SATIRE: 12 ALPHA MALE TIPS FOR GETTING TONS OF WOMEN

Babylon Bee

 

12 Alpha Male Tips For Getting Tons Of Women

LIFESTYLE

Jan 2, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

 

Hey, loser! Are you tired of being a pathetic beta male? Are you tired of striking out with women because of your pitiful soy-boy incompetence? If so, it's time to take charge of your life and be an ALPHA MALE.

 

Here are our top 12 alpha male tips for attracting & retaining tons of hot women.

 

Never clean your room: Does a bear clean its cave?

 

Keep no books or written words in your home: Reading is feminine and will shrink your testicles.

 

Eat raw organ meat straight out of a freshly killed animal: Just like our ancestors.

 

If a woman says "Hi" to you, punch her in the face: Otherwise, you just seem needy and pathetic.

 

Show no affection toward kids: It shows weakness and is a distraction from you achieving your goals. Women love focus.

 

Cuddle with other men: To absorb their excess testosterone.

 

Spend hours in the gym with other muscular, vascular, bronzed-up alphas with the sweat glistening from their pumped chests: If you don't, you're gay.

 

Show her your prize kettlebell: If she responds well, she may tour your bull testicle freezer and entire selfie collection.

 

Find a nerd, carry him in your jaws to your prize woman, and lay him at her feet: Studies show women respond to this universal sign of interest.

 

Don't ever ask her what she wants for dinner: Be an alpha and force-feed her a 28 oz ribeye.

 

Never speak to a woman who is past the age of fertility: Not worth your time.

 

Come to think of it, just avoid women at all costs: Because they love men, which is gay.

 

And that's it! If our alpha male tactics don't work for you, don't worry – you can always get plenty of women, in this life or in the afterlife, by converting to Mormonism or Islam. Enjoy!