PARODY TIME-PEACHES

PEACHES

Scene 1

The peach orchard. Murphy Gowan and Gavin are sitting on the fence. Coldplay blasts from Gavin’s van.

Gavin: Don’t you think that everything Coldplay sings speaks to where you are at the exact moment you hear it?

Murphy: Uh huh. I’m bored.

Gavin: What do you want to do?

Murphy: I don’t know. Let’s sneak into a bereaved man’s home and steal his liquor.

Gavin: Good idea. Hey, did Darlington’s wife really die?

Murphy: I don’t know.

(Murphy and Gavin sneak across the orchard and onto the porch. Murphy opens a window and climbs into the house. She goes into the pantry, sweeps the shelves with her eyes and takes down a bottle of Crème de Mint. Gavin closes the window. A tapping sound can be heard upstairs. Murphy turns. Two kittens appear and chase after her.)

Murphy: (Running for the window) Help. Help. (Crashes through the window) Ow, why did you lock the window?

Gavin: (Shrugs) I don’t know. I guess I thought you’d be coming out another way or something.

(Footsteps and the sound of a shotgun cocking are heard.)

Murphy: Hurry!

Gavin: Gotta go.

(Gavin heads for his van, jumps in and tears away. Coldplay is still blasting from the stereo.)

Murphy: Gavin, Gavin!! Oh, great. By the way, Coldplay sucks. Chris Martin sounds like he’s trying to say something meaningful but it never quite comes off, you know what I mean?

(Walter Darlington appears, shotgun in hand.)

Darlington: You couldn’t have picked a worse day, missy. Consider yourself part of the labour force now.

(He throws a handkerchief over Murphy’s nose and she falls to the ground.)

Scene 2

The Caulie-Smith house. Lita Caulie-Smith, her father, mother, sister Danai, and Danai’s fiancé Brighton are sitting around the table, eating lunch.

Mother: So what did you want as your wedding song?

Danai: I was actually thinking something really classy, Shania Twain maybe. How about “Man, I Feel Like A Woman.”

Mother: Oh, a marvelous choice.

Father: So, Lita, do you have any plans for spring break?

Lita: Yes, Rex and I were going to camp out in my room in a tent and eat chocolate bars and watch daytime TV for the entire two weeks!

Father: Well, Princess, I’m afraid you won’t be doing that.

Lita: Oh, great. Just what did you two have in mind?

Mother: You’re going to help out on your uncle’s peach farm.

Lita: (Smashes expensive china bowl on table) What!? How could you even think of such a thing?

Mother: Your uncle wants you to be an influence on Bertie.

Lita: Oh, great. Rex was really looking forward to our plans, too. He said it would be the most exciting spring break he had ever had. (Puts head down on expensive china plate and smashes it) May I be excused?

Father: Yes, you may. (Lita exits.) We really must do something about those teenage dramatics of hers. It’s getting expensive.

Mother: I suppose it’s too late to ask why camping out in a bedroom eating snack food and watching daytime television would be the most exciting spring break one had ever had.

Father: Well, you see, this Rex boy our daughter is seeing has no sense of direction. At the beginning of every spring break previous to this he would always get lost and locked in the school after the final bell rang.

Scene 3

Bertie’s room. Bertie is sitting in her window seat, talking to her mom on a cordless phone.

Cynthia Darlington: I could not stand that horrible place one more minute. Oh, that terrible farm and that awful husband of mine … and that horrible daughter. Oh, that daughter of mine makes me shudder just thinking about her.

Bertie: Mom, you’re breaking up really bad. I’m going to hang up now.

Cynthia: All right, dear. Remember to eat your vegetables.

(A click is heard on Cynthia’s end of the line. Bertie turns on the TV.)

Anncr: VH-1 now returns to its special presentation on eighties hair bands.

(An eighties hairband member appears on the screen.)

Band Member: I guess you could say our breakup was inevitable. I mean, once we realized we had no talent that was pretty much it, no what I mean?

(Pi enters Bertie’s room.)

Pi: Bertie, lazing around your room while your father is working himself to the bone out in the orchard. Go out and help him.

Bertie: But work in the fields is so hard.

Pi: Ha. Did I ever tell you about that time I was stranded on the ocean with an orangutan and a ravenous tiger? Now that was hard. You see, my father owned a zoo—

Bertie: We’ve all heard that long, boring story that doesn’t even seem to believe in itself before. I’ll go. I’ll go.

(Bertie opens her window and shimmies out of it. She lands on the ground and goes toward the room containing the peach press. She enters and falls right into the press. Enrique is standing at the press with his hand on the handle.)

Enrique: Hmmm, I am contemplating whether I should continue the operation of this peach press even though there is a human specimen recently contained therein.

Bertie: No, no, get me out!

Enrique: It presents itself as a delectable temptation?

Bertie: No, help, help, no!

Enrique: Upon further cogitation, I do not think my employer would like to have his progenitor brought to her mortality in such a manner and at such a nubile age.

Bertie: Hey, who are you calling nubile?

(Enrique reaches into the peach press and helps Bertie out.)

Enrique: No comprende. My English, it is no so good.

Bertie: Why didn’t you warn me that stupid press was there?

(Enrique points to his head and then his mouth. Bertie kicks her foot at him and falls back into the peach press.)

Scene 4

The cellar of the Darlington house. Murphy is lying on a cot. Walter Darlington enters dressed in a clown suit.

Walter: Worky time. Wakey wakey.

(He blows a party blower.)

Murphy: Oh, why couldn’t I have just been turned over to the police and sentenced to juvey where I could be bullied by tough girls and treated inhumanely by burned-out, unfeeling guards appointed by the state?

Walter: So you don’t like me dressing as a clown for your first day of slave labour? That hurts my feelings, you know. Anyway, my daughter will show you what to do. Bertie!

(Bertie enters.)

Murphy: Hey, Chicky Darlington.

Bertie: My name is Bertie.

Murphy: Whatever your name is, you’re dead meat.

Walter: Well, good, it seems like you two already know each other. I’ll leave you two alone to get better acquainted.

(Walter exits.)

Murphy: How did you get a name like Bertie, anyway?

Bertie: My full name’s Alberta.

Murphy: Oh, I get it. You’re family’s rich so they wanted to give their daughter a hoity-toity name like all other proper rich families.

Bertie: No, I’m named after the Canadian province of Alberta. In fact, I wasn’t always called Alberta.

Murphy: Then when did your parents start calling you that?

Bertie: When I became a teenager. They named me after Alberta because I had so much oil.

Murphy: Listen, I don’t want to work. Couldn’t we do something else?

Bertie: I guess we could watch Nellie’s latest video on my phone.

Murphy: Sounds good to me.

(Bertie brings up the video on her phone. Nellie appears on screen.)

Nellie: (Sings) Oh yeah, oh, oh, oh,

I know I ain’t got no talent,

I don’t really even rap,

But I got in wit da right people,

So screw you.

I just speak in a sing-song way,

Instead of rappin,

I ain’t even been popular in years,

But I’m goin do this anyway.

I’m real insecure,

Cause I ain’t good at much else,

So I’m goin act like I’m so big,

Maybe people won’t see.

Now, ladies and gentleman, speakin of hasbeens, yo, here’s Kelly Roland.

(Kelly Roland appears onscreen and wrestles Nellie to the ground.)

Kelly Roland: It’s getting hot in here so take off all your clothes. Oooh, there’s a clever line if I ever heard one. And that duet we did together, how pathetic was that?

Bertie: Well, enough messing around. Let’s go.

(They walk out to the peach orchards and stop in front of a tree.)

Murphy: Wow, a peach tree. Just the very thing we’re looking for.

Bertie: That’s the attitude. Now, you do know how to pick peaches, don’t you?

Murphy: I think I can figure it out.

(She pulls a hammer out of her pocket and takes a swing at the tree.)

Bertie: What did you do that for?!

Murphy: Don’t you have to tap a peach tree for its sap?

Bertie: No, that’s a maple tree. This is Georgia! There aren’t even any maple trees around here! What were you thinking?!

Murphy: So, I don’t spend that much time out in nature. Sue me.

(Walter comes up to them.)

Walter: Well, that doesn’t really matter now, Murphy. I’ve decided to sell the farm to some twisted billionaire who has no love for the soil or the world in general. Finances are so bad I just can’t make it anymore. (Nectarines start falling from the sky) Holy moly, with these nectarines I’ll be rich! The sale’s off!

(A hurricane suddenly blows up. Bertie grabs Murphy and runs for a rickety old shed.)

Scene 5

After the storm. Bertie and Murphy crawl out from under the remains of the shed which has been blown down.

Bertie: (Looking around) Wow, everything around us was damaged, but except for the shed, everything at Darlington Orchards is undamaged.

Murphy: Hey, look, up on the porch. It’s Enrique. Don’t you have a bit of a crush on him?

Bertie: I do not!

Murphy: Wanna go see him, make sure he didn’t get hurt in the storm?

Bertie: Thought you’d never ask! (Bertie makes her way from where the shed previously stood to the porch in three steps. Enrique is sitting on the front porch of the Darlington house with a very attractive young woman in his lap. Bertie bursts into tears.) Enrique!How could you do this to me?!

Enrique: Relax, babe. This is Felicia. She’s my new baby sister.

Bertie: Oh, that’s so cute! I love you Enrique.

(Silence for five seconds. Bertie gives Enrique a big kiss.)

Closing credits.

Based on “Peaches” by Jodi Lynn Anderson.

FINDING RINTINTIN

"If you have a good heart you'll have good luck." Guess all the civilians who were killed in the world wars had evil hearts then.

Ritnintin should have gone to live with Jacques since the dog had done so much good for the boy.

SCREIVM

The only thing worse than watching this movie would be watching the fictious film franchise herein.

THE BOONDOCK SAINTS

This was a good movie with a plot for which I was willing to suspend my disbeleif. Suspend my disbelief, that is, up until almost the end of the film. In real life, there is no way you can bring guns into a courtroom, let alone shoot one up, and have any cop or any other officer of the law turn a blind eye, no matter whose on trial and how likely they are to be unjustly acquitted.

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Picked up CKLW Windsor a few weeks ago under CJBQ with TV audio from A Channel Windsor's 11:00 news.

Listen to "Take It Outside" Saturdays at 12:30 on CJBQ.

Have been quite impressed with the summer students working at 91x this year. I especially enjoy Lindsey Heron on middays and newswoman Leah Donne-Hartog.

Was quite impressed to hear "What Is Truth?" and a lifestyle show on 1520 WWKB, which normally carries ESPN programming. It was a welcome, interesting and unique change for a couple hours.

Thought Torah Kachur did a good job hosting "Quirks and Quarks" a few weeks ago. She was warm and friendly, not stuck-up and nerdy like Bob McDonald.

MINI DX LOG 8/26

88.3 Family Life station from upstate New York with ID.

88.5 CKDX-FM Sunderland with ID and The Pretenders.

89.9 WRVO-FM Syracuse with NPR talk show.

90.5 CJMB-FM Peterborough with Fox Sports programming.

99.5 WDCX-FM Buffalo with "Hope in the Night."*

*This was on my fancy portable shortwave radio. When I turned on my cheaper AM shortwave receiver in the bedroom and scanned the FM band, I could only find the usual stations.

RADIO-RELATED STUFF: MADOC BMX RADIO; HURRICANE HARVEY HAM NET

Picked up WDCX Buffalo this morning with financial advice show and "The Raw Truth."

Glad the radio station for the Madoc BMX races is back on the air.

Tuned into the frequencies for the Hurricane Ham Net. Couldn't pick up anything on their daytime frequency, 14325 USB, and heard garbled voices on their night-time frequency, 7268 LSB.

PARODY TIME-MELANIE

MELANIE

Scene 1

Melanie’s room. Melanie is sitting at her rickety old desk.

Melanie: I’m so excited. Tomorrow’s the first day of junior high. (She walks over to the bed, picks up her new school clothes and shows them to the audience) I bought these clothes just today. I went shopping with my best friend, Kathleen Mead, and her mom. We were out for twelve hours. It would have only been two hours but Kathleen’s mom stopped off at a bar on the way home. Junior high’s going to be so great. Up until the end of this past school year I went to Beatle Public School. It was all right, except for Ringo Starr constantly showing up. If I have to hear “Octopus’s Garden” one more time … Anyway, the other bad thing about Beatle Public School was that I got teased a lot. See, my mom and I aren’t exactly the richest people in the world. In Grade 2 I needed a new pair of rubber boots. Well, Mom went down to the local St. Vincent de Paul and came back with a pair of moon boots. The first morning there was heavy rain I put them on, but they didn’t work worth a darn. These rich girls, Amy and Allison, went around the schoolyard at recess that morning pointing and laughing at me and saying, “Melanie Brody has moon boots. Melanie Brody has moon boots.” So humiliating. Well, I better get to bed so I can be on time for the first day of school tomorrow.

(Melanie starts to undress for bed. Her mom comes barging into her room.)

Ms. Brody: Just checking to make sure you were going to bed early. Hey, you forgot Bob, your stuffed bobcat.

Melanie: Oh, yeah, thanks.

Ms. Brody: Your father was so proud when he shot that thing.

Melanie: Mom?

Ms. Brody: Yes, sweetheart.

Melanie: I’m really excited about starting Grade 7 tomorrow—

Ms. Brody: Yeah, I know. You’ve only been going on and on about it for the last week.

Melanie: But I’m also really nervous. I mean, this is junior high, the big time.

Ms. Brody: (Patting Melanie on the shoulder) I understand, honey. After all, after you graduate junior high, that’s the last of it. No more school.

Melanie: What are you talking about, Mom? There’s high school after junior high. Then, there’s college or university. After university, you can even go further in school to become a doctor or a lawyer or something like that.

Ms. Brody: But my father told me—Anyway, that’s not important. Just remember our family motto.

Melanie: Brodys never give up.

Ms Brody: That’s right. We don’t give up. We just accept that things are always going to be bad.

Melanie: Still, though, I wish we could afford the luxuries other families have.

Ms. Brody: You mean like dishwashers and VCRs?

Melanie: And central heating and running water—

Ms. Brody: Well, you can’t have everything. Good night, kiddo. Do you want your night light on?

Melanie: Mother, I’m almost thirteen! … Well, actually, maybe I should.

Ms. Brody: OK. (Flips on night light) There you go. I stopped sleeping with a night light when I was six, by the way.

(Ms. Brody exits.)

Scene 2

The sidewalk. Melanie and Kathleen are walking to school.

Melanie: Kathleen, look at this zit! This would have to happen my first day of junior high.

Kathleen: Relax, Melanie, you can’t even see it.

(A man saunters by holding a leash with no dog attached.)

Man: Oh boy, unicorns do exist after all!

(Melanie and Kathleen keep walking. They arrive at the entrance to Degrassi Junior High.)

Melanie: Look at all the little boys. There must be a daycare around here somewhere.

(Mr. Garcia comes up to them.)

Mr. Garcia: There’s no daycare. You girls are going into Grade 7. All the boys are going to be shorter than the girls.

Kathleen: What!

Mr. Garcia: Don’t worry. I teach Grade 9 at this school. You two will learn about puberty a couple years from now in my health class.

(Mr. Garcia walks away.)

Scene 3

The girls’ bathroom. Melanie walks up to the sink. Amy, Allison, Caitlin, and Suzie are standing at the other sinks, brushing their hair.

Amy: Oh my gosh. Melanie Brody has moon boots. Melanie Brody has moon boots.

Melanie: (Proudly) These are not moon boots. These are toddler saddle shoes my mom got for 95 percent off.

Allison: And those clothes.

Melanie: Just what is wrong with my clothes, exactly?

Allison: Well, let’s just say that somewhere there’s a horse who’s awfully cold.

Amy: Or some farmer has put away his scarecrow for the season.

(Amy and Allison exit the bathroom, giggling. Melanie starts crying.)

Caitlin: Don’t pay any attention to them.

Melanie: It’s not that easy.

Caitlin: Wanna come eat lunch with us? I’m Caitlin and this is my friend, Susie.

Susie: Hi.

Melanie: Sure.

Scene 4

Outside. Melanie, Kathleen, Caitlin, and Susie are sitting under a tree, eating their bagged lunches.

Caitlin: I can’t believe what snobs those girls in the bathroom were.

Susie: Yes. Next time, you should really tell them off.

Melanie: Like I said, it’s not that simple.

Kathleen: We had problems with them in public school, too.

Melanie: Rich girls like them, I bet they have all kinds of friends.

Caitlin: I’d never be friends with them. All they care about is how they look. Anybody like that isn’t worth getting to know.

Melanie: We sure were nervous walking into school this morning.

Caitlin: Yeah, tell me about it. But what’s even more bizarre is how your parents behave, you know. My dad was all set to give me a speech about how his little girl was growing up.

Susie: My dad looked through my bags to make sure I had everything I needed.

Melanie: My mom just told me to keep my chin up and try my best.

Caitlin: What about your dad?

Melanie: Well—

Kathleen: She doesn’t have a dad.

Susie: Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry. Was his death really gory?

Kathleen: No, I meant her parents are divorced.

Caitlin: Then where does your dad live?

Melanie: We don’t know. He just kind of left one day when I was a baby.

Caitlin: Oh my, you don’t have a father at home.

(Caitlin and Susie beat Melanie up.)

Scene 5

Melanie’s house. Melanie and her mom are sitting around the kitchen table having tea.

Ms. Brody: Well, I’m glad to hear the first day of school went so well.

Melanie: Mom, do you ever hear from Dad?

Ms. Brody: Sometimes.

Melanie: What’s he doing now?

Ms. Brody: I’m not sure. I think in his last letter he said he was off fighting in El Salvador or somewhere.

Melanie: He never writes to me. Not even a birthday card.

Ms. Brody: That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Of course, the fact that whenever he writes he explicitly says he doesn’t love you might mean something.

Melanie: Why did you and Dad split up, anyhow?

Ms. Brody: I guess we decided we were just two different people.

Melanie: But he left shortly after I was born.

Ms. Brody: Honey, your father was very confused when I got pregnant.

Melanie: Why was that?

Ms. Brody: One of his buddies down at the bar told him a woman couldn’t get pregnant if she had been married to a man for four years and the moon was in its last quarter. Then, well, I did.

Scene 6

Miss Avery’s classroom. The students are sitting at their desks, working on an assignment. Melanie is writing in her journal.

Melanie: (In her head while writing) Dear Diary,

The reason I haven’t written in you in almost a week is because nothing much has happened. The lack of decent boys at this school is really disgusting, terrible and unacceptable. Plus, they’re all so sub-sub-average-looking, anyway. I am of course the last person who should complain about someone’s looks but there is a limit.

(Miss Avery comes up behind Melanie’s chair and glances over Melanie’s shoulder.)

Miss Avery: Is that anything you’d like to share with the class, Melanie?

Melanie: No, Miss Avery.

Miss Avery: Then I will (She picks up Melanie’s diary, walks to the front of the class and clears her throat. The bell rings) Class dismissed. Have a good weekend, everyone.

(Melanie gathers up her books and walks with Kathleen to her locker.)

Melanie: All the boys shorter than the girls. That is just the worst news.

Kathleen: Relax, Melanie. It’s not that bad.

Melanie: Yes it is. (Melanie starts to open her locker. Snake comes up and starts to open the locker beside her. Melanie can’t seem to open her locker. She turns to Snake, embarrassed.) Sorry, I’m helpless around a man.

Snake: I think I can get it. (He pulls out a blowtorch and melts away the lock) There you go.

Melanie: Oh, thank you. What’s your name?

Snake: Oh, people around here just call me Snake.

Melanie: Snake?! What kind of a nickname is that?!

Snake: Well, the producer of this thing told me I could have a choice of either being called Snake or Slim.

Melanie: That’s too bad.

Snake: You’re telling me. I hate that producer.

Melanie: Well, have a good weekend.

(Melanie exits.)

Scene 7

The house. Melanie enters. Her mother is sitting at the kitchen table.

Melanie: Hey Mom, we won the race against the boy’s soccer team.

Ms. Brody: Congratulations, honey. You got a letter from your dad. I don’t understand why after all this time he has to make this intrusion into our lives. Why couldn’t he have just left us alone.

Melanie: Well, you did give me his address.

Ms. Brody: What’s that got to do with anything?

(Melanie opens the letter and begins to read.)

Stuart Kerr: Dear Melanie,

Got your letter. Why you would think I would want to hear from you I can’t imagine. I thought abandoning you and your mother twelve or however many years ago it was should have proven hint enough I wanted nothing to do with the sight of either your mother or the spawn that reminded me of that horrible woman.

Good day to you.

Sincerely,

Stuart Kerr

P.S.: Thank you for the construction paper tie you made in Grade 2. It proved most useful.

(Melanie bursts into tears.)

Ms. Brody: Cheer up, honey. You also got the latest issue of Modern Teen magazine today. They included something you wrote.

Melanie: They did! (Melanie opens the magazine) Oh no, I’m included in the Hate Mail And Other Ridiculous Correspondence section. (Reads) We can’t believe this girl from some hick town in Canada called Towonto or something keeps writing to our plush Beverly Hills offices, but she does. We finally decided to publish her latest comically snory submission in hopes she’ll see this notice, get the message and stop wasting postage on sending this drivel to us. Better get practicing your burger flipping, Melanie.

(Melanie bursts into tears again.)

Ms. Brody: Cheer up, sweetie. Even if you were a successful Canadian romance novelist, odds are you’d still need to work on your burger flipping skills.

Melanie: This day’s turned so depressing. I think I’ll go see a movie.

Scene 8

The movie theatre. Melanie enters and sits down in a seat. “Revenge of the Reptiles” is playing onscreen. There is a whole lot of blood and gore. Snake comes up to her.

Snake: Hey, Melanie! Whatcha doing sitting all alone? You should be sitting beside me. This is our first date, after all.

Melanie: First date? Oh no, I forgot. We were supposed to go see this showing of “Revenge of the Reptiles” together.

Snake: We’d only been planning this since last Friday.

(Yick comes up to them.)

Yick: What are you talking about?! What are you talking about, Snake? Melanie promised me last Thursday she’d go out with me to see this movie.

(Snake and Yick get into a fight. Yick beats Snake up thoroughly. Melanie sneaks out of the theatre while the fight is taking place.)

Scene 9

The movie theatre. Melanie, Kathleen, Caitlin, and Susie enter and sit down together.

Kathleen: Now, Melanie, I hope you didn’t accidentally ask a boy out to this movie before agreeing to go see it with us.

Melanie: Guys, would you sstop. That was a whole three days ago.

(Snake comes up to them.)

Snake: Standing me up again, are you, Melanie?

(Yick comes up to them.)

Yick: No, Snake, buddy, the one whom Melanie is actually standing up is me. She promised to take me on a makeup date before she promised to take you on one.

Caitlin: Melanie! Didn’t you learn anything from Friday’s experience?!

Melanie: This is Degrassi. Students never learn from their mistakes.

Susie: Oh forget it, then. Let’s just watch this movie.

(The words “SLIME CREATURES” come up onscreen. More blood and gore ensues.)

Caitlin: Hey, this looks like “Revenge of the Reptiles” with a different title.

(Stuart Kerr comes up to them.)

Stuart Kerr: Oh, but it is. Our studio is really cheap that way. Hello, daughter.

(Stuart brushes past Melanie. Suddenly, the movie stops and the PA system comes on.)

Allison: Attention Fox Theatre patrons. We interrupt the films you are watching for a special presentation. I will now read select portions from the diary of Melanie Brody. (Clears throat and reads) Dear Diary,

Snake is just the hottest thing this planet has ever seen. He is so dreamy and has the most gorgeous smile. Oh, and by the way---

(Melanie makes her way to the front of the theatre to where the PA system is located.)

Melanie: That does it, Allison. I’ve been putting up with your garbage since Grade 2, all over things I had no control over, my clothes, etc. That all stops right here and now.

(Melanie beats up Allison.)

Amy: Oh, by the way, the hemline of that skirt looks like it doesn’t know whether it’s coming or going.

Melanie: That goes for you, too.

(Melanie beats up Amy. Principal Lawrence enters.)

Mr. Lawrence: Melanie Brody, I am Mr. Lawrence, principal of Degrassi Junior High. We have a zero tolerance policy to students standing up for themselves anywhere at any time in any way. You are expelled from the entire Ontario public, private, separate, and special school system.

Melanie: Oh, now what am I going to do?

(Stuart Kerr enters.)

Stuart Kerr: Better get practicing your burger flipping.

Everyone laughs as the closing credits start to roll.

Based on “Melanie” by Susin Nielsen-Furnlund.

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

102.5 WBEN-FM from late eighties with anncr Brandy Spufari mentioning ski hotline.

98.3 CFLY-FM from the Saturday of Easter weekend 1985. Anncr Neil Kirby mentioning lottery hotline, promoting "All That Jazz." Then into 101.5 CFMP-FM from the next evening, ID wishing everyone a happy Easter along with easy listening music.

PARODY TIME-TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A HEARTLESS GIRL

TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A HEARTLESS GIRL

Scene 1

The MT Café. Nighttime. The clock on the wall says 10:00. A woman opens the café door and flips over the OPEN sign to CLOSED. When she opens the door, we see a storm is brewing. The woman goes back inside the café. A truck can be seen approaching from the distance and pulling up to the café. While we are watching the truck approaching, the storm starts, feerce. A girl gets out, walks up to the café and knocks at the door continuously and forcefully. The woman hesitates. She turns toward the back of the café. The knocking continues.

Lynda: Oh, jeezum.

(She crosses back to the front of the café and opens the door. The girl comes in, sits down on a stool and puts her raincoat on another stool.)

Lynda: We’re officially closed at this time of night, just so you know.

Girl: Got any coffee?

Lynda: Sure. (Pours remainder of coffee urn into a cup and puts it in front of girl) Made fresh just this morning.

Girl: There a motel in this town?

Lynda: Used to be. That is, until last October when Alma Thomas’s son burnt the place down. Five year old arsonist, that boy is.

Girl: A five year old arsonist!

Lynda: Well, not really an arsonist. Alma had some matches laying around and Timmy was playing with them and started a fire that gutted the place.

Girl: Maybe Alma shouldn’t leave matches around when she has a five year old in the house.

Lynda: (Looking aghast) When Alma needs a cigarette, Alma needs a cigarette.

Girl: So if there’s no motel, guess I’m gonna have to pitch my tent outside.

Lynda: Are you crazy?! Look at it pouring to beat the band out there.

Girl: Then where can I stay?

Lynda: Well, … I guess … you could stay in my spare bedroom upstairs.

Scene 2

Lynda’s apartment. The next morning. A Labrador dog is lying dead on the kitchen floor. Seth comes into the kitchen and sees the dog. He screams. Lynda comes out of her bedroom. The girl comes out of the spare bedroom.

Girl: (To Lynda) Oh yeah, by the way, I killed your dog.

Lynda: What!? How!?

Girl: I fed him a chicken leg that was lying on the couch.

Seth: That was my chicken leg.

Girl: How old are you that you don’t know not to do a gross thing like leave a chicken leg just lying on a couch.

Seth: I was saving it for later, like if I got hungry in the next few days.

Girl: You can’t eat chicken that has been sitting out for a few days, especially not chicken that’s been sitting on a dirty couch.

Seth: Can so.

Girl: Can not.

Seth: Can so.

Girl: Can not.

Seth: (Yelling) YES YOU CAN!

Lynda: Kids, kids, I can’t listen to anymore of this. I’ve got to go downstairs and prepare for the Saturday afternoon breakfast crowd; the only crowd the café has anymore.

Scene 3

A bedroom. Two little girls are sleeping in a bed together. A man and woman can be heard arguing outside the bedroom door. The argument breaks off and the man comes in the bedroom. He picks up the little girl on the side of the bed closest to the door and starts swinging her around.

Noreen: Stupidhead Bob, why do you have to do that?

Gladys: Yeah, Daddy. She may only be my half-sister, but I’ve actually grown quite fond of her in the past year.

Stupidhead Bob: (Gets a pleading look on his face) Look, girls, this marriage to Noreen’s mother isn’t turning out to be as great as I thought it would be and that’s made me really disappointed. Therefore, I have all this anger and frustration built up after Noreen’s mother and I have another one of our arguments, especially since I realize how much it hurts you kids. I’ve got to take those feelings out on somebody, and Noreen’s the somebody I’ve chosen to do so.

Noreen: Well, if that’s the case then do it to Gladys instead.

Stupidhead Bob: Well, … I guess I could

(He goes over to the bed and starts beating up Gladys.)

Scene 4

The kitchen. Noreen, now looking about 14, is preparing to go out. Bob is sitting at the kitchen table.

Stupidhead Bob: You going out dressed like that?

Noreen: Yup.

Stupidhead Bob: You look like a whore.

Noreen: That, Stupidhead Bob, is none of your concern. Why do you like to be called Stupidhead Bob anyway?

Stupidhead Bob: Duh, to be different. Anyhow, I hate seeing you go out dressed like that every night to meet that no good boyfriend of yours Brad.

Noreen: I’ll have you know that Brad is a perfectly OK, adequate boyfriend, at least for now. He’s even slightly more mature than most boys his age.

Stupidhead Bob: Doesn’t matter. Boys, no matter their age and how mature you think they are, only want one thing.

Noreen: Yeah, I know that. Brad wants one thing, but I only want one other thing from him, too.

Stupidhead Bob: And that would be?

Noreen: The closeness I don’t get in this family. As long as I can get those hormones rushing and feel him up next to me, I don’t care if he’s just using me. Coming, Loverboy

(She goes outside. Mike Reno is standing there.)

Mike Reno: Uh, thanks, I guess, but we didn’t ask for you.

Noreen: Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean … I’m off to meet Brad now.

Scene 5

A motel room. Noreen, now looking about 16, and Wesley Cuthand, enter and put there stuff down on the bed nearest the door.

Noreen: Gee, thanks for picking me up, what did you say your name was again?

Wesley: Wesley Cuthand, ma’am.

Noreen: Yeah, thanks for picking me up and taking me all the way out of your way like this and paying for this motel room and everything.

Wesley: Well, I reckon it was fate.

Noreen: What do you mean?

Wesley: Well, … what’s _your name again?

Noreen: Noreen.

Wesley: Well Noreen, when I woke up this morning, I said to myself, “Today, I hope I meet my dream girl. Why, I can just picture her now. She’s a barely legal troubled teen girl with a whole passel of mental and emotional problems, no real usable domestic or job skills, and no real desire or even I daresay ability to make anything in her life better.” How ‘bout you come live with me.

Scene 6

Wesley’s apartment. Noreen is in the apartment by herself. The place looks spick and span, dinner is cooking on the stove, and the table is set with flowers. Wesley enters.

Wesley: Hey, honey.

Noreen: Hi, dear. How was your day?

Wesley: Oh, just construction, recreating authentic Rhineland castles for rich people, you know. What did you do today?

Noreen: Actually, I’ve been pretty busy.

Wesley: (Looking around) Hey, you have been working hard. This looks really nice.

Noreen: Check out what I did in the bedroom.

(Wesley goes into the bedroom and comes out again.)

Wesley: Aaahhh, you put a canopy over the bed, a canopy with stars on it because I told you how much I liked looking at the stars at night under an open sky.

Noreen: Uh huh, that’s right. You like it?

Wesley: Oh, I love it. Where’d you find it?

Noreen: I made it myself.

Wesley: You sewed it?

Noreen: Sure did.

Wesley: When did you learn to sew?

Noreen: Oh, just picked it up watching sewing shows on TV the last couple months while you were at work.

Wesley: Wow, that’s quite an accomplishment. And you’ve got dinner cooking and the table looks all nice. Where did you get the money to buy the supplies to do all this?

Noreen: From that coffee can in the cupboard. Must have been close to 800 dollars in there. Don’t worry, all this only cost about 60 in total.

Wesley: What! I had plans for that money.

Noreen: Plans like what? I only took a little bit, you make quite good money at your job, and besides, it was an investment in making the house look better.

Wesley: While it’s true you’ve never seen me drink, I do drink on occasion.

Noreen: So, there’s still way more than enough in there you can go down to the store and buy a six pack or a bottle of wine whenever you want to.

Wesley: You don’t understand. While it’s true you’ve never seen me drink, and true, I hardly ever consume alcohol, when I do, I go all out. I’ll get drunk and stay drunk for three days straight. I’ll drop 800 dollars and more on that single bender. Now there’s only enough money for me to get drunk for two and three quarter days. Thanks a whole heck of a lot.

(Wesley exits, slamming the door really hard. The roof starts to cave in. Noreen takes the coffee can out of the cupboard, grabs Wesley’s keys and runs out of the apartment.)

Scene 7

The café. The place is full of people eating breakfast. Noreen is sitting hunched over a table. Doloris comes up to her.

Doloris: You know, sometimes it helps to talk about your problems.

Noreen: Mmmmm.

Doloris: Come on. You can tell me, which will in itself make everything better because I’m such a good person.

Noreen: Well, let’s start in a bedroom. Two little girls are lying beside each other in bed. Two people, my mother and stepfather, are fighting outside the door. Suddenly, my stepfather comes into the room---

(The producer enters.)

Producer: The audience has already seen this part. Let’s move on.

(The producer exits.)

Doloris: My goodness, that’s so terrible. What do you plan to do now?

Noreen: I don’t know.

Lynda: Well, you can’t stay here. This place is making no money.

Noreen: Strange, there’s been quite a crowd in here all morning.

(People get up from their tables.)

Customer 1: That was a lovely meal, Miss Lynda. Unfortunately I can’t pay my bill this week. My cheque from the welfare hasn’t come in yet.

Customer 2: I’m just plain strapped for cahsh, again.

Customer 3: I just bought a new TV.

(The customers exit.)

Lynda: See what I mean?

Noreen: What you need to do is totally revamp this place. Like, why not try holding a rave here.

Lynda: A rave party! That’s so out there it just might work.

Advertisement

Anncr: You’re invited to the best rave party the world has ever seen. The MT café is going to party it down on Thursday July 22 and we want you to be there. In fact, we want the entire population of Canada to be there. That’s right, we’re serious, so serious you have ten million chances to win a guaranteed spot on the guest list. The rest of you will just have to make your way to the MT Café. The MT Café is in Qambina Lake, Manitoba, just 300 miles north of Churchill. BE THERE!

Scene 8

The café. The place is appropriately decorated for a rave. The restaurant is crammed full of people dancing.

Lynda: I can’t believe we actually got most of the people of Canada to come here.

Doloris: This little café is going to be in the black for sure. Thank you, Noreen.

Noreen: Ah it was nothing.

(The smoke alarm goes off.)

Raver 1: Wow, that smoke detector really lends the music such an epic affect, man.

Raver 2: I know. It’s like, smoke alarm trance, or something.

Raver 1: Smoke alarm dubstep, man.

Doloris: Oh dear, that isn’t a sound effect. The café’s on fire.

Lynda: What happened?

Noreen: I put some logs in the fireplace and lit it and it just started smoking.

Lynda: You stupid girl. You’re supposed to open the flue. Don’t you know how to use a fireplace?

Noreen: No, and you never showed me, either.

Lynda: That’s no excuse. You should have been instinctually born with the knowledge, then.

Doloris: And what’s more, the fire’s gonna spread even quicker than usual. These walls are literally nothing but wallpaper and plaster and a few rotting boards. All the rest of the wallboard’s rotted away by now.

(The café becomes fully engulfed.)

Scene 9

The United Nations. Antonio Guterres is addressing a crush of reporters.

Antonio Guterres: The United Nations deeply regrets on behalf of the late Canadian delegation the tragic event that occurred at the MT Café in Qambina Lake, Manitoba. We know it will be hard for the country to rebuild as most of the population of Canada perished in the fire. However, there were a few shut-ins across the country who weren’t able to make it to the event so we are confident they can do the job. Thank you. There will be no further questions.

Closing credits.

Based on “True Confessions of a Heartless Girl” by Martha Brooks.

MINI DX LOG 08/13

89.3 CKLF-FM-2 Peterborough with Sunday hymns.

89.5 CIUT Toronto with Gospel music program.

89.9 WRVO Syracuse with "Fresh Air Weekend Addition" talking about the Kellog brothers.

91.9 CKLY-FM Lindsay with news.

92.5 WBEE Rochester with program about taxidurmy.

96.5 WCMF Rochester with commercials.

PARODY TIME-WELCOME HOME, MARY ANNE

WELCOME HOME MARY ANNE

Scene 1

The new house. Richard, Sharon and Mary Anne are standing outside, in front of the front door.

Richard: Well, let’s open the front door and take a look at our new house.

(They enter. The house is one big room with a floor of rough boards. There is an old camp stove in one corner, and some blankets on the floor in another corner.)

Sharon: What?

Richard: I don’t get it. The contractor promised he was going to turn the old barn into a beautiful open-concept house with an island countertop in the kitchen and a big dining room. He even promised me an herb garden.

Sharon: Richard, which contracting company did you hire?

Richard: Well, I didn’t contact a contracting company, as such. I was in the supermarket and this kind of shabby looking guy came up to me. He said he’d heard about the fire and he wanted to build us a new house. He shook my hand, I gave him five beans from the pound I’d just purchased and the deal was done. I don’t understand. How could this happen?

Mary Anne: I want to check out my room. I assume it’s through this partition.

(She goes to slide back a partition on the far side of the room.)

Richard: Don’t open that—

(A herd of cows enters the room.)

Sharon: Richard, don’t tell me.

Richard: You know that drunk, pot-smoking farmer who helped us out the night of the fire? Well, in gratitude, I promised him he could use half our house to keep his animals.

Mary Anne: Why can’t he keep his animals in his own barn?

Richard: Because he wants to hold raves in there.

Mary Anne: Well, where am I supposed to sleep?

Richard: Pull up a blanket and some floor, honey.

Scene 2

The airport. Sharon and Mary Anne are sitting in the arrivals area.

Mary Anne: I can’t wait to see Dawn again.

Sharon: Me, too. So, do you know anything about this friend she’s bringing along, Sunny?

Mary Anne: I’ve never met her, but Dawn says she’s really fun. She works as a birthday clown.

Sharon: She does sound like she’d be fun. Remember the clowns I used to get for your birthday parties?

Mary Anne: Yeah, but unlike them, Sunny doesn’t perform as part of a prison release work program.

Sharon: There they are!

(Sharon and Mary Anne run toward Dawn, Jeff and Sunny. Sunny has an expression

 Of complete sadness on her face. Mary Anne and Dawn hug.)

Mary Anne: (To Sunny) Welcome to Connecticut.

Sunny: Thanks, Mary Anne.

Jeff: Yo.

Dawn: I’m so excited. I can’t wait to do all the cool stuff we usually do together.

Jeff: Hey, is that family with all the kids still around?

Mary Anne: You mean the Pikes? Yeah, they’re still around.

Jeff: Cool. We could build a spaceship together or something.

Sharon: All set, then. Ready to go home?

Scene 3

The new house. Sharon, Mary Anne, Dawn, Jeff, and Sunny enter.

Dawn: Wow.

Sunny: It’s like my soul, incomplete and empty.

Sharon: Well, the good thing is the cracks in the walls let in a lot of sun.

Sunny: My idea of a perfect house is one that let’s in no sunlight at all.

Jeff: So, did our old house, like, burn down or something?

Richard: Yeah, kiddo, this is our new house, and you can have the wall above your blanket painted any colour you want.

Scene 4

A radio plays.

Anncr: Well, kids, it looks like it’s gonna be pretty hot out there, so, you might wanna find some way to feel less hot or something.

Fade in on the inside of the new house. Everyone is lying on the floor.

Sharon: Well everyone, it’s a new day.

Sunny: Great. A new day so the people of the world can experience more hatred, inhumanity, war, and environmental destruction.

Richard: So, anyone have any good dreams last night?

Sunny: Yes, I dreamed I was kidnapped by terrorists and stuffed in a woodchipper.

Scene 5

The pool. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are lying on beach towels on the pooldeck.

Dawn: This was such a great idea I had for us to go to the pool. You need a new boyfriend, Mary Anne.

Mary Anne: I don’t know. There aren’t many boys here yet.

Dawn: Look, there’s Cole West. He plays Junior Varsity basketball, doesn’t he?

Mary Anne: Him? He’s a ninth-grader. He’s like ten years younger than the guys I usually date.

(Cole West swaggers over to the girls.)

Dawn: Hey. What’s up?

Cole: Me, yo, I’m high on crack.

Dawn: Cool. Well, I’m Dawn, and this (Pausing) is Mary Anne. She just dumped the old man and she’s on the prowl.

Cole: Hey, didn’t you used to go out with Logan Bruno? He’s my connection.

Mary Anne: Yeah. I broke up with him so I could date guys with more money.

Cole: Well, I got a bit o’ cash, some rock left and I just stole a car out this old lady’s driveway. Whadoya say we cruise around for a few days.

Mary Anne: Sure.

(They all follow Cole out to his car.)

Scene 6

The Pikes’ house. Mary Anne and Kristy are sitting on the couch, rum and cokes in hand.

Kristy: So did you have fun in Tijuana with Cole West?

(Jordan enters.)

Jordan: When’s dinner?

Kristy: Well, I’ve ordered a pizza. I don’t know what you kids are going to have.

Jordan: You two suck so bad.

Kristy: Gee, we’ve never heard that from any of our babysitting charges before. (Jordan exits) What’s the matter? You’re usually the first one to speak up when the kids give us lip.

Mary Anne: Oh, I guess Sunny’s worn me out.

Kristy: Oh. So, how was Tijuana?

Mary Anne: Wonderful. I’m hoping we can go back there soon if Cole can get that manslaughter charged dropped. I mean, what was Cole supposed to do? The guy was in his way.

(A knock is heard at the door. Mary Anne and Kristy answer it.)

Pizza Delivery Boy: One medium pepperoni pizza.

Mary Anne: Hey, delivery boy, ever been to Tijuana?

Scene 7

The movie theatre. Mary Anne, Dawn, Sunny, Cole, Jason, and Alex are sitting in their seats, watching zombies tear people apart.

Cole: I hope you enjoy this movie. I’ve always thought chicks liked zomby movies.

Sunny: I can really identify with the huge amounts of dismemberment and death.

Alex: Yeah, pretty awesome, eh?

Sunny: Yeah, but it looks kind of fake. Why couldn’t they have used real zombies and real victims?

Scene 8

The Rosebud. Everyone is sitting at a table, drinking milkshakes.

Dawn: Hey, remember down in Tijuana when we were dancing to that loud music at that bar?

Cole: Yeah, I thought we’d get kicked out of that ballet school for sure.

(Sunny sighs heavily throughout this exchange.)

Jason: What’s her problem?

Mary Anne: Oh, she gets like that from time to time.

Scene 9

The house. Everyone is lying on the floor, under their blankets.

Mary Anne: (To Dawn and Sunny) Are you guys up yet?

Dawn: Come on over.

(Mary Anne throws off her blanket and crawls over to Dawn and Sunny.)

Sunny: Hey, Mary Anne, we were just talking about you and Cole.

Mary Anne: Right. About that—

Sunny: He is so _not right for you. I thought he was at first, but now I can tell he’s not.

Mary Anne: What—

Sunny: I know it might be hard to cut him loose, especially since he seems to have access to lots of good drugs. I know how you are about hurting people’s feelings. But we’ll figure out some way for you to let him down easily, or failing that, I know some guys who can get either you or him out of the country for a while, whatever you prefer.

Mary Anne: Sunny, I—

Dawn: Forget it, Mary Anne. No matter what you think, Sunny’s made up her mind.

Sunny: So, anyway, you’ll dump Cole. Okay, okay, you don’t have to _dump him. I’ll call my contacts in Mexico and—

Mary Anne: Sunny, Sunny, I don’t want to go out with Cole again anyway. I mean, he’s got the drugs and he’s got the car and everything else, but it’s all from somebody else. If a guy’s not smart enough to have his own lab and work out his own deals to get cars, he’s not worth dating.

Dawn: Well, that’s a relief. Did you see those two loosers Cole brought along last night?

Sunny: I know, that Jason was a total Zit farm.

Mary Anne: Yeah, and I could tell by the way Alex was acting that he constantly gets passed bad rock.

Sunny: Yeah, what loosers. Anyway, those guys are so yesterday, literally. It’s time for us to move on.

Mary Anne: Move on? Do we have to?

Sunny: Absolutely. What you need, I’ve decided, is an older guy.

Mary Anne: What?

Sunny: An older guy. Someone mor mature. More exciting. Someone more-_experienced.

Mary Anne: Oh no. That’s not what I need at all.

Sunny: Sure you do. Believe me, there’s nothing like an older guy. They are _so romantic, and so much cooler than those twenty-something loosers you’ve been dating. Like this guy Carson I was seeing for awhile. He was older, and he was so awesome. We met at the beach. He told me he used to host a late-night talk show. Sometimes his friend McMann would tag along. Carson called him his sidekick.

Dawn: Carson? You’re not saying that he would have made a good boyfriend for Mary Anne, are you?

Sunny: Of course not! But someone _like him. Someone who’s lonely and close to death and hates all his relatives.

Mary Anne: Sunny—

Sunny: Don’t thank me. And don’t worry about a thing. I know just what you want, and I intend to find him for you before I go back home. That’s my fondest wish, to see you with a rich new boyfriend with lots of connections.

Mary Anne: Well, I’m going to go get dressed. I guess I’ll see you guys when I come back in the house. Also, Sunny, I’m really glad you’re feeling better this morning.

(Sunny bursts into tears. The Pike boys enter.)

Together: Yo, Jeff. Time to wake up.

Mary Anne: Jeff’s blanket is over there. He’s probably not up yet.

Jeff: (Getting out from under his blanket) Yo, where am I.

Jordan: The decorating squad is here! We’re gonna decorate the wall above your spot on the floor.

Byron: Yeah, how do you want your section of wall decorated, buddy.

Adam: Personally, I was thinking we could just splash the wall with all different colours of paint.

Jeff: Sounds totally cool. Let’s do it.

(There follows a montage of Jeff and the Pike boys splashing different colours of paint on Jeff’s section of wall, as well as everywhere else.)

Scene 9

The house. A knock is heard at the door. Sharon answers it. A delivery boy is standing at the front door. He looks inside the house, sees the psychedelic colours and starts tripping. Sharon takes the tray the boy is holding from him.

Sharon: Jeff, in honour of you painting the section of wall above your blanket, we’ve ordered you a big take-out dinner.

Richard: Yuppers. We’ve got lasagna, garlic bread, Caesar (pronouncing it Kaiser) salad, and chocolate brownies and ice cream for dessert.

Jeff: Whoa.

(Everyone sits down on the floor and starts shoveling in the food.)

Dawn: You know what this lasagna reminds me of?

Richard: A package of rubber bands?

Dawn: Yes, but it also reminds me of the time when we were going to make spaghetti for Mom, and we decided to cook the sauce in the pressure cooker. Jeff and I had no clue how to work that thing.

Mary Anne: Heck, Jeff has trouble working a doorknob.

Jeff: That I do, bros!

Dawn: So, we were cooking the spaghetti sauce in the pressure cooker and then Kristy called up to say there was going to be this last minute fight over me down at the train tracks. So, anyway, I left the house with everything still cooking and caused a huge fire.

Sharon: Yeah, I remember that. Was that on my birthday?

Dawn: No, it was Mother’s Day.

Sharon: All I know is I got really drunk that night.

Richard: Then it could have been any night of the week.

Mary Anne: Ah, memories.

(Sunny bursts into tears and runs away from the area where everyone is eating.)

Sharon: What’s her problem?

Dawn: Oh, Sunny’s just upset because we’re sitting here talking about the good times we’ve had as a family and her parents were recently killed in a fiery car crash.

Richard: Dawn, why didn’t you tell us about that before?

Dawn: I didn’t think it was important enough to mention.

Mary Anne: I better go talk to her. (She goes over to the corner where Sunny is sitting) Sunny, it’s me, Mary Anne.

Sunny: Oh.

Mary Anne: What are you doing in my dad’s room? Listen, I was wondering, I mean, I just wanted you to know—I mean, I don’t mean to pry. I just thought you might want to talk, you know, about—

Sunny: I don’t want to talk about anything.

Mary Anne: I know it’s hard. Like at dinner. I know how that can be, watching everybody else be this happy family.

Sunny: Was that not a riot, about the huge fire Dawn caused in the kitchen?

Mary Anne: (Laughs) Yeah, I thought Dad was going to disown Dawn and Jeff for sure. (Yawns) Well, I guess I’ll head to bed.

Scene 10

The yard. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are taking turns swinging on the rusty swing attached to the tree in the front yard.

Sunny: Well, I’ve seen everything there is to see in Stoneybrook. We’ve been to the pool, the mall, all the bars, the track, and all three casinos. This isn’t a bad town. But it’s limited. I mean, there are only so many people here, and so many places to see. There’s only one really good opium den.

Mary Anne: Chang’s House Of Oriental Good Stuff is a pretty good opium den for a town this size.

Sunny: True. But don’t you want to see more? Don’t you want to experience all the exotic alcoholic beverages the world has to offer? Don’t you want to drink those beverages already familiar to you in a different time zone? Don’t you want to try bungy jumping on meth?

Dawn: Exactly what are you suggesting? (She doesn’t answer) Sunny? Tell us what you’re planning.

Sunny: I’m planning something amazing. I’m planning a trip to the most exciting city in the world. Tomorrow. The three of us.

Mary Anne: I don’t know if my dad will--

Sunny: (Shaking her head) This has nothing to do with your dad. This is just us. Off to Monty Carlo for a magical six weeks on our own! And nobody has to know.

Dawn: You mean you want us to sneak off all the way to Canada?

Sunny: Monty Carlo is in Monaco, in Europe.

Dawn: Sunny. You’re kidding, right?

Sunny: Kidding? Why should I be kidding?

Mary Anne: You want us to sneak off to Europe by ourselves without telling anyone?

Sunny: That’s the general idea. Why is that such a big deal?

Mary Anne: It’s just—

Sunny: You’ve been there before on your own, haven’t you? With Stacey?

Mary Anne: Well, yes. But we had permission. And a plan.

Dawn: Never mind from whom or for what.

Sunny: We can make a plan. It would be more fun without one, but a plan is fine. And as for permission—That’s just a formality. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. But I want to go tomorrow, and if we ask now, there’ll be one of those long drawn-out decision processes that parents are always involved in. They’ll torture us with “maybe” and “we’ll see” and the next thing you know it’ll be time for me to head back to California.

Dawn: Sunny. Sunny, listen to me.

Sunny: Yes, _ma’am.

Dawn: (Sighing) Look, I’d love to go to New York. It’s a great city, no question about it. And I’d love to show you all the major landmarks, like the Empire State Building and the Statue Of Liberty. We could even go to Ellis Island. That is a totally cool place to visit. We could even go to the site of the mosk or chess centre or whatever it is they’re building at Ground Zero. But why don’t we just wait for the weekend and make it a family trip? I know my mom would love to go too. Richard always has a good time in the city. And Jeff? You could walk him around a wheat field for ten hours and he’d think it was cool so his opinion is of no real concern.

Mary Anne: I thought we were going to Monty Carlo.

Sunny: Dawn, Dawn, Dawn. You know I adore your family. They’ve been wonderful to me. So don’t take this the wrong way. But your dad’s an oaf, your mom’s a lush and your brother should be in a group home. A family trip is _so not what I’m talking about.

Dawn: Oh, no? Then why don’t you tell us what you’re talking about, Sunny.

Sunny: You don’t have to get all bent out of shape, you know. Come on, this is about fun.

Dawn: I like fun. Go on.

Sunny: All right. Here’s the thing. Seeing sites like you were talking about in New York is fun for tourists. Sure, we could see all the casinos in Monty Carlo and gaze at the ocean and tour the royal palace and everything like that. Don’t say it. I know, I’m visiting from California. That makes me a tourist. And someday I’d love to do all the touristy type stuff. But what I’m talking about is different. I want to see the _real Monty Carlo. The Monty Carlo that Monty Carloans, … Monty Carlins, … the people in Monty Carlo see. Wait a sec. Don’t move.

(Sunny runs into the house.)

Dawn: (Closing her eyes) _What is she thinking?

Mary Anne: I don’t know.

Dawn: Shh. She’s coming back.

(Sunny comes back out into the yard waving a magazine.)

Sunny: Check this out. (Reading) Come see the seedier side of Monty Carlo. Where do the down-and-outers live after they’ve blown all their money at this city’s famous casinos?

Dawn: What does that have to do with any of us?

Sunny: You aren’t listening, are you? If we see the seedier side of Monty Carlo, we’ll get to meet the real residents of Monty Carlo. The city is their environment. They know what to do, where to go to have a great time because they’ve blown their entire fortune living it up. Shopping is a part of that because they’ll know all the high-end stores where they can’t get a line of credit, but so are the restaurants where the matre-dis shoos them away as soon as she sees them coming and the clubs where they always sneak in and get beaten up and kicked out by the bouncer.

Mary Anne: Clubs? You mean, like, with music and-and everything?

Sunny: (Pats Mary Anne’s hand) Take a deep breath, Mary Anne. Don’t worry. I’m not suggesting anything wild here. But wouldn’t you at least like to sneak a peek at the kinds of clubs formerly rich citizens of Monty Carlo used to hang out in regularly? Look. It’s not such a big deal.
Tomorrow, as soon as Sharon and Richard make their first run to the liquor store, we’ll head for the airport. We’ll use our fake ID’s to buy tickets, and then we’ll use the people we know at the airport to get through security double quick. We’ll probably be gone for three days before they know what’s happened, and in six weeks, by the time they’ve figured out a plan of action to search for us, we’ll be back in the states.

Mary Anne: How did you figure all that out?

Sunny: I have my sources. (Looking into Mary Anne’s eyes) Look. I really need this. I’m not going to beg, but it would mean a lot to me if you guys agreed to go.

Mary Anne: Well, you seem to have subtly convinced me. Let’s go.

Dawn: Okay. We’ll go.

Scene 11

The airplane. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny are on their way to Monty Carlo.

Mary Anne: What did Stacey say when you told her we were going to Monty Carlo?

Dawn: She was so jealous! She said if she didn’t have a sitting job today she’d come with us.

Mary Anne: Gee, that doesn’t usually stop her.

Dawn: Yeah, go figure, eh.

Scene 12

The house. Mary Anne, Dawn and Sunny enter the front yard on their bikes. Richard and Sharon are standing in the front yard with all their stuff.

Mary Anne: Monty Carlo was awesome.

Dawn: I know. We should go back there real soon. (Stops her bike) What’s wrong, Richard and Mom?

Sharon: The drunk, pot-smoking farmer who helped us out the night of the fire came by. He saw the cool psychedelic colours Jeff and the Pike boys painted the house and he decided he wanted to use this house for a dance club instead of his barn. Long story short, he forced us off our land. We’re homeless now.

Mary Anne: Well, let’s go down to the Rosebud for a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Closing credits.

Based on “Welcome Home, Mary Anne” by Anne M. Martin.

MINI-DX LOG 07/30

89.5 CIUT-FM Toronto with "Maximum Rock and Roll."

92.5 WBEE Rochester with Sunday night public affairs programming.

93.3 WFCL Rochester with classic hits.

95.1 WREO Rochester with classic rock and commercials.

96.5 WCMF Rochester with classic rock.

97.9 WPXY Rochester with promo.

PARODY TIME-THE GAME

THE GAME

Open with a James Bond-like theme.

Prologue …

A mental hospital. James Thurber and Harold enter.

Harold: So, James, how are you’s doin tuday.

James Thurber: Pretty good, even if I do drink floor polish for stomach bitters and get into other comic situations.

Harold: That latest girl they brought in sure looks messed up. I wish I’da bin here when she arrived instead with the penguins at Harvard.

Dr. Thurber: Still playing golf with nuns, are you?

Harold: Yup. (Sighs) She had a pharmacy in her veins. Was sure tough cutting through that display of chocolate bars te get te her coronary artery.

Dr. Thurber: Is that her in the room we’re in front of now?

Harold: Yup.

Dr. Thurber: Do you think we should go in there and pick her up off the floor?

Harold: Huh, maybe.

Scene 1

Isolation F Ward. Danny wakes up and opens her eyes. Her head takes off from her body, flies around the room and settles back down on her neck. Danny is wearing a shirt with a horrible-looking monster on it and the words RUN FROM THE RIVERWOOD MONSTER. She slides toward the door, reaches up and tries to open it.

Danny: It’s stuck. Come on, door, open. Open. … Oh wait, it’s locked.

Ray Manzurik: Hey. Are you in there or what? Danielle Webster? Are you Danielle Ireen Webster?

Danny: Can I get out now?

Ray Manzurik: Just shut up and answer the question. Are you Danielle Ireen Webster?

Danny: Oh, yes. Who are you?

Ray Manzurik: My name’s Ray Manzurik. I’m your door.

Danny: Oh.

Ray Manzurik: So how nuts are you?

Danny: No, I just, I, too much vodka, accidentally. I thought it was water.

Ray Manzurik: Yeah, right. Well, anyway, I gotta go. Listen kid, don’t fight it or they’ll nail you. See you in about a day. Stay loose.

(Danny tries to pull herself up the wall. Suddenly, a hurricane occurs. )

Scene 2

The infirmary. A nurse wheels Danny in.

Nurse: Due to cutbacks, we had to fire all our physicians. The physicals are all done by machine.

(The nurse turns on the machine.)

Machine: Welcome to your physical! Do you have an irregular heartbeat?

Danny: I don’t know. I don’t think so.

Machine: Do you have any tropical diseases in your blood stream?

Danny: How should I know that?

Machine: Try again.

Danny: I don’t know.

Machine: You have successfully passed your physical.

(Yolanda Briggs enters.)

Yolanda Brigs: Afternoon, honey. My name’s Yolanda L. Briggs.

Danny: What does the L stand for?

Yolanda: I like Elle Magazine so much I decided to change my middle name to L. Come with me.

Scene 3

Outside Room 322. Yolanda pounds on the room door with one hand and then opens it.

Allison Hilary McKenzie: Hey, yo, what’s up?

Yolanda: Yeah, as if you didn’t already know.  Welcome to your new home, darling, your new, permanent home. (Danny gets a shocked look on her face) Just kiddin. Now I’m going to leave you two alone to discuss the state of Russia’s economy or whatever it is girls talk about at sleepovers these days. (She hands Danny a piece of paper) This is your life for the next three days. After that, you get a new sheet for every single day telling you where to go, when to eat and when to go to bed. Officially, it’s so you can concentrate on getting better, but what are the realistic chances that’s going to happen? After all, the goal of any institution is not to teach people how to function in society, but how to live in the institution.

(Yolanda exits.)

Allison: (Looking at Danny’s schedule) Let’s see, you have one on one in twenty minutes … with Thurber! Oh my gosh, they gave you the grand pooba. Richardson’s famous but Thurber is like, out of this world. He likes to start off with the photo albums, which is actually kind of difficult since he’s nearly blind as a bat. Yo, Danny, you with me? Hello. You got one on one with Thurber in twenty minutes. Hey, daddy’s girl, snap out of it. (Danny shoves Allison up against the dresser) OK, maybe I deserved that. (She shoves Danny against the wall. A picture frame containing a woodcut of The Lady Of The Lake falls and the glass shatters) Well, I’ve got honours Spanish. Remember, you go up one floor to room 405. Talk to Thurber. In fact, ask for the photo album straight off. If you can’t think of anything to say, just make something up. Got that?

(Danny nods. Allison exits.)

Danny: Well, I guess King Arthur’s never gonna go looking for the Holy Grail now.

Scene 4

James Thurber’s office. Danny enters.

Dr. Thurber: Come in, Danielle, sorry, Danny, come in. Welcome. Make yourself comfortable. (Thurber’s office is disorganized. Books, magazines, files, and fast food wrappers cover every surface) Sit, um, sit somewhere, preferably not on the fast food wrappers. Do you have any question about any aspect of being here?

Danny: Why do you have a picture of a giant tangereen in your office?

Dr. Thurber: What! I have a picture of a giant tangereen in my office? (Danny nods) That’s supposed to be a picture of my children. The other staff must have played a practical joke on me, again.

Danny: Speaking of pictures, could we take a look at the photo album?

Dr. Thurber: Of course. I believe that in certain circumstances, a patient’s family photos can help the patient find things they weren’t even looking for. Catch!

(He picks up the photo album and throws it at Danny. It lands in her lap, catching her by surprise. She begins to flip through it.)

Danny: Dr. Thurber, these appear to be photos of your family’s vacation to Florida.

Dr. Thurber: Shoot! Another practical joke. (Shrugs) Well, perhaps you could just tell me some repressed memories, perhaps some involving vacations or family outings.

Danny: When I was five we went to the Statue Of Liberty, to, sort of, climb up, you know.

Flashback …

The ferry. Mark, Sandra, Danny, and Kelly are standing on the ferry, headed toward the Statue Of Liberty.

Sandra Webster: I am enjoying this pleasant family time we are having together.

(Danny and Kelly nod.)

Mark Webster: Ah, the Statue Of Liberty, symbol of freedom, the sum total of everything that makes this country great.

Young Man: Yeah, built in 1883 by a French sculptor who was a free mason, the woman with the torch and the cup symbolizing an important aspect of Greek mythology.

Mark: Listen you punk, I don’t want to hear that kind of talk.

Young Man: I assure you it’s all true, sir.

Mark: I know it’s true but I don’t want to hear it.

(He pulls a kibab skewer out of his pocket and stabs the young man. The young man pulls a skewer out of his pocket and stabs back. They begin to fight.)

Present …

Dr. Thurber: Danny, Danny. (He walks over and takes Danny’s pulse) Normal. Where did you go?

Flashback …

Scene 5

The woods. Danny and Kelly are running through the woods and jumping over downed tree trunks. Danny jumps over three tree trunks and clears them.

Kelly: Warrior princesses.

Danny: Amazing Amazon.coms.

(Kelly trips over a tree trunk.)

Kelly: A dragon hath got me, yo. Please help me to vanquish it and stuff.

(Danny and Kelly fight a pitched battle with the tree trunk.)

Danny: We have vanquished the horrible dragon. We have done killed our foe deader’n a hammer.

Kelly: Am I not, like, totally stupendous, fellow warrior.

Danny: Yeah, you’re a miracle in motion all right.

Kelly: I can do anything, except most things because Daddy says I’m too stupid and clumsy.

Danny: Well, we must get back home or we shall be late for the recital tonight.

Scene 6

The auditorium. The Webster family is sitting in the front row with all the other families who have children performing in the recital.

Sandra Webster: I still don’t know if it was a good idea to insist Danny play tonight. The doctor did say she had that malignant brain tumour.

Mark: She’s just faking.

(Jessica Rupert finishes singing “Tennesie Waltz.”

Anncr: Next, Danielle Webster playing Beethoven’s “Fifth Symphony.”

(Danny gets up, walks onstage, sits down at the piano and begins to play. CCR bursts through the stage door and begins to play “Ramble Tamble.”)

John Fogerty: Thank you, St. Louis.

(Danny walks offstage. Her father punches her in the head.)

Present …

Scene 7

The conference room. The inmates of C ward are sitting around the table. Dr. Thurber and Eugenia Montclaire are standing at the front of the room.

Dr. Thurber: For our lecturer for this Career Day, I am honoured to present Ms. Eugenia Montclaire.

Eugenia Montclaire: Thank you. I run a photography equipment distribution company. Today, I intend to tell you exactly what is involved in running a photography equipment distribution company. Not that it really matters since you’re just a bunch of juvenile delinquent mental patients who don’t have a hope of even getting out of here much less amounting to anything.

Scene 8

Danny and Allison’s room. Danny and Allison are sitting on their beds.

Allison: Hey, Danny, I got a present for you.

Danny: Really?

(Allison opens a drawer, pulls something out and hands it to Danny.)

Allison: It’s a prescription pad. You just write whatever kind of drugs you want on their, take it to the pharmacist when we go out on errand’s night, and she’ll hook you up with whatever you want.

Danny: Oh, thank you, Allison. Some good times are in store for me!

Flashback …

Scene 9

The woods. Danny and Kelly are standing by a tree.

Kelly: Danny, can we do the purifying ritual at the stream?

Danny: No. We must get home straightway or they shall have our butts.

Kelly: Please. Please, Danny, with sugar and liver and broccoli on top!

Danny: OK. OK. Just a few minutes.

(They run through the woods.)

Kelly: It’s running. The stream’s still there. I can hear it.

Danny: Brilliant hearing. I guess that’s why you’re captain.

Kelly: Now all we have to do is walk across this patch of rusty nails.

(They begin walking across the nails.)

Together: Ow. Ow. Ow.

Danny: OK, let’s get ready to be purified.

(They wade into the stream and then wade back out.)

Kelly: I’m starving.

Danny: Me, too.

(They stretch out on the grass, lying perfectly back to back.)

Kelly: OK?

Danny: Perfect.

Kelly: What do we got?

Danny: One package of melting Maltezers. Also, three packages of Rainbow Skittles to be washed down by a family-size pack of liquid Snickers.

Kelly: I have apples, bread and cheese. Tell me about Yuris.

Danny: Not today.

Kelly: Please, please, please. We won’t be playing it tomorrow and we didn’t really play it today. I won’t ask for anything else.

Danny: OK, OK. Yuris is the personification of evil. His robe is like pearlised clouds, but also irradescent blue, because it is a different colour on either side. It is always misting around him, because of his hair spray, for he has the 80’s hair jelling thing happening still. Yuris floats, though he never leaves the ground. This is because of all the coffee in his system. And Yuris has no hair anywhere on his body.

Kelly: I know just exactly what you mean, like a Chinese person.

Danny: Yes, exactly. Let’s eat.

Kelly: Good idea.

(They try to eat but can’t open their mouths.)

Present …

Scene 10

The TV room. Danny, Allison and Kevin are watching TV.

Allison: So, what’s this movie that’s coming up called?

Danny: It’s called The Choppers. It stars Art Hall Jr. and Mary Anne Gayba.

Allison: You make it sound so exciting.

Danny: It is. (Gets really excited) A one million dollar a year racket. He first stole a peanut butter sandwich when he was six years old. Now he’ll steal anything he can carry or load on a truck. (Sirens are heard on the TV) Ohhh, here come the sirens. Run, Art, baby. Run.

Scene 11

The conference room. Dr. Thurber is at the front of the room. Danny, Allison, Kevin, Jared, Bobby, Janice, and the others are sitting around the table, silently.

Dr. Thurber: So, does anyone have any insights at all today?

Danny: I do. I do.

Dr.  Thurber: Good, Danny. Go ahead and share them.

Danny: Well, the game was a means of disassociation. Suraya is the personification of good, representing Kelly. Yuris represents me. I feel I am bad because I could never please Daddy. Also, I just remember Kelly actually died in a traffic accident the night after we played the game for the last time, and I feel responsible because Mom and I went in a separate car, and I feel like if I could have been with her I could have protected her or at least went with her.

(She bursts out crying.)

Bobby: Um, Doc, I hate to cut this short but Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy are on in a couple minutes.

Dr. Thurber: Right. You are dismissed.

Scene 12

The TV room. Bobby and some other patients are watching TV.

Pat Sajack: Ok, any time you’re ready … you can pick your first letter.

Contestant: I don’t know. I can’t decide which letter to choose.

Pat Sajack: Oh for goodness sake, lady, find out the ten most common consonants in the English language and keep picking them. When you get the chance to buy a vowel, buy the letter e. That applies to most of the puzzles we’ve had on here in the past twenty years. ****!

(Jeopardy comes on.)

Alex Trebek: And we have to take a commercial break. Halfway through the Jeopardy round, John is at minus 200, Susan is at minus 500 and Vanessa is at minus 1000. We’ll be back after this.

Scene 13

Outside the infirmary. Allison is pacing up and down the hall. Yolanda is standing just outside the door to the infirmary.

A.H.M.: Yolanda, can’t you do something?

Yolanda: Best for her just to let it all out.

Allison: But this is nuts, even for someone who’s nuts.

Yolanda: Now baby girl, just think of it. She ain’t cried since she was four years old. All that abuse. All that pent-up emotion.

Allison: Anyway, Jared, Kevin and I are gonna walk out the front door and start a new life. Look the other way, OK?

Yolanda: Sure thing.

(A nurse walks by and enters the infirmary. Danny is lying on the bed furthest from the door. Sandra Webster is sitting in a chair, staring at Danny intently.)

Nurse: You want liquid pizza?

(Danny gulps it down.)

Danny: All better now.

Sandra: Oh sweetheart, wonderful. I’ve brought you some of your favourite dishes from when you were a child: pizza, cheese fries and fake Jell-O. I used to give them to you after your father would abuse you.

(Danny goes into a coma.)

Closing credits.

Based on “The Game” by Teresa Toten.