PARODY TIME-WELCOME HOME, MARY ANNE

WELCOME HOME MARY ANNE

Scene 1

The new house. Richard, Sharon and Mary Anne are standing outside, in front of the front door.

Richard: Well, let’s open the front door and take a look at our new house.

(They enter. The house is one big room with a floor of rough boards. There is an old camp stove in one corner, and some blankets on the floor in another corner.)

Sharon: What?

Richard: I don’t get it. The contractor promised he was going to turn the old barn into a beautiful open-concept house with an island countertop in the kitchen and a big dining room. He even promised me an herb garden.

Sharon: Richard, which contracting company did you hire?

Richard: Well, I didn’t contact a contracting company, as such. I was in the supermarket and this kind of shabby looking guy came up to me. He said he’d heard about the fire and he wanted to build us a new house. He shook my hand, I gave him five beans from the pound I’d just purchased and the deal was done. I don’t understand. How could this happen?

Mary Anne: I want to check out my room. I assume it’s through this partition.

(She goes to slide back a partition on the far side of the room.)

Richard: Don’t open that—

(A herd of cows enters the room.)

Sharon: Richard, don’t tell me.

Richard: You know that drunk, pot-smoking farmer who helped us out the night of the fire? Well, in gratitude, I promised him he could use half our house to keep his animals.

Mary Anne: Why can’t he keep his animals in his own barn?

Richard: Because he wants to hold raves in there.

Mary Anne: Well, where am I supposed to sleep?

Richard: Pull up a blanket and some floor, honey.

Scene 2

The airport. Sharon and Mary Anne are sitting in the arrivals area.

Mary Anne: I can’t wait to see Dawn again.

Sharon: Me, too. So, do you know anything about this friend she’s bringing along, Sunny?

Mary Anne: I’ve never met her, but Dawn says she’s really fun. She works as a birthday clown.

Sharon: She does sound like she’d be fun. Remember the clowns I used to get for your birthday parties?

Mary Anne: Yeah, but unlike them, Sunny doesn’t perform as part of a prison release work program.

Sharon: There they are!

(Sharon and Mary Anne run toward Dawn, Jeff and Sunny. Sunny has an expression

 Of complete sadness on her face. Mary Anne and Dawn hug.)

Mary Anne: (To Sunny) Welcome to Connecticut.

Sunny: Thanks, Mary Anne.

Jeff: Yo.

Dawn: I’m so excited. I can’t wait to do all the cool stuff we usually do together.

Jeff: Hey, is that family with all the kids still around?

Mary Anne: You mean the Pikes? Yeah, they’re still around.

Jeff: Cool. We could build a spaceship together or something.

Sharon: All set, then. Ready to go home?

Scene 3

The new house. Sharon, Mary Anne, Dawn, Jeff, and Sunny enter.

Dawn: Wow.

Sunny: It’s like my soul, incomplete and empty.

Sharon: Well, the good thing is the cracks in the walls let in a lot of sun.

Sunny: My idea of a perfect house is one that let’s in no sunlight at all.

Jeff: So, did our old house, like, burn down or something?

Richard: Yeah, kiddo, this is our new house, and you can have the wall above your blanket painted any colour you want.

Scene 4

A radio plays.

Anncr: Well, kids, it looks like it’s gonna be pretty hot out there, so, you might wanna find some way to feel less hot or something.

Fade in on the inside of the new house. Everyone is lying on the floor.

Sharon: Well everyone, it’s a new day.

Sunny: Great. A new day so the people of the world can experience more hatred, inhumanity, war, and environmental destruction.

Richard: So, anyone have any good dreams last night?

Sunny: Yes, I dreamed I was kidnapped by terrorists and stuffed in a woodchipper.

Scene 5

The pool. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are lying on beach towels on the pooldeck.

Dawn: This was such a great idea I had for us to go to the pool. You need a new boyfriend, Mary Anne.

Mary Anne: I don’t know. There aren’t many boys here yet.

Dawn: Look, there’s Cole West. He plays Junior Varsity basketball, doesn’t he?

Mary Anne: Him? He’s a ninth-grader. He’s like ten years younger than the guys I usually date.

(Cole West swaggers over to the girls.)

Dawn: Hey. What’s up?

Cole: Me, yo, I’m high on crack.

Dawn: Cool. Well, I’m Dawn, and this (Pausing) is Mary Anne. She just dumped the old man and she’s on the prowl.

Cole: Hey, didn’t you used to go out with Logan Bruno? He’s my connection.

Mary Anne: Yeah. I broke up with him so I could date guys with more money.

Cole: Well, I got a bit o’ cash, some rock left and I just stole a car out this old lady’s driveway. Whadoya say we cruise around for a few days.

Mary Anne: Sure.

(They all follow Cole out to his car.)

Scene 6

The Pikes’ house. Mary Anne and Kristy are sitting on the couch, rum and cokes in hand.

Kristy: So did you have fun in Tijuana with Cole West?

(Jordan enters.)

Jordan: When’s dinner?

Kristy: Well, I’ve ordered a pizza. I don’t know what you kids are going to have.

Jordan: You two suck so bad.

Kristy: Gee, we’ve never heard that from any of our babysitting charges before. (Jordan exits) What’s the matter? You’re usually the first one to speak up when the kids give us lip.

Mary Anne: Oh, I guess Sunny’s worn me out.

Kristy: Oh. So, how was Tijuana?

Mary Anne: Wonderful. I’m hoping we can go back there soon if Cole can get that manslaughter charged dropped. I mean, what was Cole supposed to do? The guy was in his way.

(A knock is heard at the door. Mary Anne and Kristy answer it.)

Pizza Delivery Boy: One medium pepperoni pizza.

Mary Anne: Hey, delivery boy, ever been to Tijuana?

Scene 7

The movie theatre. Mary Anne, Dawn, Sunny, Cole, Jason, and Alex are sitting in their seats, watching zombies tear people apart.

Cole: I hope you enjoy this movie. I’ve always thought chicks liked zomby movies.

Sunny: I can really identify with the huge amounts of dismemberment and death.

Alex: Yeah, pretty awesome, eh?

Sunny: Yeah, but it looks kind of fake. Why couldn’t they have used real zombies and real victims?

Scene 8

The Rosebud. Everyone is sitting at a table, drinking milkshakes.

Dawn: Hey, remember down in Tijuana when we were dancing to that loud music at that bar?

Cole: Yeah, I thought we’d get kicked out of that ballet school for sure.

(Sunny sighs heavily throughout this exchange.)

Jason: What’s her problem?

Mary Anne: Oh, she gets like that from time to time.

Scene 9

The house. Everyone is lying on the floor, under their blankets.

Mary Anne: (To Dawn and Sunny) Are you guys up yet?

Dawn: Come on over.

(Mary Anne throws off her blanket and crawls over to Dawn and Sunny.)

Sunny: Hey, Mary Anne, we were just talking about you and Cole.

Mary Anne: Right. About that—

Sunny: He is so _not right for you. I thought he was at first, but now I can tell he’s not.

Mary Anne: What—

Sunny: I know it might be hard to cut him loose, especially since he seems to have access to lots of good drugs. I know how you are about hurting people’s feelings. But we’ll figure out some way for you to let him down easily, or failing that, I know some guys who can get either you or him out of the country for a while, whatever you prefer.

Mary Anne: Sunny, I—

Dawn: Forget it, Mary Anne. No matter what you think, Sunny’s made up her mind.

Sunny: So, anyway, you’ll dump Cole. Okay, okay, you don’t have to _dump him. I’ll call my contacts in Mexico and—

Mary Anne: Sunny, Sunny, I don’t want to go out with Cole again anyway. I mean, he’s got the drugs and he’s got the car and everything else, but it’s all from somebody else. If a guy’s not smart enough to have his own lab and work out his own deals to get cars, he’s not worth dating.

Dawn: Well, that’s a relief. Did you see those two loosers Cole brought along last night?

Sunny: I know, that Jason was a total Zit farm.

Mary Anne: Yeah, and I could tell by the way Alex was acting that he constantly gets passed bad rock.

Sunny: Yeah, what loosers. Anyway, those guys are so yesterday, literally. It’s time for us to move on.

Mary Anne: Move on? Do we have to?

Sunny: Absolutely. What you need, I’ve decided, is an older guy.

Mary Anne: What?

Sunny: An older guy. Someone mor mature. More exciting. Someone more-_experienced.

Mary Anne: Oh no. That’s not what I need at all.

Sunny: Sure you do. Believe me, there’s nothing like an older guy. They are _so romantic, and so much cooler than those twenty-something loosers you’ve been dating. Like this guy Carson I was seeing for awhile. He was older, and he was so awesome. We met at the beach. He told me he used to host a late-night talk show. Sometimes his friend McMann would tag along. Carson called him his sidekick.

Dawn: Carson? You’re not saying that he would have made a good boyfriend for Mary Anne, are you?

Sunny: Of course not! But someone _like him. Someone who’s lonely and close to death and hates all his relatives.

Mary Anne: Sunny—

Sunny: Don’t thank me. And don’t worry about a thing. I know just what you want, and I intend to find him for you before I go back home. That’s my fondest wish, to see you with a rich new boyfriend with lots of connections.

Mary Anne: Well, I’m going to go get dressed. I guess I’ll see you guys when I come back in the house. Also, Sunny, I’m really glad you’re feeling better this morning.

(Sunny bursts into tears. The Pike boys enter.)

Together: Yo, Jeff. Time to wake up.

Mary Anne: Jeff’s blanket is over there. He’s probably not up yet.

Jeff: (Getting out from under his blanket) Yo, where am I.

Jordan: The decorating squad is here! We’re gonna decorate the wall above your spot on the floor.

Byron: Yeah, how do you want your section of wall decorated, buddy.

Adam: Personally, I was thinking we could just splash the wall with all different colours of paint.

Jeff: Sounds totally cool. Let’s do it.

(There follows a montage of Jeff and the Pike boys splashing different colours of paint on Jeff’s section of wall, as well as everywhere else.)

Scene 9

The house. A knock is heard at the door. Sharon answers it. A delivery boy is standing at the front door. He looks inside the house, sees the psychedelic colours and starts tripping. Sharon takes the tray the boy is holding from him.

Sharon: Jeff, in honour of you painting the section of wall above your blanket, we’ve ordered you a big take-out dinner.

Richard: Yuppers. We’ve got lasagna, garlic bread, Caesar (pronouncing it Kaiser) salad, and chocolate brownies and ice cream for dessert.

Jeff: Whoa.

(Everyone sits down on the floor and starts shoveling in the food.)

Dawn: You know what this lasagna reminds me of?

Richard: A package of rubber bands?

Dawn: Yes, but it also reminds me of the time when we were going to make spaghetti for Mom, and we decided to cook the sauce in the pressure cooker. Jeff and I had no clue how to work that thing.

Mary Anne: Heck, Jeff has trouble working a doorknob.

Jeff: That I do, bros!

Dawn: So, we were cooking the spaghetti sauce in the pressure cooker and then Kristy called up to say there was going to be this last minute fight over me down at the train tracks. So, anyway, I left the house with everything still cooking and caused a huge fire.

Sharon: Yeah, I remember that. Was that on my birthday?

Dawn: No, it was Mother’s Day.

Sharon: All I know is I got really drunk that night.

Richard: Then it could have been any night of the week.

Mary Anne: Ah, memories.

(Sunny bursts into tears and runs away from the area where everyone is eating.)

Sharon: What’s her problem?

Dawn: Oh, Sunny’s just upset because we’re sitting here talking about the good times we’ve had as a family and her parents were recently killed in a fiery car crash.

Richard: Dawn, why didn’t you tell us about that before?

Dawn: I didn’t think it was important enough to mention.

Mary Anne: I better go talk to her. (She goes over to the corner where Sunny is sitting) Sunny, it’s me, Mary Anne.

Sunny: Oh.

Mary Anne: What are you doing in my dad’s room? Listen, I was wondering, I mean, I just wanted you to know—I mean, I don’t mean to pry. I just thought you might want to talk, you know, about—

Sunny: I don’t want to talk about anything.

Mary Anne: I know it’s hard. Like at dinner. I know how that can be, watching everybody else be this happy family.

Sunny: Was that not a riot, about the huge fire Dawn caused in the kitchen?

Mary Anne: (Laughs) Yeah, I thought Dad was going to disown Dawn and Jeff for sure. (Yawns) Well, I guess I’ll head to bed.

Scene 10

The yard. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are taking turns swinging on the rusty swing attached to the tree in the front yard.

Sunny: Well, I’ve seen everything there is to see in Stoneybrook. We’ve been to the pool, the mall, all the bars, the track, and all three casinos. This isn’t a bad town. But it’s limited. I mean, there are only so many people here, and so many places to see. There’s only one really good opium den.

Mary Anne: Chang’s House Of Oriental Good Stuff is a pretty good opium den for a town this size.

Sunny: True. But don’t you want to see more? Don’t you want to experience all the exotic alcoholic beverages the world has to offer? Don’t you want to drink those beverages already familiar to you in a different time zone? Don’t you want to try bungy jumping on meth?

Dawn: Exactly what are you suggesting? (She doesn’t answer) Sunny? Tell us what you’re planning.

Sunny: I’m planning something amazing. I’m planning a trip to the most exciting city in the world. Tomorrow. The three of us.

Mary Anne: I don’t know if my dad will--

Sunny: (Shaking her head) This has nothing to do with your dad. This is just us. Off to Monty Carlo for a magical six weeks on our own! And nobody has to know.

Dawn: You mean you want us to sneak off all the way to Canada?

Sunny: Monty Carlo is in Monaco, in Europe.

Dawn: Sunny. You’re kidding, right?

Sunny: Kidding? Why should I be kidding?

Mary Anne: You want us to sneak off to Europe by ourselves without telling anyone?

Sunny: That’s the general idea. Why is that such a big deal?

Mary Anne: It’s just—

Sunny: You’ve been there before on your own, haven’t you? With Stacey?

Mary Anne: Well, yes. But we had permission. And a plan.

Dawn: Never mind from whom or for what.

Sunny: We can make a plan. It would be more fun without one, but a plan is fine. And as for permission—That’s just a formality. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. But I want to go tomorrow, and if we ask now, there’ll be one of those long drawn-out decision processes that parents are always involved in. They’ll torture us with “maybe” and “we’ll see” and the next thing you know it’ll be time for me to head back to California.

Dawn: Sunny. Sunny, listen to me.

Sunny: Yes, _ma’am.

Dawn: (Sighing) Look, I’d love to go to New York. It’s a great city, no question about it. And I’d love to show you all the major landmarks, like the Empire State Building and the Statue Of Liberty. We could even go to Ellis Island. That is a totally cool place to visit. We could even go to the site of the mosk or chess centre or whatever it is they’re building at Ground Zero. But why don’t we just wait for the weekend and make it a family trip? I know my mom would love to go too. Richard always has a good time in the city. And Jeff? You could walk him around a wheat field for ten hours and he’d think it was cool so his opinion is of no real concern.

Mary Anne: I thought we were going to Monty Carlo.

Sunny: Dawn, Dawn, Dawn. You know I adore your family. They’ve been wonderful to me. So don’t take this the wrong way. But your dad’s an oaf, your mom’s a lush and your brother should be in a group home. A family trip is _so not what I’m talking about.

Dawn: Oh, no? Then why don’t you tell us what you’re talking about, Sunny.

Sunny: You don’t have to get all bent out of shape, you know. Come on, this is about fun.

Dawn: I like fun. Go on.

Sunny: All right. Here’s the thing. Seeing sites like you were talking about in New York is fun for tourists. Sure, we could see all the casinos in Monty Carlo and gaze at the ocean and tour the royal palace and everything like that. Don’t say it. I know, I’m visiting from California. That makes me a tourist. And someday I’d love to do all the touristy type stuff. But what I’m talking about is different. I want to see the _real Monty Carlo. The Monty Carlo that Monty Carloans, … Monty Carlins, … the people in Monty Carlo see. Wait a sec. Don’t move.

(Sunny runs into the house.)

Dawn: (Closing her eyes) _What is she thinking?

Mary Anne: I don’t know.

Dawn: Shh. She’s coming back.

(Sunny comes back out into the yard waving a magazine.)

Sunny: Check this out. (Reading) Come see the seedier side of Monty Carlo. Where do the down-and-outers live after they’ve blown all their money at this city’s famous casinos?

Dawn: What does that have to do with any of us?

Sunny: You aren’t listening, are you? If we see the seedier side of Monty Carlo, we’ll get to meet the real residents of Monty Carlo. The city is their environment. They know what to do, where to go to have a great time because they’ve blown their entire fortune living it up. Shopping is a part of that because they’ll know all the high-end stores where they can’t get a line of credit, but so are the restaurants where the matre-dis shoos them away as soon as she sees them coming and the clubs where they always sneak in and get beaten up and kicked out by the bouncer.

Mary Anne: Clubs? You mean, like, with music and-and everything?

Sunny: (Pats Mary Anne’s hand) Take a deep breath, Mary Anne. Don’t worry. I’m not suggesting anything wild here. But wouldn’t you at least like to sneak a peek at the kinds of clubs formerly rich citizens of Monty Carlo used to hang out in regularly? Look. It’s not such a big deal.
Tomorrow, as soon as Sharon and Richard make their first run to the liquor store, we’ll head for the airport. We’ll use our fake ID’s to buy tickets, and then we’ll use the people we know at the airport to get through security double quick. We’ll probably be gone for three days before they know what’s happened, and in six weeks, by the time they’ve figured out a plan of action to search for us, we’ll be back in the states.

Mary Anne: How did you figure all that out?

Sunny: I have my sources. (Looking into Mary Anne’s eyes) Look. I really need this. I’m not going to beg, but it would mean a lot to me if you guys agreed to go.

Mary Anne: Well, you seem to have subtly convinced me. Let’s go.

Dawn: Okay. We’ll go.

Scene 11

The airplane. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are on their way to Monty Carlo.

Mary Anne: What did Stacey say when you told her we were going to Monty Carlo?

Dawn: She was so jealous! She said if she didn’t have a sitting job today she’d come with us.

Mary Anne: Gee, that doesn’t usually stop her.

Dawn: Yeah, go figure, eh.

Scene 12

The house. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny enter the front yard on their bikes. Richard and Sharon are standing in the front yard with all their stuff.

Mary Anne: Monty Carlo was awesome.

Dawn: I know. We should go back there real soon. (Stops her bike) What’s wrong, Richard and Mom?

Sharon: The drunk, pot-smoking farmer who helped us out the night of the fire came by. He saw the cool psychedelic colours Jeff and the Pike boys painted the house and he decided he wanted to use this house for a dance club instead of his barn. Long story short, he forced us off our land. We’re homeless now.

Mary Anne: Well, let’s go down to the Rosebud for a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Closing credits.

Based on “Welcome Home, Mary Anne” by Anne M. Martin.

PARODY TIME-THE FIRE AT MARY ANNE'S HOUSE

THE FIRE AT MARY ANNE’S HOUSE

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne wakes up.

Richard: (From another room) Mary Anne, wake up. There’s a fire.

(Mary Anne scoops up her cat and runs out her bedroom door and down the stairs.)

Sharon: I’ll grab the pictures and the books.

Mary Anne: I’ve got my journals and keepsakes.

Richard: I’ll grab our wallets and all our important papers.

Sharon: Run, everyone. Run.

(They exit the house and start running down the road.)

Scene 2

A country road. Mary Anne and her family are running down the road when they see a wagon approaching.

Sharon: Oh, sir, please, could we stay with you for the night?

Farmer: Sure. What happened?

Richard: Our house caught fire. It would only be temporary, till we could find another place to stay.

Farmer: Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Climb aboard the happy haywagon. Let’s partay. Hey lady, that’s a real pretty nightgown. Is that a tablecloth?

(They climb aboard the haywagon, which is piled with bales of marijuana.)

Scene 3

The farmer’s house. It is rundown and has no furniture.

Richard: I think we should go back and try to salvage what we can.

Farmer: No. I forgot to call the fire department, so the house is burned to the ground. Let’s party.

…

They sing Pretty In Pink.

…

Farmer: Feel free to use the gym.

Richard: Who’s gym. Shouldn’t I ask him before I use him for something?

…

Farmer: Hey, wanna hear my Jean Cretien impression?

…

(Richard sees a sign that says Laundry Room.)

Richard: Oh no, I’m entering Chinatown.

…

(Mary Anne, her family and the farmer are watching Attack On The Queen.)

Navigator. Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.

Officer: Shut the **** up. We know.

…

Richard: Hey, I’m finished this bottle of whisky. Where’s the recycling box?

Farmer: Recycling box? What’s that?

(They fight.)

…

Richard and the farmer oink like pigs.

…

Farmer: Yup. I prefer a vegetarian diet: steak, pork and fish.

…

Mary Anne: Thick ice. Thick ice. Thick ice.

(Richard slugs her with his whisky bottle.)

Richard: I am my own recycling box.

(He swallows the whisky bottle whole)

Farmer: Where’s that music coming from?

Mary Anne: There is no music.

Farmer: I guess from nowhere, then. Speaking of music…

(He starts to sing Pretty In Pink in a really twangy voice.)

…

Farmer: OK, I am going to launch the space shuttle. Twenty –three … twenty-four.

Richard: Count down, stupid.

…

(The TV is off.)

Farmer: This program sucks.

(He eats the TV.)

…

(The farmer starts watching Rocky And Bullwinkle on another TV, then projects it to the others.)

…

Farmer: Life Is A Highway. How dare you.

Closing credits.

Based on “The Fire At Mary Anne’s House” by Anne M. Martin.

PARODY TIME-STACEY MCGILL...MATCHMAKER?

STACEY MCGILL … MATCHMAKER?

Scene 1

The living room. Stacey is sitting on the couch with a book. Her mom enters.

Maureen: So, Stacey, did you finish the first chapter of Pride And Prejudice yet?

Stacey: No.

Maureen: Me nither. I couldn’t be bothered.

Stacey: Yeah. Besides, for a mother-daughter reading group, don’t you technically have to have more than one mother-daughter pair?

Maureen: Yeah. What are you going to do now?

Stacey: I have to go over to the Brookes, you know, that new family that just moved in down the street.

Maureen: Want me to drive you over there?

Stacey: No. I can walk.

Maureen: OK, but John Brooke is recently divorced, and let’s just say I’m ready to start dating again.

(Stacey bolts out the door, whips a bobby-pin out of her pocket, jimmies open the lock and gets in.)

Scene 2

John Brooke’s front door. Stacey knocks.

John: Hello.

Stacey: Hi, I’m Stacey McGill and this is my mom Maureen.

John: Oh. Well, why don’t you go inside and introduce yourselves to the kids while Maureen and I sit out here and talk.

Stacey: OK. (Stacey goes inside the house. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor watching TV) Hi, I’m Stacey, your baby-sitter.

Joni: Hi, I’m Joni. I’m nine.

Ewan: Hi, I’m Ewan. I’m five. Do you think Ewan’s a stupid name? Kids keep making fun of me.

Stacey: Yeah, but I don’t think they’re making fun of you because of your name. (A big smile spreads across Ewan’s face.) So, I hear your Mommy recently left your Daddy.

Joni: Yeah, she left to host a TV morning show in Atlanta. Someday she says she’s coming back for us.

Ewan: (Excitedly) Yeah, she says she’s coming back for us when elephants fly. She just sent us a tape of her morning show. Could we watch it?

Stacey: Sure.

(Stacey puts the tape in the Vcr. Mrs. Brooke appears onscreen.)

Mrs. Brooke: Welcome back. Before we get back to endless Saved By The Bell reruns, I’d like to tell you about where we are today. We are at a graduated cylinder factory. With me is Bill, the foreman. So, Bill, what is a typical day like at a graduated cylinder factory?

Bill: Well, we make the graduated cylinders, and we put the stuff in the machine, and make the graduated cylinders, and we make the graduated cylinders.

Scene 3

John’s house. Stacey and Maureen enter. Joni and Ewan are watching TV on the floor.

John: Hello. Stacey, the kids are watching TV and your mother and I will be going down to the basement if you need us.

(They go down to the basement.)

Joni: (To Stacey) I hate you.

Stacey: The feeling is mutual but why?

Joni: You’re trying to set Dad up with your mom so they’ll fall in love and get married, and I don’t want a new mom.

Stacey: Well, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

Joni: Yeah, Dad’s down in the basement now showing your mom his career.

Stacey: His career?

Joni: He has a meth lab.

Stacey: Really. Well, do you guys want to play a game or something?

Joni: Let’s play Insult Stacey.

Ewan: Yay, I love Insult Stacey.

Joni: Your hair is so ugly it looks like someone took some barbed wire and adhered it to your head.

Ewan: You’re so fat that when you go into the hospital, they have to pump fat into you instead of IV solution.

Joni: You’re so ugly you turned all the milk in our fridge sour, and the thing about that is it’s true.

Scene 4

The kitchen of Stacey’s house. John knocks on the door and then enters.

Maureen: Hello, John. How are you?

John: Pretty good. How are you?

Maureen: Oh, a lot better since you walked into the room.

John: I have that effect on people

Stacey: Well, mostly your career has that effect on people.

John: The reason I came over is I was thinking

Maureen: Well, you better stop. Once people know you can think they expect you to do it all the time. That’s why I never do it.

John: Well, then let’s use a verb you’re more used to using. I was being lazy, the kids hate you and Stacey, we’ve only known each other a few weeks, could we come over for Thanksgiving?

Maureen: Sure.

Scene 5

Stacey’s house. A whole bunch of empty and unused dishes are sitting on the kitchen counter and dining room table.

Maureen: Well, I just hope everyone appreciates all the hard work that went into preparing this.

Stacey: Yeah, finding some of those dishes was hard, and can you believe Mrs. Pike almost wouldn’t give up her serving bowl? Just because she has eight kids and a whole bunch of people coming over.

Maureen: Fortunately some of the fruits of John’s career I promised her convinced her to loan it to us.

(A knock is heard at the door. John, Joni and Ewan enter. John’s arms are loaded with boxes.)

John: We’re here, in case you didn’t notice, which with you two is very likely.

Maureen: (Insincerely) Oh, you didn’t have to bring all that food.

John: No, this isn’t food. This is booze. I know you’re terribly busy preparing dinner but help me carry the rest in anyway.

Scene 6

The living room of Stacey’s house. John and Maureen are sitting on the couch, drunk. Funkplex by The B-52s plays in the background. Joni, Ewan and Stacey are sitting on the floor.

Joni: Dad, why are you listening to this kind of music. You hate it.

John: Darn it, Joni, I was almost there. I gotta go get some of my merchandise.

(John runs out of the house.)

Scene 7

The living room of Stacey’s house. Stacey and Maureen are sitting on the couch. Joni and Ewan are sitting on the floor.

Maureen: Well, I don’t think I’ll be dating John for awhile.

Stacey: Why?

Maureen: Because he’s going to be in jail for a long time.

Stacey: Oh yeah?

Maureen: Yeah, he got some of his merchandise, stole a tank and drove it around town.

Stacey: I don’t think he should have stolen the tank.

Joni: I hate you. I’m going to make sure the Bsc is over for good.

Stacey: Well, it’ll give me more time for shopping.

Closing credits.

Based on “Stacey McGill…Matchmaker” by Anne M. Martin.

PARODY TIME-MARY ANNE'S BIG BREAKUP

MARY ANNE’S BIG BREAKUP

 

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s room. Mary Anne is looking through a shoebox full of cards and letters. Sharon enters.

Sharon: What do you have there?

Mary Anne: Everything I’ve ever written to Logan.

Sharon: Why do _you have them?

Mary Anne: He loaned them to me so I could re-create my journal. It was his idea. Can you believe he’s kept everything I’ve ever sent him? Isn’t that sweet? (Gazing down at the box) It looks like it’s all here.

Sharon: That’s extremely sweet. Logan is so tenderhearted.

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Sharon: I’m glad you found someone who’s so much like you.

Mary Anne: Sharon, do you think I’m wimpy?

Sharon: No, why would you ask such a thing? I mean, look at what you’ve gone through. You grew up without a mother. You had your father, but he was strict. Then again, the whole growing up without a mother thing can’t be good for anyone, no matter how great the father is.

Mary Anne: Well, I feel like I’m wimpy because I want to break up with Logan and play the field but I don’t think I can get up the courage to do it.

Sharon: Sure you can. You can dump that bastard like a bad habit. Also, I came in to tell you you’re five minutes late for your BSC meeting.

Mary Anne: I better go. (She runs out of her room) It’s just too bad I have to go through a bar to enter and leave the house.

She enters the bar. A guy starts running after her. “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga plays in the background. Mary Anne exits.

Jeremy: Bu bu bu bu bu bu bucker face. It’s buckerface.

Justin: Hey, Jeremy, you chasin that one in the purple?

Jeremy: Yeah.

 

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. Mary Anne runs in. Kristy is sitting in her director’s chair.

Kristy: Whoa, Mary Anne, who’s chasing you?

Mary Anne: Those guys from the bar we live behind. I was afraid I was going to be late.

Kristy: Don’t worry about it.

Mary Anne: You mean you don’t care if we’re late anymore?

Kristy: No, this club has pretty much gone to heck in a bucket anyway.

Stacey and Claudia enter and sit down. The phone rings. Claudia answers it.

Claudia: Hello, Baby-sitters Club. Hi Mrs. Rodowsky …. For next Saturday night. At five. OK, we’ll call you right back.

Mary Anne reaches under the bed, pulls out the record book and glances through it.

Mary Anne: Uh oh. No one is free next Saturday.

Claudia: That’s right. Stacey is going to be smoking pot behind the library, I’m going to be helping Mongrel and Weasel with the liquor store heist, Kristy’s going to be hanging out in the front part of my house, and Mary Anne’s got to take care of some witnesses from one of Mongrel and Weasel’s previous jobs.

Kristy: We’ll have to call up Logan.

Mary Anne: Ah, Logan.

Stacey: What’s the matter. You say his name like it’s something awful, like _school or _job.

Mary Anne: I want to break up with Logan and play the field.

Claudia: Why would you want to do that?

Mary Anne: Because it’s quite evident that his rich family isn’t going to give me any money

Stacey: Then by all means,you get out there, girl.

Kristy: I don’t know. I mean, are you absolutely sure his family isn’t going to give you any money?

Mary Anne: Pretty sure.

Stacey: Shouldn’t we call Logan and get back to Mrs. Rodowsky about next Saturday?

Kristy: No, I frankly lost interest in anything to do with this club anymore.

Claudia: Everything except this!

She reaches under her pillow and pulls out a coffee can full of pot. The girls cheer.

Stacey: How do you sleep at night with that thing under your pillow?

Claudia: I use these.

She opens her sock drawer and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills.

 

Scene 3

The Argo Diner. It is really the front room of a shabby looking house. An old tape of a CFL game plays loudly in the background. Logan and Mary Anne are sitting at a table with one leg missing. Mrs. Smith, the waitress and one of the proprietors slams the plates of food down on the table.

Mary Anne: Logan, we need to talk.

Logan: About what.

Mary Anne: Us.

Logan: Us? You mean you’re remedial spelling test. Like I told you, it is I t, the is t h e, us is u s, meaning u and s, not U.S. like the country, and a and I are just a and i.

Mary Anne: No, not that. I wanted to talk about our relationship.

Logan: What about it?

Mary Anne: Well, it seems like we always do what you want to do. You’re the one who makes all the decisions.

Logan: Well, where would you have liked to have gone for dinner tonight?

Mary Anne: Well, here. I mean this place is the best.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) Hon, get me a beer.

Mrs. Smith: (From the living room) Get it yourself. Cripes, you drink so much of it in one evening I should just get you kegs.

Mr. Smith: I can’t drink from those anymore after the doctor told me to stop because I’d gotten waterlogged so many times.

Mrs. Smith: Screw you.

Mary Anne: It’s just that, it seems like you never consult me on anything.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) That’s not it at all. Ten to one she just wants to play the field, the little bitch.

Logan: Is that what it is?

Mary Anne: Actually, that’s exactly what it is.

Logan: I’m leaving.

Mary Anne: Yeah, I’m done my food too.

They exit. Mrs. Smith comes into the front room.

Mrs. Smith: You forgot to pay for the food.

Logan: Screw you.

Mary Anne: If it’s any consolation, we weren’t planning to pay anyway.

 

Scene 4

The street in front of Claudia’s house.

Mary Anne: I just hope we can still be friends.

Logan: Still be friends?! Still be friends?!

Mary Anne: Yeah, like they taught me in remedial spelling class. S T I L B E E E F E N D S.

Logan: You want us to still be friends. In other words, you want to get together every couple weeks so you can tell me about all your problems with your friends and whatnot, because being your ex-boyfriend I know you more deeply than anyone. Then, after we’ve talked about those problems with your friends and things like that, you’ll drop me like a hot potato until the next time you need to talk to someone about how stupid Claudia is and how she always screws up the jobs Mongrel and Weasle give her to do.

Claudia comes running up to them.

Claudia: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Mary Anne: I just broke up with Logan.

Claudia puts her hand to her mouth and laughs.

Claudia: Let’s go inside.

Mary Anne and Claudia go into Claudia’s house. A police car speeds to a stop.

Officer: Darn, the bitch we were after for that liquor store robbery ran inside her house and we don’t have an arrest warrant. Let’s arrest this guy.

Logan: You can’t do that. I haven’t done anything wrong that you’ve managed to catch me for and plus, I’ll miss football practice tomorrow.

Officer: You’ve got kind of long hair. People’ll suspect you of something dirty. We’ll convince a jury for sure.

 

Scene 5

Claudia’s room. Claudia and Mary Anne are sitting on Claudia’s bed.

Claudia: Codeen or acid?

Mary Anne: Both, please.

Claudia: Definitely. Mescalen?

Mary Anne: Sure.

Claudia: Cocaine? Heroine?

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Claudia: Let’s go over to your house.

Mary Anne: Sounds like a good idea.

 

Scene 6

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing beside her locker. Some boys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: Hey, Mary Anne. We just thought you’d be interested to know we’re gonna hoist you on top of the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Let me guess. This is because I broke up with Logan.

Football Player 2: Exactly.

Mary Anne: Look, it’s like I keep saying. I wanted to play the field so I broke up with Logan. Isn’t that a good reason?

Football Player 1: But you broke his heart.

Mary Anne: Why do boys always have to stick together?

Football Player 2: Well, it’s not a matter of loyalty. We just want to hoist you onto the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Oh. … You want to go out sometime.

 

Scene 7

Logan’s house. Mary Anne knocks on the front door. Mrs. Bruno answers it.

Mrs Bruno: Hi, Mary Anne. How are you?

Mary Anne: Pretty good.

Mrs. Bruno: Logan’s at football practice but I don’t know what he’s going to do afterwords and I don’t know when I’ll be finished my bender so just leave whenever you want.

Mary Anne: OK. Where are the kids?

Mrs. Bruno: I don’t know where Kerry and Hunter are. Anyway, I have to go. Bye.

Mary Anne enters the house and opens the liquor cabinet. She gets out a bottle of brandy and sits on the couch. A brick whizzes past her head, narrowly missing her.

Mary Anne: Hey!

Kerry and Hunter enter.

Kerry: We just want to say that we don’t like you anymore because you broke up with Logan.

Mary Anne: I think we need to talk. Come sit down beside me.

Kerry and Hunter sit down beside Mary Anne.

Hunter: You don’t like Logan anymore.

Mary Anne: No, it’s not that I don’t like Logan anymore. It’s just … well, you ever known someone who loved someone, then they found out that someone didn’t own all the cool stuff they said they had, and you realized you weren’t going to play all the video game systems they had, or ride that horse they said they kept in the crawlspace under the stairs, and you still loved the person, but you wanted to find more people to love in hopes they would have the cool stuff you wanted?

Kerry: Do you mean like friends or like a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Mary Anne: I mean like a boyfriend and girlfriend. The someone I’m referring to still loved their boyfriend or girlfriend, but they want to find other boys or girls for the reason I mentioned earlier.

Hunter: Oh, you mean like Uncle Kevin.

Mary Anne: Yes! I mean exactly like your Uncle Kevin.

Kerry: I get it now. I’m not mad at you anymore, Mary Anne.

Hunter: I see it to, but the doctor says I have Child Sadism Syndrome so I’m still gonna beat you black and blue.

He proceeds to do so.

 

Scene 8

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing at her locker. The guys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: OK, we’re gonna hoist you onto the flagpole now.

The football players carry her into the gym and hoist her on top of the flag pole. They exit.

Mary Anne: Help! Help!

Horhay, the retarded illegal alien enters.

Horhay: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Mary Anne: Horhay, help me.(Horhay begins rattling off a Hitler speech in Spanish. He then pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the gym.) Hey Horhay, wanna go on a date sometime?

Horhay: Si.

 

Scene 9

The street outside Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne is standing in front of her house. Claudia comes up beside her.

Claudia: How was your date?

Mary Anne: It sucks. Who figures a poor person isn’t going to have any money?

Claudia: Well, I think I got the solution.

Claudia pulls a can of gas and a match out of her bag.

Mary Anne: Hey, good idea.

Mary Anne lights the can of gas and throws it at her house. The house burns to the ground over the closing credits.

Based on "Mary Anne's Big Breakup" by Anne M. Martin.

"Parody Time" will return in the new year with a whole new set of laughs.