PARODY TIME-MARY ANNE IN THE MIDDLE (NSFW)

MARY ANNE IN THE MIDDLE

Scene 1

Mallory’s locker. Mary Anne is wiping the words Spaz Girl off Mallory’s locker. Mallory enters and looks at her locker.

Mallory: Z Girl. What could that stand for? Jazz Girl?

Aloysius, one of the weird kids at school,, comes up to Mary Anne and Mallory.

Aloysius: Yes, Jazz Girl. I’m sorry, but “Tonic,” the former jazz show on CBC Radio Two. (Switches into an Indian accent) Jully Black is not jazz, sir. Feist is not jazz, sir. “Midnight Train To Georgia” is not jazz, sir.

Scene 2

The Hobart’s house. Abby, James, Mathew, and Johnny are sitting around the kitchen table. Felt, scissors and glue are on the table.

Abby: Okay, guys, we’re going to make a felt banner that shows different symbols of Hanukah. When it’s done, we’ll hang it up at Stoneybrook Manor so all the people there can admire it.

James: Bril.

Mathew: Brill.

Johnny: What’s Hanukah.

James: It’s a Jewish holiday (Looks at Abby) Right?

Abby: Right. I was thinking we could glue down a menorah, a dreidel, maybe even some latkes. (They stare at her blankly) You guys have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? (They shake their heads) Not even the dreidel?

Mathew: Oh, oh. (He jumps up from the table and starts singing) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, my dreidel I will play, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, my dreidel I will play. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, my dreidel I won’t play, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, ‘cause I might have to pay.

Abby: A latke is a potato pancake.

James: Hey, Abby, how can latkes be a traditional Hanukah food when the potato was only discovered when Columbus found the new world 500 years ago.

Mathew: What are they celebrating?

Abby: The kids are celebrating because they’re going to receive a gift on each night of Hanukah. Just kidding. No, really. The kids are celebrating because they’re going to get presents. They’re like most American kids. They don’t know or care anything about their history.

(Abby sits down and draws a picture of a latke)

Mathew: That looks like a blob.

Abby: It does. Well, don’t make too many of those. They’re not the most artistic-looking things. But they taste great.

James: How do you make them?

Abby: Well, they’re potato pancakes, so you peel and grate potatoes. Then you put in sugar, butter, eggs, salt, and baking powder. You can put maple syrup and butter on them. You can also add chocolate chips and peaches and blueberries.

(Ben enters.)

Ben: Whoa, awesome. You should put a Star of David on top. In fact, Abby, you should be forced to wear one on your coat. You should put an oven and a gas chamber on there. Well, it’s true. They’re so arrogant. Everything’s about them and how they’re the Jews. Their history is the only one that matters. They’re traditions are the only ones that matter. And out of all the people that died in World War II, who are we supposed to care about? The Jews. Out of all the things that happened in World War II. And it wasn’t just Jews that were killed in the holocaust. Hitler killed communists and trade union leaders and homosexuals. And they’re always saying how persecuted they are, even though they’re in the top jobs. I don’t think any company today would turn someone down because they’re Jewish. And they are cheap and they do complain.

James: Hey, Abby, want to hear how Australians celebrate Christmas?

Abby: No, I don’t. **** you.

Scene 3

Claudia’s room. The Bsc members are all sitting in their usual places.

Jessi: We need to know if Mallory will be going to that boarding school or not.

Kristy: We do need to know soon.

Mallory: Fine! I’m leaving! Are you happy?

Mary Anne: I think Jessi might cry, but probably not. She’s black, They’re stalwart.

Stacey: We’ll miss you.

Jessi: You already knew! Mary Anne, you knew Mallory was leaving, didn’t you?

Mary Anne: Ooh, the black woman gets angry. Big surprise.

Mallory: Just by a little bit.

Mary Anne: See, it happened like this. This afternoon, I told Mallory that she better make up her mind about going to Riverbend, you know, to sort of prompt her, and she told me she was going. I had brought up the subject. What was she supposed to say?

Scene4

The Barrett-DeWitt house. Jessi and Mallory enter. The Barrett-DeWitt children are watching TV. Mrs. DeWitt comes downstairs.

Mrs. DeWitt: Hi girls. Franklin and I will be at Bellaire’s looking for some new furniture since Franklin’s woman came and stole all of his stuff. I’ll leave his woman’s cell phone on so you can reach us. I don’t know the number.

Mallory: Thanks.

(Mrs. DeWitt exits.)

Jessi: I was thinking we could make decorations for Kwanza, so I brought some supplies.

Lindsey: We learned about Kwanza in school. It comes in December-it’s the celebration of African-American pride-although I don’t know what there is to be proud of about living in a ghetto, smoking crack and shooting each other-and unity, although the only time black people seem to be able to agree with each other is when they’re against white people. It’s also a harvest celebration. In Africa, they have the harvest, then they make all the grain into beer, so they’re all starving and the western nations bail them out, once again.

Jessi: That’s right. It’s a little like Thanksgiving because it’s celebrated with a big meal. Then again, black people are always eating big meals. Most of us are obese.

Madeline: I want to make a snowman for Kwanza.

Jessi: (Shouting) No Christmas symbols on Kwanza. You can make the Kwanza pimp. He doesn’t leave you presents: he takes yo’ presents.

Mallory: It was so fun when I celebrated Kwanza with your family last year. Kwanza is an ancient holiday dating back to 1965. It was started by a professor, who, among other things, was convicted of beating a woman with a phone cord.

Jessi: You got no right to know about Kwanza.

Scene 5

Claudia’s room. The Bsc members are in their usual places.

Claudia: What about Emily Bernstein? She’s nice.

Kristy: Too busy. Being editor of the school newspaper takes up every free second she has.

Stacey: Erica Blumberg?

Kristy: Please, someone who’s not Jewish and actually knows a thing or two about kids. … So that’s everyone in grade 6 and everyone in grade 8. Too bad our school doesn’t have grade 7.

Scene 6

The living room of the Pike’s house. Mary Anne, Vanessa, Nicky, Claire and Margo are sitting on the floor. Vanessa pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket.

Vanessa: Here’s a poem I wrote about Mallory (Reads) Black emptiness, black emptiness, you poured scalding hot battery acid on my heart. You said you were going to boarding school just the other day. The brightest star on my horizon just has gone away. I will close my mind and close myself and no longer open up to anything, like you wouldn’t believe. These extreme ways will help me deal with my book of longing.

(Mr. Pike and Mallory enter.)

Mr. Pike: Well, kids, Mallory has just returned from the checkup that Riverbend requires for its new students. It turns out she has a malignant tumor of the brain and will die in a few days.

Claire: Does this mean she won’t be going to boarding school?

Mr. Pike: Yes.

Claire: Yay.

(The Pike kids all start dancing around with glee and excitement.)

Scene 7

Stoneybrook Manor. The Bsc, along with their families, the Hobarts, the Rodowsky’s, the Johansens, and the Barritt-DeWits, are all gathered in the room marked FOR SOCIAL PURPOSES, KEEP OUT OTHERWISE. A whole bunch of old people are sitting around with dead-eyes.

Abby: Now we’re going to sing a selection of songs from the album Ashley Simpson and Linda Lavin do Christmas.

(They launch into horrible versions of Christmas songs.)

Scene 8

Mary Anne’s room. Mallory enters.

Mallory: Guess what, Mary Anne. Since I’m dying, Ben and I are going to get married today and then have a baby so I’ll be able to pass on my genes.

Mary Anne: Oh, Mallory.

(She bursts into tears.

Scene 9

Jessi’s room. The phone rings. Jessi answers it.

Jessi: Hello.

Lindsey Barrett-DeWitt: Hi, Jessi. It’s Lindsey Barett-DeWitt. You know, you and Mallory fighting in front of us the other day wasn’t very professional. We’re going to tell our friends and their parents. Then the Bsc will be history.

Jessi: Oh well, it’ll give me more time to go shopping.

Closing credits.

Based on “Mary Anne in the Middle” by Anne M. Martin.