Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Sunday, August 30, 2026

SEVEN TRAGIC WORLD EVENTS AS REPORTED BY CBC

Babylon Bee

 

7 Tragic World Events As Reported By The Canadian Broadcasting Corp.

Media

Aug 28, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

Millions were stunned this week when the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation ordered its anchors to refer to 9/11 as "jet crashes," strictly instructing the avoidance of terms like "terrorist attacks." However, this really wasn't a change for the CBC, which has always had a unique voice for news.

 

Here are seven other tragic world events as reported by the CBC:

 

The Challenger Explosion

 

The image is a still from a news broadcast displaying a large explosion with thick smoke and fire. The text overlay reads "CHALLENGER FINISHES EXPEDITION EARLY." In the bottom right corner, there is a logo for CBC News Network. The image appears to reference the Challenger space shuttle disaster, showing the moment of the explosion during the shuttle's mission. The background is mostly dark with the bright smoke cloud prominently visible.

 

Bombing of Nagasaki

 

The image shows a large mushroom cloud, typically associated with a nuclear explosion, set against a blue-toned background. In the foreground, there is a caption that reads, "NAGASAKI ENJOYS COOL NEW CLOUD," alongside the CBC News Network logo, implying it is a screenshot from a news broadcast. The scene evokes the atomic bombing of Nagasaki but presents the mushroom cloud in an unusual or ironic manner given the caption.

 

The Oklahoma City Bombing

 

The image shows a partially collapsed multi-story building with debris around it, indicating a sudden structural failure. Emergency vehicles and people are visible near the site. Overlaid text reads, "OKC BUILDING FALLS QUICKLY," suggesting this is a news report about a building collapse in Oklahoma City. The CBC News Network logo appears at the bottom right corner, indicating the source of the news. The overall scene highlights the aftermath of a major building collapse incident.

 

The Holocaust

 

The image shows a large group of people, including men, women, and children, standing tightly together near a train with several boxcars. Many individuals appear to be wearing striped uniforms, typical of concentration camp prisoners during the Holocaust. Several uniformed guards are present, overseeing the crowd. The image background contains industrial structures and overhead power lines. Text on the image reads: "GERMANY SENDS JEWS TO CAMP" with a CBC News Network logo, indicating a historical news context.

 

O.J. Simpson Arrested

 

The image shows a man standing against a height measurement chart, resembling a mugshot. He wears a dark jacket over a light shirt and looks directly at the camera with a neutral expression. Below him, there is a caption that reads, "OJ BRIEFLY REUNITES WITH EX." To the right, the CBC News Network logo is visible, indicating this is likely a news broadcast screenshot. The image has a blue tint.

 

Boston Marathon Bombing

 

The image shows a crowded scene with many people, some wearing uniforms or vests with reflective stripes, suggesting officials or emergency personnel. The text at the bottom reads "RUNNERS TRIP AT BOSTON MARATHON" alongside the CBC News Network logo, indicating a news report about an incident where runners fell during the Boston Marathon. The overall atmosphere appears busy and focused, likely on responding to the situation.

 

Sinking of Titanic

 

The image is a historic-style photo of the Titanic ship's deck crowded with numerous people, some moving and others gathered in groups. Many individuals are packed closely together both along the upper deck and a lower deck area, with ropes and lifeboats visible. The image includes a caption at the bottom that reads, "TITANIC PASSENGERS GO ON EXCURSION," accompanied by the CBC News Network logo. The scene captures a busy moment aboard the ship.

 

Thanks for all of your amazing work over the years, CBC. No one tells the news quite like you.

Wednesday, August 5, 2026

CATASTROPHY AS MAN FAILS TO LISTEN CLOSELY EVEN THOUGH MENU OPTIONS HAVE CHANGED

Babylon Bee

 

Catastrophe As Man Fails To Listen Closely Even Though Menu Options Have Changed

Life

Jul 31, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

PEORIA, IL — Authorities advised all residents to be on high alert heading into the weekend, following a sudden catastrophe that resulted from a local man failing to listen closely even though the menu options had changed.

 

Calling in to his electrical utility company's help line, Roger Phillips arrogantly ignored a clear warning about the recently altered menu options. Phillips' keypad choices quickly went awry, and just 30 minutes later, the power grid to the entire city had been shut down.

 

"We've traced the whole thing back to Roger," said Mike Makowski, senior executive for the Ameren Illinois utility company. "He simply did not listen, but went about pushing buttons under the false belief that he remembered the prior menu options. Now, there are tens of thousands of people without power, and we honestly aren't sure what happens next. The full extent of what has been unleashed, we simply do not know. Shame on you, Roger."

 

Phillips, realizing his mistake only too late, apologized for his selfish conceit. "I thought I knew the menu options. I was wrong," said Phillips. "Only now do I see where my pride and haughtiness have led me. I deeply apologize. I will forever rue the day that I did not heed the warning."

 

At publishing time, the entire town of Peoria had been consumed by a terrible fireball, all because of Roger Phillips.

Tuesday, August 4, 2026

FATHER TELLS SON HE CAN'T PLAY CATCH WITH HIM AS HE'S BUSY OWNING SOME LOSER ON THE INTERNET

Babylon Bee

 

Dad Tells Son He Can't Play Catch Right Now As He's Busy Owning Some Loser On The Internet

Family

Aug 3, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

TUCSON, AZ — Local father Mark Howell told his son this week that he couldn't come play catch with him because someone was saying something dumb online that needed immediate attention.

 

Asked by his son, Jack, to go out and throw the ball around, Howell responded that he was going to be busy for a while completely owning this poor loser on the Internet.

 

"Sorry, buddy, not today," Howell said. "This guy says the Second Amendment only applied to the military and you've got to believe I have a lot to say to him. Maybe next week."

 

Sources said Jack Howell could be seen walking away with his head down while his dad typed furiously on his phone, muttering something about "shall not be infringed."

 

"I love my dad, and I really want to play catch with him," Jack said. "But I know he has very important work to do online. He told me last week he couldn't go fly a kite because his 604 followers needed to know what he thought about government-run grocery stores in New York City."

 

Howell said he plans on interacting with his son just as soon as he proves a few more commies wrong online.

 

At publishing time, Howell had declared victory in his online argument after a mere seven hours of continuous posting.

Friday, July 31, 2026

8 YEAR OLD MUSLIM CHILD BRIDE AWARDED BRITAIN'S WOMEN EMPOWERMENT PERSON OF THE YEAR

Babylon Bee

 

8-Year-Old Muslim Child Bride Awarded Britain’s ‘Women’s Empowerment Person Of The Year’

Worldviews

Jul 30, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

LONDON — The British government awarded its coveted "Women's Empowerment Person of the Year" to 8-year-old Muslim child bride Aisha Malik.

 

Newly minted Prime Minister Andy Burnham congratulated Malik on her tremendous accomplishment, stating that having her innocence horrifically stolen by a 40-year-old Muslim man is what every British girl should dream of.

 

"This is the face of women's empowerment in Britain," said Burnham, pointing to the terrified girl with her face covered in black. "What better picture could there be of how the United Kingdom values the dignity of women? Young Aisha here left her home at just age seven to start a new life with Mohammed Malik, a noted austere Palestinian terrorist. While most girls are just enjoying 3rd grade, Aisha literally got married and joined the ranks of the resistance fighters. Talk about empowerment!"

 

Onlookers cheered as Malik took the award and was waved up to the microphone. After stifling a cry, Malik asked why everyone was cheering and begged for someone to please rescue her from being held captive by terrorists.

 

"Haha! And she has a sense of humor too. What a girl!" said Burnham, taking back the microphone. "Thanks for the inspiration and the laughs. Cheers!"

 

At publishing time, Burnham had awarded Britain's "Peacemaker of the Year" award to a group of terrorists who had switched to using knives for their attacks instead of guns.

Wednesday, July 29, 2026

FAUCI ADMITTED TO SELF COVID DIDN'T COME FROM WET MARKET

National Review

 

Dr. Anthony Fauci, January 2020: ‘Now We Know the Market Was Not the Source, It Was the Amplifier’

By Jim Geraghty

July 26, 2026 10:23 AM

 

Very few people seem to care much about the origin of the Covid pandemic anymore. But Kentucky Senator Rand Paul is an exception, and on Saturday, he dropped a bombshell.

 

According to Paul, “During his time as NIAID Director, and particularly during the COVID pandemic, Dr. Anthony Fauci took meticulous notes about his work. He made note of conversations, decisions, and his thoughts about actions taken by politicians and other officials.”

 

On January 26, 2020, Fauci wrote:

 

block quote

It now appears using epi data and genomic data that the first infection was in early December and was not connected to the market. The infections spread among people weeks before the Chinese reported that they were dealing with a new infection and that gave the virus time to establish itself in multigenerational (sustained) spread. Remember, early on the Chinese were saying that there is no human to human transmission and all the original 27 cases were from the market. Now we know the market was not the source, it was the amplifier. Having said that, somewhere the virus jumped from animals to humans.

block quote end

 

If the wet market was not the source and was merely an amplifier, then the virus had to come from somewhere else. That “somewhere else” could have been the Wuhan Institute of Virology, the separate institution of the Wuhan Centre for Disease Control (which was also doing research on coronaviruses found in bats), or some other location. (Horseshoe bats are believed to be the type of bat that SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes Covid-19, originated in. Their natural habitat is several hundred miles away. As of May 2021, Chinese authorities have “tested 50,000 animal specimens, including 1,100 bats in Hubei province, where Wuhan is located. But no luck: a matching virus still hasn’t been found.”)

 

Now, Fauci is not the be-all and end-all of science — despite his declaration, “I represent science.” But his public comments throughout 2020 emphasized the likelihood of a “natural origin” and rejected the notion that the virus could have leaked from a lab. While I can’t find an instance in which Fauci explicitly stated that SARS-CoV-2 came from a wet market, he certainly didn’t do anything to dispel that perception — at a time when he was doing many, many interviews and public appearances.

 

In a May 5, 2020, interview with National Geographic:

 

block quote

“If you look at the evolution of the virus in bats and what’s out there now, [the scientific evidence] is very, very strongly leaning toward this could not have been artificially or deliberately manipulated … Everything about the stepwise evolution over time strongly indicates that [this virus] evolved in nature and then jumped species,” Fauci says. Based on the scientific evidence, he also doesn’t entertain an alternate theory — that someone found the coronavirus in the wild, brought it to a lab, and then it accidentally escaped.

block quote end

 

As usual, these comments blurred the line between engineered or “manipulated’ in a lab and escaped from a lab. “Gain of function” research accelerates the natural process of evolution, so some scientists may well argue it doesn’t represent “manipulation,” even though the process can make the virus more contagious and virulent. Also recall that Fauci insisted, under oath, that “the NIH has not ever and does not now fund gain-of-function research in the Wuhan Institute of Virology,” when NIH documents indicated otherwise. Fauci later disputed what the term “gain-of-function research” meant and contended that what the Wuhan Institute of Virology was doing didn’t meet his definition of the term.

 

Now we know that from very early on, Fauci concluded that he and other public health officials knew — not believed, knew — that the Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market in Wuhan was not the source of the virus.

 

Do you have any idea how much time I spent, starting on April 3, 2020 and throughout the year, and into the next, tracking down everything that could possibly be learned about Chinese wet markets and the animals that were sold there and the likelihood that those animals could be the source of a virus that spread like wildfire through human beings?

 

Over and over again in my writing, I pointed to the assessment of Georgetown University professor and pandemic specialist Daniel Lucey, who concluded by looking at the early cases that the focus on the Huanan Seafood Market as the pandemic origin point is simply misplaced. “The virus came into that marketplace before it came out of that marketplace.” There were simply too many early cases of patients who had no tie to the market. Enthusiasts for the wet market theory just hand-waved it away, contending that those patients just had to have some tie to the market, or someone who had been there, that just hadn’t been found by Chinese epidemiologists.

 

As late as 2023, writers in publications like The Atlantic were arguing that infected animals at the Huanan Seafood Wholesale Market were the most likely source of the pandemic. Last year, researchers from the University of California, San Diego, argued that the virus most likely came to Wuhan from animal traders. “Because of the large distances and short timing, the most plausible route of transmission was through the wildlife trade via intermediary hosts,” namely “palm civets and raccoon dogs.”

 

For the entirety of 2020 and long after, the “it started in a wet market” view was the respectable one. Believing that somebody at the Wuhan Institute of Virology hadn’t been careful one day and had gotten accidentally infected with a virus that had gained a function or two during its time in the lab made you a crazy conspiracy theorist. In fact, the lab leak theory was evidence of your racism.

 

And now — in July 2026! — we learn that Fauci himself had dismissed the wet market as a potential source at the end of January 2020.

 

Dr. Fauci will testify before Senator Paul and the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs on Wednesday.


Update 07/30:


New York Post

 

Dr. Anthony Fauci repeatedly pleads the Fifth and his lawyer is thrown out in Senate hearing bombshell

By Josh Christenson and Ryan King

Published July 29, 2026

Updated July 29, 2026, 9:55 a.m. ET

 

WASHINGTON — Dr. Anthony Fauci took the Fifth Amendment at the start of a Wednesday appearance before a Senate committee, accusing Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) of trying to put him “behind bars” over his handing of the COVID-19 pandemic.

 

Fauci, 85, the former head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), stunned the panel and millions of watching Americans when he claimed during his opening statement that “given Senator Paul’s obvious obsession with calling for my prosecution, his repeated slanderous comments about me, and recently his publicly releasing my unredacted personal diary aimed at embarrassing and intimidating me, the only conclusion I can reach is that the sole reason he is calling me before this committee is to get me to say something, anything, that could vindicate his repeated public pledges that I end up, in his words, ‘behind bars.'”

 

“Any reasonable person who has followed his unhinged obsession with me would readily come to the same conclusion,” Fauci added. “Therefore, although it pains me to do so because of the respect I have for the legislative branch of government and my decades-long record of cooperating with Congress, under the advice of my attorneys, I will invoke my right under the Fifth Amendment of the Constitution to refrain from answering your questions.”

 

Fauci went on to give the same response dozens of times as senators proceeded with their planned questions: “On the advice of counsel, I respectfully declined to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution.”

 

Paul, who had planned to press Fauci about federal funding of risky so-called “gain of function” research in China, appeared flustered and agitated by the doctor’s move — which came despite Fauci receiving a full pardon from then-President Joe Biden in January 2025.

 

“The chairman has denied your assertion of privilege and directed you to answer them, but you nonetheless refuse and stand on privilege despite the existence of the pardon,” Paul said at the conclusion of his questioning.

 

“The committee will have to consider after this hearing what appropriate action should be taken against you for the failure to testify after being directed to do so. It’s against the law to obstruct an investigation of Congress.

 

“There will be repercussions to your refusal to testify today.”

 

The Senate Homeland Security Committee chairman had also asked Fauci if he had refused Biden’s pardon or if he had “any reason to believe this full and unconditional pardon, this grant of immunity would somehow require you to plead the Fifth Amendment.”

 

In his opening remarks, Paul had called attention to Fauci’s defense of gain of function research funded by the NIAID and the alleged concealment or destruction of federal records related to the pandemic.

 

An adviser to Fauci, David Morens, was indicted by federal prosecutors in May for concealing and destroying federal records.

 

“It is a crime to destroy federal records,” Paul reminded the witness. “Yet our investigation reveals your assistant diligently reported that she deleted tons of emails in 2024. You testified that you did not delete federal records. Who’s telling the truth? You or your assistant?”

 

“The committee has obtained repeated instructions, from you, telling federal officials to delete communications,” Paul added. “On February 2nd, 2020, one day after [a conference call on COVID-19 origins], you told [then-NIH Director Dr.] Francis Collins, ‘Please delete this email after you read it.’”

 

During the early stages of the hearing, Fauci’s attorney, David Schertler, sat by him. After Paul began threatening repercussions against the former COVID-19 czar, Schertler began speaking out in protest, setting off the Kentucky senator in an explosive exchange.

 

“You will respect these proceedings. You were told not to sit at the [witness] table. You insist on sitting at the table, and we told you you would not be recognized. You are not invited here for testimony, sir. You are being disruptive,” Paul shot back.

 

After Schertler ignored Paul’s admonition not to speak again, the senator ordered security to escort him out, to applause from the audience.

 

“You are not recognized, sir. Security, please remove him from the room,” Paul said. “Let the record state that Dr. Fauci will still have the advice of the other half a dozen attorneys that he brought along today.”

 

Schertler later said in a statement that his ejection was “outrageous and demonstrates the completely biased and baseless nature of this proceeding.”


AH: Reminds me of the gangsters in "Casino."


Update 08/01: And here's the Babylon Bee with some spot on satire:


Babylon Bee

 

Fauci Appears On 'Jeopardy!', Pleads The Fifth To Every Question

Entertainment

Jul 31, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

CULVER CITY, CA — Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared on the beloved trivia game show Jeopardy! last night, only to invoke the Fifth Amendment in response to every clue.

 

Host Ken Jennings welcomed Fauci to the stage with enthusiastic applause before reading the first category, "Historic Pandemics."

 

"Wow! Lucky break for Dr. Fauci to have that category on the board, wouldn't you say?" asked Jennings.

 

"On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution," Fauci replied.

 

"Erm. Well, okay," said Jennings. "First clue, for $200. Killing an estimated 50 million people worldwide, this disease is named after a country, even though that country wasn't where the disease originated. Yes, Dr. Fauci?"

 

"On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution," said Fauci.

 

"Um... okay?" responded Jennings. "The correct response was 'What is the Spanish influenza?' Let's just move on to the next clue. For $600, this lentivirus integrates its genetic material into the DNA of host immune cells using the enzyme integrase, allowing it to establish lifelong infection. Buzzing in once again, it's Dr. Fauci. Yes?"

 

"On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution," responded Fauci.

 

"Dr. Fauci, you know this is a game show, right?" said Jennings. "You don't have to buzz in if you don't want to. You do know you're not under oath right now?"

 

"On the advice of counsel, I respectfully decline to answer based upon my rights under the Fifth Amendment to the Constitution," responded Fauci.

 

At publishing time, though it had been confirmed that Fauci had somehow managed to give the correct response for "Final Jeopardy," given the clue "The Supreme Court's decision in Miranda v. Arizona is rooted primarily in the Self-Incrimination Clause of this Constitutional amendment," Fauci steadfastly refused to tell Jennings how much he had wagered, once again pleading the Fifth.

Monday, July 20, 2026

CIVIL ENGINEER REGRETS BUILDING CITY ON ROCK AND ROLL

Babylon Bee

 

Civil Engineer Really Starting To Regret Building City On Rock & Roll

Life

Jul 17, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

 

U.S. — Civil engineer David Sharpe started out with an ambitious goal to build a city on rock and roll, but now says he should have just stuck with more traditional infrastructure planning methods.

 

"In hindsight, it might have been a mistake," Sharpe said. "We started out wiring everything for AC/DC power, which wasn't the best idea. We should have chosen one way or another. Eventually, we had to go with AC after several kids got hurt on the electric slide."

 

Traffic was another issue plaguing the town. "The highway is always clogged with traffic, often due to people living their lives in the fast lane," Sharpe continued. "If you think you're going to be moving around quickly in your fast car, you've got another thing coming. Unfortunately, public transit isn't much better, as the subway system keeps going off the rails like a crazy train."

 

Even the more mundane design choices were problematic. "City Hall was originally designed to have a red door, but then the designer changed her mind and wanted to paint it black," Sharpe said. "Then she changed her mind again to blue Monday, but by Wednesday it was back in black."

 

At publishing time, Sharpe admitted his plans were probably too ambitious. "We built this city on rock and roll, but if I could turn back time, I would definitely try something different," he said. "Oh, well. I'll know better next time."