PARODY TIME-THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

The Facts Speak For Themselves

Scene 1

A police station. There is a small room with a table with chairs around it in the middle. On one wall there is a mirror frame with no mirror in it.

Policewoman: Why don’t you come in here.

(Linda walks into the room.)

Linda: (Looking into empty mirror frame) I see Henry, and Sheila, and Gordon, and Bob, and Carol, and Ted, and Alice … darn, we should have used this scene for the credits.

(Spits some nails out of her mouth under the table)

Policewoman: Would you like a drink. We only have lesser-known brands of soda. We have Royal Crown, High C, Jones, Stewart’s, Fanta, I think we may even have some Orbits still lying around..

Linda: No, I don’t want anything.

Policewoman: We’re trying to locate your mother right now. We’ll just wait here until she comes.

Linda: Oh.

Policewoman: Is that all right?

Linda: Yes.

(A policeman enters.

Policeman: Well how are ya today, Linda?

Linda: I’m okie-doky.

(He opens a book and looks at the page.)

Policeman: Hmm, roller coasters. Roller coasters. How old are you?

Linda: Thirteen.

Policeman: Thirteen?

Linda: Yes.

Policeman: We haven’t been able to locate your mother, Linda. She works for Iraqi Realty. Is that right?

Linda: Yes.

Policeman: We called there, and the woman who answered the phone said she didn’t come in today and she doesn’t respond to her pager. We sent a car over to your apartment and she’s not there either. Did she tell you where she might be going today? Did she forget? Do you have any idea where she is

Linda: No, no, no, and possibly another no because you might just have asked me four questions. I thought she’d be at Iraqi.

Policeman: When did you see your mother last, Linda?

Linda: I’ve never seen her last. She usually gets bored and quits or wimps out at everything she does.

Policeman: Well, did she say where she was going?

Linda: No, she was asleep when she left.

(Dream Sequence.

Linda’s mother’s bedroom is shown. Linda’s mother is lying in bed. Men dressed in children’s outfits are lifting Linda’s mother out of her bed. Linda enters the room.)

Linda: Darn, we got too many kids.

(Back to reality.)

Policeman: (To policewoman) Turn on the camera.

(The policewoman does so and makes rapping noises and hip-hop moves into it.

Policeman: Would you mind going over what happened on the parking-ramp once more for me, Linda?

Linda: I already told the other policeman.

Policeman: I understand that, but I’d like you to explain it to me for yourself.

Linda: We were standing on the parking-ramp talking

Policeman: That was you and Micky D?

Linda: Yes.

Policeman: What were you and Micky D talking about?

Linda: What the Toronto Maple Leafs baseball team might be doing next season. Then Gank came up and shot him.

Policeman: That was Mr. Perry.

Linda: Yes, Mr. Gank Perry. He lived with us for a while.

Policeman: Was he on foot or in a car?

Linda: If he had his car there, it was invisible. Near as I can tell, he was on foot.

Policeman: What else happened?

Linda: Nothing else notable happened. I offered to phone 911, but Micky said he didn’t think it was a good idea to call September 11^th.

Auntie Hephzibah came later and said she was going to take me to Auntie Hephzibah’s Home For Orphans. I gave her an argument.

Scene 2

Auntie Hephzibah and Linda pull up to the orphanage. It is a run-down building.

Auntie Hephzibah: We’re here.
(They get out of the car and go inside to the cafeteria.)

Auntie Hephzibah: Eat your gruel.

(The psychologist enters. He is reminiscent of Bobby Bitman from “SCTV.”)

Psychologist: Good to see ya! Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner but my car broke down and I had to fly. Boy are my arms tired. Seriously, though, I was doing a show at the Boxcutter Room in Las Vegas. Now, Linda, your going to have to tell me cold turkey what happened. Even though it might not taste very good. It has to be decided whether we put you and your brothers, or your siblings, in foster care. There’s gonna be a hearing. The judge is a real hard guy, too. Judge Elganaun Sourgravy: a slumbering supercentenarian who pretends he’s never even heard of Rudyb Vallee.

Linda: All right. I’ll try to be as serious and truthful as possible.

Scene 3

Auntie Hephzibah’s Home for orphans. The psychologist enters the room where Linda is sitting reading something.

Psychologist: Hey, you’re reading my report. That’s not very nice.

Linda: You made me look like a fool. A stupid fool, as well as a foolish stupid person who also isn’t very smart.

Psychologist: Gee, that’s a switch.

Linda: Could I just write my own report?

Bobby: Sure. The judge will accept it. He and I go way back. Just don’t write it in crayon.

(Linda picks up a crayon and begins to write.)

Linda: I have my own room. It’s shaped like a trapezoid and is green. It comes with a leather case with holes in it, so you can listen right through the case. We do our laundry at The Laundry Cleaning Place. Mrs. Hubble will wash and fold your clothes for you if you give her a romance novel. She’ll also paint your garage if you give her fifty bucks. She operates the machines with quarters, just like everybody else. She keeps the coins in a Folgers coffee can on a shelf. Its not the tea thing she keeps the coffee in, or the coffee can she keeps the tea in, or even the fifty-gallon drum she pours the lesser-known brands of soda into, but a different can on its own. We are hoping to get a candy dish with a musical barometer. Its something my mother has always wanted. Oh, how I miss my mom right now.

(Dream Sequence.)

Mother: Do you want to go down the street and get a bowl of sugar to eat.

Linda: Sure.

(Back to reality.)

So here’s what happened, told truthfully and in a way that will reach that targeted tween and teen demographic.

Scene 4

The restaurant. Linda and her mother enter. Music plays in the background.

Manager: If you can eat fourteen bowls of sugar, I’ll give you one free.

Mother: You’re on.

(While they are eating, Linda and her mother are kicked and punched by patrons. When they are finished, the two are very hyper. An improvised scene  takes place accordingly. AfterJ

Mother: okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay we have to pick your brother up at daycare.

Scene 5

The daycare center. Linda and her mother pull up in their car. Uptown Girl plays in the background. Linda and her mother enter.

Mother: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, (commences laughing) okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay hippies, David Brinkley declares this conformity mill for tots shut down. (They pick up Linda’s brother and speed away. Linda’s mother sniffs.) Eeewwwwe, did he fill his pants?!

Linda: (Sniffing) I think so.

Mother: Oh great, now what am I supposed to do about this?!

Linda: Well, we could go to the zoo and throw his diaper into the penguin pool just like we throw coins.

Mother: Great idea Little Bieber!

Linda Voiceover: Once, I saw a huge bird come out of our shed. I later learned it was called the flightless dodo. I told my teacher I had seen one before and she just smiled and said that they had gone extinct. When I got home, I shot the bird, so if they weren’t extinct, they are now.

Scene 6

A Chinese restaurant. Peter Hobbs, Linda and her mother are sitting at a table. Linda’s mother is pregnant.

Customer: I have a complaint.

Restaurant Owner: Then llite a rettel to youl Conglessman.

Peter: We can buy a boat and live on it in the Caribbean. We can make a living giving tourists cruises. I was a deckhand on a boat once.

Owner: (Approaching the table) Werr, I go to my galage, but that doesn’t make me a cal.

Peter: Why don’t you just shut up. (To Linda’s mother) We can buy a schoolhouse in the country. You can make pottery and I can build canoes.

Owner: How ale you pranning to attach the schoorhouse onto the ship.

Peter: I said shut up. (They fight) When it is over, Peter is lying on the floor.

Peter: Look, just bring me some more bok choy, okay.

Scene 7

The bedroom of the apartment.

Peter: Remember how you said a few months ago that you’d like to see my gun. Well, I’ll show it to you now. (pulls it out) Here it is. (Shoots her arm off) Did you like that?

Linda: (excitedly) Yes.

Peter: Well, you shouldn’t. You’re not supposed to like it. Always try to avoid being shot.

Scene 8

The kitchen of the apartment. Linda, her mother, Peter, and Peter’s parents are sitting in the kitchen.

Mr. Hobbs: What kinda cookies do you got.

Mother: Orio or Nutter Butter.

Mr. Hobbs: That’s good. I only trust cookies with one word names. I’ll have Nutter Butter. (Linda’s mother gives Mr. Hobbs the cookies. Linda approaches the table where Mr. Hobbs is sitting.) Hey, get away from my NutterB utter.

Peter: Come on, Linda, its best not to get in the way of Dad when he’s eating his Nutter Butter.

Linda Voiceover: My mother broke up with Peter two weeks later. After that, things reached a low point. I didn’t notice a thing. We ate bacon three times a day.

Scene 9

A 7-Eleven. Linda enters, carrying a desk light.

Linda: I’d like to trade this for some TV dinners.

Storekeeper: Eerderberderberderber, don’t speak English, dererda, numscar.

(He takes Linda home. Her mother answers the door.) You jackass, durwerberwerber, derwerberder. Take care of your children, put food in da cupboard. I’m going to call your parents.

Scene 10

Mama’s kitchen. Linda is sitting in Eldwood’s lap, looking at albums.

Eldwood: And that’s John Lennon, and that’s Ringo star in his red boots, and there’s Paul McCartney, and there’s George Harrison, looking like a hippy, and they’re all crossing the road, Abbey Road.

(Linda gets off Eldwood’s lap and puts her hands on the back of her mother’s blouse.

Mother: Get off me. Man, she’s so clingy.

Mama: Well, maybe if you didn’t afford her a lifestyle that makes her psychologically disturbed she wouldn’t be.

Mother: Are you saying its my fault?

Mama: You’re here, aren’t ya. Oh, by the way, I couldn’t help noticing the baby bump, and, just to head you off at the pass, we don’t have any zoo pools around here.

Scene 11

Linda is shown sitting in a tree, singing like Michael Jackson. She attempts to dance like him, but falls out of the tree. Linda’s mother calls from the ground:

Mother: Linda. I’m marrying Mr. Berezovsky and we’re all going to Russia. Pack quickly.

Linda: Oh, yay. We can finally leave Hibbing, Minnesota. It was sure annoying having Bob Dylan’s family come over all the time.

Scene 12

Siberia. Linda’s family is on the shore of a frozen lake.

Boris Berezovsky: Ah, you mean, ah, you, ah, don’t know, ah , how to swim.

Linda: No.

Boris Berezovsky: Ah, well, there’s only one way to, ah, learn.

(He pushes her forward and she falls onto the ice.)

Scene 13

Russian ballet with dancers falling down, bumping into each other and falling off the stage. One flies right off the stage and into the lap of an old lady in the fourth row.

Scene 14

The beach.

 Raphael: Linda, I’ll teach you ventriloquism if you want.

Linda: Sure.

Raphael: The first thing you do is take the puppet’s hand.

(He gives her the dummy. It has a buzzer ring on its hand.)

Linda: Ow!

Raphael: Oh, sorry, I must have left my buzzer ring on there by mistake. (He removes the ring and pours water from his bottle on the dummy’s hand in a way Linda doesn’t see.) Here you go.

(She takes the dummy.)

Linda Ewwww. His hand is wet.

Raphael: Gee, how did it get wet? (In a way Linda doesn’t see, he places the dummy’s hand in Super Glue and lights its foot on fire. He then puts the dummy’s hand in Linda’s hand and starts to run.) Good luck with your ventriloquism career, Linda.

Linda: Now I’m stuck to him somehow and I think I can smell him burning.

Scene 15

The house in Russia. Linda gets out of a car. She goes inside the house.

Mother: Who was that?

Linda: A friend.

Mother: What’s the matter? You never talk to me anymore.

Linda: What do you want to talk about?

Mother: Well, can’t you at least tell me about your friends? Why don’t you ever bring them home? Are you ashamed of me? Is that it? Are you ashamed of your own mother?

Linda: Yes, because you’re a materialistic alcoholic who doesn’t seem to have the brains to get her life together.

Scene 16

The house in Russia. Linda answers the door to Myra Berkowitz.

Linda: Myra, how are you?

Myra: Fine. How are you?

Linda: Super. Come on, let’s go out to the back deck.

(They walk out to the back deck)

Myra: What’s your dad doing?

Linda: Oh. He’s singing. He always  sings along to that TV program.

We hear Boris singing in the background:

Boris: Ah, dum dum dum, ah, dum dum dum dum dum,, ah, dum dum dum dum, its, ah, hockey night in Canada.

(We then see the Russian hockey team come out and kill both Canadian teams.)

Linda: I have soap for our dessert.

(They each take a bar of soap off the table and begin to eat.

Linda Voiceover: We had to move  out when he kept setting his shirt on fire.

Scene 17

Gank’s house. Gank and Linda are sitting in the kitchen eating cake.

Gank: I’m gonna be rich one day. I’m going to run a telemarketing scam. I’ll call up old people and say that I have something to give them if they send me lots of money. Then I’ll be rich, and the old people will be poor, and there can be enough money for everything we want.

(He then takes a turkey out of the oven.)

Scene 18

A deserted road. Linda and Micky D are driving in Micky’s car.

Micky: Remember when we first encountered each other. I took a walk beside your house, late last night, hahahahahahahhahahahahah. Those cutouts Gank makes, you know, those pieces of junk, well, anyway, I bought a million of them from him, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha. (Suddenly, Gank grabs a gun and shoots some people walking outside the car’s open window. Then he opens a jar of lard and eats it all) I told my wife I’d quit eating lard, so it would be appreciated if you didn’t tell her that I have a jar of lard every now and then.

Linda: At least Myra’s father was only a brony.

Scene 19

Psychologist’s office. The psychologist is sitting behind his desk and Linda is sitting in a chair with her report in her lap.

Psychologist: Linda, comedically speaking, seriously, he sounds crazy, like he could have killed you at any minute.

Linda: You’re not making me feel any better.

Psychologist: Hey, I’m a psychologist. That is so far from my job description.

Linda: Mom started working at Iraqi
Realty. She showed me this computer program. You type in the characteristics of the house you want, and the computer tells you whether the house has blown up or not.

Scene 20

Iraqi Realty. Linda’s mother is showing Linda her office.

Mother: (Excitedly) Look, I’ve even got my own yak skin to get water in.

(She drops it and it shatters.

Scene 21

Gank’s house. The phone rings.

Linda: Hello.

Micky: Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda. Linda.

Linda: What?

Micky: I’ve just been thinkin’ ‘bout drinkin’ the beer.

Linda: What?

Micky: No, Cereal Joleen, though, I’ve been thinking about you and me, babe.

Linda: What?

Micky: About our future together.

Linda: What?

Micky: You and me. I could leave my wife, we could get some za za za, move to a tiny cabin out in the woods, have a whole passel of kids.

Linda: What!

Micky: Well at least we’d never run out of food that way. Anyway, when can I see you?

Linda: Where are you?

Micky: I’m in my car. I’m parked right outside your house.

Scene 22

The parking ramp, Micky and Linda are driving in Micky’s car. Micky stops the car.

Micky: Oooh, oooh, oooh, I wanna get out and stand on the parkun’ ramp fer a while.

(He gets out of the car. Linda follows. They stand on the parking ramp, blocking traffic. Gank comes up behind them, gets out of his car and levels a gun at Micky.

Gank: I know what you’ve been doing with her, you pervert. She’s your daughter’s friend. How could you?!

(Gank shoots Micky dead. Linda leaps at Gank and wrestles the gun out of his hand. She then points it at him.)

Linda: You’re a liar, a low-life, a good-for-nothing, and a cheat.

(Linda shoots Gank dead. Linda’s mother comes rolling up behind them. She and Deryl get out of the car.)

Mother: Linda, meet my new boyfriend, Deryl. He’s a glass blower. A _glass _blower. Isn’t that so hilarious?

(Linda shoots her mother and Deryl dead. She then points the gun backstage.)

Linda: Roll the credits if you know what’s good for you.

Closing Credits

Based on “The Facts Speak for Themselves” by Brock Cole.