) Oh, first your father and I get a divorce, now my first-born baby has left the nest. Why does the universe always manage to make it all about me? Well, girls, I’m selling the house and moving to Martinique. Good luck fending for yourselves.

Amy: Hey, Karen, how do you get five hundred Natives in a phone booth? Tell them they own the land.

 

Steel drum music plays over the closing credits.

 

Based on “It’s Not the End of the World” by Judy Blume.