THE BILLBOARD BOOK OF NUMBER ONE HITS

Maggie May/Reason To Believe: These two songs are overplayed and crummy.

I have three copies of "Every Picture Tells A Story" that I picked up at yard sales. It sucks.

Brand New Key: I have the album this song comes from. It's interesting, but it sucks.

There was a parody of this song about the Nancy Carigan/Tonia Harding thing.

I've got a brand new pair of figure skates,
I'm gonna break your knee.
I'm gonna go to Lilihammer
As easy as you please.

I've been skatin for quite a while,
But Camels won't endorse me.
I've got a brand new pair of figure skates,
I'm gonna break your knee.

Other lines in the song include:

If you had any smarts,
you'd be avoiding me.

Picked up the phone,
And called up Jeff Galuli.

My half wit Capone
Got caught on national TV.

THE BILLBOARD BOOK OF NUMBER ONE HITS

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head: I think I have the album containing this song. Its basically this song over and over again and a few other songs.

I Want You Back: Joe Jackson is a bastard for what he did to his children.

Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elfagin/Everybody Is A Star: This song is so addictive!

Bridge Over Troubled Waters: Is this a Christian song or isn't it?

Let It Be: The album "Let It Be" is so final.

When I find myself in times of trouble, it isn't Mother Mary who comforts me, that's for darn sure.

American Woman/No Sugar Tonight: I have one of the earlier Guess Who albums. It is pretty good. Then they went strictly commercial.

"I don't need your war machines,
I don't need your ghetto scenes."

But I depend on you for trade, vacations, television, music, etc.

Everything Is Beautiful: Everything is beautiful? Really? Everything? Wars and famines and child abuse?

War: "War, war, what is it good for?" War is good for the economy.

I Think I Love You: Lorne Elliot has a bit where he tries to explain to his French wife who David Cassidy is.

My Sweet Lord/Isn't It A Pity: Bucking people who think "My Sweet Lord" is a Christian song.

My sister sang another version of "Isn't It A Pity." It used another word in the second line to rhyme with pity.

KEN KOSTICK IS DEAD

Know this is a bit late, but just found out Ken Kostick, the former host of the cooking show "What's For Dinner" died a few weeks ago.

I saw that show once. It was very comforting. Whenever I've done something stupid, I just think of the way those two bukers acted and then I feel vindicated.

REPLY AWL

There are two articles in the May 23 issue of Maclean's that paint "conspiracy theorists" as horrible people. These articles have to do with the recent supposed death of Osama Bin Laden.

Honestly, May 1, 2011 was the day the mainstream media officially died. Bin Laden allegedly dies and no mainstream media outlet questions it.

1. Bin Laden was living in that mansion on the edge of that village. How did no one in the village know or suspect it was him. As a resident of that village said, "Around here we know when somebody's cow has a calf." If Bin Laden had rented an abandoned house in the small town where I live, how long do you think it would be before the rumours started flying around?

2. Can we see the photos? No, they're too graphic.

3. What did you do with his body? We buried him at sea. Well, wouldn't you have wanted to fly him back to the States to perform medical examinations on him? There's all this stuff about wanting to find Hitler's brain and they just recently found out some new information about Cleopatra, so why wouldn't they want to analyze Bin Laden's remains?

4. How do you live over ten years with rienal failure?

In the same issue, Brian Bethune talks to CBC reporter Melissa Fung, who's got a new book out about her time spent as a prisoner in Afghanistan. Fung says she was worried the book would discourage women reporters from going to Afghanistan. Well, if instances like what happened to Fung are occurring, maybe women shouldn't be reporters there.

Scott Feschuk's column in the same issue, about movies at the Cannes film festival, is a keeper. Go read it!