PARODY TIME-LOOKING FOR ALIBRANDI

LOOKING FOR ALIBRANDI

Scene 1

The classroom. Josephine and the other students are sitting at their desks, writing a test.

Josephine: (In her head) Oh man, I hate multiple choice. Can I phone a friend, pocket Regis Philbin?

Regis Philbin: Sure.

Josephine: I’d like to phone my friend Patty.

Regis Philbin: You’d like to phone your friend, Patty

(He dials the phone and hands it to her.)

Patty: Hello.

Josephine: Hi Patty, it’s Josephine.

Patty: Hi. How are you?

Josephine: Good. Listen, I’m in class taking a test and I’m having a really hard time with the answer to number three.

Patty: It’s B.

Josephine: Thank you.

Patty: You’re welcome. Bye.

Josephine: Bye. (She hangs up the phone) Oh, this is too hard. I think I’ll just read for a while.

(She pulls out a book and starts to read. Sister Gregory approaches her desk.)

Sister Gregory: Josephine?

Josephine: Huh?

Sister Gregory: I think you mean I beg your pardon, don’t you, young lady.

Josephine: I beg your pudding.

Sister Gregory: Are you reading?

Josephine: Uh, yeah.

Sister Gregory: I see you’ll win the English prize this year. Read from where you’re up to.

Josephine: (Reads) If Rome be indeed the Babylon of the Apocalypse, and the Madonna enshrined in her sanctuaries be the very queen of heaven, for the worshipping of whom the fierce anger of God was provoked against the Jews in the days of Jeremiah, it is of the last consequence that the fact should be established beyond all

possibility of doubt; for that being once established, every one who trembles at the Word of God must shudder at the very thought of giving such a system,

either individually or nationally, the least countenance or support. Something has been said already that goes far to prove the identity of the Roman and

Babylonian systems; but at every step the evidence becomes still more overwhelming. That which arises from comparing the different festivals is peculiarly

so.

Sister Gregory: Go to the principals office.

Josephine: Well, I didn’t expect the Spanish inquisition.

Scene 2

The front steps of Josephine’s home. The soccer hooligans are drinking beer. Josephine comes up to them.

Soccer Hooligan 1: Hey, Josephine. Want a beer?

Josephine: Sure. (She takes a beer and chugs it down) Are you guys ever going to get around to mowing the lawn?

Soccer Hooligan 2: It’s not that bad, love.

Josephine: Not that bad! I nearly got attacked by a lion the other day.

Soccer Hooligan 1: Oh, cor.

Scene 3

The kitchen. Josephine is sitting at the table. Kristina enters.

Kristina Alibrandi: I suppose you couldn’t have turned on the oven.

Josephine: Don’t you remember what happened the last time? The oven exploded.

Kristina: Oh yeah.

Josephine: Besides, who wants to cook when it’s over 30 degrees outside?

Kristina: Good point. So, how was school today?

Josephine: Good. Father Stephen came to speak to our class. He asked us what we thought about while we were kneeling down taking communion. I said that since our family hadn’t been to church in forever that I didn’t think about anything.

Kristina: Good answer. Well, I guess I’ll make dinner now.

Josephine: Don’t open the kitchen closet.

(Kristina opens the kitchen closet and a whole bunch of stuff falls out.

Scene 4

Martin Place. Josephine approaches the podium, ready to make her speech.

Josephine: Ladies and gentleman, first I’d like to say how much I appreciate the opportunity to participate in this Have Your Say Day. I think its very important for people to speak up about issues that matter to them. Today I’m going to talk about conditions at our school. Our school is horrible. The nuns are all mean. They’re constantly looking to get you in trouble for something, even the slightest thing. They constantly insult and belittle us. I really hope the school will improve.

Sister Louise: Thank you, Josephine. However, your say doesn’t count and you are lower than pond scum.

Scene 5

Maternal grandmother’s house. Josephine enters.

Grandma: Jotsee, let me kiss you on the cheek, make you eat lots of food and keep you out of the living room with the plastic on the good furniture like every stereotypical Italian old lady. So, do you have a boyfriend yet?

Josephine: No.

Grandma: Don’t date Australians. Only date Italians.

Josephine: What if I want to date Australians?

Grandma: Ah, Australians. What do they know of culture. A bunch of people in singlets and shorts who eat a pound of beef everyday and drink more than any other culture on the face of the earth. Oh well, what can I expect from a girl raised by her mother?

Josephine: Well, that must be a pretty poor reflection on you then because look how my mother turned out.

(Grandma pulls out a gun and kills herself.)

Scene 6

The school. It is just after a debating session and the students are sitting in the drama room eating cookies. John Barton comes up to Josephine.

John Barton: I was wondering if you’d do yourself the honour of going to the interschool dance with me.

Josephine: Get lost, creep.

John: I choose to ignore any negative responses you may have to my request.

Josephine: Go away.

John: Ignoring any negative responses, just like I said.

Josephine: If I go to the dance with you, will you quit bugging me?

John: Of course.

Josephine: Fine.

John: Yay. I won’t regret this.

Scene 7

The dance. John Barton is dragging Josephine around. He drags her over to a table.

John: I have a few people I want you to meet. This is Bill Smithdale, the _assistant _manager at Burger King, and this is John Snively, the _night manager at The Gap, and this is James Hartsworth, _chief _tub _cleaner at Wong’s Restaurant. You are so honoured to meet these people.

(Josephine flees.)

Scene 8

Paternal grandmother’s backyard. The entire family is gathered, having a breakfast barbecue and drinking beer.

Grandma: Have barbecued cinnamon bun. Have barbecued pastry.

(Michael Andretti comes up to Josephine.)

Michael Andretti: Hi, Josephine. My name is Michael Andretti. I’m your real father.

Josephine: Well, I was wondering who’d invited me to a barbecue with a whole side of the family I’ve never had any contact with before.

Michael: I just came here to say I don’t want anything to do with you.

Josephine: Well, I don’t want anything to do with you, either. Mama and I are getting along just fine, thank you very much.

Michael: Yeah, taking responsibility for my kid would take time away from me doing other things, like playing tennis and watching the hundred greatest movies of all time.

Josephine: Well, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Michael: I was gonna come see you when you were a lot younger, but the boys wanted to go skiing that weekend so I didn’t. Here’s the presents I was going to give you. (He hands her a gift bag) There’s a teddy bear in there and a rubber duck and a little dolly. I hope you like your presents and get hours of enjoyment out of them.

Josephine: Gee, thanks.

Michael: No problem. I know they’ll adequately replace the love I don’t feel for you and make up for all the times I won’t be there.

Scene 9

The kitchen. Josephine is sitting at the kitchen table. Kristina hangs up the phone.

Kristina: Josephine, I’m going to have to stay with your cousin Camile while her husband is in the hospital. You’re going to have to go to Nana’s, the grandmother you just met the other day.

Josephine: I don’t want to spend the night at Nana’s. I’d rather spend the night with Michael Andretti.

Kristina: Fine.

Josephine: I was being completely and utterly sarcastic.

Kristina: Too late.

Scene 10

Michael Andretti’s house. Josephine and Michael are lying on twin cots.

Josephine: Thanks for letting me sleep here.

Michael: No problem. Now, I’d like to show you how I sleep. First I pull back the covers and get into bed. (He pulls back the covers and finds a note) Hmm, what’s this? (Reads) Don’t forget to pick up the coke shipment. Oh, that must be one of my buddies. They’re always leaving crazy notes around my place. Now I get into bed and turn on the CD player. I hope you don’t mind, but I can’t get to sleep without the sound of mosquitos buzzing loudly.

(He turns on the CD player and falls asleep. After a while, he gets up, sleepwalks to the front door and walks out, leaving the door wide open.)

Scene 11

A street. Josephine is walking down the street. Michael Andretti comes up to her.

Michael: Hey, I don’t know if it’s all the beer I drank or what but I’m feeling a rare moment of fatherly love. Let’s go out for pizza.

Josephine: Sure.

(They go into a pizza joint.)

Owner: G’day, mate. Let me show you how we make an Australian pizza. (He adds ingredients as he mentions them) First we add a fried egg, then some salmon, then some plain yogurt, then we top it all off with some relish.

Michael: I see you serve whole bottles of vodka here?

Owner: Darn tootin’, mate.

Michael: Then I’ll just have one of those.

Owner: Right. Then what’ll it be for the little wop lady.

Josephine: Piazza sounds good, please.

Owner: That’s pizza sounds good mate, you lousy wopgirl.

(He hands her the pizza. Michael Andretti drinks his vodka.)

Michael: Tell you what. Let’s drive all the way to Brisbane so you can see my apartment and meet my girlfriend who doesn’t even know you exist.

Josephine: That sounds like a good idea.

Scene 12

The car. Michael is weaving along a country road.

Josephine: I don’t know why we had to stop in all those villages and listen to all those people’s boring stories.

Michael: Because they had good bars. Now shut up.

Josephine: I think I’m going to be car sick, except the censor won’t allow us to do vomit jokes so things will probably be OK.

Michael: Then why the heck are you eating all that candy?

Josephine: So I won’t be car sick.

Michael: Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that’s pretty bloody stupid. Here, eat some ginger. Better yet, roll it up and smoke it.

(He rolls some ginger into a cigarette. Josephine takes it and smokes it.

Josephine: I still feel sick.

Michael: Crikey, mate, then there’s only one thing that will work. Have some grass.

(He hands her a joint.)

Josephine: Are you kidding?

Michael: Are you kidding? This hooker’s kids I used to babysit, I used to give them grass before every trip.

Josephine: How old were they?

Michael: Oh, six. Why? And I do mean trip. (Laughs) Sorry, I just got that joke. The writer’s so good it takes a long time to get the jokes sometimes.

Josephine: Tell me about it.

Scene 13

Michael Andretti’s apartment in Brisbane. Michael and Josephine enter. Michael’s girlfriend is sitting on the sofa.

Michael: Hey, hon, I’m back. This is my daughter, Josephine Alibrandi. See, eighteen years ago I had an affair with this Italian woman and nine months later this popped out.

(He points to Josephine.)

Girlfriend: Michael, can we talk in the kitchen?

Michael: Sure thing. This apartment’s open concept, so the little accidental spawn here will here us, but what the heck.

Girlfriend: I have stayed with you all these years despite the mafia involvement, but this illegitimate child takes the cake.

Michael: Where? (Michael’s girlfriend cringes) Sorry. Sometimes this writer isn’t so brilliant.

Girlfriend: Look, Michael, I’m leaving. I can’t take this anymore.

Michael: You mean you don’t want the fur coats, expensive jewels and all the other luxuries my work for the mafia brings?

Girlfriend: Good point. I’m staying, and heck, maybe I’ll even pretend to like Josephine.

Michael: That’s all I ask.

Scene 14

A street in Sidney. Josephine and some of her classmates are leading a group of Grade 7 girls down the street.

Anna Solzik: Hey, Josephine, let’s ditch these kiddies and go to the Empire Hotel. I heard a big soap opera star is in town.

Josephine: That sounds like a really good idea. And you know what the best part of it is? It’s exactly the kind of irresponsible thing Mother Superior would expect us to do.

(They leave the group of girls and cross to the Empire Hotel. They enter and walk up to the reception desk.)

Anna: We wanna meet that big soap opera star that’s in town.

Desk Clerk: He’s signing autographs in conference room 1 right now.

(Josephine and Anna squeal with delight and walk down the hall toward the conference room. They enter. George Dailey, the soap opera star, is onstage. He looks about a hundred years old.)

George Dailey: Now at eighteen I was conscripted into the army and they were worried I’d have to leave the cast of “A Gloomier Day.” Fortunately, though, the producers had a meeting and they decided to move the production of the show to the Pacific front, and the show continued everyday at one. I’m particularly proud of the episodes we did from Guadalcanal.

(He begins to cough spasmodically.)

Scene 15

Mother Superior’s office. Josephine enters.

Mother Superior: Josephine Alabrandi, you and your fellow classmates have committed a grave offence against this school. You girls deliberately abandoned a group of Grade 7 students so you could go meet a soap opera star.

Josephine: Yeah, and not even a young hot one, either. I call that a grave offence against my total existence.

Mother Superior: It would have been bad enough if you had simply abandoned the younger girls on any ordinary day-they are after all Catholic and thus don’t know how to cross streets unlike every other girl their age, but this incident had to take place on the city’s Drunk Street Racing Day. I’m having a hard time trying to explain to all those girl’s parents why their children haven’t come home from school yet.

Josephine: (Puzzled) But we met George Dailey over a week ago.

Mother Superior: You know, Josephine, I come from a very special order. There were only five nuns in our order: myself, Mother Superior, then there was Mother Huron, Mother Michigan, Mother Eerie, and Mother Ontario. Well, I have an urgent appointment with the morgue. Those young girl’s won’t keep on ice forever. Tata.

Scene 16

The pizza shop. Josephine and Anna are sitting at a table, eating pizza. Michael Andretti enters

Michael: Hi girls. Look, I’m sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but John Barton’s dead.

Anna: What? How did it happen?

Michael: Well, apparently his level of arrogance and his level of self-importance got unbalanced and his brain exploded.

Anna: Oh how perfectly awful.

Josephine: Well, we’re sitting here eating pizza, someone our age we know is dead and it’s raining outside. What should we do now?

Anna: Let’s go skateboarding in the offices of the Sidney Morning Herald.

Michael: Good idea.

Josephine, Michael and Anna are shown skateboarding in the offices of the Sidney Morning Herald over the closing credits.

Based on “Looking for Alibrandi” by Melina Marchetta.