PARODY TIME-BREATH OF THE SERPENT

BREATH OF THE SERPENT

Scene 1

Open on a lake. The lake is pristeen under a blue sky. A ten year old boy and teenage girl cast off from shore and start across the lake. While they are paddling across the lake, a storm blows up. It is the worst storm ever.

Ian: Oh, no. We’re gonna die. We’d better go back to shore.

Christianna: We’ll be fine. We’re nearly at the point. In fact, we’re on the veranda of the house now.

Ian: We aren’t across the lake. The storm has carried us to the flooded veranda of the house.

(The storm intensifies. The entire city of Vancouver flies past them.)

Christianna: Ooh, it’s getting windy.

Ian: Let’s go home

(The city of Sao Paulo, Brazil flies by.)

Christianna: We’re going home now. Oh well, at least it’s a great way to start a picture.

(They start paddling back home. Their dock has blown away, so they paddle toward the public pier. A sign on the pier reads NO DOING ANYTHING ON THIS PIER.)

Christianna: OK, Ian, climb up on the pier and hand me the rope. Climb slowly and carefully. The steps will be slippery.

(Ian scrambles up the steps, falls into the water and goes under the surface. He resurfaces and starts to go under again. The city of Rome flies by and he catches it at the last second.)

Christianna: Holy moly, this picture’s getting even better.

(They scramble up onto the pier and stumble up the path to their cottage.)

Christianna: (Drunkenly) I new it was a bad idea for the town to put beer in the water supply. Is this our cottage?

(Christianna and Ian enter. Suddenly, they hear a siren. Christianna and Ian’s mom is seen dragging their father into the living room from the utility room. Two paramedics burst in.)

Paramedic 1: We got a 911 report at this address.

Christianna and Ian’s Mom: Yes, he’s having chest pains.

Paramedic 1: OK, let’s get the stretcher in here.

Paramedic 2: Sir, how are you feeling?

Christianna And Ian’s Father: I think … this is … the end.

Christianna: Daddy, if you see a light, go away from it.

Mom: Yes, sweetheart, go away from it. Go away from the light, darn it.

Scene 2

Coltraine’s  general store. Christianna and Ian enter.

Christianna: (To general store owner) I need to use the phone.

General Store Owner: Right this way.

(Christianna and the general store owner go into a room in the back. A ham radio sits on the table. Christianna picks up the mouthpiece.)

Christianna: VE4THC VE4THC calling VE4HBC.

Mom: VE4HBC. Your dad is doing better but he has to stay in the hospital for observation. Ian is to come home on the 4:30 bus. You can stay up at the cottage. Ted Brighton will be up there soon, anyway.

Christianna: VE4THC. Yeah, I don’t think there’ll be any problem with me, a 16 year old girl up at the cottage alone with a guy just finished his first year of university next door who’ll probably bring up his buddies to get drunk and high.

Scene 3

The cottage. Christianna is lying on the couch. Ted Brighton’s car pulls up next door. Christianna goes out to meet him. Trish and Terah are standing beside his car.

Trish And terah: Could you give us a ride sometime?

Christianna: Could I help you unpack your stuff?

Ted: Sure. You can take this big one. Be careful because it’s an old suitcase and the lock’s broken.

(Christianna picks up the suitcase and starts to carry it toward the Brighton’s cottage. The suitcase flies open. Marijuana, bricks of cocaine, needles, containers of nerve gas, anthrax and bochalim toxin as well as a suitcase nuke fall out.)

Christianna: I’m sorry. Let me help you pick this stuff up.

Scene 4

The beach. Ted, Christianna, Trish, Terah, and the other kids are arriving with food, an 8 track player, blankets, and coolers. Christianna and Trish spread blankets on the ground and sit down.

Christianna: This place is like magic.

Ted: Yeah, it sure is.

Christianna: Would you like help with the food?

Ted: Sure. (Christianna goes to the cooler and looks at the food. Then she goes back to the blanket. Ted comes over with a glass of wine.) Here, Christianna, it’s a party after all.

Christianna: Thank you.

(Ted goes over to the 8 track player and puts in an 8 track. A remixed version of April Wine’s “Sign Of The Gypsy Queen” plays. Ted goes back over to the blankets.)

Ted: Well, how’s the wine?

Christianna: Really good.

Ted: Well, why don’t you mingle a bit.

(Ted goes back over to the coolers.)

Christianna: (To Trish and Terah) I’m kind of nervous about being out here. Ian nearly drowned out here last night. It was scary. I mean, it was calm as a mill pond when we set out but within fifteen minutes this kind of bad storm blew up.

Trish: Oh.

(Ted comes back over and sits down next to Christianna.)

Ted: You know, you are like a beautiful butterfly.

Christianna: Ah, Ted.

Ted: No, it’s true. (Turning to the other kids) Hey, who thinks that Christianna is a beautiful butterfly?

Kid: OK, Ted, you’re cut off. How many beers have you had tonight? No more.

Christianna: Hey, everybody, let’s go for a swim.

Jade: Hang on a second. (Jade comes onto the beach in her bikeeni. She and Christianna jump into the water and swim out to the breakwater. Christianna climbs up onto the breakwater and starts massaging her feet. Jade joins her.) Do you have trouble with your feet, too?

Christianna: Not usually.

Jade: I do.

Christianna: What’s your name?

Jade: Jade Shesheshka. I’m Ukrainian.

Christianna: Nice to meet you, Jade.

Jade: Thank you. I have a lot of trouble with my feet. I’m a clog dancer. Look.

(Jade shows Christianna her feet.)

Christianna: Ew … that is an ugly foot.

(Jade and Christianna sit there for a while. They pull boxes of wine from their pockets and start drinking out of them.)

Jade: (Slurred) I should start heading back. I gotta meet my brother at Coltraine’s at 11:30.

Christianna: (Whining and slurred) But I don’t wanna swim back.

Jade: Come on. One … two … three. Oh, OK, this time we really have to do it. One … two … three. Oh, you suck. OK, one … two … three.

(They push each other into the water. They surface and swim back to shore. Ted walks up to them and hands each a cup of wine.)

Ted: Here. This’ll warm you up.

Christianna: Thank you.

(The party continues. A wiener roast is started by a couple of drunk guys.)

Drunk Guy: Is this a wiener roast?

…

Kid: Save endangered mosquitos.

(He is thrown in the lake with all his clothes on.)

…

Kid: Band of brothers,

None were any bolder,

Head held high,

High above my shoulder,

The fiery blast,

The fiery bla-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-ast … ****. (He starts beating up a rock.) Piece of garbage.

…

Kid: (To his black girlfriend whom he is dancing with) Now I like sugar,

And I like tea,

But I don’t like niggers,

No siree.

That’s a hog eatin’ slop,

And a big black spook.

You know it,

‘cause I show it,

Like a barnyard rooster,

I crow it.

And the NAACP,

Would sure like to get it’s hands on nigger-hatin’ me.

Nigger-hatin’ me.

Nigger-hatin’ me.

(Suddenly a storm blows up.)

Ted: Quick, everybody, grab up everything. We’re moving to the Anderson’s house.

Christianna: Right on.

Scene 5

Louis Anderson’s house. Drunk kids are having a party in his living room.

Louis Anderson: Come on, kids, get out of my house.

Scene 6

Hans Christian Andersen’s house. A calendar on the wall says 1875. Drunk kids are partying in his house.

Hans Christian Andersen: Yah, right on. (He snorts a huge amount of cocaine) I am truly the snow queen.

Scene 7

The cottage. Christianna wakes up on the couch. She has slept in her clothes.

Christianna: Oh, I feel so awful, like a piece of driftwood washed up onshore. My head hurts so much. (She gets up off the couch and looks around) This place is a mess. Serviettes and paper plates all over the place. Glasses of beer and wine all over the place. I’ve got to clean this place up. Well, I’ll start with the beer and wine. (She proceeds to drink all the half-empty glasses of beer and wine.) There, well, the party can begin. (She goes over to the CD player and puts on an Ian Dury CD. Reasons To Be Cheerful starts to play. Christianna begins dancing around to it.) Oh yeah. You know what would make this party even better? Some pain killers. (She goes into the bathroom, grabs a handful of pills from different bottles and swallows them.) I’m drivin’ to Vancouver. (She passes out)

Scene 8

The cottage. Christianna wakes up on the couch in her clothes. She hears Miles’ car pull up.

Christianna: Oh, shoot. (She goes out to meet Miles) Hi Miles. How are you? Let me take your suitcase. (She lifts a suitcase out of the trunk and staggers under the weight.) Miles, there’s plenty of rocks right here. You didn’t have to bring more. … You’ve got books in here, haven’t you!

Miles: Well, my thesis on Buffy The Vampire Slayer is due October 1^st. I think I’ll go check out how high the lake is this year. (He goes down to the beach and returns very shortly) Hey, it looks like someone had a really wild party down there.

Christianna: There was a party on the beach last night. Then it started to rain and Ted Brighton said everybody could come to our cottage. I got drunk on his Grandpa’s homemade blueberry wine and passed out. I woke up this morning with a horrible hangover and the place was a mess, even though Ted _said he’d clean it up. They must have continued partying on the beach. I tried to clean up the cottage this morning. I started with the beer and wine and then I passed out and woke up when you arrived.

Miles: Relax, kiddo, I’ve heard of people having parties before.

Christianna: Promise you won’t tell Mom and Dad.

Miles: I swear on half the cast of Angel’s graves.

Christianna: Will you also help me clean up the beach?

Miles: Yes. It’s got to be done, I suppose. (They walk down to the beach) Well, I guess the easiest thing to do is start with all this beer and wine.

Christianna: Agreed.

Miles: Then let’s give ‘er. (They proceed to finish all the half-empty glasses of beer and wine) We’re driving to town.

(They get in Miles car and drive drunkenly into town. They stop at Coltraine’s general store and enter.)

Christianna: Phone, now.

General Store Owner: Right this way.

(They go into the back. Christianna picks up the mouthpiece of the ham radio.)

Christianna: VE4THC, VE4THC, CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ CQ.

Alberto: VE4THC this is S53, Alberto from Spain. How are you today?

Christianna: VE4THC, do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Alberto: S53, yes I do.

Christianna: VE4THC, then you’d better let him out.

(Miles and Christianna turn the ham radio off and then burst out laughing for three minutes)

Scene 9

The tennis court. Ted and Kathie are playing tennis. Christianna is watching from the sidelines. Ted jumps over the net.

Christianna: John Mcinro has ruined a generation of tennis players.

Kathie: Well, Ted, next time I’m gonna whip your butt.

Ted: Well, I’d rather whip your butt in tennis again. I’d like to beat you black and blue and break a few bones, cause the blood to pour right out of you.

Kathie: Oh, Ted, you big tease.

Scene 10

The cottage. A knock is heard at the door. Christianna answers it. Ted is standing on the porch.

Ted: Hey, Christianna, wanna have some more of Pop’s homemade blueberry wine?

Christianna: Sure.

(They go next door to the Brighton’s cottage, sit on the porch and start drinking the wine.)

Ted: Hey, let’s go inside and watch this tape I hav of the fourth of July.

Christianna: Sure.

(They go inside. Ted inserts a video tape into the VCR. A fourth of July celebration comes onscreen with a band playing the national anthem.)

Ted: I wish I were

An Oscar Mayer wiener.

That is what I

Truly want to be.

Because if I were

An Oscar Mayer wiener

Everyone would be

In love with me.

My baloney has a first name

(He starts crying at this point)

It’s O S A M A,

My baloney has a second name

It’s B E N L A D E N.

H O M E R E E,

That’s the only thing I eat.

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Scene 11

Christianna’s bedroom. Miles enters.

Miles: Come on, get up. You can’t sleep your life away. (He starts shaking Christianna awake.) Come on, get up.

Christianna: Ohhhhhhhhhh.

Miles: Time for breakfast. (He wraps Christianna up in the blanket, carries her into the kitchen and sits her down at the table) Today we got the Daddy Anderson special, just to give the whole thing a cheesy, U.S. restaurant chain feel. We got bacon, fried eggs, sausage, fried potatoes, and ham, and to drink, seal juice.

Christianna: Shut up.

Miles: Come on. Eat it up.

Christianna: Nooooooo.

Miles: (Setting the plate and cup down before her) Enjoy your meal. Bone apetite.

Christianna: Ohhhhhhh.

Miles: Well, you can come back to it later when the fat is all congealed. Perhaps now you’d like to watch TV. (He picks her up and caries her into the living room) Here, let’s see what’s on TV. (A fourth of July celebration comes on. Miles heads back into the kitchen) I’m going back into the kitchen.

Christianna: Uuuuuuuuuoooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Scene 12

The Point. Christianna, Ted and the other kids enter an old, condemned house and sit down on the floor of what once was the front room.

Ted: So, let’s tell ghost stories.

The Chief: Yeah, let’s hear some real scary ones.

Trish: I’ll start. Well, I was walking home from school one day. Suddenly, I felt this ghostly presence behind me. I turned around and I got split by a banana.

Ted: Well, let’s go upstairs, drink and get stoned. (They proceed upstairs. Ted takes Christianna into one of the bedrooms.) Well, here we are, just the two of us. Isn’t this nice. (A noise is heard downstairs. A group of kids comes running up the stairs.) Oh no, the party has been crashed.

Kid: I’ve got some pot here.

Ted: I’ll take that.

(They all start smoking pot. After a while, Christianna gets up and leaves the house. She starts walking down the beach. A figure appears.)

Christianna: Oh no, it’s a banana. Um, banana.

Miles: The eensy-weensy spider,

Went up the water spout,

Out came the sun,

And dried up all the spout.

Christianna: Oh, Miles, it’s you. You’re drunk

Miles: Hey, I’m of age.

Christianna: Well, let’s go home.

(They walk home, singing “The Eensy Weensy Spider.” When they arrive at the cottage, their Mom and Dad are standing in the doorway.)

Christianna And Miles: Ahhhhh, bananas.

(They proceed to fend off their parents.)

Mom: One of you is going to have to drive to the hospital. Your father is having another heart attack.

Miles: Well, I can’t drive. I’m too drunk.

Christianna: I’ll drive.

Miles: Shouldn’t someone wake up Ian?

Mom: No time.

(Christianna gets in the car and starts staring at the buttons on the radio.)

Christianna: Cool.

Miles: Here. Drink this bottle of Grandpa Pete’s homemade blueberry wine.

(Christianna drinks the wine, turns the car on and speeds off. Miles makes ambulance noises out the right front window)

Scene 13

The hospital parking lot. Christianna’s father is dying. Ted jumps out from behind a planter and rittles Christianna with bullets from a machine gun.

Christianna: Hey, let’s make homemade nachos.

Closing credits.

Based on “Breath of the Dragon” by Diane Juttner Perreault.

SEVERAL MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

1050 CHUM Toronto with Greg Lee and "Solid Gold Sunday." Commercial for Canada's Wonderland and mentions of CHUM card.

98.3 CFLY-FM Kingston with Neil Kirby hosting "Hits of the Sixties." Then the tape broke.

98.3 CFLY-FM Kingston Neil Kirby giving time as 2:23 and weather forecast.

98.3 CFLY-FM Kingston with unid. female anncr hosting "Nightcap", that night with a theme of country crossovers. On the other side of the tape, Don Robinson and "All That Jazz", then into adult contemporary music.

101.5 CKWF-FM Peterborough July 1, 1993 with Dave Morgan backselling songs and giving weather forecast.

RADIO-RELATED STUFF

Was picking up stations from North Carolina a couple weeks ago.

Picked up CHFI Friday night with "The John Tesh Show."

Picked up WKSE Buffalo Friday night with "Club Kiss."

Picked up 102.1 The Edge with alternative rock and ID.

See WBCQ has changed their sign-off, adding music and reverb.

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

96.3 CFMK-FM Kingston September 12, 1988 with "Live at Gilly's" featuring Randy Travis, Randy Travis song after end of program and into update from Broadcast News. During concert, commercial for Grenada home electronics lottery, psa for USC Canada and promo for CFMK's Saturday night lineup, "The Catalog Parlour" with Howard Bonner, Canadian country music program with Audrey North, "Backstage at the Opry", and "The Grand Ole Opry."

106.1 CHEZ-FM Ottawa March 5, 1988 with "The CHEZ Album Countdown" hosted by unidentified female anncr, commercials for Consumers Distributing and Southbank Dodge, later Tim Horton's and a chatline, then concert listing, featuring phone number you could call if you wanted to hear the list again.

PARODY TIME-PORCUPINE

PORCUPINE

Scene 1

Jacklyn’s room. Jacklyn is sitting on her windowsill with her legs out the window on the roof. Jacklyn’s mom enters.

Fran: Jacklyn, get down from there. You’re going to fall.

Jacklyn: Mom, I’ve told you this before. I won’t fall.

Fran: That roof is awfully steep.

Jacklyn: Yeah, but it’s rough, like a cat’s tongue. See, I can’t fall.

(Jacklyn inches further out the window and proceeds to climb down the roof. She closes her eyes and starts dancing around. She slips off the roof, falls and breaks her neck.)

Scene 2

The living room. Jacklyn enters. Simon is sitting on the floor constructing a medieval castle out of lego. Dad is sitting on the couch, drinking coffee out of a Tim Horton’s mug and watching hockey highlights.

Bob: Hi Jack.

(He musses up her hair.)

Jacklyn: Hi, Dad.

Bob: I love Tim Horton’s coffee. It’s the best coffee in the world. (He dips a serving spoon into a bowl of sugar on the coffee table, dumps it in his coffee and stirs it around. He then takes a sip.) Ahhhh, now it’s just perfect.

(Tessa enters. Her hair has a French braid and a ribbon in it.)

Tessa: Hey, Jacklyn, look at me. I have a French braid and a ribbon in my hair because I’m a girl and I can.

Jacklyn: Ooo, don’t you think that’s a little fancy for hanging around the house?

Tessa: I’m going into town. Mom’s taking me to the beauty parlour to get touchups, highlights.

Jacklyn: I know what highlights are.

Tessa: No you don’t.

Jacklyn: Yes I do. I’m not stupid. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know. I was born two days ago.

Tessa: You’re just jealous because I’m going into town.

Jacklyn: I don’t care.

Tessa: And Mom’s going to buy me new shoes, party shoes, and maybe even a new dress to match, because she’s a woman and she can.

Jacklyn: So?

Bob: Fran, what’s this about you getting Tessa new shoes and a dress? You just bought her new shoes two weeks ago. What does she need another pair for?

Fran: (From the kitchen) Those were black party shoes to go with her black dresses. Now she needs red party shoes to go with her red party dress because she’s a girl and she can. Besides, she’s outgrown her other party shoes and Brenda’s party is tomorrow.

Jacklyn: I wear my runners to parties. What’s the big deal?

Tessa: That’s because all your parties involve going into the woods and drinking and smoking pot.

Jacklyn: Shut up.

(She kicks Tessa’s shin.)

Tessa: (Jumping around the room on one leg) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Now I’m being all dramatic about getting kicked in the shin because I’m a girl and I can.

Bob: Fran, at least take Simon with you. He needs new shoes. His old ones are worn and falling apart.

Tessa: Why do you have to go and ruin my fun, spoil my mother-daughter day. Of course I have a lot of mother-daughter days because Mom likes me best, but that’s beside the point. Now I’m going to be all dramatic about it because I’m a girl and I can.

(She stomps out of the house, slamming the door. Fran and Simon exit.)

Bob: (To Jacklyn) Hey, what do you say we finish watching hockey highlights and then go work on that tire swing.

Jacklyn: Cool. But don’t you think we should take the tire off the car first?

Bob: No.

Hockey highlights …

Darren Subtraction: Hi, I’m Darren Subtraction and welcome back to Sports Centre. Joining me is the centre forward for the Key West Living Creatures, Henrich Blogojovich. Welcome to Sports Centre, Henrich.

Henrich Blogojovich: (Mechanically) Welcome to Sports Centre, Darren. (Laughs) Little joke.

Darren Subtraction: So, Henrich, you’ve just started playing in the NHL. What do you think of North America so far?

Henrich: Good. Good.

Darren Subtraction: How have you found Canadian and American hockey players compare to eastern-European hockey players?

Henrich: Bad. Bad.

Darren Subtraction: (Getting angry) You mean to honestly say that Eastern-European players are better than Canadian (and the few American) hockey players with our strong hockey culture and all our sophisticated equipment?

Henrich: Good. Good.

Darren Subtraction: How much English do you actually know?

Henrich: Good, bad, hot dog, want to participate in some insider stock trading.

Darren Subtraction: Well, that concludes this half hour of Sports Centre. Stay tuned for the next half hour where we’ll be showing the same sports highlights we’ve been showing all morning in the same order. Oh, screw it. Mike, just turn off the transmitter until noon.

Scene 3

The front steps. Big Mike’s car is in the driveway. Bob stands in front of Fran and the children with a suitcase in his hand.

Bob: Well, I’ve got to go now. Fran, be the loving mother you’ve always been while I’m away.

Fran: I will.

Bob: Jack, take care of your sister and brother for me.

Jacklyn: I will.

Bob: No, I really mean that. You’re mother’s an idiot and I don’t think she’ll be able to handle things. (Bob pulls a CD out of his pocket) Tessa?

Tessa: Yes, Daddy.

Bob: Here.

Tessa: Oh, your best of Clay Aiken CD.

Bob: Yes, take care of it for me while I’m away. I won’t need it while I’m on the savannas of Afghanistan. (He huggs Simon) I love you, son.

Simon: Daddy, will you be away forever?

Bob: No. We’ll all be back here in a few months. All we’re trying to do is completely defeat terrorism and wipe every terrorist off the face of the earth. How hard can that be? We’ll thump ‘em.

Jacklyn: Dad, what if you get killed?

Bob: Don’t worry, Jack. No one ever gets killed in Afghanistan because our mission is designated a peacekeeping mission, not a war like in Iraq. If it were called a war, then yeah, I’d probably for sure get killed, but it’s called a peacekeeping mission so what we’ll probably end up doing is just pass out roses for the Afghanistanis to eat and we’ll all come back safe and sound.

(Big Mike honks the horn. )

Big Mike: Hey, Bob, get your butt in here.

Bob: Well, that’s my ride. Bye everybody.

(He gets in the car and it drives away.)

Fran: Well, kids, let’s go to A And W.

Scene 4

The A And W. Fran and the kids enter.

Cashier: Hey there. We got burgers fresh from under the sun-lamp and root beer freshly drained from the old Pontiac out back.

Fran: Four Distant Cousin Burgers, four small fries and four root beers, please.

(The cashier grabs the food from under the sun-lamp and brings it to a table. Fran and the kids start to eat.)

Jacklyn: Get me some water, please.

Scene 5

School. Jacklyn is sitting at her desk with a worksheet in front of her. Miss Harris is standing at the front of the class.

Miss Harris: OK, get started on your math problems.

Jacklyn: (Reads) Billy has one apple. His neighbour, Mr. Ibrahimiam gives him another one. How many does he have?

Duh.

(Suddenly, she clutches her head, screams and falls under the desk.)

Miss Harris: ****. What is it, Jacklyn?

Jacklyn: (Getting up) Really, I’m fine.

Miss Harris: You better go down to the nurses office. You’ve already wasted fifteen seconds of our academic time. We can’t risk you falling again and wasting more.

Scene 6

The living room. Tessa and Simon are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Jacklyn enters.

Jacklyn: Who wants Lucky Charms?

Tessa: Sure.

Simon: Yeah, please.

(Jacklyn goes into the kitchen and gets the box of Lucky Charms. The box reads, “NEW LUCKY CHARMS Since we already put marshmallows in it, we’ve decided to get rid of the cereal part and add Jolly Ranchers and Sour Patch Kids instead.” Jacklyn pours three bowls, pours milk on them and takes them out to the living room.)

Scene 7

The study. Fran turns on the computer and opens her email.

Bruce Marshall: (From inside the wall) You’ve got mail.

(Fran opens the message. It reads “Yo babe,

Ive dicided to join the terrorists goodby

Bob

Ps tell the kids I got killed.

Scene 8

The house. A knock is heard at the door. Fran answers it. Three kids are standing on the front steps in Haloween costumes.

Kid: Trick or treat.

Fran: We aren’t giving away candy this year. Our family’s going through a bit of a rough time.

(Fran shuts the door.)

Later…

(The kids break down the door. The lead kid enters ahead of the others, brandishing a Super Soaker.)

Kid: Look, lady, you got three choices. Eether give us candy, give us your money, or your whole family gets it.

Fran: (Frightened) Here, let me go get some money. (She leaves the room and returns with a whole game’s worth of monopoly money) Here you go.

Kid: Thanks, lady.

(He sprays the room with the Super Soaker.)

Scene 9

The street corner. The kids approach Fingers, the candy dealer.

Kid: Yo, Fingers, we got a whole game worth of monopoly money. Give us the best you got.

Fingers: I hook you up. (He fills several paper bags with candy.) Now where de money at?

Kid: Chill. Here the money.

(He hands over the money and the kids leave.)

Scene 10

A dance club. The kids are dancing and popping candy into their mouths.

DJ Tiger: All right. We gonna kick it up old school.

(“Move It” by Technotronic comes on.)

Kid: (Screams) Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I love this song. (Pops more candy into his mouth and walks up to a girl and starts to dance with her) Hey baby. Wanna dance? (They dance) Ohhh, your shirt is so soft. (Touches the collar of her shirt)

Later …

(The kids and the girls exit the club into the noonday sun.)

Kid: Wow, that was fun. Let’s go back to my place for some virgin bloody Marys. We can discuss the philosophy and ideas of Judy Blume and Dr. Seus.

Girl: Oh, that’d be so awesome.

Scene 11

The principal’s office. Jacklyn, Tessa and Simon enter.

Miss Spingle: You can go right on in, kids.

(They go into the inner office. Miss Campbell, the principal, is standing there beside Fran. Simon runs to Fran and throws his arms around her.

Jacklyn: Why are you here?

Fran: I need you kids to go get your things, coats and backpacks and stuff. We’re going on a little trip. A family emergency has come up. Your great-grandmother needs us.

Tessa: Who? Who? What? Where are we going?

Fran: To see your great-grandmother, sweetheart. The one in Alberta.

Jacklyn: Alberta? Alberta? Isn’t that on the other side of Canada?

Simon: Yes, it is. It’s right next to Saskatchewan. The only other province farther away is British Columbia. (Sings) Oh, the provinces of Canada are fun to remember,

Fun to remember,

Fun to remember.

The provinces of Canada are fun to remember,

So say them,

Say them with me.

Newfoundland and PEI

Nova Scotia and New Brunswick,

Quebec, Ontario,

From there you’ll see,

Manitoba, Saskatchewan,

Alberta, B.C.

Fran: Look, since your Dad j--- got killed, I’ve completely fallen apart, so you’re going to live with your great-grandmother in Alberta until or if I get things back together.

Simon: But that’ll suck. (Pouts) Why did Daddy have to go to Afghanistan anyway?

Fran: To fight for freedom.

Tessa: What’s freedom?

Fran: Well, birthday cake, that’s freedom. (The kids look unconvinced) Or, virgin Bloody Marys. You like virgin bloody Marys, don’t you?

Simon: Uh huh.

Fran: Well, everytime you drink a virgin bloody Mary, that’s freedom. (The kids still look unconvinced) And rainbows, rainbows are freedom.

Scene 12

A pawn shop. Fran and the kids enter and walk to the counter.

Fran: Now, look hungry so I’ll get a better price. (She slips her engagement ring and wedding ring off her finger. She then takes off her gold earrings.) How much for these?

Pawn Shop Owner: I’ll give you five bucks for ‘em.

Fran: OK.

Jacklyn: Mom, no. That guy’s ripping you off. That engagement ring’s worth twelve hundred dollars alone. I know. I saw the receipt. The wedding ring and those gold earrings have to be worth somewhere around there, too, give or take a few hundred dollars.

Pawn Shop Owner: Five bucks. Take it or leave it.

Fran: Sold.

Oliver Russell: This family could have gotten a lot more for their jewelery if they had come into my store. Hi, I’m Oliver Russell. If you bring me your jewelery, I’ll give you cash! Loads and loads of cash!!! I’ll take your rings, earrings, necklaces, brooches, watches, even your gold fillings, and I’ll give you caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash. Here, listen to this unsolicited testimony from an actual sock puppet. (Pulls a sock puppet out of his pocket and puts it on his hand) I wen’ ‘own oo Oiver uffe’s for, kave him my hillins, a’ he kave me ‘ash. (Puts the sock puppet away) So come down to my store to trade in your jewelery. I’m Cash Dude!

(He runs across the studio and falls through a plate glass window.)

Scene 13

A radio station. The announcer is sitting in the studio at the board.

Anncr: And that was another generic adult contemporary song on Q92, your generic adult contemporary radio station in a generic Ontario town. Now time to take a look at the roads, and I should mention that before we take a look at the traffic, due to these tough economic times, we’ve had to rent out our traffic copter for booze cruises. Now over to Deenie Peddy with her eye on the road.

(Shift to the traffic copter. Deenie Peddy is at the controls. Behind her, there are people in various states of intoxication. Dixiland jazz music can be heard in the background.)

Deenie Peddy: I have my eye on you, too. You better not steal my lemon pie out of the fridge, jerkwad. (Laughs uncontrollably) No, I kid. So, yo, it’s lookin just fine on the major roads around town. Taking a look at the 401, it’s a nightmare as usual. Stupid Ontario government. You’d think they could find a way to accommodate all these cars. I pay enough ****ing tax … anywho, one thing about it is there’s a stalled car in the middle of the highway with flames shooting out de hood. Hey, people, here’s something to help you fix your car. (She tosses an empty bottle of Malaboo out of the helicopter) Back to you, jerkface.

(Shift to on the ground. Fran and the kids are standing near their car, which is about to blow up. Fran is hysterical. Jacklyn takes a jug of water from the front seat and pours it on the flames. The fire goes out.)

Fran: Thank goodness. (She gets into the front seat, puts the key in the ignition and tries to start the car. Nothing happens) Oh, how are we ever going to fix the car and get to Alberta? (She gets hysterical again. People behind them start honking there horns. The engine starts to turn over. The kids get back in the car. As people keep honking their horns, the car roars to life and starts moving faster and faster.) Horray.

Scene 14

Great-grandma’s house. Fran and the kids walk up the front steps and knock on the door. No one answers. Fran knocks again. No one answers.

Fran: Darn. Let’s go in anyway.

(They enter the house. Great-grandmother appears.)

Great-grandmother: Well, Fran, you got a lot of nerve. Cut yourself off from us for twelve years. Only two letters in that time, and those to say you needed money. That good-for-nothing Bob leave you? I bet he’s here, isn’t he? (Turns toward the bathroom) Bob, come out of there and show yourself, you good-for-nothing bum of a coward.

Fran: Grandma, Bob’s not here. He joined th--- got killed in Afghanistan.

Great-grandmother: (Looking confused) Bob, are you here? Bob. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooob. Come out you low-life, cowardly idiot. First, let me say this. Bein an idiot is no box of chocolates.

Fran: Quick, kids, get your stuff up to my old bedroom while she’s confused. Second door on the left.

Great-grandmother: They’d worked it out so’s I had three homeroom classes, where you just sat around and did whatever you wanted.

Scene 15

The kitchen of great-grandmother’s house. Fran and great-grandmother are sitting at the kitchen table drinking lemonade. Jacklyn comes down the stairs, carrying a box of photographs. The other kids follow her.

Jacklyn: Look, Mom, I found these pictures of you, at some kind of beauty pageant or something.

(She shows Fran the photographs.)

Fran: Ah, yes, this is when I was in the Wheatonville beauty pageant, representing Grandpa’s car dealership. (Laughs) Look at me, sitting on that car, looking pretty as a picture. I woulda won, too, but that faggot Perez Hilton asked me what I thought of same sex marriage. I told him I thought it was wrong and he called me a dumb bitch and disqualified me from the pageant. (Gets up from the table) Well, Grandma, kids, I’m leaving you here. Goodbye.

(She exits.)

Scene 16

School. Mr. Holman is standing in front of the class.

Mr. Holman: OK, today we’re going to look at Oilers formula. (The kids cheer) Actually, it’s not called Oilers formula. The board just figured that naming it after the Edmonton Oilers was the only way to reach you little idiots. Anyway, Oilers formula says that the number of faces minus the number of edges equals the number of vertices, or something. I want you to test this theory out. I have bags of marshmallows and bags of toothpicks up here. Walk your lazy butts up here, get some and build a geometric shape.

(The kids walk up to the front, collect the marshmallows and toothpicks, go back to their desks, and start throwing marshmallows and stabbing each other with toothpicks. )

Jacklyn: What are you guys going to do when you run out of marshmallows and you have nothing to construct your pyramids with?

Kid: It’s like the oil money. We’ll use it up now, then when it’s gone we’ll worry about it then.

(Jacklyn dutifully constructs her pyramid. She then stares out the window and sees a bunch of kids throwing mud balls at another kid. She brings her pyramid up to Mr. Holman.)

Jacklyn: Here’s my assignment. I gotta go deal with this.

(She goes out to the playground and walks up to the group of kids. Simon is the one being beaten up.)

Jacklyn: Hey, what’s going on here. You’re beating up my little brother.

Richie Fitcher: Hey, kid, what’s your name, anyway?

Simon: Simon.

Richie: Well, Simon, you’re not from around here, are you?

Simon: No.

Richie: I bet you’re from some socialist province like Ontario. I bet you’re a socialist. Are you a socialist, Simon? I bet you voted for Dolton McGhinty. Did you vote for Dolton McGhinty, Simon? In fact, I bet you’re a card-carrying member of the NDP. Yeah, you support all those socialist policies, like … the kinds of policies the socialist leaders in Ontario have. Show me your NDP card, right now.

(Jacklyn punches Richie Fitcher in the nose. Then she starts beating up the other boys.)

Scene 17

The principal’s office. Jim, the schoolyard monitor, Jacklyn and the principal are standing in the office.

Principal: Didn’t you try to stop those boys from beating that boy up?

Jim: Well, I saw them start beating him up, but I decided since he wasn’t from around here it was OK.

Principal: Good man. You’re dismissed. (Jim exits. The principal turns to Jacklyn) You … you … you beat up those boys. Did you ever stop to consider their feelings? Did you ever stop to consider how they would like being  beaten up? They were just going about their business, beating up an innocent boy, when you had to interfere with their right to be who they are. Don’t you know you should be respectfull of people? You should respect a black persons right to be black, you should respect a disabled person’s right to be disabled and you should respect a bully’s right to be a bully. You must always be respectful, considerate and understanding of other people. We have a zero tolerance policy at this school, so I’m giving you a three-day suspension. I don’t care if you don’t like it.

Scene 19

Great-grandmother’s house. Great-grandmother and two ladies from church are having tea in the living room. Jacklyn is sitting at the top of the stairs, listening.

Church Lady 1: She’s a hooligan, Dorris, plain and simple. Maureen, she said she thought she heard someone say they heard someone saw the girl returning to school from downtown, which means she was playing hooky, too.

Church Lady 2: I’m telling you, Dorris, she punched Richie Fitcher right in the nose. I’m telling you, the young people today just have no respect for anyone or anything.

Church Lady 1: You should never have taken those kids in. Like our pastor says, if people have a problem, they should look to the government for a solution. Social services has a variety of excellent programs to help kids like those. Well, they mostly amount to sticking the kids in a juvenile detention centre where they can learn from more serious delinquents how to be better criminals, but who cares as long as they’re out of our hair. Besides, the government has an excellent record of caring about the welfare of children.

Great-grandmother: I’m not turning those kids over to social services. I’m the only family they have left and I’m not going to dessert them.

Church Lady 1: Well, why don’t you sell this farm? You know Ted Buchanan has been wanting to buy this place for years. Why don’t you sell the farm and move into Paliative Valley Nursing Home? They’ve got a swimming pool, well, at any rate a big bathtub, billiards, shuffle-board, food, and golf excursions. Also, if you recommend a person come live there, they’ll give you five dollars.

Great-grandmother: I’m not selling the farm or moving into a nursing home, and I’m not turning those kids over to social services, eether. If my Jack punched Richie Fitcher in the nose, then it was for a good reason. If he’s a lazy good-for-nothing like his grandfather, he probably deserved it. But, then you would know more about that than me. After all, you did go steady with Gord for three years.

Scene 20

Great-grandmother’s house. Great-grandmother and the kids are sitting around the kitchen table having dinner. The phone rings. Tessa runs out in the hall to answer it.

Tessa: Hello. … Mom!

(Jack, Simon and great-grandmother run to the phone.)

Fran: Hi, Jim Schuster, is that you?

Tessa: No, Mom, it’s---

Fran: Man, Jim, how long has it been? Twelve years? Well, as you mighta heard, my husband got killed or abducted by aliens or something, so I was just kind of sittin here thinking and I thought about you. Man, remember how we used to go together back in high school, before I met Bob? Remember you’d come down to Grandpa’s shop every afternoon in the summer and coach me on my moves for the Wheatonville beauty pageant. My gosh. Remember, in the fall, how we went on that hay ride? Turned out more like a happy hay ride, if you know what I mean. I’m sorry we broke up, but I just had to marry Bob. It was true love, like nothing I’d ever known before. Oh well, that’s in the past now, even though my judgmental bitch of a grandmother doesn’t seem to think so, the old crone. So, anyway, Jim, how about when I come out to Wheatonville to visit my bitch of a grandmother and my kiddy kiddies, I skip the bitch and the kiddykids and come see you instead. They’d never even have to know I’d been out there. What do you say, Jimmyboy? … Hello … Hello?

(Fran hangs up.)

Scene 21

Great-grandmother’s house. Jacklyn, Tessa and Simon are lying in Fran’s old bed.

Simon: Jack, why did Daddy get killed?

Jacklyn: (Sleepily) Huh, what?

Simon: Why did Daddy get killed?

Jacklyn: You remember what Mom said. It was an American soldier, what they call friendly fire.

Simon: But I thought the Americans were helping us in the war. Are the Americans our enemies?

Jacklyn: No, they’re our friends.

Simon: Then why did the soldier kill Daddy?

Jacklyn: Well, he was probably scared and nervous, and he was probably hopped up on pills, and he’d probably spent his whole childhood watching violent movies and TV shows, and playing violent video games, and listening to violent music. He might have also been raised to think America was great and every other country was garbage, and he was probably incapable of actually thinking for himself, so when George W. Bush talked about fighting the terrorists, he was probably all like, “Yeah, let’s get these ragheads.” Then, that night it probably all came to a head, and he just reacted instantly without thinking, just wanting to “kill, kill, kill something. Make America proud.”

Simon: Oh.

Jacklyn: Besides, if Dad hadn’t been killed, then a dad to some other family would have got killed.

Simon: But why do any of them have to kill each other at all? Why can’t there just be peace?

Jacklyn: Well, because they needed to invade Afghanistan so they could lay a pipeline out to the Caspian sea to transport the oil they were going to get when they invaded Iraq. Plus, the whole thing has allowed governments to make a whole bunch of new laws, and if anyone objects to them, the government can just say, “Well, you just hate your country.”

Scene 22

Church. Reverend Drysdale is in the pulpet. Great-grandmother and the kids are sitting in one of the pews.

Reverend Drysdale: Now, I know here at Wheatonville United I don’t usually preach anything that’s relevant to anyone, but today it gives me an opportunity to talk about the private business of some members of our congregation, so today I’m going to talk about doing charitable deeds. Now, it’s all very well and good to help the earthquake victims in northern Ontario, or the tsunami victims down in New Orleans, or the victims of the perpetual snowstorms in southern Africa, but sometimes, when I say so, we have to help the people who are struggling in our own community. I do not feel this way because I believe God wants us to do this. In fact, being a united church minister I don’t even believe in God. No, I say this because Dorris and those three hopeless juvenile delinquents she’s taken in need school supplies and can’t afford them. Please donate money for some.

Scene 23

The school bus. Kids are yelling and throwing things at each other. The driver is drinking from a bottle of whisky and listening to the radio.

Anncr 1: Hank Williams “Your Cheating Heart” here on 700 Cike. Bob and Jeff in the morning here with you. So, Jeff, what did you do last night.

Anncr 2: Well, Bob, I got drunk and stared at the walls in my drab apartment as usual.

Anncr 1: Sounds exciting. What kinds of things did you think?

Anncr 2: Oh, you know, the utter hopelessness of things and the total futility of life.

Anncr 1: I hear you. Like take this job for example. Sittin here talking to you fine folks, people that don’t even appreciate us enough to pay attention to what we’re saying, too busy doing other things. What, are we not good enough for you, you stupid **** hicks?

Anncr 2: I hear you. Playing the fifty greatest classic country songs of all time. Hank Williams “Your Cheating Heart.” Ooo, real exciting. Nobody’s ever heard that song before.

Anncr 1: Yeah, and take our boss. Weston’s a complete idiot. He’d close down this crummy station and fire us all if he could, but all the old people in town would come down on his butt so hard he wouldn’t know what hit him.

Anncr 2: Yeah, always gotta talk about cutting costs. Well, I took a look at the quarterly report and this company’s doing better than it ever has, what with all the money from the latest oil boom, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Weston’s gotta ****ing go ahead and fire the evening guy.

Anncr 1: Oh well, I didn’t like that stupid jerk of a pimple-face anyway.

Anncr 2: I hear you.

Anncr 1: And now another six million commercials.

Scene 24

Simon’s school. Jacklyn is standing in front of Mrs. Letterer’s classroom. She enters.

Jacklyn: Yes, I’m here for Simon Cooper.

Mrs. Letterer: Sorry, there’s no school today. Parent teacher conferences.

Jacklyn: Yeah, that’s what I’m here for.

Mrs. Letterer: Sorry, parent teacher conferences can only be attended by a parent or legal guardian.

Jacklyn: Look, I’m Simon’s sister. I’m representing him.

Mrs. Letterer: Well, all right, then. Simon has asperger’s syndrome. This means that he can’t relate to people in the same way as other kids. It also means that he doesn’t learn the same way other kids do. This means he is stupid and will never amount to anything. Well, thank you for your time. There are other parents waiting at the door.

Scene 25

The Cooper’s house in Newfoundland. Fran is sitting on the living room couch. A knock is heard at the door. Bob enters.

Fran: Bob! You’re back!

Bob: Yeah, I quit the terrorists because I found out they don’t put bacon on their pizza. ****in they don’t even have pizza.

Fran: This means I can go get the kids back. I sent them to live with Grandma out in Alberta because I just couldn’t cope with you gone.

Bob: Screw that. This is the one chance we have to have the kind of life we had before the kids were born. We can go out to dinner at fancy restaurants, go to parties, not to mention it’ll be a whole lot ****ing quieter around here.

Fran: You’re right. Let’s go to Chez Pierre’s tonight.

Bob: Sounds good.

Closing credits.

Based on “Porcupine” by Meg Tilly.

A COUPLE MORE BLASTS FROM THE PAST

CBC Radio "Finkleman's 45s", then into CFLY ID "CFLY, Kingston's nicest music."

1050 CHUM-AM Toronto, unidentified anncr mentioning CHUM Blue Jay night, prizes from Eaton's. Commercials for Guiness, Alexanian, H. T. Ross, Carter Chevrolette Ozmobile, Combined Furniture Warehouse, and Canadian Tire.

ANOTHER BLAST FROM THE PAST

105.3 CKBY-FM Ottawa "The Country Music Report", on the occasion of Waylon Jennings' release of his autobiography in 1996. Songs by the artist interspersed with clips explaining each chapter of the book.

PARODY TIME-PERFECT CHEMISTRY

PERFECT CHEMISTRY

Scene 1

The upstairs of an expensive house. Through the bathroom door we see a teenage girl standing in front of a mirror.

Brittany: Darn it. That’s the third line I’ve tried to draw under my eyes and I’ve messed it up every time. Stevie, could you come in here, please.

(A little boy opens the bathroom door and enters. He is carrying a Magic marker.)

Stevie: I got what you need, sis.

(He draws a perfectly straight line under her eyes.)

Brittany: Thanks, Stevie. You’re a great little brother.

Stevie: No problem, yo.

(Brittany’s mom pokes her head into the bathroom.)

Mom: Britanny, hurry up. You’re going to be late for your first day of school. … What did you do to your hair? It looks fried.

Brittany: I tried to curl it but the iron wouldn’t work properly.

Mom: Looks like you’ll have to get a new curling iron then.

Brittany: Curling iron? I just used the regular iron.

Mom: Oh. Well, no matter. I bought you your favorite muffin for your first day back at school.

(Brittany’s mom pulls a bag out of her pocket and hands it to her. Brittany looks inside.)

Brittany: Mother, these muffins are stale.

Mom: I so wanted to give you this special surprise on the first day of school that I bought the muffins on the final day of the last schoolyear so I wouldn’t forget. I hope you like them.

Brittany: That’s OK. Is our new caretaker here yet?

(There is a knock at the door.)

Mom: That’s probably him now.

(Mom, Brittany and Stevie go to the door and open it. Baghdad Saudi Arabia enters.)

Baghdad Saudi Arabia: Greetings. My name is Baghdad Saudi Arabia. Hello, children. I am your new caretaker and maintenance man.

Mom: You came highly recommended. In fact, the woman who recommended you said you were an expert in many areas.

Baghdad: Oh yes. I can sow up any part of a tent that is ripped. I can draw water with the best of them, and not to boast, but I can even take care of goats better than the best herders I know.

Mom: Well, I don’t know how useful those skills are going to be around here. This is a house with indoor running water, and we don’t have any goats. That’s funny. Marilyn said you had a lot of experience.

Baghdad: Indeed. I have been working among the goatherders of the Middle East since long before these two lovely children here were even thought of.

Mom: Oh, I’m sure you’ll work out just fine anyway.

Baghdad: Thank you for your confidence. Now just show me to the rustic cabins I have been given to understand you Americans house your servants in so I can unpack my suitcase nukes.

Mom: Well, you’ll be staying in a room in the house, not some rustic cabin out in the woods. It’s the room at the top of the stairs. You can unpack your suitcases there. Stevie, honey, show Mr. Saudi Arabia to his room, please.

Stevie: Sho’ nuff, Mama.

Scene 2

Alex’s bedroom. There are two beds. Jerry, Alex’s brother, gets out of his bed and comes over to Alex’s bed.

Jerry: Get up, Alex.

Alex: Why do I still have to share a room with you?

Jerry: Because your my bro.

Alex: But you’re forty-seven.

Jerry: Yeah, well, aside from that really. It’s a big day for you, my man: your first day of senior year. Enjoy this time. These are the best years of your life.

Alex: Good advice. What are you going to do today?

Jerry: It’s a big day for me, too, as a matter of fact. The “Lucy” Vitameatavegamin episode is on this afternoon.

Alex: Enjoy the time. I’m off.

(Alex exits the house. Carmen Sanchez is waiting on the front steps.)

Carmen Sanchez: Mightn’t I trouble you for a ride to school, my good man?

Alex: I don’t even want to see you after what you did to me this summer.

Carmen: No matter, old chap. Besides, the gang code dictates I’m still your homegirl, even if our courtship is a thing of the past.

Alex: It is definitely a thing of the past. But, I guess the rules are the rules.

Carmen: The rules surely are the rules. Remember the lecture we were given when first we joined about keeping a copy of the gang constitution in our back pocket at all times?

Alex: Just hop on.

(Alex drives away with Carmen on the back of the bike.)

Scene 3

Outside the school. Brittany and her friend Sierra pull up to the school in Brittany’s BMW convertible. Brittany tries to park but almost hits Alex and Carmen on the motorcycle.

Alex: Hey, watch where you’re going, white girl. You gringos are all the same.

Brittany: Why do you hate us white people so much?

Alex: Because you people are prejudice and we hate prejudice.

(Brittany and Sierra get out of the car and enter the school.)

Sierra: Wow, here we are at last, senior year! This year’s gonna be so awesome.

(The sound of a donkey braying is heard.)

Brittany: Sometimes I wonder if the student’s counsel made such a wise decision replacing all the bells with sound effects.

Scene 4

The principal’s office. Alex enters.

Alex: You wanted to see me, sir?

Dr. Aguiree: Yes, sit down.

(Alex sits down.)

Alex: What’s this about?

Dr. Aguiree: I’ll let you guess.

Alex: Look, sir, I didn’t do anything. I know I got a file that’s probably ten inches thick and I hang out with some not so good people, but …

Dr. Aguiree: I didn’t say you did anything. I just thought since you were a member of an ethnic minority that I’d call you out of gym class into my office for my own personal amusement. You may go now.

(Alex exits.)

Scene 5

Mrs. Peterson’s class. The students enter and sit down. Mrs. Peterson is at the front of the room.

Mrs. Peterson: Welcome to senior chemistry. Chemistry is an amazing subject. It is used in the making of pharmaceutical medications, you know, the ones you see on TV that have all the side effects. Chemistry is used in making advances in weaponry so that countries at war can employ better ways to kill the enemy and destroy their country. Chemistry is used in the manufacture of such things as food additives and household cleaners which negatively affect human health and do harm to our planet. Now, normally I would hand out course outlines, but nobody ever reads them so I’m not going to bother reading them. So, let’s partner up. The Affirmative Action Department wants students from priveliged homes to partner up with members of ethnic minorities from poorer families. This will probably result in a lower class average and make us more unproductive, but nobody ever listens to me anyway. Brittany Ellis, your partner is Alex Fuentes. (Reluctantly, the two move toward stools beside each other)

Scene 6

The hallway. Colin comes up to Alex.

Colin: Hey, Fuentes, you may be her chem partner, but stay away from my girlfriend, OK.

Alex: I have no intention of putting the moves on Brittany.

Colin: You have no intention, eh. Them’s fighting words. (Colin tries to rush at Alex but has difficulty because he is so fat. He gives up.) This isn’t over.

Scene 7

The field. Brittany and the other cheerleaders are gathered there for practice. Ms. Small stands in front of them.

Brittany: Ms. Small, instead of getting into a T formation like we planned, could we get into a broken T formation? I think that would look a lot better.

Ms. Small: That’s a good idea.

(The cheerleaders form themselves into a broken T. Ms. Small turns on her cd player. Obnoxious gangsta rap starts playing. The girls start doing their routine. Brittany’s cell phone rings. She answers it.)

Brittany: Hello.

Dad: Hi, honey, it’s your dad. I just called to say I’m taking off to China for two weeks.

Brittany: Another business trip? Dad, it seems like you’re always away on business and you’re never at home to be there for any of us.

Dad: No, this isn’t a business trip. I just need to go to China for two weeks to get away from your mother and you kids.

Brittany: But you’re hardly at home now as it is. How could we be getting on your nerves?

Dad: Why do you think I spend so little time at home in the first place?

(He hangs up. Brittany starts crying.)

Ms. Small: Brilliant, Brittany. That’s going to be a wonderful addition to the routine. Girls, follow me.

(All the girls act as if they are pulling cell phones out of their pockets.)

Scene 8

An alleyway. Alex and Paco walk up to Blake, who is standing by his pogo stick. Alex pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads reluctantly.

Alex: Hand over the money or I will take something from you, and I’m not talking about one of your material possessions: I’m talkin about something that’s permanently attached to your body.

Blake: Look, I ain’t got no money on me.

Alex: Come up with it real fast or else.

Blake: Look, man, I’ll get the money by tomorrow, OK, man.

Paco: That’s not good enough. We’re gonna need collateral.

Alex: I bet that pogostick is worth a lot.

Blake: No, guys, not my pogo stick. That’s my only means of transportation.

Paco: Your pogo stick or one of your fingers, hombre. You choose.

Blake: OK, take the pogo stick, whatever.

Alex: Meet us at seven tomorrow by the old tracks: _with _the _money.

Blake: Sure, you got it.

(Blake runs away in terror.)

Scene 9

Chemistry class. Mrs. Peterson is walking around the classroom.

Mrs. Peterson: I have slips of paper in this hat with the names of different products on them. Each pair of students is to pick one. You and your partner will be studying how that product works and presenting a report to the class.

(The hat comes to Alex. He pulls out a piece of paper and looks at it.)

Alex: Mrs. Peterson, what the heck are hand-warmers.

Mrs. Peterson: Things to keep your hands warm.

Alex: Oh, those lame things nobody in their right mind would want to be caught dead wearing.

Mrs. Peterson: That’s correct.

Alex: But if you wanted us to study thermal chemistry couldn’t you have put something in there like a thermos or a travel mug or polar fleece?

Mrs. Peterson: No.

Colin: Ha ha, the beaner got stuck doing a report about hand-warmers.

Alex: Who you callin a beaner, two-ton.

Colin: Mrs. Peterson, Alex called me a two-ton. You know how I hate that, Mrs. P.

Mrs. Peterson: Alex, Colin, Brittany, down to the principal’s office at once.

(The three of them make their way to the principal’s office, followed by Mrs. Peterson.)

Scene 10

The principal’s office. Dr. Aguire is at his desk.

Dr. Aguire: Now, I don’t know what happened in Mrs. Peterson’s class just now and I don’t want to know. Now, who can tell me our school motto.

Brittany: Get as much government funding as possible.

Dr. Aguire: What!?

Brittany: It’s written right in the school entranceway.

Dr. Aguire: Oh, so it is. But our other motto is STRENGTH IN DIVERSITY. Fairfield High believes there truly is strength in diversity, even though that’s pretty much a lie. I mean, every nation that’s integrated it’s armies has begun loosing wars thereafter, there are examples of integrated neighbourhoods that didn’t work out, even in this school all the white kids sit on one side of the cafeteria and the Hispanic kids sit on the other side. Well, what I’m trying to say is, don’t ever let me catch you guys in Los Angeles. You may go now.

(Brittany, Colin, Alex, and Mrs. Peterson exit.)

Scene 11

The girls’ change room. Brittany has just finished getting into her gym clothes. Carmen Sanchez enters and walks toward her.

Carmen: Aha, ‘twould appear that Fortune dost see to it that we meet.

Brittany: What’s this about, Carmen?

Carmen: Thou art trying to encroach upon mine boyfriend.

Brittany: I have no interest in Alex.

Carmen: That doth not rule out that thou wouldst be his boyfriend if circumstances did properly present themselves.

Brittany: Carmen, I already have a boyfriend.

Carmen: Still, thou wouldst attempt such in order that thou should prove thou can have whatever thou desireth. For such so-said reason, I will slay thee dead.

(Carmen throws a punch at Brittany but she manages to avoid it. Isabel enters.)

Isabel: Carmen, leave Brittany alone.

Carmen: Thou wouldst do well, Isabel, to stay out of those matters, which, not pertaining to thine particular situation, concern thee not.

Isabel: Brittany has no intentions to steal Alex and she never will.

Carmen: I told thee to arroint thee from this matter.

(Ms. Small enters.)

Ms. Small: What seems to be going on in here? Are you three having a party and didn’t invite me?

Carmen: But a small matter, the likes of which can easily be dealt with with a one such as I.

Ms. Small: Just get where you need to be, girls.

(The three girls scatter and exit.)

Scene 12

Hector’s garage. Alex is under a car. Hector enters.

Hector: Hey Alex, you done with that Honda yet?

Alex: Nearly.

(A car comes racing through the door and into the shop. Carmen, Raul, Sam, and Havier are in it.)

Raul: Hector, close the door of the shop, quick. The police are after us.

Hector: What did you guys do this time?

Carmen: Havier didst try to slay a Satin Hood. However, mayhap he was unsuccessful in his marksmanship.

(Hector closes the garage door and turns the lights off just as a police car rounds the street corner. Carmen emerges from the car, looking drugged-out.)

Carmen: Alex, I was exceeding desireous of thy company this night.

Alex: I can see how much you missed me.

Carmen: Oh, Sam. Mine affections for him are but miniscule when compared with mine affections for thee. I can assure thee that perpetually doth my innermost being yearn for thee.

Alex: Look, I’m never gonna come back to you.

Carmen: ‘Tis because of thine chemistry partner. Doth thou deny this?

Alex: No, it has nothing to do with Brittany. I heard you were talkin trash about her earlier today. You can stop that, please.

Carmen: Didst that fowl fiend Isabel alert thee?

Alex: Just stay out of my business, Carmen.

Carmen: Thou knowest my absence doth tear at thine heart.

Alex: Sure, it bothered me when we broke up, but I’m totally over it now.

(Carmen huffs back to the car and gets back in beside Sam. A knock is heard at the door. Everyone remains silent. A flashlight shines through the crack in the door. Footsteps are heard going away.)

Havier: OK, let’s get out of here. Oh, and Alex, Paco is about to get himself into a fight with a Satin Hood at Gilson Park.

Alex: Those Satin Hoods don’t fight fair.

Havier: Then you better come with us.

Alex: (Shrugs shoulders) All right.

(He enters the front passenger’s side of the car. Hector opens the door and the car exits.)

Scene 13

Gilson Park. Paco and the Satin Hood are standing by the swings, ready to fight. The car containing Alex and the others pulls up. Alex and the others get out and head toward Paco and the Satin Hood.

Alex: Listen, little guy, leave my friend alone. Go back to your own hood and cause trouble there.

Satin Hood: This jerk stole my steering-wheel.

Alex: Paco, did you really steal this guy’s steering wheel?

Paco: Yeah, man, for my collection. I admit I have a problem—

Alex: Look, let’s just break this up.

Satin Hood: No way, hombre. I’m not leaving till I stomp this guy into the ground, and until I stomp you into the ground as well now.

(Alex lunges at the Satin Hood. They punch each other for a few minutes. Then the Satin Hood pulls out a can of whipped cream.)

Alex: No!

(The Satin Hood sprays Alex with the can of whipped cream. Alex crumples to the ground.)

Scene 14

Wriggley Field. Colin and Brittany pull up in Colin’s car.

Brittany: This is the weirdest-looking movie theatre I’ve ever seen.

Colin: Change of plans, babe. My dad got two tickets to the Cubs game. We can sit in the stands and guess how much they’ll win game seven of the World Series by. Plus, we’re in my Dad’s company’s box, which is shared by the law firm of Nordstrum, Walton and Harris. I’m hoping to intern there this summer.

(They enter the park and go up to the box. Messrs. Nordstrum, Walton and Harris are there.)

Mr. Nordstrum: Colin! Your father’s told me so much about you. Heard you’re interested in coming to work for us this summer.

Colin: I sure am. I’ve been interested in law for a long time. I think the current mess with regards to the case of---

Mr. Walton: For cripes sake, boy, this is a baseball game. Relax.

Colin: (Face falling) Oh.

(Colin signals a vendor and buys some food. In rapid succession, he signals a few more vendors and begins stuffing his face.)

Scene 15

Brittany’s house. Brittany enters. Her mom is sitting in a chair.

Mom: Where have you been, young lady?! You were supposed to be home by 10:30.

Brittany: Well, instead of going to a movie, we went to a baseball game. It went into extra innings. I kept telling Colin I had to be home, but he just ignored me and sat in the corner of the box and sulked because he’d been shot down by these lawyers he’s hoping to intern for in the summer. Then, to top it all off we got stuck in traffic and the traffic got so bad Colin decided to get out of the car, run to a nearby steak house and get a full sirloin dinner.

Mom: There’s a reason I assign you a curfew, Brittany.

Brittany: Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m your daughter and you care about me and this city is dangerous and you know the kinds of things teenage boys want to get up to, etc. etc.

Mom: It isn’t only for those reasons.

Brittany: What, if I’m not home by a certain time I’ll turn into a pumpkin or something?

Mom: Exactly. Look in the mirror.

(Brittany goes into the bathroom.)

Brittany: Oh no, my skin’s turning orange.

Mom: See?

Scene 16

Brittany’s house. Alex pulls up on his motorcycle. He heads to the front door and knocks. Brittany’s mom answers.

Mom: There’s a no soliciting policy in this neighbourhood.

Alex: I’m not here to sell anything. Is Brittany here, please.

Mom: No, she’s out right now. So you’re not here to sell anything,. Well then, you must be here to rob us. I’ve got something that’ll fix you.

(She pulls a can of whipped cream from behind her back. Alex runs away.)

Scene 17

Brittany’s house. Brittany enters.

Mom: What are you doing hanging around trash for?

Brittany: What are you talking about?

Mom: That boy who was here earlier. I think he was Hispanic or something.

Brittany: Hispanic boy. Oh, … Mom, he’s my chemistry partner.

Mom: Your chemistry partner. A likely story. I thought your father and I raised you better.

 Brittany: Actually, you two didn’t in fact raise me. All you’ve ever done is tell me I have to be perfect and Dad is so busy at the office we’ve barely spoken to each other in the past five years.

Mom: That may be, but somewhere along the way you should have somehow learned better.

Scene 18

The warehouse. Alex and the other gang members are hanging out drinking beer.

Paco: Come on, Alex, stop moping around and have a beer.

(Paco tosses a beer to Alex.)

Alex: No thanks, amigo.

(Alex tosses the beer back.)

Paco: No, I insist.

(Paco tosses the beer back to Alex.)

Alex: No, no, it’s OK.

(Alex tosses the beer back to Paco.)

Paco: Come on, hombre, drink up.

(Paco tosses the beer back to Alex.)

Alex: Well, OK.

(Alex opens the beer and it explodes. Carmen enters.)

Carmen: Prithee, Alex, wilt thou come with me to Danwood Beach so that we might make merry and frolick in the water?

Alex: Sure, I guess.

(Alex and Carmen exit.)

Scene 19

Danwood Beach. Brittany, Colin, Sierra and their friends are hanging out on the beach, drinking beer and wine. An empty wine bottle and empty beer can are beside Brittany.

Colin: Brittany?

Brittany: Yeah?

Colin: Have sex with me right now.

Brittany: Right here? In front of our friends? You’re crazy.

Colin: Then get out.

Brittany: Oh, whatever.

(Brittany starts to walk down the beach.)

Sierra: Don’t go past Pier Four.

Brittany: What’s past Pier Four?

Sierra: I don’t know. It’s so scary I’ve never been down there.

(Brittany walks down the beach. Mariachi music is heard in the background, getting louder as Brittany continues down the beach.)

Brittany: I hear music. I LOVE MUSIC! (Brittany starts dancing down the beach. She comes upon Alex and his friends. Carmen is in Alex’s lap.) Bonjour, mes amis.

(Brittany continues dancing and falls down beside Alex.)

Carmen: Thou hath treaded upon our territory. I challenge thee to a duel.

(Carmen pulls out two swords and hands one to Brittany.)

Brittany: Sure, why not. (Brittany and Carmen start walking away from each other. Then, they turn and run at each other.) (In her head) If I swing over there, I’ll miss.

(They begin to fight. Brittany tries to miss Carmen, but she is so drunk she stabs Carmen in the stomach. Carmen falls to the ground.)

Carmen: I am slain, or forsooth, slightly wounded.

(Brittany passes out.)

Paco: Oh shoot, what are we gonna do with her now.

Alex: We’ve gotta get her home. Isa, we need you.

(Isabel comes over.)

Isabel: What seems to be the trouble?

Alex: We gotta get Brittany Ellis back to her house. She’s passed out drunk.

Isabel: So I noticed.

Paco: We need to borrow your car to get her home.

Havier: You guys can’t take her to her mama. A white neighbourhood like that the neighbours’ll call the police before you can blink an eye.

Alex: Good point. Isa, would you be willing to take her back to your place?

Isabel: Sure, no problem.

(Paco and Alex lift Brittany into the back seat. Isabel gets in the front driver’s side and they drive off. Brittany’s phone vibrates.)

Alex: Her phone’s ringing. What should we do?

Isabel: Answer it.

Alex: Are you sure?

Isabel: Yes. What else can you do?

(Alex reaches into Brittany’s back pocket and pulls out the cell phone inch by inch. He looks at the caller ID.)

Alex: It’s her mama. (He flips open the cell) Hola.

Mom: Brittany, where have you been? It took four rings before you answered.

Alex: (Playing up his accent) Hey, mamacita.

Mom: What?! Who is this?

Alex: This is a friend of Brittany. She dropped her cell phone.

Mom: Where is my daughter?

Alex: I dunno exactly. She said something about goin to the rough part of town, maybe goin dancing, makin a night of it. I’m sure she’ll be back at la cassa by cock-a-doodle doo time.

(He hangs up.)

Scene 20

Isabel’s bedroom. Brittany is lying on a caught. Isabel is lying on her bed. Brittany sits up.

Isabel: You have a hangover.

Brittany: Oooohh, what happened?

Isabel: You’d be better to ask Alex that question. He’s the one who suggested I bring you here.

Brittany: I better get out of here.

(Brittany exits the bedroom and starts walking down the hall. Isabel’s grandfather appears.)

Nigel: Now then, how are thee.

(Brittany looks confused.)

Isabel: Brittany, this is my grandfather Nigel. Grandpa Nigel, this is Brittany, from school.

Nigel: ‘Ello, Brittany,. I can see you’ve got a right proper ‘angover. I’ve got something that’ll put ya right as rain.

(Nigel goes into the kitchen, followed by Brittany and Isabel. He pours the contents of a few bottles into a glass, stirs it up and gives it to Brittany.)

Nigel: ‘ere lass, drink this. You’d better wash of tha face. Your mascara is runnin. Ah, that used to ‘appen to me more times than you can count.

Scene 21

Alex’s bedroom. Jerry is sitting on his bed. Alex enters.

Alex: OK, Jerry, what were you doing hanging around Wil and his mom last Sunday?

Jerry: Oh, can’t you guess?

Alex: Don’t be stupid, Jerry. Don’t join the gang, man.

Jerry: I want to be a gangster, have more of a life. Besides, I got offered a pretty sweet deal if I join up.

Alex: Oh man, what did they offer you.

Jerry: Well, Wil’s mom says that if I join the gang, she’ll bake me a dozen chocolate chip cookies.

Scene 22

The cafeteria. Alex is in line. Brittany is in line behind Alex. Colin is in line beside Brittany. They get their food. Colin has a huge plate of food. They move toward the cashier.

Alex: I’ll pay for mine and hers.

Cashier: Oh, you’re one special lady. Bowl of soup and a slice of pizza, that’ll be three dollars.

Colin: Stay away from my girlfriend, Fuentes. I’ll pay for mine and hers.

Cashier: Tell ya what. I won’t bother totalling it up, just take out a second mortgage, bring me the deed and we’ll call it even.

Alex: Yeah Colin, what are you gonna do if I do go after Brit.

Colin: Well, I don’t know. I mean, I’m not the most athletic person around. I’d probably just go home and cry.

Alex: Thought so.

Scene 23

The school courtyard after school. Colin and Brittany are standing by the wall.

Brittany: I think we need a break.

Colin: Do you mean a break or a breakup?

Brittany: A breakup.

Colin: This is so unfair. Why are you doing this?

Brittany: Oh come on, Colin. We’re only fooling ourselves. We fit the typical high school stereotype. I’m the head cheerleader, you’re the captain of the shuffleboard team. Everyone expected us to get together.

Colin: I always thought we made the Golden Couple.

Brittany: Yes, because that’s what everybody else thought.

Colin: I don’t know why you’re doing this, but if this is the way you want it, fine. I am a mature, normal sane guy. Now get out of my sight before I bash your face in with my head.

Scene 24

The woods. Alex and Gary are in a car. Alex is driving. He parks. Some Latino Bloods pull up. One of the Bloods comes over to the driver’s side window.

Gary Frankel: So, it’s Haloween. Get lots of trick-or-treaters tonight?

(Alex shoots Gary a warning look.)

Latino Blood: The stuff is in the trunk of my car. Help me carry it out.

(The police show up.)

Police Officer 1: OK, the jig is up.

Police Officer 2: Looks like we broke up a drug deal.

Police Officer 1: OK, what’s the story here?

Police Officer 2: Oh who cares. All these guys are members of an ethnic minority, aren’t they? Let’s save time and take them all in.

Police Officer 1: Good idea. (To Gary) You got a driver’s license?

Gary: Sure.

Police Officer 1: Then we’ll let you drive home. Come with me, fellas.

(Alex and the other Latino Bloods are all hearded into the back of the police car.)

Closing credits.

Based on “Perfect Chemistry” by Simone Elkeles.