PARODY TIME-THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU

THINGS I HAVE TO TELL YOU

Open on a high school cafeteria. A female art teacher stands at the front behind a podium. A few students sit at nearby tables.

Art Teacher: Well welcome to poetry night. I’m quite excited to be the mc of this first-time event. Tonight, we’re going to hear poetry specifically written by our female students. (Looks at list) Our first reader will be Teek. Step up to the mic, Teek.

(Teek approaches the microphone, pulls out a piece of paper and begins to read.)

Teek: This poem is called “Me Saying Stuff.”

I’m saying stuff

Like why conform to what white society wants,

Let’s conform to

What black society wants instead.

Let’s do that

Even though what we think of black culture in this country

Has nothing to do with traditional African culture or values.

Let’s just put ourselves in another box

Make everything about race and oppression,

Not think for ourselves

And be swept along with the tide out to sea instead.

(Teek returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anything so outside of the box. Our next reader will be Marion.

(Marion steps to the mic and reads.)

Marion: This poem is called “I am the Best-looking Woman in the World.”

Man, I really am

The best-looking woman in the world.

I mean, wow!

There really is no woman on this planet

More beautiful than me.

I just had to write this poem

Because if I don’t constantly tell myself

As well as everyone else

How stunning I look

Then who will?

(Marion returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Marion. You’ve no idea how rare and gratifying it is to encounter a girl with your healthy level of self-esteem. Our next reader will be Xiang.

(Xiang steps to the mic and reads.)

Xiang: This poem is called “I May be Female but I’m Just Like a Man.”

I admire all the transgender superheroes

And other characters out there

Because, and I want to make this abundantly clear,

I am not trans at all,

Though I am, was and will always be a female

Till the end of time

And even beyond that

Still I am exactly equal to

And like a man in every way.

I am just like a man

Because I love cars

Or at least I know they exist

Which is exactly the same thing

As being a car guy.

Yet, I still am forced by society

To choose not to walk down certain streets at night,

Not out of fear of rape, robbery or murder

But because I might see a spider.

I am so afraid

Of those bloody things.

My mother has fallen into the female subservience trap.

The other day I asked her why she gave up her dreams

Of being a work-from-home wine critic,

And she had the unmitigated gall to respond

“So I could devote my time to caring for

You, your father and brother,

You ungrateful little brat.”

Well, I’m not going to turn out like her,

The stupid cow.

(Xiang goes back to her table.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Xiang. You truly will help enable womankind to live on Mars someday. Our next reader will be Anna.

(Anna steps to the mic and reads.)

Anna: This poem is called “Will Everyone Stop Obsessing Over Me Already.”

The other day I went to the coffee shop

To get me some java.

The girl behind the counter asked,

“Medium regular?”

Medium regular!

How did that serving wench

Know I was a lesbian?

I could tell just by the way she said that

That she’s totally obsessed

With this fact about me.

I can tell by the way everyone looks at me

And talks to me,

Just like her,

That they are totally obsessed

By my attraction to my own sex.

Well, just stop it already!

My sexual orientation

Is none of your business.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Anna returns to her seat.)

Art Teacher: Very good, Anna. You have an awareness of the way the world sees you that most people even slightly older than you don’t possess. Our final reader will be Jennifer.

(Jennifer steps to the mic and reads.)

Jennifer: This poem is called “Bad Hair Day.”

On the day we broke up

I had a lock of hair slightly out of place.

Thinking it over later

Of course this is the reason you said goodbye.

It couldn’t have been the way I never use deodorant,

Or don’t do anything whatsoever about my zits,

Or don’t practice much else in the way of personal hygiene,

Because those are all personal choices

I make for myself,

Whereas I couldn’t control that stray hair.

Art Teacher: Very good, Jennifer. Now if you could quickly go back to your seat, please, I would appreciate that. Well, audience dismissed. I guess I hope we can do something like this again sometime.

(The teacher and students exit.)

Closing credits.

Based on “Things I Have to Tell You: poems and writing by teenage girls” edited and compiled by Betsy Franco.