GO ASK ALICE
September 30
Wonderful news, diary. We’re moving. Daddy has been invited
to become the dean of basket weaving at another school in another town. Isn’t
that exciting? Maybe it will be like it was when I was younger. Maybe Daddy
will travel to Bangladesh every summer and we’ll get to go with him like we
used to. Those were the fun fun times. I’m going to start on a diet this very
day. I will be a positively different person by the time we move to our new
town. Not one bite of chocolate or nary a French-fried potato will touch my
lips till I have lost ten glumpy pounds of lard. Then I’ll eat chocolate and
French fried potatoes like they’re going out of style and gain the weight back
again.
October 10
I’ve lost three pounds and we’re busy getting sort of
semi-organized to move. The house is up for sale and Mom and Dad have gone to
look for a place in the new town. I’m staying here with Tim and Alexandria, and
as much as you’ll be surprised, they don’t even bug me. We’re all excited about
moving, and they do whatever I tell them about helping with the house and meals
and such. Well, almost. I guess Dad will be taking over the new position at
mid-term. He’s as excited as a little boy and its like old times. We sit around
the table and laugh and joke and make plans together. Its great. Tim and Alex
insist they have to take all their toys and junk. Personally, I’d like to get a
whole new everything, except my books, of course. They are part of my life and
plus it would be stupid to throw them all out and buy new copies.
December 14
I want to get Dad an office-warming gift for his new office,
so he’ll put it on his desk and look at it and think of me, even when he’s in
really really really important conferences with all the leading brains in the
world, or whatever he does at his job.
January 1
Last night I went to a New Year’s Eve party at Scott’s
place. The kids got a little wild. Some of the boys got drunk off milk. I went
home early. I’m so excited about moving in two days I’m beside myself. I’m sure
I won’t sleep at all for the next two nights. Imagine moving to a new house in
a new town in a new county in a new state all at once. Well, I guess that’s
what a lot of people do.
Scene 1
A drugstore. Alice enters and goes up to the counter.
Alice: I’d like a chocolate malt and a double order of
French-fried potatoes, please.
Waiter: Sure. (He prepares the food. She takes it and goes
to a table. The waiter comes and sits beside her.) You knew in town?
Alice: Yes. My family just moved here.
Waiter: I’ve lived here all my life. Did once meet a guy,
though, who met Francis X. Bushman. You know who he was?
Alice: No.
Waiter: He was Hollywood’s first star. Never saw any of his
movies, but meeting the guy who met him was interesting, though. Did I ever
tell you about one of the times I took the bus to the doctor’s office?
Alice: No.
Waiter: Well, I walked to the bus stop, waited for the bus
and got on. The bus drove past a house, then another house, then another house,
then another house, then another house, then another house, through an
intersection, past a convenience store, a little market … you’re starting to
see them around a lot less. I go into these big supermarkets now and I stand
there and ask where things are and the clerks show me. Funny thing is, I’ve just
gotten in the store and haven’t started looking for things. So, anyway, the bus
is passing the small market, and its passing and its passing and then it goes
past another house, and an apartment building, and another house, and another
house, and another house, and another house, and another house, and another
house. When I’m on my lunch hour, I like to sit in the park. I sit by a tree.
When people pass, I say, “So, going by the tree, eh?” I own this drugstore.
When I go on my lunch hour, I hang a sign on the door saying Closed For Lunch
Be Back At 1:00, but I never say a.m. or p.m. Sometimes I sit in the park for
hours, even days.
Alice: Could I have a Hershey bar, please?
Waiter: Sure. (Alice and the waiter go over to the counter.
The waiter gets the Hershey bar.) The thing I like about the Hershey bar is
it’s the same since 1898. I used to eat these things all the time. I’d open it,
then take a bite, then another bite, then another bite, then another bite. I
used to play baseball. I’d go up to bat, then hit the ball, but only if it was
pitched to me, or not, if I missed. I’d run around the bases sometimes. First,
second would usually follow, then third.
(The waiter has failed to notice that during this last
speech, Alice has paid for the Hershey bar and left the store.)
Scene 2
The living room of the new house. Alice and Gerda enter. She
resembles a member of the East German Women’s Olympic swim team.
Alice: Mom, Dad, this is Gerda.
Mom and Dad: Hello, Gerda.
Gerda: Hi, Alice’s Mom und Dat.
Dad: So, Alice tells me you’re in grade 11.
Gerda: Yah. I have mine own car. My fadder says he might be
able to get me a job demolishing condemned buildings mit mine body soon. Alice
and I are goving out for a drive, cruisink avound and dat sort of think.
Father: Oh.
Gerda: Vell, see you later.
(Alice and Gerda exit.)
Scene 3
Outside of Alice’s house. Bridge Over Troubled Waters plays
on the car radio.
Alice: That was fun. We should do that again sometime.
Gerda: Yah. (Gerda puts the pedal to the floor and crashes into
the house next door. The car catches fire.) I’m OK.
Scene 4
The kitchen. Alice and Beth enter.
Alice: Mom, this is Beth.
Mom: Hi Beth. Its nice to meet you. How are you?
Beth: Can’t complain. Wouldn’t do any good anyway.
Alice: Beth is Jewish.
Mom: Really. So, what does your father do for a living.
Beth: He’s a doctor.
Mom: Really. That completely surprises me. I’d ask you to
stay for dinner, but we’re having roast pork.
Beth: Oh, that’ll be perfect.
Mom: Good. Then, after dinner I’ll take you girls shopping.
Beth: Oh, great. I love gaining material things.
Scene 5
Beth’s bedroom. American Woman plays on Beth’s radio.
Alice: So, is the Jewish much different than are religion?
Beth: Yes. In our religion, we can do whatever we want
because we believe God is stupid and that we are gods and will rule the world
someday.
Scene 6
Beth’s bedroom. Long And Winding Road plays on Beth’s radio.
Beth: My mom makes me go out with Jewish boys. They are her
friends sons. They complain all the time because that’s what we Jews do, but
its good because they have no backbone so you can treat them however you want.
One of these nights, I’m going to set you up with “a nice Jewish boy” as my
mother would say.
Alice: Oooh, I’d like that.
Beth: Yeah, he’ll love it too because you’re not Jewish and
we regard all non-Jewish women as whores.
Scene 7
A porn theatre. Alice, Sammy Green, Beth, and Himy
Finklestine are sitting in their seats. Sammy keeps trying to touch
Alice.
Sammy: My hair hurts. My face hurts. This pop is too warm.
This popcorn is too cold.
Alice: I can’t watch this, Beth. I’m going to the lady’s
room.
Beth: Oh, yeah, neither can I. I’m coming with you.
(They make their way to the lady’s room. After a few
minutes, Sammy and Himy bang on the door.)
Sammy and Himy: Hey ladies, come out come out wherever you
are. We’re going home.
(Alice and Beth come out of the lady’s room. The four of
them walk out to Sammy’s car.)
Sammy: So, what did everybody think of the movie?
Himy: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
Sammy: Yeah, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow.
June 18
Today I received the ghastly news that Beth is going to have
to go away to summer camp for six weeks this summer. Her folks are going to
Europe for the summer and they are sending her to Camp Concentration.
Scene 8
Jill Peters’ house. Alice enters. There is a party going on.
Afton’s “First Day of Summer” album plays on the record player.
Alice: Hi, everyone. I brought my autograph book.
Jill: Alice, glad you could make it. Here, have a Coke.
Alice: Thank you. (She opens the Coke and drinks from it.
Jill passes out Cokes to the other kids and they do the same. Alice starts
laughing wildly. She sees blue, yellow and purple patterns going across the
ceiling.) (In her head) These are so beautiful. I just have to share them with
the others. (Out loud) A ga ga ag ga ag ga ag ga ga ag ga ga, oooooo. Ag ga ga
ag ga ag du mu dunha mujuvirbridkh nun mazzzorogrorowo. (In her head) I’ve
found the true and original language. This music is so beautiful.
(She starts seeing illusions. She starts dancing.)
Scene 9
Jill’s grandma’s guestroom. Alice and Jill enter.
Alice: So, what was with that Coke?
Jill: Oh, that was special Coke my dad brought home from
South Africa.
Alice: Oh.
Jill: And it had acid in it.
Alice: Oh.
Scene 10
An abandoned field. Alice and Bill Thomson are sitting in
Bill’s car.
Bill: Alice, have you ever tried torpedoes?
Alice: No.
Bill: Well, try some. (He hands her some. She takes them.
She starts hallucinating.
Scene 11
An abandoned field by an airport hangar. Alice and Bill are
sitting in Bill’s car.
Bill: Hey, Alice have you ever tried speed?
Alice: No.
Bill: Would you like to try some?
Alice: Sure.
Bill: OK, then (pulling out the needle) I’m going to have to
give you a shot. (He fills the needle and injects it into her arm.) Hey, Alice
have you ever flown a jet airplane?
Alice: No.
Bill: Then come on. (They get out of the car and go into the
hangar. Bill opens the door of a jet plane.) Get in the pilot’s seat. I’ll be
your co-pilot. Just put the key in the ignition, then push on the throttle.
(The plane taxies down the runway and takes off. The plane flies crazily for a
while.) Hey, Alice have you ever gone skydiving before?
Alice: No.
Bill: Then … we’re over a clearing right now. Head for those
trees over there. OK, now strap your parachute on. (They strap their parachutes
on.) Now, open the door and one … two … three. (They jump. The plane flies
crazily for a while longer and then crashes in flames.)
Gerda: (From the flaming wreckage) I’m OK.
Scene 12
Bill’s house. Bill, Alice and six other kids are sitting on
the living room floor. They have just dropped acid.
Alice: (In her head. Examining her hand) Wow, my hand is so
intricate. All the muscles and cells and bone. (She picks up a box of matches,
takes one out and lights her hand on fire.) And it’s always been on fire. I
never noticed that before. Thank you, acid.
(She kisses her hand.)
Scene 13
Alice’s grandmother’s garden. A tapping is heard at the back
gate. Alice’s grandmother answers it. Alice is standing there with her aunt,
uncle and cousin.
Gran: John, Judy, Roger, how nice to see you.
John: We heard about your husband’s heart attack and wanted
to come over to see him.
Gran: How nice of you. Come in. Alice, how about you and
Roger go into the kitchen and get some drinks and chips and dip.
Alice: OK.
(They go into the kitchen, get the drinks, chips and dip and
come out into the garden again.)
Roger: (To Alice) I’m going to military school for the next
year and a half. Then I want to become an engineer for the military. I want to
make a more powerful napalm and I’ve got some ideas about agent orange, too. I
want to make it red and purple and yellow and blue.
Alice: Wow, its like something out of Jules Vern.
Scene 14
The dining room of Alice’s house.
Mom: Alice, you’ve got to eat something. You haven’t even
touched your lamb chops. I thought they were one of your favourite dishes.
Alice: I haven’t touched them because you didn’t cook them.
Mom: Oh. (Picks up the lamb chops) This letter came for you
today from Roger.
(She hands her the letter)
Alice: (Reading) Dear Alice,
Every day that goes by you leave me wondering if you’re all
right. I am very concerned about you. I really care about you. If something
were wrong with you I don’t know what I’d do. I am tormented with worry.
So, Alice please answer me this one question: are you all right?
All My Love
Roger
(Writing) Yeah.
Scene 15
The living room. Alice enters.
Alice: I’m so glad the doctor gave me these tranquilizers.
(She takes one. There is a knock at the door.)
Mailman: Hi, Alice. There’s a letter here for you from your Eastern
Bloc pen pal Zlepvina.
Alice: Thank you. (She takes the letter and reads) Dear
Alice,
Ourpresident, who was elected in our first democratic
election recently has been overthrown and replaced by the brutal dictator
Vecrema Dribarka. He is planning no changes, except to totally cut our country
off from the rest of the world. It will also continue to not have a name. In celebration
of his win, Dribarka is killing everyone.
The previous government’s death squads also continue to go
from house to house killing everyone. They are burning down houses. They are
almost at ours.
The crops were bad again this year. As a result, we have no
food.
The water is still bad also so we have no water either. We have not eaten or
drunk anything in eight years.
My permanently drunk uncle is staying with us for an
undetermined period of time. He has beaten us severely and smashed everything
in the house.
I continue to suffer from lice, tooth decay, severe pain
throughout my entire body, a stabbing sensation in my foot, shingles, scabies
and calloused heels.
The landlord was by this morning to take all our money.
As always, our family lives with the stigma of having the
reputation for being the most dishonest, vulgar, slovenly family in the history
of our land, which will only become even more superspectacular under our new
dictator, who is bringing progress and is not just our leader to punish us for
daring to hold a democratic election, and I’m not just saying that because he
is standing over me holding a hot poker to my neck and pouring boiling hot oil
over my head.
Write back soon.
Sincerely Yours,
Zlepvina Mijnvaablrumjakroooncefvojzynua
Neat. (She begins to write) Dear Zlepvina,
Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. Right on. Death is truly in the sunrise and Fay is
riding a train. If we eat butterflies. The man in the shirt. Little baby Martians
will come out of the UFO‘s. Hold me as a material witness, OFFICER, I’m
guilty of somersaulting.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
PBEcause there’s three os in yahoo{.
The sidewalks of
dry wall being TOOOOO,OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO the thing a the is and a
the and is the a a is is IS )the liquid buildings of
hippopotumusssesiy_
Sincerely MmEe,
The Legion Of quicksand
P.S. If your uncle likes booze so much I bet he’ll love
torpedoes. I am enclosing some.
Scene 16
Richie’s house. The Bigroup’s album “Big Hammer” plays on
the record player. Alice, Richie, Chris, and Ted are sitting in the living
room.
Richie: I just discovered this new drug. Its called
torpedo speed benny’s. Hey, Alice do you want to try it?
Alice: Sure. (They all try the drug. Alice picks up a
peanut from a bowl on the coffee table.) Wow, are these peanuts ever salty.
Richie: Yeah, they’re those new salt peanuts.
Alice: Oh.
Richie: (Calling) Irving, Irving, Irving (A big-horned
sheep comes out of the bedroom) Come on, let’s walk on him.
(They walk on Irving. Everyone except Alice eventually
gets off. Irving heads for the door and goes out.)
Alice: Yippee.
Scene 17
Alice’s house. Richie and Alice enter. Alice’s parents
are sitting in the living room.
Alice: Mom, Dad, this is Richie.
Mom and Dad: Hello, Richie.
Dad: So, Richie, what do you plan to do with your life?
Richie: I plan to finish college and get a respectable
job of some kind. I also plan to get married and have children.
Dad: Exceptional.
Richie: Well, I have to be going now.
Dad: So long, Richie.
Mom: See you later, Richie.
Dad: That young man seems like a nice, clean-cut,
respectable boy.
Scene 18
An apartment. Alice, Chris and the landlord enter. When
the landlord opens the door, it swings crazily on its hinges and almost falls
off.
Landlord: Well, there goes that bet with myself. This is
one of my fine apartments. This is the living room/dining room/sitting room/parlour/den.
Ha, ha, I love to tell that joke. This is the kitchen, which comes with a
stove, of course. I love to tell that joke, too. (He turns on the stove and
flames shoot out) You’re going to want to fix that. This is the bathroom (As
they enter the bathroom, the bathtub falls through the floor) Don’t worry about
that. Mr. Manson down the hall will let you bathe at his place.
Chris: Do you mean Charles Manson?
Landlord: Yes.
Chris: Groovy! I have all his records.
Landlord: So, are you going to take it?
Chris: I guess. We have no choice.
Scene 19
Shelia’s apartment. Shelia, Alice, Chris, Orson Welles,
Walt Disney, Jimmy Durante, Katharine Hepburn, and Bob Hope are sitting around
smoking marijuana.
Bob Hope: This reminds me of the time Carmen Miranda and
I got high together. I ate all the fruit off her hat.
Katharine Hepburn: Yes, I have the munchies, too, but
Orson Welles is eating up all the food.
Orson Welles: (With his mouth full) Muuuuooooooom.
Walt Disney: Hey, Alice, its me, Mickey Mouse, as a hummingbird.
I’m going to drink nectar out of your head.
(He proceeds to do so.)
Alice: I knew moving to California was a good idea.
Chris: Yeah. Who’da thought the little town of
California, just a thirty minute drive from where we used to live, would give
us such cool experiences.
Scene 21
A psychiatrist’s office. Alice enters.
Psychiatrist: OH, Alice, hi. I’ve been expecting you.
Have a seat. So, what have you come to see me about again?
Alice: I was referred here by my mother because I got caught
smoking pot.
Psychiatrist: Really. Tell me all the details. I remember
smoking pot at Woodstock. It was wonderful. Do you have any on you?
Alice: No. Wait a minute. Woodstock! That was just last
year. No offense, Doc, but you don’t look young enough to have attended
Woodstock.
Psychiatrist: No, not Woodstock ’69. No, I was referring
to Woodstock ’49. No one knows about that one. My, it was wonderful. The big
bands reformed, there were cowboy singers, sea chanties, blues, rhythm and
blues. We really stuck it to the segregation man there, I’ll tell you. But, ah,
where was I? Oh yes, from whom did you obtain this marijuana, where does he
usually operate, what hours does he keep, and how would you rate it on a scale
of one to ten? Now, I realize these may be difficult questions to answer, Miss
Fictitious, but answering is the only way your case, and indeed, psychiatry as
a whole can proceed forward.
Scene 22
Denver. Alice is walking down the street. Stan Firm comes
up to her.
Stan: Hi.
Alice: Hello. How are you?
Stan: I’m fine. How are you?
Alice: Great. Hopefully things will be better now that
I’ve run away from home.
Stan: Why’d you run away from home?
Alice: Because my parents were constantly nagging me
about my hippy lifestyle and the fact that I use drugs.
Stan: Oh, what drugs do you use?
Alice: Acid, pot, torpedo speed Benny’s, uppers.
Stan: Have you ever sold?
Alice: Yeah, pot and acid.
Stan: You know what there’s a lot of money in?
Alice: What?
Stan: Raw milk. Do you wanna become a raw milk dealer?
Alice: Sure. OK.
Stan: Great. My name’s Stan. What’s yours?
Alice: Alice.
Stan: Well, follow me to my place and I’ll get you the
stuff.
Scene 23
A house. Alice approaches the house with the raw milk
just as the police are busting it.
Police Officer 1: (Dragging a man out of his house and
beating him along with another officer) We’ll teach you to drink raw milk.
Alice: I’m getting out of here!
Scene 24
Portland. It is raining. Alice is walking down the
street. She sees a clinic. She enters.
Alice: Hello.
Receptionist: Hey, man. What’s your hang-up.
Alice: I have a cold.
Receptionist: Well, walk right into Doc Benway’s office.
Appointment books, schedules are just a waste of time. You shouldn’t have to be
repressed by your cold just because you didn’t book an appointment.
Alice: Thanks. (She walks into Doctor Benway’s office)
Doctor Benway?
Doctor Benway: Yes.
Alice: I have a cold.
Dr. Benway: Oh, well, the fuzz has cracked down so I
can’t give you any pot, but I do have sea salt, direct from the ocean, and
curry powder, direct from the Far East. They contain minerals and other
ingredients to boost your immune system, thereby making your body able to fight
off the cold.
Alice: Thanks. I don’t have any bread.
Dr. Benway: That doesn’t matter. Just pick me up a loaf
of whole wheat and a loaf of rye when you can.
Scene 25
Portland. Alice is walking down the street. Doris comes
up to her.
Doris: Hi, my name’s Doris.
What’s yours?
Alice: Alice.
Doris: Do you do drugs?
Alice: Yes.
Doris: Wanta be friends?
Alice: Sure. Do you live with your parents?
Doris: No. See …
Flashback
Scene 26
A school gym. Students are on the floor in their gym
clothes.
Teacher: OK, gosh darn it, get your lazy flipping butts
up and flipping exercise. I wanna see sweat coming out of those pores, and I
mean trickling like a pleasant mountain stream.
Doris: Miss, I can’t do the exercise.
Teacher: Why not?
Doris: Well, you see, one of my ears is bigger than the
other, not much bigger, but enough that you would notice it if you were looking
through an electron microscope.
Teacher: Oh, and whose responsible for this?
Doris: My mother’s boyfriend. His physical abuse of me is
what caused this.
Teacher: Well, we better get you under an electron
microscope and have a look.
Scene 27
The science lab. Doris is lying under the electron
microscope.
Teacher: You’re right. We better get you into a foster
home.
Scene 28
The living room of the foster home. Doris and her four
brothers are sitting on the couch and in chairs.
Brother 1: Hey, Doris, why don’t you cut down a tree with
a herring.
Dorris: Stop it. Those are the kinds of hurtful thing
Mom’s boyfriend used to say.
Brother 2: Take off your shoe. I want to read the paper.
Doris: Stop it! Stop it!
Brother 3: That bucket is really tall.
Brother 4: Yeah.
(Doris runs from the room screaming)
Scene 29
Jane’s apartment. Jane and Doris are sitting in the
living room.
Doris: Oh, Jane, you’re my only real friend.
Jane: (Laughing maniacly) Why don’t you cut down a tree
with a herring.
(Doris runs away screaming)
Present
Scene 30
A truck. Alice and Doris are sitting in the cab.
Driver: So, where are you girls headed?
Alice: Southern California, to the big hippy rally.
Driver: Really?
(He then proceeds to beat Doris. She starts crying. He
stops beating her, then resumes after a while. Doris starts crying again and he
again stops.)
Doris: Hey, Alice, want to switch places?
There follows a montage of hippies dancing around with
rice crispy squares and Tang.
Scene 31
The backyard of the house where the hippy rally is taking
place. Alice and a white-faced girl are lying side by side.
Girl: I’m pregnant.
Alice: Oh. What are you going to do with it?
Girl: Gonna keep it. It will be everyone’s. We will all
share it.
Alice: Well, I hope you’re going to raise it specesless.
That way, baby can decide whether they want to be an animal, vegetable or
mineral for themselves.
Scene 32
The living room of the house in southern California.
Alice: Carl, I need a fix. Could you get me some coke?
Carl: I will if you do one little thing for me.
Alice: What’s that?
Carl: Become a raw milk dealer.
Alice: No, anything but that.
Carl: Well, its quite simple, really. No pushing the
creamy gold, no cocaine.
Alice: OK, I’ll do it.
Scene 33
The living room of the house in southern California.
Hippy 1: OK, Alice, you’ve gotta do this if you want to
become a true hippy.
Alice: What?
Hippy 2: Walk into a French restaurant, order a meal and
ask for salt.
(Alice gasps)
Scene 34
Chez Mohammed’s. Alice enters and sits down. A waiter
walks over.
Waiter: Bonjour madamoiselle. What would you like to eat.
Alice: I will have Le Salade, Le Hamburger and the Le Gateau
Avec. What is that, exactly?
Waiter: That is a cake with everything else on the menu
added to it.
Alice: OK, that sounds good.
Waiter: Excellent choices.
Alice: Say something in French again.
Waiter: Certainly. Le pomme mange le stylo.
Alice: Wow. And, could I have salt on Le Hamburger.
Waiter: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. You stupid
Americans, you want salt on your food, your mother was a human-size bottle of
soy sauce and your father was the world’s smallest container of onion dip. We
will never associate with you again, unless we need you to fight a war for us.
But, since you are so pretty, I will get you your salt.
Scene 35
Our Lady Of Perpetual Need. There is a big offering box
in the vestibule, the chapel and the hall. Alice enters, walks through these
rooms, then goes downstairs. She sees an office with a sign on the door saying
Beware The Calugo. She knocks.
Reverend Gomer Matlock: Come in.
Alice: Hello. My name is Alice. I was hoping I could talk
to you.
Rev. Matlock: Go right ahead.
Alice: Well, I fell in with the wrong crowd and got
involved in selling and doing drugs. I ran away from home last November to San
Francisco. Then I returned home, then got involved in using drugs again. My
friend’s parents caught my friend and I smoking pot, so I ran away to Denver,
then Portland, then came here for the big hippy rally a while back. I’ve become
a prostitute and a raw milk dealer.
Rev. Matlock: Well, do you want me to call your Dad to
come and get you?
Alice: Yes, please.
Rev. Matlock: OK, what’s your phone number?
Alice: 1-000-000-0000.
(Reverend Matlock pulls a gun out of his pocket, which he
mistakes for a phone and shoots himself in the foot eleven times.
Scene 36
The hallway of Alice’s school. Alice is walking down the
hall. Monty comes up to her.
Monty: Hey, Alice, got any dope?
Alice: No, Monty. I don’t deal or use dope anymore. I
have become clean, and from now on I’m going to concentrate on my schoolwork
and get good grades and be nice to my family and make good, respectable
friends.
Monty: Oh, man, I need some dope. (He starts shaking,
then howling like a wolf. He pulls a gun out of his pocket, which he mistakes
for a phone and shoots himself in the foot seven times.) Hello, Weeds, how much
do you charge? … No, per gram. … You remove weeds, you don’t sell dope? … Oh,
man.
Scene 37
Alice’s father’s office. Alice runs in.
Alice: Dad, Dad, someone put a joint in my purse.
Dad: Here, give it to me. (Alice hands him the joint and
he throws it into the fire) Now, Alice, you’ve got to be strong. Kids will keep
doing these things, but you have to not give in. You have to act like an adult.
You can’t come running into my office every time something like this happens.
You have to just be mature and throw it away. (He and Alice start laughing) So,
in the words of Winston Churchill, “Never give in and act like an adult.”
Alice: Dad, Winston Churchill didn’t say act like an
adult.
Dad: Oh, you’re right.
(They laugh hysterically)
Scene 38
The kitchen of Mrs. Larson’s house. Alice is babysitting.
Jan enters, smoking a joint.
Jan: Yeah, let’s get this party started. (She pulls out a
Jimmie Hendricks record and puts it on the record player) Come on, Alice, smoke
some. It’ll be just like it was when we used to hang out in the old days.
Alice: No, get out.
Jan: Woooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooo.
Alice: I’m going to call your mother to come and get you.
I’ll use Mrs. Larson’s phone. That gun gag has pretty much spent itself. (She
dials) Hello, Mrs. Jones. Your daughter is here. She is smoking dope and
listening to Jimmie Hendricks. Please come and get her. … OK, bye. (She hangs
up the phone, then takes the record off the record player. From the bedroom,
the baby starts crying.)
Baby: waaaaaa, waaaaaaa, waaaaaaa, want more Hendricks.
Jan: (Screaming) Shut up, baby. You sound like a women’s
studies major.
Scene 39
Mrs. Larson’s kitchen. Alice enters.
Alice: So, the baby’s fine, … oh, Mr. Larson must have
left this Klondike bar for me. (She eats the Klondike bar. Fade into a
commercial.)
Singers: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
Anncer: Would you stand on one foot? (Stands on one foot)
Would you walk backward? (Walks backward) Would you freak out like you were on
an acid trip? (Alice is shown trying to dial the phone. She starts seeing
psychedelic colours. She screams. A neighbour and her gardener come over. They
lock her in the closet. She tries to tear the plaster off the walls in an
attempt to get out.) Klondike Bars, available now in your grocer’s freezer.
Scene 40
The insane asylum. Alice and Babby are walking back to
their rooms.
Alice: What’s your name?
Babby: Babby.
Alice: What are you in here for?
Babby: Well, its like this.
Flashback
Scene 41
A movie theatre. On the screen:
Two spaceships are going across the plains of the old
west. A man, dressed up like a surfer and a woman are standing on the ground.
Man: I tell ya, baby, surfing is my life, and if I can’t
have that because you want to give it up, I’m going to jump off this prairie
and kill myself. (He jumps) I am dead now because I jumped. I committed
suicide.
Man: Wow, just like in the real old west. Hey, you,
pretty girl, what’s your name.
Babby: Babby.
Man: Well, who I am is not important. I’m your friend.
(He steals her unopened chocolate bar) Do you need anything?
Babby: I need money to get out of here.
Man: Sure, I just need you to sell some raw milk for me
first. That’s what a friend would do before he lent another friend money at 75
percent.
Babby: OK.
Scene 42
Los Angeles. Babby is walking down the street. A woman
comes up to her.
Woman: Hi, do you need a job?
Babby: Yes.
Woman: Then I have a job for you. Let’s go into this bar
and discuss it. (They enter the bar and sit down) Hey, bartender, where is
everyone?
Bartender: Oh, they’re out back hanging some lousy queer.
Woman: Oh. Then we shall just find another, more crowded
place to discuss our business. Good day to you.
(They exit.)
Scene 43
The woman’s apartment. Babby and four other girls are standing
around, listening very intently to the woman.
Woman: So, you girls will be servicing the men. (A knock
is heard at the door) There’s the first one now.
(The woman opens the door)
Man: I’m here to rescue all these girls. Come with me.
Woman: The magic plastic grocery bag said there’d be days
like this.
Present
Scene 44
Alice’s room in the insane asylum. It is night. A woman
is making sounds down the hall, such as thunder, the ocean, a jackhammer, a can
being opened, and a busy signal. Alice shakes with terror.
Scene 45
The lawn of the insane asylum. Alice, Babby, Tom and some
other kids are lying on the grass.
Alice: So, Tom, what are you doing here?
Tom: Well, I was a straight A student in junior high.
Last year, when I graduated grade 9, my friends and I sniffed glue to
celebrate.
Flashback
Scene 46
Tom and his friends are sitting on the living room floor
of his house, laughing with empty bottles of glue beside them.
Tom’s Father: (From upstairs) What are you kids doing
down there?
Tom: Nothing.
Tom’s Father: Don’t make me come down there. (They laugh
some more. Tom’s father enters the living room) Oh, you’re sniffing glue. Well,
feed the piranha before you go to bed.
Scene 47
New York. Alice’s father, mother, Alice, Tim, and
Alexandra are walking down the sidewalk. People keep offering them drugs. They
get on a subway, which is crowded, and end up standing by an old fat lady
holding onto a strap.
Old Lady: If I were sitting, I’d give up my seat for you.
Tim: If you were sitting, you’d give three seats for us.
Mom: This is kind of a special trip for us. Our
daughter’s just been released from the insane asylum.
Old Lady: That’s nice. Wanna buy some creamy gold?
Scene 48
Fawn’s house. Alice, Fawn, her father Buck, and her
mother Doe are sitting on the patio.
Alice: I’m so glad you invited me over, Fawn.
Fawn: You’re welcome. My sisters and I do water chicken
dance. Want to see?
Alice: Sure.
(Fawn jumps from the patio into the pool and starts doing
the chicken dance)
Scene 49
The kitchen of Alice’s house. Alice enters.
Alice: I think I’ll overdose on drugs and kill myself.
That way, no one can prove whether or not this whole thing actually happened.
(She opens the cupboard, takes out a bottle of pills and
swallows them all. She then disappears. Her parents enter.
Mom: Hey, kids, we’re back from the movie. Hmmm, Alice is
gone. Its like she never existed.
Dad: Beam me up, Scotty.
(He rises and disappears)
Closing credits.
Based on “Go Ask Alice” by Beatrice Sparks.
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