T. Barry Brazleton is the main reason problems with bed-wetting in children and toilet training have increased. Back in 1998, Brazleton endorsed Pampers Size 6. In the commercial he emphasized not rushing children into toilet training and making sure the child was ready. This has created a lax attitude toward toilet training in our society.
However, this is only one side of the toilet training/bed-wetting dialectic. The truth of the matter is the overarching reason why children are stubborn when it comes to toilet training is because we approach this area of parenting entirely backward. Babies are born knowing when they need to relieve themselves. In the west, thanks in large part in recent years to so-called parenting experts such as Brazleton and the manufacturers of disposable diapers, we have been trained to be unaware of when a baby is signalling a parent or caregiver they need to go.
Therefore, instead `of toilet training the typical Western way, parents should practice elimination communication.
Elimination communication is not coersive and does not put pressure on a child. It is a gentle practice and is harmonious and responsive to a baby's awareness and needs.
If you can't manage to do elimination communication in the first year, then you might want to look into early toilet training, which should also be done in a noncoersive manner.
There are reports that, contrary to feeling pressured or finding the adjustment difficult, babies whose parents practice elimination communication or toddlers who are going through early toilet training seem happier and find it rewarding.
The mindset of a child associating urine or a bowel movement as part of themselves could have to do with children being taught to wet and soil themselves in the first couple years of life. It's in their pants so the child thinks of it as close to or part of herself. She has never eliminated in the toilet or other place separate from her before so eliminating properly can be an adjustment for her in that way.
If our society has not been taught to communicate with a baby's need to eliminate, hence we then see why so many children struggle with bed-wetting and accidents. It is because they have in fact been diaper trained in their first two years, taught to ignore their sensations and to just let it happen in their diaper. This is similar to what happens to elderly people in nursing homes who are put in diapers. At two or three or five or whenever, a switch is flipped and the child is told the opposite of what she has come to expect and the adjustment is hard.
Note that elimination communication is not a guarantee your child will never have an accident or wet the bed. Their may be other reasons why a particular child does these things so if a child wets or soils there could be other factors at play causing them to do that.
Whose success does staying dry and clean belong to for the conventionally trained child? Certainly it does belong with the child because she's the one doing it but it also belongs with the parent. Parenting is ultimately about having your child grow up to be independent and successful, success being defined differently for every individual. A basic requirement of functioning in the world is the ability to use a toilet, i.e. not go in your pants. I mean, it's not as if we're talking about your toddler mastering quantum physics.
I don't think a lot of parents are even really bothering to toilet train their children, as evidenced by the fact there are children going to kindergarten still in diapers. What's next? Do you want the early childhood educators in the kindergarten classes to push them around in strollers and feed them with spoons? Yes, I would say you are definitely failing as a parent in this area.
For another thing, I do not believe boys take longer to conventionally toilet train than girls, nor do I believe they wet the bed longer or are more prone to it. It's more a matter of women being the ones who do most of the parenting and not understanding the mindset of boys.
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