PARODY TIME-THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING SKIRT

The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Skirt

The following can be seen alongside the opening credits.

We, the Sisterhood, hereby instate the following rules to govern the use of the Travelling Skirt:

1. Its like an elevator. There’s a two-ton limit on it.

2. Something that goes perfectly with the Skirt is a bubbling cauldron.

3. For shoes to go with the Skirt, the blacksmith’s at the heritage museum.

4. The skirt will fit perfectly over your curly tail.

Narrator: Once there were three girls who found a skirt that fit all three of them, even though they were of different builds, and if you believe that, then would you please come work for the 2020 Bydan campaign?

Scene 1

Gilda’s. Tibby  jimmies open lock of door. The three girls enter and are set upon by dogs.

Scene 2

The Wallman’s parking lot. Tibby is riding in on her bike, wearing her smock.

Tucker: Yo, Tibby, whaaaasup. Twenty years later and it’s still just as funny.

(She locks her bike and runs into the store.)

Scene 3

The cabin of the soccer camp.

Bridget: Anybody want to sleep on the beach?

Emily: Are we allowed to?

Bridget: I never heard that we weren’t.

Diana and Jo: Besides, we’re rebellious teenage girls. We don’t care about rules.

(Diana and Jo accompany Bridget out onto the beach with their sleeping bags.)

Bridget: I love this.

Jo: It is unbelievable.

Diana: I don’t know if I can fall asleep. It’s so … obliterating, you know? The feeling of insignificance. Your mind wanders out there and just keeps on going.

 (While she has been talking, the other girls have fallen asleep and are snoring loudly. The tide comes in and washes them out to sea.)

Scene 4

The airplane.

Stewardess: Please put your tray in the proper upright position.

Mohammed Ali: Superman don’t need no tray in the proper upright position.

Scene 5

Al’s house. Carmen and Al enter. Two matronly women and an adult son come out of a room. The women are based on the Misses Enid and Ulalia from the Canadian satirical comedy TV show “This Hour Has 22 Minutes.” The son is based on Eddie from that shows recurring sketch “That Show Sucked.”

Al:Ladies and gentleman, this is my daughter, Carmen. Carmen, this is my wife, her sister, and one of their sons from a previous relationship or something.

Carmen: When did you get married?

Al: April twenty-third, to be exact.

Wife: Hello, child. Delighted to have you. Can I get you anything … a pop or sometin’?

Carmen: No, thank you. Could you show me to my room?

Enid: Sure, Jerry Seinfeld’ll take you up to your room.

Jerry Seinfeld: Come along. Did you ever notice---

(She punches him out.)

Scene 6

Carmen’s bedroom. A knock on the door is heard.

Carmen: Yes.

Sister: Could I come in, young one?

Carmen: Uh, yeah.

Sister: Carmen, supper’s on. You ready to come down and eat, dear?

Carmen: I’ll be down in a minute.

Sister: You look like I expected.

Carmen: What’s that supposed to mean. I _am Puerto Rican.

Sister: Yes, you look like I expected. Now, the Japanese, sure, my, they’re just so cute. You feel like you wanna pick ‘em up in yer arms and just hug ‘em all da live-long day.

(She exits)

Scene 7

The Graffman’s house. Bailey’s mother opens the door.

Tibby: Hi. Uh, my name is Tibby and I, uh ….

Mrs. Graffman: You’re the one who found Bailey at Wallman’s.

Tibby: Right. It turns out I took her wallet to find contact information and I, uh, forgot to give it back. There were only four dollars in it.

Mrs. Graffman: Thanks. Bailey’s going through some tough times right now.

Tibby: Well, don’t worry, Mrs. Graffman. I’m sure if you just recite enough pithy quotes from celebrities all Bailey’s troubles will be better in no time.

Mrs. Graffman: Thank you, honey. It’s so good to know that not all of today’s teenagers are thieving, sarcastic jerks.

(Tibby exits. Her mother walks from the living room into Bailey’s bedroom, the door of which is open. Bailey is lying in bed, looking pale and sickly.)

Mrs. Graffman: Here, hon, that girl from the store brought back your wallet.

Bailey: Thanks Mom. (She opens the wallet and examines its contents) Hey, where’s my 1200 dollars, my ticket, and the referral card for the alternative cancer treatment centre in Mexico?!

Scene 8

A Seven-Eleven. Tibby is in the process of interviewing Brian McBrian. Bailey is helping her with the equipment.

Brian: Most people live out there. (Gestures outside) I live in here, a lifestyle which I am perfectly proud of and if anyone criticizes it in any way I will simultaneously rip their head off and bash their skull in. Got that!

(He starts playing a video game. The video game company rep enters.)

Rep: (To Tibby) I represent the Acme game company. You’re stealing copyright material. (To Brian) Also, kid, you want to join our company’s new e-sports league? 100 thousand dollar signing bonus if you say yes right now, but it will mean you’ll be so busy you’ll probably never see your family again, or have an opportunity to marry or have children, for that matter.

Brian: (Looks up from screen.) Deal!!!

(He hugs and kisses the video game company representative. Tibby and Bailey are dragged off in chains.)

Scene 9

Al’s house. Late at night. Carmen Is lying in bed. We alternate between Carmen lying in bed, trying to get to sleep, and the wife, sister, adult son, and Al downstairs in the living room partying, Newfoundland style, They can all be heard singing “Kelligrews Soire.”

Carmen: I have so got to get out of here. Can’t go back home yet, though. Lousy custody arrangements. I think I’ll go to Mexico. There’s a switch.

(Lots o’ Fish in Bonavis’ Harbour” starts up. Carmen leaps out of bed and starts packing.)

Scene 10

The soccer camp. Bridget can be seen beside the flagpole, locked in the stocks. The sun is beating down.

Bridget: Man, having to spend the duration of the summer at this camp locked in the stocks because my roommates and I went to that bar and got drunk last night. Nothing to drink either but Mexican tap water. It’s enough to make me want to sneak back across the border into America. Now there’s a switch.

Scene 11

Tibby’s house. The place is a model to twenty-first century materialism. Tibby is in the living room. Her hippy parents are lounging in chairs.

Tibby’s Mom: Hey, dear, now that we’ve gotten you off that rap for stealing copyright material for your documentary project, do you think you could go down to the store and pick us up some diapers for the twins.

Tibby: No, guys, I cannot.

Tibby’s Mom: And just why is that, young lady?

Tibby: Because you guys disgust me.

Tibby’s Dad: Oh, all teenagers say that about their parents.

Tibby: Well, in this case, it’s true.

Tibby’s Mom: Oh, honey, you can’t mean that.

Tibby: Yes, I do. You guys started out as hippies, had ideals. Now you’ve completely abandoned those ideals for the sake of being “normal.”

Tibby’s Mom: And just what is that supposed to mean?

Tibby: For example, these diapers you wish me to purchase with my employee discount. You used to be committed to the environment and alternative ways of doing things, being intentional and all that. You couldn’t have kept at least some of those ideals? I mean, the twins are six years old and you haven’t even started toilet training them yet. The paper in all the disposable diapers they’ve gone through is probably enough to replenish the great library of Alexandria.

Tibby’s Dad: Hey man, you can’t tell us how to live our lives, you bring down square jerk-head. Get out of here and never come back.

Tibby: With pleasure.

(Tibby storms out.)

Tibby’s Mom: (Smiling) No, with mustard.

Scene 12

The alternative cancer clinic in Mexico. Bailey is lying in bed, dying. Her mother is sitting beside her in a chair. Tibby enters.

Tibby: Oh, hi Mrs. Graffman. Hi Bailey. I, er, wanted to visit to get a personal update on the progress of Bailey’s cancer treatments. I trust everything’s going well.

Mrs. Graffman: Actually, everything’s going terribly, the worst it could possibly be. Bailey’s dying.

Tibby: Oh?

Mrs. Graffman: The 1200 dollars Bailey had for the treatments here went missing, so we had to fundraise for weeks and weeks to get the money again.

Bailey: Then by the time we got the money together and they slotted us in for a new start date, they discovered I was too far gone for the therapies to do much good.

Tibby: Well, that sucks.

(Carmen enters)

Carmen: Hi Tibby. Hi little girl who doesn’t look good. Hi little girl’s mom.

Tibby: Hey, girl. What are you doing here?

Carmen: I don’t know, exactly. I just got the feeling you might need me.

Tibby: Cool. It must be that mysterious friendship bond that we all share connected with that skirt in some way.

Carmen: Yeah, I guess.

(“Mambo Number Five” starts playing on the radio. Bailey groans violently.)

Bailey: Mommy, I think it’s the end.

(Mrs. Graffman tears up. She reaches out and goes to take Bailey’s hand.)

Tibby: That’s OK, I’ll hold her hand, Mrs. Graffman.

(She shoves Bailey’s mother aside and grabs Bailey’s hand. Lena enters. She is morbidly obese.)

Tibby and Carmen: Lena?!

Lena: Yeah, I’m supposed to be in your group of friends, too, remember? There were four of us. We’ve all been friends practically since we were in the womb.

Tibby: Oh, go away, Lena. I’ve made lots of new friends among my work colleagues and from making my documentary around town.

Carmen: And I’ve got a whole new family.

Tibby: And I’m sure Bridget has made lots of lifelong friends at soccer camp.

Together: So push off.

(Bailey dies. “Mambo Number Five” rises to a crescendo.

Closing credits.

Based on “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” by Ann Brashares.