MEDIA-RELATED STUFF: WHITE NOISE ON AM; THOUGHTS ON NEWSMAX TV AND MORE

Really, CJBQ! Having Jim Wright broadcast for 12 hours! That's just crummy.

Have been getting this weird white noise on WTAM.

Tuned into Newsmax TV yesterday afternoon. Lots of dead air, usual Conservative-Liberal paradigm and most of the commercials seemed to be aimed at an older audience.

Interesting to see Alex Trebeque endorsing a product. The only thing I'd ever known him to be spokesman for till now was World Vision.

TV-RELATED STUFF

Was able to pick up CJOH-TV's Deseronto transmitter on 88.1 FM tonight.

Seems like TV commercials are getting shorter.

Also picked up Global's Channel 2 Niagara transmitter on my little TV tonight.

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF: ALLEN THICK AND BOB WASHINGTON WON'T SEE THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY

Regarding that Crown Royal commercial, if you're so dumb you need instructions on how to make a whisky and cola, you probably shouldn't be drinking.

So long, Allen Thick. I'll remember him best from "J-pod."

So long as well to K-tel announcer Bob Washington. The man had a literally unique ability.

Whatever happened to "Wavescan" on WWCR 12160 Saturdays at 12:30 eastern? Noticed "Music and Memories" in that slot today.

Picked up All India Radio in the nine megahertz band a little while ago with Bollywood film music. Umm mmm good!

MEDIA-RELATED STUFF

Can't stream Australian Christian Channel anymore.

Goodbye, John Badham. I'll always remember you as the CHEX-TV staff announcer and the way you told the news on 980 Cruise.

Speaking of telling the news, best wishes to Dick Smyth, who is battling cancer.

BORN TO SHOP

By Michael Starkey. Eastbourne, UK: Monarch Publications Ltd., 1989.

Introduction

Up in the Tree-house

By the time I came along, children’s stories had all been commercialized and us kids were well emersed in consumer culture.

The Real World

I was taught as a child to go along to get along and that the most important thing was to get a good job so you could pay all the taxes the Canadian government burdened the people with. Being liked and thought of as acceptable by everybody came a close second.

OINKS, WOOPIES, AND JOLLIES

Adverts, Adverts, Everywhere

This section has more relevance today than when this book was written.

Advertising in the West

Sadly, in the time since this book was published, consumerism has spread to nearly the whole world.

Buying into an Image

I personally notice a difference between Coke and Pepsi but it is negligible.

I don’t notice much of a difference in gbrands of vodka, except that vodka that’s a little more expensive is smoother.

Advertising and its Critics

It’s the old argument that Big Macks, Coke and the latest pop sensation are bad, whereas organic beef, French wine and Mozart are good. The problem with this thinking, however, is that at some point you had to find out about organic beef, French wine and Mozart, either by word of mouth or some other means. In other words, it was advertised to you. There are so many good, worthwhile, wholesome products out there that people should be made aware of that you’d be hurting those products if you banned advertising.

THE GLOBAL DUSTBIN

OBSOLESCENCE

There is a bit of a problem with functional obsolescence as well, the example Starkey uses in the book also serving as a good one here. When society went from chilac 78 records to long-playing and 45s, people threw away their 78s. When society switched from records to cds, people through out their record collections. Though each innovation of this type of technology was better, it also made waste out of things, i.e. recorded media, that could have been enjoyed many years more.

The other issue with this example is that older recordings on newer technology never sound as good as on the older technology because the original recordings were made with the older technology in mind and of course not the newer. Big gband music sounds best on well taken care of chilac records because the engineers, arrangers and musicians who recorded that music new what would sound best on the media on which the public would listen to their works.

Certainly no one wants old boots that crack and leave blisters on one’s feet, but we need a society that better integrates old technology and the aspects of such that was good with new technological innovation.

POLLUTION AND LIFESTYLE

The thrhow away problem is in many ways no better today than when this book was written and may even be worse in every way. As society breaks down and more generations are brought up by a previous generation who has no clue about how to actually run a household or raise a family, the wisdom the generations before them had will disappear. A consumerist “old is bad, the new way is always better” attitude will of course excelerate and exacerbate this problem. Nowadays, those who are having children know so little about domesticity, including ways to conserve and re-use things. One example I heard of recently was of a charity yard sale where the people running it threw out everything that hadn’t sold, including items such as board games for which the staff couldn’t be bothered to look for the missing pieces.

In good news, though, the right to repair and repairer movement are growing.

In further good news, the sharing economy is growing, despite politician’s and mainstream media’s hatred of it.

I don’t believe in global warming, or climate change, as it is now commonly called. Carbon dioxide is what plants breathe.

Also, global warming is impossible. As said above, plants breathe carbon dioxide. If there were more carbon dioxide being pumped into the atmosphere by man, it would cause the plants to get bigger, thereby consuming more carbon dioxide and thus, the problem would take care of itself.

If global warming were possible and occurring, however, a case can be made it would be a good thing. The land now thawing in the arctic as part of a natural part of a climate cycle will make good farmland for people. The Inuit will be able to grow fresh vegetables and not have to import prohibitively expensive produce from down south. This is already starting to happen.

Global deforestation rates are slowing. In more good news, there are way more trees on Earth than previously thought.

CHRISTIANITY AND NATURE

Though this book was published in 1989 and I grew up in the eighties and nineties, the Christians I grew up around never even mentioned anything about protecting the environment. It’s only been in the last few years I’ve come across anything that addresses this issue in any kind of depth.

Eastern religions are actually harmful to the environment. Because, for example, Hinduism holds the cow as sacred and Buddhism holds all life, including those of farm animals sacred, these animals are not eaten by the adherents of these religions. The animals eat grain and other feed and use up land, both of which things could be used for the benefit of people.

Also, in Buddhism, animals and plants are viewed as lower forms of life, souls that are being punished by karma.

Here is an article telling the truth about the Native attitude toward nature.

The last sentence of this article could be a post or book in itself. Today, we are truly a society of adult children.

POP, POLITICS AND PACKAGING

Today, we have people who are famous for being famous. At least, in the days when this book was written, celebrities sang, acted or had something of some degree of tangibility to go along with the glitz and glamour. In the last decade, though, people such as Paris Hilton and the Kardashians just get the media to make them famous for doing nothing.

The image-making of politicians results in things like the U.S. election being between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

I get what the author is trying to say about finding good pop bands and, of course, everyone has different tastes. However, because such things are fun, I am going to give my opinion on the examples of good and bad bands the author cites. Before I do that though, I will provide a bit of an update by mentioning that two more examples of bands with meaningless lyrics that have come along in the last 27 years are Nirvana and Coldplay.

REM: I would put them in the opposite category. What are any of their songs about? How were they an alternative to anything that was out when they came along?

Led Zepelin: Though a lot of their stuff consists of meaningless lyrics and stolen Delta blues songs, they definitely have a musicality that is worth something (see “When the Levy Breaks.”)

U2: What do people see in them, too? Sure, Bono says a lot of stuff, but they changed a song about the plight of the Natives into “Vertigo.” Also, in much of their work they don’t rise above being just another pop band, either.

BORN TO SHOP

The dualism the author speaks of in this chapter is Gnosticism invading Christianity. Modern Christians go to church, talk about the need for Christianity to pervade our whole lives, and either go about their lives after church as if the sermon were never preached or else turn the ideas into a program for which the same people in the church volunteer who volunteer for everything else. (The other 80 percent go about their lives as if the sermon were never preached.)

2 TIMOTHY

Chapter 1

V7: The word fear used in most translations of this verse doesn’t just mean fear when it comes to the Gospel but all fear. Fear is the opposite of faith. If we fear, we can’t operate in God’s power and the love He commands us to have for people.

The last of the three opposite traits of fear is not self-control but instead a sound mind. There is more than enough evidence fear can literally drive one crazy.

Chapter 2

V4: If someone is going to serve in the military, they don’t do so only on the condition that they can come home to their families, their nice, warm house, their warm bed, and a good homecooked meal every night, or on condition they don’t have to do anything that could put their life or physical well-being at risk. Though, as Christians, we must make the welfare of our families a priority as they are our first responsibility and our first ministry, we must also carry out this duty to our spouses and children in light of obedience to God and the following of Jesus Christ to which we are called.

V8-10: No matter how we suffer for the sake of Christ and His Gospel, no matter how we are persecuted, no matter what man thinks, no matter how the world feels, no matter what people feel comfortable in believing, the Gospel is and will always be true. “Let Christ be true and every man a liar.”

V14-18: Verse 14 puts me in mind of, for instance, the Seventh-day Adventist teaching (also believed by others and known as the anihiliation theory) that the word in the Bible translated forever doesn’t actually mean forever.

Once, I studied so that I might be able to answer the Jehova’s Witnesses and Mormons who came to the door. Now, upon further study of the Word, I realize there is no point in trying to rebut such people and their teachings face to face. As verse 14 says, disputing about words with those who want to twist the Scriptures doesn’t profit anything. They aren’t going to listen to you and you aren’t going to listen to them. In the case of the Jehova’s Witnesses, they’re not even allowed to intellectually consider anything that contradicts their doctrine, and in the case of Mormons, most of them literally shut off their critical thinking ability at the age of twelve or so when they are baptized.

Fruitless theological arguments, such as the exact nature of predestination, only increase ungodliness. A young Christian can join a church, be a member for forty years and end up with not much more actual knowledge of God and His Word than when they first started attending precisely because most of the preaching and Bible study in that church has been mainly concerned with vain theological babblings as described in this verse.

Similarly, doctrines that are not only incorrect, but even cheapen the Good News of Christ Jesus to a nearly (or completely) blasphemous level only sidetrack and increase ungodliness in Christians because they take valuable time away from the study of Christ’s truths and the truths concerning our relationship with Him. Such profane babblings include the more extreme examples of the prosperity gospel as well as easy believeism.

V20: In ancient times, common everyday plates, cups and such things were made of earthenware or wood, while “fine china” was made of gold and silver. This verse pictures a rich family who, when they are hosting important people, use their gold and silver plates and goblets; but when it’s just the family by themselves, they eat off wooden plates and drink from earthenware mugs like everybody else. Thus, we are to present our life to God as though it was a meal set before an important and special person.

V24-26: The reason there is so much forcing the Gospel down people’s throats these days, in direct contradiction to how Paul instructs Timothy here, is because we’ve made the church into an institutional organization operated upon worldly principles. Thus, we must use whatever it takes, the soft soap or the hard stuff, the good cop or the bad cop, to make the sale and get someone to join the church. However, this approach only leads to false converts, or genuine converts who don’t get properly parented in the faith and thus fall away in blasphemous bitterness to God and His (real and false) people when the church’s behavior modification techniques don’t work on them.

Chapter 3

V1-6: In a  Godly community of believers, the humble should get ahead and the proud should bring up the rear, but this is the exact opposite way the modern church functions. This is at least partially because we have made the church into an organization and thus it now functions like any other worldly institution. The stories are numerous of the person who was an abusive, self-centred person at home and to people (especially the vulnerable) of the church but was thought of as a wonderful man of God and able minister of the Gospel due to their ability to talk the talk around the other Christians.

V7: Those described in verse 6, the metaphorical silly women, are expounded upon in this verse. They spend all their time going to conferences, reading Christian books and periodicals, listening and watching Christian media, but they never actually grow in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. They only want to hear what sounds good to them and backs up, that is, gives value to, the three dollars worth of God they already possess. They don’t want to grow in their knowledge or in their relationship with God.

V13: These people who want to be deceived and, in turn, in their zeal without wisdom or knowledge, deceive others, will just sink deeper and deeper into deception. That’s what happens when you evaluate everything on whether or not it appeals to you emotionally.

Based on “Chained to the Gospel” by Michael Baughen.

YOU MEAN WE CRUCIFIED THE PAGANS?

Haven’t had one of these in years. As always, so many Christians are going to swallow this devotional hook, line and sinker. What’s said in commentary here is in hopes of at least reaching some of those people, though I know most would rather cling to what they’re comfortable with than actually think about anything. For those unfamiliar, paragraphs featuring my comments will be headed by my initials.

Who Started Christmas?

"On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us."

2 Corinthians 1:10 (NIV)

A friend told me about a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After hours of scanning the shelves of toys, and everything else imaginable, and after hearing her children begging for all the things they wanted, she finally made it to the elevator. The doors opened and typically, the elevator was packed with people. But she managed to squeeze in with her bags and children. When the doors closed she let out an exhausted sigh and said, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot!" From the back of the elevator a voice responded, "Don't worry, we already crucified him!"

AH: First of all, you know this story never happened.

AH: Notice how the woman is made out to be the bad guy, just because she’s exasperated with all the stress and busyness this time of the year brings.

AH: “It’s too late. We already crucified Him.” Don’t you just love zeal without wisdom?

AH: Jesus, in fact, did not start Christmas. Christmas has its roots in the Roman Satturnalia celebration, a commemoration of the Winter Solstice still observed by pagans today.

In the busyness of the season it's easy to forget who started Christmas. Cards have to be written and mailed out, special treats cooked (and tasted!), parties attended, shopping bags filled, the tree trimmed, lights hung, relatives phoned, the dog groomed, the snow shoveled, the house cleaned, and more. It's tiring just thinking about it!

AH: Again, Jesus didn’t start Christmas and didn’t command us to do all the things we do to celebrate his supposed birthday these days. In fact, Jeremiah specifically speaks against the Christmas tree.

AH: Did you ever think about whose idea it was to add all these traditions to our Saviour’s un-Biblical birth in the first place? Look it up.

AH: In addition, I bet a lot of people, like the fictitious woman on the elevator, have had enough of all the things in this list as well. Look around you; really observe people. Let’s face it, when your working three jobs just to make ends meet and you have to be on the Equal Billing Plan for your heat and a discount for your hydro just so you can keep the bills paid, your Christmas card list, baking, parties, and all the usual celebratory activities are going to seem a lot more trivial and maybe even less necissary.

Which is why we need to keep a clear focus: Christmas isn't about us; it's about Him. It's about the Word who became flesh. It's about the One who left a spotless castle for a dirty stable. It's about the One who exchanged the worship of angels for the company of liars, thieves and killers. It's about the One who swapped the splendor of heaven for the straw of a barn. It's about the One who can hold the universe in the palm of His hand but gave that up to float in the womb of a teenage girl. And it's about the sinless One who came to die for sinners like you and me.

AH: Actually , Christmas is about the Catholic church compromising with the pagan Romans to make the day of the sun the day of the Son and putting a Christian spin on a bunch of pagan rituals so that all the pagans who, by imperial decree, were now Christians wouldn’t get in an uproar.

AH: I thought Easter was about all those above-mentioned things. Actually, since Easter is itself another pagan holiday compromised into Christian tradition, we might want to question our celebration of that, too.

So let's not forget who started Christmas or why He started it. Remember Him when you're lighting a candle, wrapping a gift, or carving the turkey. Think about Him in the Mall when you hear Santa's, "Ho! Ho! Ho!" And keep Him in mind when you're singing, "Chestnuts roasting On an Open Fire."

AH: Yes, let’s not forget who actually started Christmas, Easter and a whole bunch of so-called Christian traditions that not only aren’t Biblical but actually take our focus off of Jesus, just as all the trappings of the holiday season tend to do.

At the end of the day Advent is about putting Jesus first. After all, He put us first. He started it all when He humbled Himself and became a man - a man who lived and died as the once-for-all sacrifice for our sin. Praise the Lord! The salvation of our lives was more important than the saving of His life. He gave up His glory so we could go to glory. That's the rub. Christ started Christmas because our souls were His highest concern . . .

(Dr. Lawson Murray Director – Scripture Gift Mission Canada)

AH: If you really want to put Jesus first, why not look in the Bible and see how Jesus wants to be worshipped, rather than going with religious tradition because that’s what you were taught and you like it.

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Picked up CFNV Montreal Friday night with French music.

Picked up Easy Rock Niagara tonight with female anncr.

Don't worry, CBC management. Just because a newscaster is going to be doing a cast that's heard in a significant portion of the province, there's no need for him to be able to pronounce simple words or place names.

Have tuned into the Grand Ole Oprae a couple times since the Saturday before Halloween. It's funny. I've been interested in radio most of my life but never heard the longest running program in radio history till this year.

Eric Metaxas has sure sucked this past week. Just do your show and quit making it a two hour infomercial for Christian Solidarity International.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-BANCROFT

This is a place I'd like to see more of. My visits to Bancroft consist of picking people up or being picked up there and subsequently dropping people off or being dropped off there. I also stopped off at the Tim Hortons there on my way to Kilalu. I also went north of Bancroft to the pig roast at Grafite Bible Camp last summer.

Around here, Bancroft has a reputation for being a weird, hick town, which is funny, first of all because it's coming from the hick towns around here and second because Bancroft was the first town in this area to get a Tim Hortons and it also has more franchises other towns in this area don't have.

Several years ago, TV Ontario voted Bancroft best town for art or something like that.

They really need to work on their electricity problems, though.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-THE REST OF ONTARIO

Kingston: This southern extension of the Canadian shield is nice with all the limestone. The last few times I went there, it had a lot of nice shops and restaurants downtown, although I don't know what it's like now. It also has a great music scene.

Peterborough: Another great music scene and more interesting shops. Peterborough is one of the few places where the downtown is still busy. The Peterborough Zoo is always a hit, as well as the Indian River Reptile Zoo east of the city.

Toronto: As Jan Morris said, Toronto has just enough of everything. While not London, Paris or New York, it isn't Columbus, Ohio or Paduca, Kentucky either. There are just enough theatres, museums, ethnic restaurants, sporting events, and other attractions.

Hamilton: Spent some time there, but my exploration of the city consisted of going to Cops' Colosseum to see a Hamilton Bulldogs game when I lived in Brantford. I'd like to see more of this interesting city because it seems like a miniature Toronto, multiculturalism without the big city hassle.

Brantford: As stated in a previous post, I spent time there a while back. Didn't see much of the town of Brantford, but saw many of the surrounding area, such as going to the Simcoe Fair, the Simcoe Lights and other places. I'd like to go back there and explore Brantford and area more, but my impression from the time I spent there was that it was like southeastern Ontario in that all the towns are unique.

Bradford: A bit of a weird-seeming city, but anyone who visits has to check out the Bradford Marsh.

The Muskokas: Cottage country. Southeastern Ontario tries to be cottage country but the Muskokas have a lot more wealth and a lot more interesting things to do. They beat us to the punch.

New Liskeard: Has a bit of a wild west feeling. The French influence also helps make it interesting.

Killaloe: Located in the Ottawa Valley, this little town also has a wild west feeling. Definitely have to go back there someday.

Barrie Huronia and the Bruce Peninsula: This area proves money buys happiness. With it's fertile farmland, tourist industry and nuclear plant, there's an openness and a friendliness in the people. Statistically, there are lesser amounts of social problems than in other parts of the province.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-BOLT CASTLE

About 15 years ago my family and I took a daytrip to Kingston and went on the Thousand Islands cruise. Geographically speaking, that was nice. I got a good feeling, being out in the middle of Lake Ontario, knowing there were (actually more than) a thousand islands around us, many with unique features. Mainly, though, it was boring because I couldn't see them.

As part of our Thousand Islands cruise, we stopped off at Bolt Castle on the New York State side of the Thousand Islands. Now _that was interesting.

For those of you who don't know the story, which I assume is most of you, a wealthy industrialist named James Bolt wanted a vacation home for himself and his bride-to-be, so he imported a castle from the Rhine River and erected it on the island on which it presently stands, the name of which island escapes me at the moment. Partway through the project, the now Mrs. Bolt died and James abandoned the project in grief.

Never having been in a castle before, touring Bolt Castle was quite the experience. We walked through the great hall, stood on the tower and saw the rest of the place, or at least the parts completed before Bolt's wife's death.

One thing is for sure: Had James Bolt completed the rebuilding of this German castle and vacationed there with his family, he would not have had the kind of home where it would be possible to tell people, "Well gosh, we'd love to have you for the weekend, but we don't know where we could put you."

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-SOUTHEASTERN ONTARIO

I've lived in this little corner of Ontario, Canada all my life. Al Purdy's poem about the small towns above Belleville comes to mind.

Geographically speaking, southeastern Ontario has more versatility than one would think at first glance.

In the southern portion of Hastings County, there is the fair sized city of Belleville and the city of Trenton, home to a Canadian Forces airbase.

As previously stated, north of Belleville there are many small towns, as well as the Tyendenaga Mohawk reservation. Again, at first glance, all these small towns may seem to blend together, a closer look reveals they all have their uniqueneses and quirks.

I've always been awed by this areas location. We are halfway between Toronto and Ottawa and not that far away from Montreal. We're also about halfway between Peterborough and Kingston, the latter containing a U.S. border crossing.

Though there are many reasons why, especially as a blind person, this corner of one of Canada's first provinces frustrates me, geographically, it's always been a personal #1.

WORLD GEOGRAPHY WEEK-INTRODUCTION

Several weeks ago I was invited to write posts in commemoration of World Geography Week, which took place November 13-19. I didn't get around to doing so, of course, but I would still like to write the posts I probably would have written anyway.

For a long time, I've had an interest in geography, the places in the world. As a blind person, you get an inward sense, a feeling for a place. The late comedian and blind travel writer Gord Painter understood this.

Despite my interest, I am not very well traveled. I live in southeastern Ontario and have been to a few different parts of this province. I've also spent some extended periods of time in Brantford and Hamilton, so I have a bit more knowledge of that area of southwestern Ontario as well than of other places. In addition, I've been to California twice on vacation, taken a day trip to Bolt Castle in upstate New York (pre 9/11 and Canadians needing a passport to get into the States) and spent a weekend in a suburb of Montreal.

I'd like to travel more. In 2014, I got a passport. However, my extremely limited income as an unemployed blind person and other challenges that come with not being able to see--such as getting to a train station or airport from my small town, prevent this.

Nevertheless, I continue to have a fairly strong interest in the goings-on, customs and cultures of different locales on this little blue planet of ours.

As you've probably guessed by now, I was an odd child. Whenever someone came over to our house, I would ask them about where they'd been outside of Ontario throughout their lives and get them to tell me about their travels. So few people have a passport. Though income limitations naturally prevent many from exploring the globe, its still a darn shame more people who are capable of doing so don't visit different places.

PARODY TIME-TODAY'S SPECIAL

TXL: Today’s special is Black Friday.

 

Open on the entrance to the store. Sam, Jodie, Muffy, and Jeff are standing near the entrance. A horde of shoppers are trying to get in.

Jodie: Those crowds seem really anxious and hostile. Are you sure you’re going to be able to hold them off, Sam?

Sam: Ah, don’t worry, Jodie. Holdin this badge in my arthritic hands, that’ll stop ‘em dead in their tracks.

Crowd: (From outside) Let us in. Let us in.

Jeff: Why do they want in so badly. I’ve never seen this many people, and this store’s usually really busy.

Sam: Well, it’s cause of Black Friday, Jeff.

Jeff: What’s Black Friday?

Muffy: Black Friday when the fat and lazy over deals get really crazy.

Jeff: What?

Jodie: See Jeff, down in the United States, all the stores have big sales on the day after American Thanksgiving. American Thanksgiving is on Thursday, so they have the sales on Friday. The stores get into the black and make enough money to make a profit for that year on that day.

Jeff: But that sounds stupid, to depend so much on one day of the year to make enough money to cover your expenses.

Muffy: Don’t ask me how the system works. Right now I’m afraid of all these jerks.

Jeff: If it’s something the Americans do, why are we doing it? We’re in Canada.

Jodie: Because Canadians are going down to the States to take advantage of Black Friday prices.

Jeff: But the Canadian dollar has fallen so drastically. Why are Canadian stores still having Black Friday anyway?

Sam: That’s because the globalists are trying to make us more like Americans, ya see, Jeff.

(The crowd grows louder)

Muffy: Before we start this scam, I think it’s best I scram.

(The crowd breaks down the doors)

Sam: Hey there, you can’t come in. Black Friday won’t officially start for another 13 hours.

Shopper 1: Screw you, old man. You ain’t gonna stop me from getting no deals.

(The crowd surges forward. Sam is pushed to the floor. A woman screams.)

Screaming Woman: Aaahhh, a mouse! A mouse!

Shopper 3: I’ll get it with my umbrella.

(The shopper whacks Muffy hard with their umbrella.)

Muffy: I’m dying. … Can’t make the words rhyme anymore. … Love you all. … Sam, give TXL my cheese collection.

(Muffy dies)

Shopper 4: I’m gonna tell the health department about that, lady. Get you guys shut down. But not before I take advantage of these deals. I’ll take three dozen of these unlabeled computer games.

Jodie: All right. Three dozen unlabeled computer games at 30 percent off—

Shopper 4: It says 40 percent off in your flyer. You trying to screw us over or something?

Jodie: No, I’m—

(The crowd surges toward the cash register, shoving items to be rung up in no particular order. People drop things and start fighting. Other members of the crowd continue to surge forward, pulling things off shelves. The chaos continues, during which Jeff’s hat gets knocked off several times. Jodie keeps putting it back on.)

Sam: Help me. Help me.

Jodie: I’ll call the ambulance as soon as I’ve finished with all these customers, Sam.

Screaming Woman: Hey, cool, a lime green evening dress with purple stripes. This’ll be perfect to wear at the country club.

Later…

(The store is now empty and in a shambles.)

Jodie: Oh, thank goodness that’s over.

Sam: (Still from the floor) Jodie, Jodie, can you cash my pension cheque for me, pretty please.

Jodie: Yes, yes, in a minute, Sam.

Enter Waldo the Magnificent.

Waldo: Oh my gosh, what happened here? Did a hurricane strike the store?

Jodie: I wish, Waldo. No, something worse than that.

Jeff: Waldo, I have a favour to ask you.

Waldo: What is it, my boy?

Jeff: It’s a big favour.

Waldo: You’re my friend, Jeff. No favour is too big if it comes from you.

Jeff: Gee, thanks. See, I’d like you to take my hat and bury it at the bottom of the deepest place you know of.

Waldo: Why on earth would you want that, my boy? Then you could never talk and learn about the world from your friends, and there’d be no way you’d ever be able to become fully human without the magic hat.

Jeff: That’s the thing. After witnessing the wonders of Black Friday I’m not sure I want to be human anymore.

Waldo: Looking around this store, I’m not sure I want to be, either.

(Waldo takes the hat off Jeff’s head, pulls out a lighter and sets the hat on fire.)

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: SHORT AND MEDIUMWAVE NEWS

The weather band on my shortwave has been coming in really well the last few days.

Oh no! Alistaire Begg is on WRNO!

What happened to "Angler and Hunter Radio" and "The Motts" on CJBQ?

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: GOOD STUFF FROM CBC AND BBC

Was listening to WCCO tonight. Good to get some Minnesota flavor.

The episode of "Randy's Vinyl Tap" about songs based on books was very good. It was radio.

Been listening to the BBC World Service the last couple days. After hearing so much of the North American news in the last several months it's refreshing again to tune into a media outlet that's still focused on good news and quality reporting (although the Beebe has it's biases, too.)

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: STRATFORD ON SKYWAVE; WTWW STILL HAVING PROBLEMS

Have been picking up CJCS Stratford.

Cool Janet Parshall got a call from the Caribbean.

Don't like that new CBC show "Now Or Never." The hosts are too cheeky.

Still can't pick up WTWW 9475.

TBL'S CHRISTMAS AUDIO CARD

This is an entertaining, funny and heart-warming production distributed to patrons of Canadian Christian organization Talking Book Library. TBL narrates Christian titles from a variety of genres and distributes them for free through CELA for the enrichment, enjoyment and edification of Canadians with print disabilities.

Click here to listen to an online version of the audio card.

To sign up for TBL, contact them using the information at the link above, providing proof of visual disability. If you do sign up, you can receive a copy of TBL's Talking Audio Card with copyright material that couldn't be included in the online version

THIS SAME SEX COUPLE MET ON A CHRISTIAN DATING SITE

Bruce: I signed up for Christian Single because I was desperate and hopeless.

Ted: I signed up for the same reasons, but I was also drunk.

Bruce: I didn't really look at any profiles, mostly just hung out in the forums. That's where I found Ted.

Ted: I knew I wanted to meet Bruce almost as soon as we started replying to each other's forum posts.

Bruce: I checked out the events page and saw that some Christian Single users were hosting an event only 200 miles in either direction of where we both lived.

Ted: We arranged to meet up there.

Bruce: There was the meet and greet, and we saw each other across the room and nodded.

Ted: When we were in between greeting ladies and fending off questions about our stances on predestination, we managed to speak to each other and arrange a meeting for early the next morning.

Bruce: I snuck out of the room.

Ted: One of my roommates asked me where I was going and I simply said I was going off to the woods for some quiet time.

Bruce: We met in the woods, sat down on a tree stump and just started talking.

Ted: It was amazing. We liked so many of the same things, felt the same way about so many issues, had similar hopes and dreams for the future. We talked so long we even missed the morning prayer time/breakfast/purity lecture.

Bruce: We've met up several times since then, done a lot of different things on dates.

Ted: As for the future of this relationship, really, that's anybody's guess.

Bruce: But one thing's for sure.

Together: We owe all the good times to Christian Single

THE FIRST TRANSGENDER DAY OF REMEMBRANCE

The first Transgender Day of Remembrance was held exactly 8 million years ago today.

At a sight in what would later become southern Ontario, there lived a tribe of cave dwellers, one of which was a transgender woman named Grurk. Evidence of Grurk's self-identification can be seen in the fact the bear skin she wrapped herself in was brightly coloured, as well as by the designs on the feathers on the tips of arrows found near her body.

On this day in 7 997 784 BC, Og, the tribe law enforcer and marketing expert confronted Grurk.

"You act like woman. You man."

"No, me woman. Me only look like man on outside. Me woman inside."

"You no want hunt. You just want gather with the women. Stand and fight."

"Am already standing."

At around this time, both fire and the wheel had just come into existence. Og, angered at Grurk, picked up a wheel, heated it in the fire and threw it at Grurk, killing her almost instantly.

On the first anniversary of this event, all the members of the tribe that hadn't been eaten by animals, killed by neighbouring tribes or died of preventable diseases gathered to remember Grurk with a candlelight vigil, which, given the technology available at the time, amounted to sitting round the fire just as on any other night.

NO COLLECTION OF RECORDS COMPLETE WITHOUT IT!

New from Horton Music, it's "Best of the NSA." This several million track collection contains all your timeless favourites like:

"Mom, could you babysit? I gotta go into work."

"My pipes are leaking. How soon can one of your guys get here?"

and

"I totally, like, don't care what she says. She is so into my boyfriend."

Act now and receive a bonus log of metadata.

To order, say "Send me the album" the next time you're on the phone and a digital copy will be mailed to the address the National Security Agency also has on file.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-THE PROMOTERS OF PURITY CULTURE

Of first importance, those who promote purity culture never actually tell you what they mean by sex. Do they mean all sex, or just vaginal intercourse?

Indeed, many of them advise not even kissing before marriage, providing the false incentive that, if the young disciples wait and do as little as possible before tying the knot, the wedding night will be that much more spectacular.

Also, it is subtly frowned upon to do any further research into matters sexual other than what one was taught in school because this is seen as dirty and improper.

I ask you, person who has drunkenly clicked on this post while searching for something else, at what other thing in life is one expected to be absolutely great at the first time with little to no experience and only a rudimentary knowledge?

Further, the wedding night is often extolled as "the best sex you'll ever have." In truth, it will be the worst sex you've ever had because, if you save intercourse for marriage (as you should), it will, it goes without saying, be your first time. Fortunately, you and your significant other will have the rest of your lives to get good at it, and if you don't manage to get better by that time, you'll be dead and won't care anyway.

Incidentally, would someone please send me a bootleg audiobook copy of "Every Young Man" and "Every Young Woman's Battle." I so want to write a parody of the whole purity culture in general.

A thousand thanks in advance.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-THE MAINSTREAM AND ALTERNATIVE MEDIA

Well, that clinches it. I no longer wish to get into broadcasting after this Atlantic Ocean-sized puddle of mud slog known as the 2016 United States Presidential election.

Instead of doing the job it once at least sort of did, i.e. talking about issues, holding candidates to account, keeping somewhat of a rein on it's bias, the mainstream media contributed as much to as it covered the shananigans of the candidates. Mark 2016 as the year the mainstream media will go down in history as having died.

Conversely, those in the alternative media did one of two dumb, or at least less than prudent things.

On one hand, there were those (Alex Jones, I'm looking squar in your direction) who went all in for Trump, not reporting on who his friends and associates were or the organizations to which he and they belonged.

On the other hand, you've got those who are reporting on such things, and as they do with anything that happens that looks as if it might have positive implications for our side, treat it as a complete globalist ruse, inadvertently strengthening the power elite by saying they can never be hindered in their agenda.

Remember, God, Jesus Christ, is ultimately in control. Though there are many reasons to be caughtious about the Trumpster and those who will form the next United States government with him, I look at this as something ultimately allowed by the Almighty to give us hope and a bit of a reprieve to gather in more of the remnant. At least, it certainly seems like such a thing compared to what would have happened had Hilary Clinton been selected instead of Trump.

SOME PEOPLE ARE DUMB-INSTITUTIONAL CHURCH PASTORS

(This feature is back by popular demand, ... well, actually by unpopular demand, ... well, truthfully, by no demand whatsoever, except perhaps my own.)

With more and more Christians leaving the institutional church to find Jesus, institutional church pastors are getting angrier and angrier about this trend, if one can perfectly encapsulate huge numbers of people becoming alive in Jesus and throwing off the shackles of something that is just as systematic as most of the world's other religions with the word trend, that is.

Fiery exhortations issue forth from the pulpits against this, but such rhetoric is the reason these congregants are leaving traditional churches in the first place.

These Christians, dones as they are sometimes called, are characterized as ships without captains, and other such eloquent sounding garbage. They are pictured as drifting through life, directionless, undedicated to their faith, and, one assumes, lacking in spiritual growth.

However, such thinking does not explain, and indeed is totally refuted by the fact that, when followers of Christ leave institutional churches, they frequently start studying the Bible mor frequently praying more often and having deeper fellowship with other believers.

Incidentally, you have to laugh as well at the characterization of those outside the institutional church as lone rangers, those who, when hard times come, have no brothers and sisters to turn to for comfort and sucre. As if you get much of that in most churches. More like:
Brother A: How ya doin, brother?
Brother B: Well, brother, my wife has been diagnosed with a serious illness, I just got fired and have no prospect of finding another job anytime soon, my teenagers' favourite hobbies are stealing cars and beating up old people, and I feel depressed, regretful and wonder why God ever created me in the first place.
Brother A: Well, nothing's too bad as long as you have Jesus.

PARODY TIME-MARY ANNE'S BIG BREAKUP

MARY ANNE’S BIG BREAKUP

 

Scene 1

Mary Anne’s room. Mary Anne is looking through a shoebox full of cards and letters. Sharon enters.

Sharon: What do you have there?

Mary Anne: Everything I’ve ever written to Logan.

Sharon: Why do _you have them?

Mary Anne: He loaned them to me so I could re-create my journal. It was his idea. Can you believe he’s kept everything I’ve ever sent him? Isn’t that sweet? (Gazing down at the box) It looks like it’s all here.

Sharon: That’s extremely sweet. Logan is so tenderhearted.

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Sharon: I’m glad you found someone who’s so much like you.

Mary Anne: Sharon, do you think I’m wimpy?

Sharon: No, why would you ask such a thing? I mean, look at what you’ve gone through. You grew up without a mother. You had your father, but he was strict. Then again, the whole growing up without a mother thing can’t be good for anyone, no matter how great the father is.

Mary Anne: Well, I feel like I’m wimpy because I want to break up with Logan and play the field but I don’t think I can get up the courage to do it.

Sharon: Sure you can. You can dump that bastard like a bad habit. Also, I came in to tell you you’re five minutes late for your BSC meeting.

Mary Anne: I better go. (She runs out of her room) It’s just too bad I have to go through a bar to enter and leave the house.

She enters the bar. A guy starts running after her. “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga plays in the background. Mary Anne exits.

Jeremy: Bu bu bu bu bu bu bucker face. It’s buckerface.

Justin: Hey, Jeremy, you chasin that one in the purple?

Jeremy: Yeah.

 

Scene 2

Claudia’s room. Mary Anne runs in. Kristy is sitting in her director’s chair.

Kristy: Whoa, Mary Anne, who’s chasing you?

Mary Anne: Those guys from the bar we live behind. I was afraid I was going to be late.

Kristy: Don’t worry about it.

Mary Anne: You mean you don’t care if we’re late anymore?

Kristy: No, this club has pretty much gone to heck in a bucket anyway.

Stacey and Claudia enter and sit down. The phone rings. Claudia answers it.

Claudia: Hello, Baby-sitters Club. Hi Mrs. Rodowsky …. For next Saturday night. At five. OK, we’ll call you right back.

Mary Anne reaches under the bed, pulls out the record book and glances through it.

Mary Anne: Uh oh. No one is free next Saturday.

Claudia: That’s right. Stacey is going to be smoking pot behind the library, I’m going to be helping Mongrel and Weasel with the liquor store heist, Kristy’s going to be hanging out in the front part of my house, and Mary Anne’s got to take care of some witnesses from one of Mongrel and Weasel’s previous jobs.

Kristy: We’ll have to call up Logan.

Mary Anne: Ah, Logan.

Stacey: What’s the matter. You say his name like it’s something awful, like _school or _job.

Mary Anne: I want to break up with Logan and play the field.

Claudia: Why would you want to do that?

Mary Anne: Because it’s quite evident that his rich family isn’t going to give me any money

Stacey: Then by all means,you get out there, girl.

Kristy: I don’t know. I mean, are you absolutely sure his family isn’t going to give you any money?

Mary Anne: Pretty sure.

Stacey: Shouldn’t we call Logan and get back to Mrs. Rodowsky about next Saturday?

Kristy: No, I frankly lost interest in anything to do with this club anymore.

Claudia: Everything except this!

She reaches under her pillow and pulls out a coffee can full of pot. The girls cheer.

Stacey: How do you sleep at night with that thing under your pillow?

Claudia: I use these.

She opens her sock drawer and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills.

 

Scene 3

The Argo Diner. It is really the front room of a shabby looking house. An old tape of a CFL game plays loudly in the background. Logan and Mary Anne are sitting at a table with one leg missing. Mrs. Smith, the waitress and one of the proprietors slams the plates of food down on the table.

Mary Anne: Logan, we need to talk.

Logan: About what.

Mary Anne: Us.

Logan: Us? You mean you’re remedial spelling test. Like I told you, it is I t, the is t h e, us is u s, meaning u and s, not U.S. like the country, and a and I are just a and i.

Mary Anne: No, not that. I wanted to talk about our relationship.

Logan: What about it?

Mary Anne: Well, it seems like we always do what you want to do. You’re the one who makes all the decisions.

Logan: Well, where would you have liked to have gone for dinner tonight?

Mary Anne: Well, here. I mean this place is the best.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) Hon, get me a beer.

Mrs. Smith: (From the living room) Get it yourself. Cripes, you drink so much of it in one evening I should just get you kegs.

Mr. Smith: I can’t drink from those anymore after the doctor told me to stop because I’d gotten waterlogged so many times.

Mrs. Smith: Screw you.

Mary Anne: It’s just that, it seems like you never consult me on anything.

Mr. Smith: (From the living room) That’s not it at all. Ten to one she just wants to play the field, the little bitch.

Logan: Is that what it is?

Mary Anne: Actually, that’s exactly what it is.

Logan: I’m leaving.

Mary Anne: Yeah, I’m done my food too.

They exit. Mrs. Smith comes into the front room.

Mrs. Smith: You forgot to pay for the food.

Logan: Screw you.

Mary Anne: If it’s any consolation, we weren’t planning to pay anyway.

 

Scene 4

The street in front of Claudia’s house.

Mary Anne: I just hope we can still be friends.

Logan: Still be friends?! Still be friends?!

Mary Anne: Yeah, like they taught me in remedial spelling class. S T I L B E E E F E N D S.

Logan: You want us to still be friends. In other words, you want to get together every couple weeks so you can tell me about all your problems with your friends and whatnot, because being your ex-boyfriend I know you more deeply than anyone. Then, after we’ve talked about those problems with your friends and things like that, you’ll drop me like a hot potato until the next time you need to talk to someone about how stupid Claudia is and how she always screws up the jobs Mongrel and Weasle give her to do.

Claudia comes running up to them.

Claudia: Hey guys, what’s going on?

Mary Anne: I just broke up with Logan.

Claudia puts her hand to her mouth and laughs.

Claudia: Let’s go inside.

Mary Anne and Claudia go into Claudia’s house. A police car speeds to a stop.

Officer: Darn, the bitch we were after for that liquor store robbery ran inside her house and we don’t have an arrest warrant. Let’s arrest this guy.

Logan: You can’t do that. I haven’t done anything wrong that you’ve managed to catch me for and plus, I’ll miss football practice tomorrow.

Officer: You’ve got kind of long hair. People’ll suspect you of something dirty. We’ll convince a jury for sure.

 

Scene 5

Claudia’s room. Claudia and Mary Anne are sitting on Claudia’s bed.

Claudia: Codeen or acid?

Mary Anne: Both, please.

Claudia: Definitely. Mescalen?

Mary Anne: Sure.

Claudia: Cocaine? Heroine?

Mary Anne: Definitely.

Claudia: Let’s go over to your house.

Mary Anne: Sounds like a good idea.

 

Scene 6

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing beside her locker. Some boys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: Hey, Mary Anne. We just thought you’d be interested to know we’re gonna hoist you on top of the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Let me guess. This is because I broke up with Logan.

Football Player 2: Exactly.

Mary Anne: Look, it’s like I keep saying. I wanted to play the field so I broke up with Logan. Isn’t that a good reason?

Football Player 1: But you broke his heart.

Mary Anne: Why do boys always have to stick together?

Football Player 2: Well, it’s not a matter of loyalty. We just want to hoist you onto the flagpole.

Mary Anne: Oh. … You want to go out sometime.

 

Scene 7

Logan’s house. Mary Anne knocks on the front door. Mrs. Bruno answers it.

Mrs Bruno: Hi, Mary Anne. How are you?

Mary Anne: Pretty good.

Mrs. Bruno: Logan’s at football practice but I don’t know what he’s going to do afterwords and I don’t know when I’ll be finished my bender so just leave whenever you want.

Mary Anne: OK. Where are the kids?

Mrs. Bruno: I don’t know where Kerry and Hunter are. Anyway, I have to go. Bye.

Mary Anne enters the house and opens the liquor cabinet. She gets out a bottle of brandy and sits on the couch. A brick whizzes past her head, narrowly missing her.

Mary Anne: Hey!

Kerry and Hunter enter.

Kerry: We just want to say that we don’t like you anymore because you broke up with Logan.

Mary Anne: I think we need to talk. Come sit down beside me.

Kerry and Hunter sit down beside Mary Anne.

Hunter: You don’t like Logan anymore.

Mary Anne: No, it’s not that I don’t like Logan anymore. It’s just … well, you ever known someone who loved someone, then they found out that someone didn’t own all the cool stuff they said they had, and you realized you weren’t going to play all the video game systems they had, or ride that horse they said they kept in the crawlspace under the stairs, and you still loved the person, but you wanted to find more people to love in hopes they would have the cool stuff you wanted?

Kerry: Do you mean like friends or like a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Mary Anne: I mean like a boyfriend and girlfriend. The someone I’m referring to still loved their boyfriend or girlfriend, but they want to find other boys or girls for the reason I mentioned earlier.

Hunter: Oh, you mean like Uncle Kevin.

Mary Anne: Yes! I mean exactly like your Uncle Kevin.

Kerry: I get it now. I’m not mad at you anymore, Mary Anne.

Hunter: I see it to, but the doctor says I have Child Sadism Syndrome so I’m still gonna beat you black and blue.

He proceeds to do so.

 

Scene 8

The school hallway. Mary Anne is standing at her locker. The guys from the football team come up to her.

Football Player 1: OK, we’re gonna hoist you onto the flagpole now.

The football players carry her into the gym and hoist her on top of the flag pole. They exit.

Mary Anne: Help! Help!

Horhay, the retarded illegal alien enters.

Horhay: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Mary Anne: Horhay, help me.(Horhay begins rattling off a Hitler speech in Spanish. He then pulls out a machine gun and shoots up the gym.) Hey Horhay, wanna go on a date sometime?

Horhay: Si.

 

Scene 9

The street outside Mary Anne’s house. Mary Anne is standing in front of her house. Claudia comes up beside her.

Claudia: How was your date?

Mary Anne: It sucks. Who figures a poor person isn’t going to have any money?

Claudia: Well, I think I got the solution.

Claudia pulls a can of gas and a match out of her bag.

Mary Anne: Hey, good idea.

Mary Anne lights the can of gas and throws it at her house. The house burns to the ground over the closing credits.

Based on "Mary Anne's Big Breakup" by Anne M. Martin.

"Parody Time" will return in the new year with a whole new set of laughs.

PARODY TIME-NOWHERE WILD

NOWHERE WILD

 

Open on a street outside of a large wooden building. Jake is marched down the street and inside. The building is a makeshift courthouse. Three judges sit at the bench.

Judge 1: Gentlemen, lead the prisoner to the bench. (Jake is led to the bench) You, young man, are charged with a number of very serious crimes.

Jake: Like what?

Judge 2: Several counts of hunting without a license.

Jake: But my family and I were just trying to survive, then I was just trying to survive alone, then Izzy and I were just trying to survive and get here, where I thought we were going to be treated better than this.

Judge 3: Young man, the world may have been turned upside down by an unforeseen flu pandemic but the law is still the law.

Jake: What else am I charged with?

Judge 1: Several counts each of entry into forbidden wilderness areas and unsafe transport of a canoe.

Jake: Your honours, again, we were just trying to survive. I was lost.

Judge 2: You must be very lost indeed, son, in order to have committed so many crimes at your age.

Judge 3: We hope an undetermined amount of time in our makeshift prison will straighten you out.

Jake: Don’t I get to make a statement in my own defense?

Judge 1: We considered that but it might trigger memories for Izzy so we’re going to have to say no.

Jake: This is outrageous. What kind of future is this new world we find ourselves in going to have if this type of garbage is still going on?

Judge 2: Don’t make us tack on a charge of practicing medicine without a license. (Pointing to the men who brought Jake in) Guards, take him to the cells.

(They start to lead Jake toward the back door of the courtroom)

Judge 3: Hope we don’t have to see you back here.

 

Closing credits.

 

Based on “Nowhere Wild” by Joseph Beernink.