THE BILLBOARD BOOK OF NUMBER ONE HITS

The Yellow Rose Of Texas: I like a fair amount of Mitch Miller’s stuff, but why did he feel the need to yell everything?

Love Is A Many Splendoured Thing: I find this song boring.

Sixteen Tons: This song is so perfect; a workingman’s anthem.

Memories Are Made Of This: They don’t write ‘em like that anymore!

Rock And Roll Waltz: I like this song. You can so vividly imagine the scene: back in the fifties, a teenager comes home from her date to find her parents, who probably grew up on the music of the big bands or maybe even the music of the 1920s “dancing a waltz to a slow rock song.” I mean, you can just so picture “let’s listen to Kay’s record machine. I’m kind of curious to see what this rock and roll music fad the kids are all on about is like.”

Heartbreak Hotel: Elvis sucks. Did nobody ever tell this bastard he couldn’t sing? Buck, he sounds like he has his mouth closed.

Elvis was allowed to get famous by the illuminati because they wanted to see if one person could influence the whole United States.

The Wayward Wind: This song is also boring.

Houndog: The purpose of this song was to degrade our ladies. Young women used to have class. Houndog was a portent of what the new world order was going to do to them: turn them into bitches like they are today.

Party Doll: I always thought Ricky Nelson did this song first.

By the way, I am using the 2003 edition of “The Billboard Book Of Number One Hits.” Buddy Knox died in 1999, yet the book indicates he was still alive at the time it was published. Guy Mitchell, who is featured a few pages earlier with “Singin’ The Blues” also died in 1999 but is marked down in the book as still being alive. Why did the author and publisher not bother to update this information?

Round And Round: I find this song annoying.

Love Letters In The Sand: Pat Boone was allowed to get famous in order to make rock and roll acceptable to a white audience.

Teddy Bear: This is probably one of the worst of Elvis’s songs. It doesn’t help that I associate it with Uncle Jesse singing it to one of the kids on “Fullhouse.”

Diana: Holy buck! This song really is about Anka being in love with a babysitter!

That’ll Be The Day: Hearing about Buddy Holly always reminds me of that Kids In The Hall sketch about the day the music died. “I recorded Peggy Sue. I can do anything.” “I’m 22. I got my whole life ahead of me.” “I think I’ll let this monkey fly the plane.” And when he calls Richie Valance a spick. Priceless!

I suspect Buddy Holly and co. were murdered. The Don Maclean song alludes to this, but I really haven’t studied into it.